Smart Stepdad

L. Deal Ron

Description

While resources abound for stepmothers, stepfathers are often left to travel a difficult road without clear directions. Ron Deal offers advice for men navigating the stepfamily minefield, including how to connect with stepchildren, being a godly role model, how to discipline, dealing with the biological dad, and keeping the bond strong with one's new spouse. He gives perspective on what the kids are going through and why things don't work the same as in a biological family. The Smart Stepdad provides essential guidelines to help stepfathers not only survive but succeed as both dad and husband.

Informations

• Publié par: Baker Publishing Group
• Date de parution: 01 avril 2011
• Nombre de lectures: 0
• EAN13: 9781441214645
• Langue: English

Extrait

© 2011 Ron L. Deal
Published by Bethany House Publishers 11400 Hampshire Avenue South Minneapolis, Minnesota 55438 www.bethanyhouse.com
Bethany House Publishers is a division of Baker Publishing Group, Grand Rapids, Michigan. www.bakerpublishinggroup.com
Ebook edition created 2011
Ebook corrections 02.16.2022
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise—without the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is on file at the Library of Congress, Washington, DC.
ISBN 978-1-4412-1464-5
Unless otherwise identified, Scripture quotations are from THE HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION,® NIV® Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2010 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com
Scripture quotations identified KJV are from the King James Version of the Bible.
Cover design by Eric Walljasper
“At Focus on the Family, we routinely hear from fathers facing the challenges associated with remarriage and living in a blended family. The Smart Stepdad is like a lifeline to these men—and to their wives, as well—with practical advice and biblical counsel.”
Jim Daly President, Focus on the Family
“To climb Stepdad Mountain you need a climbing guide; Ron Deal and this book are it. Get started.”
Dr. Kevin Leman Have a New Kid by Friday
“ The Smart Stepdad sheds a bright light on the unique challenges of being a stepdad. Your role is vital to your family and this book can help you find success.”
John Rosemond Family psychologist Author of The Well-Behaved Child: Discipline That Really Works!
“Finally!!! This book is long overdue. It is an absolute must-read for any stepdad or man who is dating a woman with children. Ron has given a very clear map for success for men who are in one of the most important positions in the kingdom.”
Dr. Chuck Stecker President / Founder of A Chosen Generation
Dedication
To my dad— mentor, teacher, and coach in what matters most—baayo.
To all the stepdads who are striving to be a mentor, teacher, and coach to another man’s child.
And to the heavenly Father— thank you for adopting us as your sons and daughters and teaching us the heart-softening power of stubborn, determined love.
Acknowledgments
Being a dad and trying to write about being a good dad is quite a humbling endeavor. Thankfully my wife, Nan, and my boys have given me lots of grace. I am so grateful for your patience with my on-the-job training in being a father. I love you into eternity.
For this project I enlisted the help of a few good men. My stepdad focus group contributed an immeasurable amount of wisdom, practical insight, and challenging scenarios that helped me pull together a useful project. Guys, your guidance will bring blessings to families the world over. Thank you.
This book is yet another addition to the stepfamily resource library, all published by Bethany House Publishers. For years I heard complaints about how difficult it was to find practical, value-centered materials to help stepfamilies. Thanks to Bethany House, that just isn’t true anymore. I’m especially grateful to Kyle, Brett, Tim, and Jim for your vision and dedication to get the word out. And to my editor, Ellen, thank you. Boy do you make me look good!
And finally, a special thank-you to my friend, fellow struggler in the faith, and literary agent, Chip MacGregor. You nursed me through this one, buddy. I can’t thank you enough for the extra time and counsel you put into helping me write this book during a difficult season of my life and yours.
Contents
Cover
Title Page
Copyright Page
Endorsements
Dedication
Acknowledgments
Contents
Section I: Getting It Right
Introduction
1. Conquering Stepdad Mountain
2. Sex Stuff: Did You Marry a Wife (Sex Partner) or a Mother (Business Partner)?
3. Understanding Her Kids (Part 1): Loss
4. Understanding Her Kids (Part 2): Loyalty
Section II: Getting Smart: The Stepparenting Team
5. Mom Smart (Part 1): He Can’t Do It Without You
6. Mom Smart (Part 2): Pitfalls and Good Intentions
7. Getting the Socks Picked Up: Parenting 101
8. Meet Your Ex-Husband-in-Law: Friend or Foe?
9. Your Kids: What Do They Need?
10. Hugging Your Stepdaughter, Stepsibling Attractions, and the Awkward Issues of Stepfamily Sexuality
11. Keeping Special Days Special: Holidays, Vacations, and Your Stepfamily
12. Romancing Your Wife
13. Adult Stepchildren
14. Should We Have an “Ours” Baby?
15. Heroes by Choice
Notes
About the Author
Books By Ron L. Deal
Back Ad
Back Cover
Section I
Getting It Right
In the United States 50% of children will have a stepparent at some point in their lifetime; 1 90% of children in stepfamilies live with their mom and stepdad. 2
Stepchildren who have a good relationship with both their stepfather and their nonresident biological father have better outcomes than children who have good relationships with just their father. 3
Introduction
Stepdad: Hero or Hostile Takeover?
Imagine beginning a new job. It’s your first day and you show up fifteen minutes early because you can’t curb your enthusiasm. You’re excited about the new opportunity and the future it will provide your family, but upon arriving, you discover that your boss didn’t prepare for you to show up—not just early, but at all. They hired you for a very important position, but no one has done anything to arrange for your employment. There’s an empty office but no promised administrative assistant, no budget, and no name on the door (in fact, the name of the person who formerly held that position is still legible on the door—is this your office now, or still his?). Your department goals are unspecified and there’s no one to explain your job description, nor do they provide guidance on how your job fits in with the company’s mission. You can’t even find the lunchroom! With the hope of gaining clarification of your role, you talk to your immediate supervisor and team members only to discover that they have differing opinions as to your role, goals, and even whether you should have been hired. Some consider you a hero for the company, while others judge you a rascal who is moving in for a hostile takeover.
One co-worker is very excited to see you and confesses (while no one else is listening) that she lobbied heavily for you to be hired. She believes you have the skills and knowledge to play this role well—and can’t wait for the rest of the team to get to know you.
On the other hand, your staff doesn’t understand why they are expected to report to you, and they resent the changes happening around them. “I thought we still reported to our previous supervisor,” one worker comments. “You have different expectations and an odd management style. To be honest, I’m not sure I like it—or you.”

