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Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 156, April 9, 1919

44 pages
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Ajouté le : 08 décembre 2010
Lecture(s) : 12
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[pg 273]
The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 156, April 9, 1919, by Various This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 156, April 9, 1919 Author: Various Release Date: June 14, 2004 [EBook #12614] Language: English Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 *** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, APRIL 9, 1919 ***
Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team
Vol. 156.
April 9, 1919.
CHARIVARIA. A Brass-hat employed at the Air Ministry recently requested that his salary might be reduced on the ground that there was now very little work for him to do. As no other symptoms developed, the close observation kept upon him has now been relaxed.
To what extent the habit of war economy is embedded in the minds of the British public was illustrated at Woodford Green on March 29th, when a lady entered the local Post Office and endeavoured to purchase some Daylight Saving Certificates.
The War Office Staff, it was stated in the House of Commons, has been reduced from 21,807 to 19,510 since the Armistice. It is only fair to point out that the vast bulk of them were not asked whether they wanted an Armistice.
The War Office talks of re-issuing to the Volunteers the rifles and equipment which were long ago called in. This threat is likely to discourage many of them from volunteering for the next Peace.
Experiments are being conducted with the view of discovering the best use to which obsolete army tanks can be put. Attached to a piece of cheese they are said to make excellent mouse-traps.
"The police," saysThe Irish Times,à propos of the escape of twenty Sinn Feiners from Mountjoy prison, "are pursuing active inquiries." This is much simpler than pursuing active Sinn Feiners.
"Ever since the snowdrop gave the first hint of Spring," burbles a contemporary, "we have watched the miracle of the young year unfolding." It certainlywas a miracle in the weather we had last week.
The suggestion is being put forward in certain quarters that, in order to save time, the Commission to fix the responsibility for the Peace should begin to sit at once.
It is not known definitely how many ex-munition workers in this country are at present in Government unemployment.
In connection with the recent report that the Sittinghurst Vermin Club had killed 1,175 mice in one day, we are asked to say that the number should be 1,176. It appears that one mouse made its way in a state of collapse to the Club headquarters and gave itself up.
From the newspapers we gather that a sample of water analysed by the Essex County Analyst contained seven per cent. of milk.
A man charged with burglary in Hoxton Street was captured in a meat-storage ice-house. It is said that, remembering a well-known precedent, he tried to evade capture by making a noise like a frozen Canterbury lamb.
Sir SAMUEL SCOTT says that the odds are that a quack will kill you quicker than a qualified doctor. All the same we prefer the slow-and-sure method.
According to the Bishop of MANCHESTER there is a shortage of curates. A spinster writes to say that she is not surprised, considering how quickly they get snapped up.
With reference to the burglar who made off with the jewels of ex-Queen
AMELIE, it is said that the fellow contemplates in future styling himself on his visiting-cards as "Housebreaker to the ex-Queen of Portugal."
A weekly paper states that if every soldier who served in France during the War would place all the letters he had received in a line they would reach a little more than once round the world. We hear, however, that, as the present addresses of several demobilised men are unknown, the feat will not be attempted.
"Between ten and fifteen thousand years ago," says Professor KEITH, "Scotland became fit for habitation." We ourselves should not have assigned so remote a date to the introduction of whisky into that country.
"There is no place like home," says a gossip-writer. This seems to indicate that spring cleaning has started at his residence.
"It isn't every year we celebrate peace," says a correspondent in a weekly paper. The usual custom, of course, is to celebrate peace about once every war.
"A Pretty Way to Pat Butter" is the heading of one of a contemporary's "Household Hints." They will never improve on the old-fashioned custom of slapping it heartily on the bread.
"People will be able to have their strawberries and cream this summer," said an official of the Food Ministry the other day. Still, for association's sake it is thought that the conventional description, "Marrows and Milk," will be retained on the menus.
Professor LEONARD HILL says that people working in gas factories who have to breathe poison fumes suffer less from influenza than anyone else. It is thought that this opinion may give a serious set-back to the Garden City movement.
"Hens like artificial light," says Professor RICE, of Cornell University, "and if provided with it will lay through the winter." One enterprising gas company, we understand, is already advertising that no fowl-house can be regarded as adequately furnished without its egg-in-the-slot meter.
[pg 274]
"£5.—Church, nicely situated Gothic structure, sliding roofs. No ground-rent. Pulpit, Font, Lectern, Organ, Parson, Choir Boys, Bells; fully seated; electric light, bells, &c."—Provincial Paper. It seems a nice cheap lot. The parson alone must be worth the money.
