What Happens at Grandma's Stays at Grandma's

Lori Borgman

Description

The Best Memories Are Made in Everyday Moments Nationally syndicated newspaper columnist Lori Borgman has adored being a grandmother from the day her first grandbaby was born. Through each memorable momentfrom misadventures in missing teeth to being asked innocent questions like, ';Were you alive when Aesop wrote those fables?'her love for grandchildren and grandparenting has only grown. In What Happens at Grandma's Stays at Grandma's, Lori shares tender and amusing vignettes that will swell your heart, tickle your funnybone, and leave you smiling. She treasures each second of joy and chaos that her family creates and encourages you to do the same. This book will help you Appreciate the unique gifts of the important peopleyoung or grownin your lifeTake a break from the day's busyness to savor the little thingsFind a silver lining in even the silliest of situations These uplifting stories and reflections, told with Lori's signature wit and warmth, will remind you to cherish every delight life has to offer, no matter how small.

Informations

• Publié par: Harvest House Publishers
• Date de parution: 16 mars 2021
• Nombre de lectures: 0
• EAN13: 9780736983419
• Langue: English

Extrait

HARVEST HOUSE PUBLISHERS
EUGENE, OREGON
For bulk, special sales, or ministry purchases, please call 1-800-547-8979. Email: [e-mail]
Cover design by Kyler Dougherty
lnterior design by Rockwell Davis
Hand Lettering by Jessica Ballestrazze
What Happens at Grandma s Stays at Grandma s
Copyright 2021 by Good Cheer Publishing
Published by Harvest House Publishers
Eugene, Oregon 97408
www.harvesthousepublishers.com
ISBN 978-0-7369-8340-2 (pbk.)
ISBN 978-0-7369-8341-9 (eBook)
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Borgman, Lori, author.
Title: What happens at grandma s stays at grandma s : stories that celebrate the joy and chaos of grandparenting / Lori Borgman.
Description: Eugene, Oregon : Harvest House Publishers, 2021 | Summary: In What Happens at Grandma s Stays at Grandma s, Lori shares tender and amusing vignettes of grandparenting. She treasures each second of joy and chaos that her family creates and encourages readers to do the same - - Provided by publisher.
Identifiers: LCCN 2020029517 (print) | LCCN 2020029518 (ebook) | ISBN 9780736983402 (cloth) | ISBN 9780736983419 (ebook)
Subjects: LCSH: Grandmothers-Anecdotes. | Grandparenting-Anecdotes. | Grandparenting-Humor.
Classification: LCC HQ759.9 .B675 2021 (print) | LCC HQ759.9 (ebook) | DDC 306.874/5-dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2020029517
LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2020029518
All rights reserved. No part of this electronic publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means-electronic, mechanical, digital, photocopy, recording, or any other-without the prior written permission of the publisher. The authorized purchaser has been granted a nontransferable, nonexclusive, and noncommercial right to access and view this electronic publication, and purchaser agrees to do so only in accordance with the terms of use under which it was purchased or transmitted. Participation in or encouragement of piracy of copyrighted materials in violation of author s and publisher s rights is strictly prohibited.
For the Grands
Love always
C ONTENTS
1. Bonkers
2. Not So Fast, Baby
3. Have Gear, Will Travel
4. The Twists and Turns of Twins
5. Preemies
6. Rocking Walter Matthau to Sleep
7. Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer
8. Small Change
9. Babies on the Prowl
10. Sweating
11. This Baby Is Berry, Berry Special
12. The Stork Has Landed
13. Fit to Be Tied
14. Snip, Snip
15. Naming Grandma and Grandpa
16. Heeeere s Bobby!
17. He s Glad You Asked
18. Grandma Guilt
19. Air Mattress
20. Good Talkers
21. Clean Sweep
22. Don t Anybody Touch My Stuff
23. Peter Rabbit
24. My Name Is on the Bathroom Wall
25. Straight Flush
26. How Taft May Have Gotten Out of the Tub
27. Singin in the Car
28. Naughty or Nice?
29. The Big Outdoors
30. Momma s Not Far from the Heart
31. Souvenirs
32. Tummy Ache
33. What Dark Circles You Have, Grandma
34. Ahoy!
35. You Talkin to Me?
36. Manicure
37. We re the Reason They Can t Go to Steak n Shake
38. You re Not Amish?
39. Star Light, Star Bright
40. The Big Muddy
41. Get in Line to Hold the Baby
42. Sorry
43. Like Father, like Daughter
44. Flash Has a Party
45. Painting like Georgia O Keith
46. On Turning Eight
47. On Writing
48. Untitled
49. Wunnerful
50. The Black Eye
51. Once upon a Time
52. Sounds Fishy
53. What Happens at Grandma s Stays at Grandma s
54. So, You Broke the Broom
55. K-A-T-E
56. He Said, She Said, They Said
57. Pretty as a Picture
58. We ve Got Your Number
59. The Doctor Will See You Now
60. Doughnut Dash
61. Drive-by Fruiting
62. Best Grandma Ever
63. A Beetle in the Freezer
64. Make Mine a Double
65. The Family Tree
66. Framed
67. Take a Seat, Protect Your Legs
68. The Mermaid Challenge
69. The Nearly True Story of the First Thanksgiving
70. Substitute Teacher
71. Thinking Inside the Box
72. O Christmas She, O Christmas She
73. Home Alone
74. Mini Coach
75. Taking Flight
76. Free Wife
77. Always Room for More
78. This Fridge Ain t Big Enough for the Two of Us
79. Give a Kid a Cookie
80. Me and My Shadows
81. Oh Baby, What a Workout!
82. Return to Order
83. Remember When?
About the Author
About the Publisher
B ONKERS