For Mom I recommend that Mom read this book as well. In fact, I have added sidebars throughout that provide tips just for her—there are even two chapters in the middle that are specifically written for her (and you). So, Mom, if you sheepishly started reading wondering if you were allowed to peek, go right ahead. Keep reading!
By noon you’re wondering if you’ve made a mistake by taking this job. And your previous enthusiasm has been crushed, pulverized into a mire of confusion.
As a stepdad, you have been “hired” for a very important job. And yet despite its significance, the work environment you have acquired is sometimes very confusing—and other times not. Being successful as the new person in this “company” depends heavily on finding your fit, identifying your responsibilities and objectives, and buddying up with your allies.
This book will show you how.
Heroes by Choice
I have a lot of respect for stepdads. If you ask me, you are heroes. You carry all the responsibilities and obligations of fatherhood, you provide for your family (and sometimes make up for what another man fails to do for his children), and you serve as a leader and coach to children (whether young or old) who are not your own. And you do it all by choice. That’s pretty awesome in my book, especially when some “staff” remain unappreciative and think you’re launching a hostile takeover.
The judgments placed on stepdads vary tremendously depending on whom you ask. Your biological children, if you have them, will likely declare you a hero (unless they are jealous of the time you spend with their stepsiblings). Your stepchildren may think you’re either the best thing since sliced bread or an “invader,” and everything in between. And your wife, who “hired” you, obviously wants you there but may not always know how to work with you.
It can be confusing. That’s why you must choose to be a hero. Reading this book is not just about pulling out the map (although that is what I’m trying to give you); it is also about choosing who you will be to the family God has given you. There is great honor in that. No matter what your work environment, choosing is your strength. That’s exactly what Ritchie did.
Ritchie heard me on a radio broadcast and sent me an email describing his experience as a stepdad. I found his story both encouraging and compelling. Bottom line—he is a hero by choice.
His first marriage ended with great tragedy when his wife vanished with their three-year-old daughter. At the time Ritchie wrote to me he hadn’t had any contact with his daughter in forty-three years. Can you imagine? Actually, I can, in a way. My middle son, Connor, died of an illness in 2009 at the age of twelve. I still count the days—the exact number of days—since I last talked to him. Even still, I struggle with the ambiguous nature of Ritchie’s loss; to not know what has become of his daughter must be excruciating. The residue of pain for