[On reading the heavy attack made by the "Political" Correspondent o fThe Times in Paris on the Peace Conference leaders, "and in particular the British Prime Minister."] How like the talk at Babel's Tower This interchange of tedious chat! War can be made in half-an-hour And why should Peace take more than that? All this procrastination, worst of crimes, Annoys the Paris Politician ofThe Times. Hadhebeen summoned to construct New Heavens and a brand-new Earth, To cope with Cosmos and conduct The business of its second birth, He would have finished months and months ago; Why, the Creation only took a week or so! He (while the Moving Spirit wired Instructions from the South of France) Would have dispatched, like one inspired, A thousand details at a glance, Built corridors for Poland while you wait, And at a single sitting fixed the Bolshies' fate. Noseanceof the secret sort, Had barred the Truth with bolts and keys; The Press, encouraged to report.
Verbatimhis soliloquies, Would have exposed to all men near and wide, (The Hun included) what was going on inside. Is it too late to start again? At this eleventh hour depose A Council whose united brain Apparently is comatose? Replace the Big Four with a Monstrous One, And hand the whole show over toThe Timesto run? O.S.
PEAS.—Have you planted your early peas yet? If not you should do so at once. Select a piece of well-tilled ground running North and South. To find the North go out at twelve o'clock and stand facing the direction you think the sun would be in if it were visible. Turn smartly about bringing up the left foot on the word "Two." If you guessed right the first time you will now be facing North. Without taking your eye off it, drill your peas into the ground in columns of fours. Don't forget to soak them in prussic acid or any simple poison (this is done more easily before they are sown) to prevent them being eaten by mice. A less effective precaution is to sit up all night near the vegetable garden and miaow. Here is a good recipe for cooking peas. Shell the peas. Take a piece of butter as big as a nut, two ducklings, six ounces sage and onions and three drops of mushroom catsup. Roast together briskly for twenty minutes. Boil the peas for fifteen minutes. Serve together. ONIONS.—The big, gentle onions seen in the shops can only be brought to maturity on very warm sandy soil. Most of them come from Portugal. How the natives can bear to part with them is a mystery. The small high-powered onions, on the other hand, are easily cultivated. The best varieties are Eau de Jazz, Cook's Revenge, Sutton's Saucepan Corroder and Soho Violet. Sow in rows and beat the soil flat with the back of a spade. Your neighbour's spade is as good as any other for this purpose. Goats are said to be very fond of onion tops, but many people hesitate to keep both. PARSNIPS.—To get big parsnips plant a single row twenty feet long. Thin out to ten feet apart. The crop you will get will last you until the following year. Placed in a quiet corner of the potting-shed and covered with sand it will last for several years. To get the best out of parsnips stew them in abain-marie for eight hours. Remove the undissolved portion of the parsnips and set the liquid on the stone floor of the larder to cool. Prepare a nice thick stock, adding seasoning to taste. Cut up three carrots. Place the carrots in the saucepan in which the parsnips were cooked, being careful to wash it out first. Add the stock, bring to a boil and serve. A LADY-FRIEND sends me the following instructions for growing vegetable marrows: In the sunniest art of the arden—the middle of the tennis-court is as
From a General Routine Order:— "Shoeing.—G.R.O. No. —— /d 23/10/18. With the exception of Pack and Draught Mules ..., all animals proceeding to join Units in the forward area must be shot all round without delay."
"Summer time commences to-morrow morning at 2 o'clock, and it will be necessary for people to put their clocks by one hour before retiring to bed to-night. In Southport the Cambridge Hall clock, which governs the clocks for the municipal buildings, will be put one hour at midnight."—Provincial Paper.
Our Helpful Press.
"The —— Society has a large selection of literature tracing the origin and development of Bolshevism, and exposing its miseries and horrors, of which samples will be forwarded on application." Times. We are not applying; it is bad enough to read about them.