I was confident I d never go as bonkers as other women did when they became grandmothers. You know the ones-they see you at the grocery, whip out their cell phones, pin you against a wall of pasta, and force you to look at picture after picture of their grandbabies. Meanwhile, your mocha fudge ice cream melts, and the deli potato salad grows warm and sprouts botulism.
The truth is, I m not really a small baby person. Preverbal creatures that communicate by crying have always put me on edge. When I was expecting, the books said not to worry because, as the mother, I would be able to distinguish one cry from another. The books lied. To this day, when a newborn wails, I feel perplexed.
Stop crying and just tell me what you want. Talk to me. Move your lips. Anything. I ll figure it out. Just try! Diaper? You want a new diaper? I ll get you a new diaper. No? It wasn t the diaper? Please talk. I know you can t talk, but listen: I can get you a crayon, and you can draw a picture of what you want. I ll even let you draw on the wall. Just help me. No? What then? You re hungry? Great! We ll feed you. So, that wasn t it either. You weren t hungry? Then what? Please talk to me. Try talking to me with your eyes. Blink once for yes and twice for no. I think I m getting something. Four legs and a tail? Neigh! You want a pony? Fine! I ll get you a pony!
Due to my limited abilities as a baby whisperer, I figured I d be one cool cucumber when the grandbaby arrived. After all, it s not like we were becoming parents. We would take a back seat now. We would be second string, the B team.
Then it happened. Our son called midmorning and matter-of-factly said they were going to the hospital. A few text updates straggled in during the afternoon saying progress was slow. We packed our bags, preparing to leave the next morning. Finally, at 11:30 p.m., the call came. The wait was over. It was a baby girl. Momma and baby were both fine.
We fell into bed exhausted. Vicarious long-distance labor and delivery had been a lot more tiring than we had anticipated. The next morning, we hopped into the car and sped to Chicago to meet our first grandbaby.
I noted what good time we had made as the new grandpa left skid marks wheeling into a parking spot at the hospital. We hurriedly got directions at the front desk, sprinted down a hallway, caught an elevator to the third floor, dashed down another hallway, took a deep breath, and slowly opened the door.
Our son stood leaning against a windowsill, holding a newborn swaddled in a soft, white blanket with pink and blue stripes. The tiny bundle was topped with a white stocking cap. The delicate profile of a newborn protruded above soft folds in the blanket.
Our son was a father. The completely obvious was completely stunning.
Our daughter-in-law was radiant. She emitted the glow of motherhood. It agreed with her. It agreed with our son, too, but his was the glow of fatherhood. Or maybe it was a light sweat from anxiety.
They were both totally over the moon, enthralled and enraptured with their beautiful newborn. Bits and pieces slowly floated back to me. We had been over the moon too. The marvel and wonder of new life take your breath away.
The new momma and papa looked so young, so wide-eyed and dewy. What were they? Ten and twelve? Nah, they were in their midtwenties. Had we been that young?
We had. Even younger.
They were completely inexperienced.
So were we.
They seemed to be naturals-at ease with the baby, moving in tandem with a fluid motion.
Our son handed the baby to me. It was so light and soft-like cradling a bundle of feathers. It s a different dimension when the baby you hold is your grandchild and not your own child. Because you re not the first line of defense, you relax more, take it all in more, savor it more-each flutter of the eyelids, each rise and fall of that tiny little chest.
When she cries, you won t be the one struggling to determine what she needs. It will be her parents job to discover she wants a pony. As a grandparent, your job is to absorb it all, to be swept up in the wonder and marvel of a new life and the start of another generation.
The start of the next generation had mesmerized me with her delicate hands and button nose. This small being had smitten me. I was completely in her power. All I could think of was how I could never let this precious bundle go. Maybe I was going to be as bonkers as all the other grandmas. It would probably only be a matter of time before I pinned someone down in the grocery with pictures on my cell phone. Maybe I wouldn t even wait til the grocery. Maybe I d pin someone down in the hospital on our way out.
She was so precious. So sweet.
I began thinking maybe I could take her home with us.
My daughter-in-law must have read my face because she announced that the security tag on the baby s beautiful right leg would set off an alarm if somebody-anybody-tried to remove the baby from the premises.
I nodded and smiled at the daughter-in-law, who still glowed.
Then I whispered to the baby that Grandma could slip that security tag right off her little leg, and we could give hospital security a run for their money.
I told her that Grandma had a vehicle ready to go in the parking lot.
I told her that Grandma would buy Cap n Crunch s Peanut Butter Crunch, hire circus clowns, and let her stay up until midnight. I whispered into her little ear, asking if she wanted to come home with me.
My husband stepped up for his turn to hold the baby and read my face as we