When Anger Hurts

Matthew Mckay

Sujets

• Sociologie, société et politique
• Popular psychology
• Social

Informations

• Publié par: New Harbinger Publications
• Date de parution: 01 janvier 0001
• Nombre de lectures: 0
• EAN13: 9781608824335
• Langue: English

Extrait

When Anger Hurts
Endorsements of When Anger Hurts, 1st edition

A good book practical and down to earth it will prove quite helpful to a great many readers.
-Albert Ellis, Ph.D., founder of Rational Emotional Therapy, and author, A New Guide to Rational Living

A fine job! I very much like its practical, applicable techniques, the friendly constructive tone.
-Carol Tarvis, author, Anger-The Misunderstood Emotion
When Anger Hurts
Quieting the Storm Within
Matthew McKay Peter D. Rogers Judith McKay
New Harbinger Publications
Publisher s Note
This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering psychological, financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought.
Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books
Copyright 2003 by Matthew Mckay, Peter D. Rogers, and Judith McKay
New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
5674 Shattuck Avenue
Oakland, CA 94609
Cover design by Amy Shoup
Edited by Kayla Sussell
Text design by Tracy Marie Carlson
ISBN-10: 1-57224-344-9 Paperback
ISBN-13: 978-1-60882-433-5 ePub
All Rights Reserved
New Harbinger Publications Web site address: www.newharbinger.com
First Edition 1989-2003
Second Edition
For Our Children
Dana, Noah, Jordan, and Rebekah
Ian and Becky
Contents
Preface to the Second Edition
1: How to Use This Book
2: The Myths of Anger
3: The Physiological Costs of Anger
4: The Interpersonal Costs of Anger
5: Assessing the Cost of Your Anger
6: Anger as a Choice: The Two-Step Model of Anger
7: Who s Responsible
8: 24-Hour Anger Management
9: Combatting Trigger Thoughts
10: Controlling Stress Step by Step
11: Problem Solving
12: Stopping Escalation
13: Coping Through Healthy Self-Talk
14: Anger Inoculation
15: Response Choice Rehearsal
16: Effective Communication
17: Anger as a Defense
18: Road Rage
19: Anger and Children
20: Spouse Abuse
Appendix: Response Choice Rehearsal (RCR) Group Protocol
Bibliography
Preface to the Second Edition
By now, When Anger Hurts has sold 250,000 copies. It s used all over the world in clinics, as well as anger management groups and classes. Hundreds of therapists regularly recommend it to clients, and thousands of readers have found and bought it, hoping to change their lives.
In the fourteen years since the book originally appeared we ve gotten a great deal of feedback, and we are honored that our book has proven useful to so many. But since it was introduced many things in our field have changed. Research, particularly the work of Jerry Deffenbacher, has pointed the way to more effective treatment protocols. So we have put them in this book-adding new chapters on 24-Hour Anger Management, Anger Inoculation, Problem Solving, Assessing the Cost of Your Anger, and Road Rage.
There have also been major changes made to the chapters on Anger and Children, Controlling Stress Step by Step, and Coping Through Healthy Self-Talk. And there have been deletions-notably the chapter on thought stopping that recent research has shown to be a questionable technique.
We believe this extensively revised second edition will give you an opportunity to learn the crucial skills you must have to change your life. Everything you need is here to alter even lifelong patterns of anger and reactivity. To the therapists and clinicians who ve used the first edition, we wish to express our thanks. And we offer the promise that this second edition will be even more effective, more helpful. To those who are just discovering When Anger Hurts , we invite you to make a commitment to change, by making the commitment to work your way through each step of this program. It is true that doing the exercises will take time and energy. But your reward, in the coin of stronger, healthier, more loving relationships, will be more than worth it.
-Matthew McKay, Ph.D.
Nance s Hot Springs
Calistoga, California
1
How to Use This Book
Anger has enormous costs. The impulse that felt so right at the moment, so justified, becomes in the quiet hours another source of guilt and regret. What seemed so worthy of blame passes. What remains are the scars, the hurt, and the alienation.
If you are often angry, every one of your relationships may be affected. Marriage can become a minefield. Distance grows. Walls thicken. Children may become hardened, resistant, while carrying deep feelings of worthlessness. Coworkers may withdraw or sabotage you, bosses become critical. A bitterness may grow with certain friends.
And anger affects your health. A twenty-five-year followup study of law students who had taken a test measuring hostility revealed a startling fact. Twenty percent of those who had scored in the top quarter on the hostility scale had died, compared to a death rate of only five percent for students who had scored in the lowest quarter on the same test ( New York Times 1989). Frequent anger is damaging to your body and increases the death rate from nearly every cause.
When Anger Hurts
This book is for people who are concerned about their anger, who ve grown tired of the emotional and physical toll that anger takes. It s for those who want less anger in their relationships, who seek better ways of expressing needs and solving problems.
This is a self-help book-which means that you are in for a lot of work. You can t achieve anger control without learning and practicing crucial coping skills. A passive reading of the text will prove disappointing. Nothing will change in your life.
A real change in your experience and expression of anger can be achieved only by doing the exercises, trying the techniques, and practicing your new skills on a daily basis. Whether you are learning stress reduction or a system to alter your anger-triggering thoughts, the book can help only if you master each step and then apply what you ve learned to real events in your life.
The work will pay off. The skills you ll learn in this book can help you achieve these important benefits:

1. The ability to control destructive anger venting. And the chance to protect and rebuild relationships that have been damaged by venting in the past.
2. A reduction in the frequency and intensity of your physiological anger response. There is a wealth of scientific data that anger damages your health (see chapter 3 ). The less anger you experience, the longer you live.
3. A change in the beliefs, assumptions, and attitudes that trigger chronic anger. As you learn to restructure anger-triggering thoughts, you ll find that fewer and fewer things upset you.
4. Identification of the stresses and needs that lie below your anger. When you re clear about the real problem, you can move past anger to decision making.
5. The ability to cope effectively with your stress. Instead of exploding when stress exceeds your tolerance threshold, you can employ specific relaxation tools.
6. Greater effectiveness in meeting your needs. Anger generates resistance and resentment in others. You may get short-term cooperation. But in the long run your needs will be ignored and you will be avoided. Problem solving and communication tools can help you get what you want without anger.
When Anger Helps
Despite its costs, anger can be adaptive. It s a warning signal that something is wrong. Just as physical pain can be a warning ( this stove is hot-move your hand right now ), anger can warn you of imminent trauma. Anger can provide the energy to resist emotional or physical threats. The following exceptional situations are examples of when anger helps:

1. Perhaps the most obvious situation in which anger can be helpful is that of physical threat or actual attack. Anger can mobilize you to defend yourself or escape.
A few years ago Iris, a middle-aged woman living in New York, heard footsteps following her as she was returning home alone from the theater. She was frightened, of course, but then she became angry at the thought of being victimized. She slowed down. Then, when the footsteps came near, she whirled around and shouted at the top of her voice, Get away from me you son of a bitch-or I ll kill you! The would-be attacker fled.

2. Anger can be adaptive when your boundaries are violated. This type of infringement can take a variety of forms. At work, Sally s boss often asked her to bring him coffee, although food service is not part of her job description. Jim s boss expects him to put in hours of unpaid overtime each day. A personal boundary can be violated by relatives or friends who drop in without calling, by a neighbor who consistently borrows tools, or by a lover who demands a kind of sexuality you find repulsive.
Anger can help you mobilize your resources to set appropriate limits. You don t need to get hostile or aggressive with your boss. But you can learn to be very assertive. In your personal life, anger can help you set limits and give you the strength to resist threatening demands.

3. Many people struggle with the task of separation and individuation . Some children live most of their lives in the shadow of intrusive or abusive parents. And even when the child thinks she s escaped by marrying and having her own family, the intrusiveness continues.
Penny is a case in point. When she and her husband and newborn baby moved to the other coast, they thought they had bought a measure of independence. Not so. Weekly telephone calls full of interrogation and criticism were followed by overlong visits where Penny s mother completely took over. Finally, Penny (supported by her husband) took the risk and confronted her mother. She didn t yell and scream. But her controlled anger allowed her to communicate the intensity of her need to raise her child her way. Penny s mother felt hurt and angry. But eventually she learned to apprecia