            develop wish too eny uoectpt ehowrrexs thl mae vomela eorg r sws itds.Anwar dowortogn ,deil wesroar mngrostd oog a tes deb eht nIt ehm dild efo boots sub-soil.liosfi , no ruoyerskits s  ip-too  n tsiw ihoyrung wlowiIf iay. i dehsiulof ehtnbey ilasngtiis docepcenncni-ip hhe tat wd tethwidef roe  snietdnn a halfxhibitio.retaw-dna-yksih iowrrmae thf  Iagdrmo e.rS awetendwcomms reener whestor tedhao i gn a nliap fo through it, alloiwgnht ene dfot th, ghhi p aadre fo ecei detsrowenit. Whnds  sta twtbauodn s oahphospheryp hofs trap lauqe fo putrat, nionesnd brguomi,efol ta eutboix s tch aip sihnertnI .t otst made  a compoiehg tfouhdnerwdeek ot eot eht p te,id wargcinakt ehrfmooslis buil sp soate epare eresl gidrt ago   aodans heywpea dna obtus xiench ten feet de.eR atts tots laop-she tce teplana lios-poT .lio ean cilsob-sud  dno ehcerhs .dA cardamoive, oneevolh ,st ,nc owegtmnd af alnua om tt frron-he ird.yofnu tekT ahthy  bptisemche ton si tfsyawla e of soda and bais-clsga .hT eabc-siagslho sd ulboebniatd deceri theholde-pi hosotr pi eN wose.tthr teen-psehoe lif rieh lliw ,l into it a fewdr fawet rna dopru olyr vepaa  oilp epeprecidnraluhT eta .nof b cad infrieves  leaegabbac emosecal pnd eerttlae the tanet  ,ahivgnaves andbbage let ybacehcart det bllate ugslwis  erddnb .dA woen.LGOLo  tgslu she tse xaler dna tniafoforhlorof cops c uaiwllih s.mT  phee ipouhr tghtaw a reotnieht ld. Theytheir ho nafllt iwllt ehnd anc eselohe tr-gn mootrucsniahis will protectm raor wnii .tT  sAss.oe tasn oomorf ti tiuqsom wing groif i or raorehm sase wecf det rotsbututiy ma sbe mern aim raor wnoa tsehed as sohe worstm a ekaM .gnol tee fix sutbo aisariwfod ia ra p t ofg oun bauslida.eOH WOTG TER ID OF SLUGS.Tak a eceipfo esoh pie- apeutboor feeltytf L yano.g end onewher anyht dna e rehto e lhe tont sluggit becomehxbitilshsa dne etppe its os aof yda rofi tier sarroe. Mtablthe htsii  nornwswg ioiceledak may wlamram-egnaro su
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That should save the farriers a lot of trouble.
In spite of oft-repeated warnings—in spite of the fact that I personally explained to each sentry that all he had to remember was that there were only seven different kinds of military passes, each one of different colour and all with dates, stamps and signatures, and that there was no difficulty in recognising its validity if a pass had the right British official stamp and so long as the signature underneath was one of the twenty-four people authorised to sign (a list of which would be kept in every sentry-box and constantly revised), and if the number of the pass, the name of the person, his address, destination, habits, hobbies and past life tallied exactly with the information on his "personal Ausweis," which must be produced except in the case of a licence to proceed by bicycle, which differed, of course, in colour, shape, size and other small details (which would have to be learnt by heart) from the licence to carry foodstuffs—in spite, also, of the fact that all necessary details of the examination of passes were typewritten in not more than three pages of the clearest official language and were posted up in every sentry-box—even then that ass Nijinsky let the whole company down by passing a member of the Intelligence Police through the line on his giving his word of honour that it was all right. The result was, of course, that I received official intimation that our line could apparently be broken at any time and that "steps must be taken," etc., etc. I took steps in the direction of Nijinsky.
[pg 277]
Nijinsky is a Polish Jew (from Commercial Road, E.) and has long been the despair of his platoon sergeant. He is fat where there is no need to be fat, his clothes bulge where no clothes are expected to bulge, and he is the kind of man who loses a cap-badge once a week, preferably just before the C.O. comes round. There is only one saving grace about him. He can always be trusted to volunteer for a dull lecture or outing to which nobody else wants to go, but to which certain numbers have to be sent. His invariable reply to the question is, "Yiss, I'll ger-go, it's ser-something for ner-nothing." I found him, as I expected, hanging round the cookhouse, and taxed him with his neglect of duty. "He ter-told me I ought to use my dis-cretion, Sir," he piped in his high plaintive voice. I told him severely that it was a trick, a very palpable trick, and that he must ever be on the alert for all such kinds of evasion. Finally, when I had informed him how badly he had let us all down, he waddled away contrite and tearful, and fully under the impression, I think, that I should probably lose my commission through his negligence. I did not realise how deeply he had taken the matter to heart until I found him at his post apparently reading the Riot Act to a crowd of obsequious Huns, who were listening patiently to the written law as expounded in Yiddish—that being a language in which he succeeds in making himself partially understood. The incident passed, but I began to have fears that the reformed rake might prove a greater danger than ever. The next day my worst fears were realised. In fact, during my temporary absence Nijinsky surpassed himself. At eleven o'clock the General, supported by his Staff, rolled up in his car and stopped at Nijinsky's post on his way into "neutral" country. The General, the G.S.O.1, the D.A.Q.M.G. and the A.D.C. got out, shining, gorgeous and beflowered with foreign decorations, to chat to the sentry (you've seen pictures of it; it's always being done), Nijinsky, who had already turned back two innocuous Gunner Colonels (armed with sporting guns) that morning, sauntered up, drunk with newly acquired confidence, his rifle slung on his right shoulder and his hat over one eye. "All well here, sentry?" asked the General, towering over him in all his glory. "Pup-pass, please," said Nijinsky, ever on the look-out for some cunning trick. "Oh, that's all right; I'm General Blank." The word "General" recalled Nijinsky to his senses. He unslung his rifle, brought it to the order, brought it to the slope and presented arms with great solemnity, and as only Nijinsky can. "Oh—er—stand easy," said the General, when the meaning of these evolutions was made manifest to him. "Wonderful days for you fellows here—what? There have been times when the Rhine seemed a long way away, didn't it? And now here you are, a victorious army guarding that very river! It's a wonderful time for you, and no doubt you appreciate it?"
[pg 278]
"Ger-grub's short," said Nijinsky. "Rations?" said the D.A.Q.M.G. "I've had no complaints." "Yiss. No spuds—taters, I mean." "We must see to that," said the General. "Well, we'll go on, I think;" and they got into the car. "Pup-pass, please," said Nijinsky, spotting the trick at once. "Oh, that's all right, my good fellow. Drive on." "N-n-no," said Nijinsky sternly; "you ker-can't ger-go without a pup-pup-pass!" "Come, come, don't be ridiculous. I'm your General; you know me perfectly well " . "Yiss." "Then let me through, do you hear? And let me have no more of this infernal nonsense. " "It's ug-ug—" "It's what?" "Ug-against orders." "Iknow all about the orders, boy. I gave them myself." "Yiss, and I'm ker-carrying them out, ain't I?" came with inexorable logic. "Well, now I give you orders to let me through. Do you see?" "Yiss; but if I do they'll have me up for disobeying the fer-first one. Pup-pass, please." "Don't be ridiculous. Wemustgo through. Don't you realise we have our duty to perform?" "Yiss, Sir, so have I." "'Pon my soul, this is too preposterous. My good boy, I'm very glad you know how to obey an order, but you must use your discretion sometimes." At the word "discretion" Nijinsky started. Then he broke all records and winked —winked at a perfectly good General at eleven o'clock in the morning. "Oh, no, you der-don't," he grinned; "I've been her-had before. The Captain says I'm ner-not to use my discretion; it only ger-gets me into a lot of terouble." The General got out of his car. So did the G.S.O.1. So did the D.A.Q.M.G. So did the A.D.C. But the s ectacle was not so im ressive as before. The
advanced in artillery formation upon the enemy. It was enough. Perish the General Staff! They were mere phantoms of authority beside the vision of the company officer and the words, "Escort and accused—halt. Left—turn. Private Nijinsky, Sir." With his eyes bulging with excitement Nijinsky leapt back and assumed the attitude of warlike defiance known as "coming on guard."
The General hesitated. He did not know Nijinsky, you see; he had never seen him going sick before the battle, or heard him murmur "ser-something for ner-nothing," as he took his medicine.
"Look here, my man, you are exceeding your duty and the consequences will be very serious. I willnotbe stopped in this outrageous manner! There is a time toobeyorders and there is a time touse our discretion. Confound it, we must allof us use our discretion at times."
"Then," said Nijinsky, "wer-will you per-please use yours, for. I ker-can't let you through without a pup-pass."
The sun shone brightly on the car as it retired ignominiously, leaving Nijinsky hot, happy and victorious, presenting arms faithfully to the indignant Great Ones, and silence reigned on the battlefield.
He came and spluttered it all out to me afterwards, concluding with "I der-didn't let the ker-company down this time, Sir, der-did I?" and evidently expected a pat on the back for it.
Teams of infuriated artillery horses wouldn't drag from me whether he got it or not, but from that day to this he has never looked back. Indeed he has begun to take a pride in his personal appearance and general smartness. I met him yesterday wearing a smile like a slice of melon and with his boots, and buttons glistening in the sunshine.
"The General came through to-day, Sir," he said, beaming, "and he her-had a pup-pass all right;" and he strutted on, making strange noises in his throat, which I understand is the Yiddish for being pleased with yourself.
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