Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 99, December 13, 1890

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• Publié le: 08 décembre 2010
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Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 99., December 13, 1890

Author: Various

Release Date: July 14, 2004 [EBook #12905]

Language: English

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Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Vol. 99.

December 13, 1890.

MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS. No. IX.—THE CURSE OF COGNAC. ( By  WATER DECANT, nioahlpsiFffhAuthf"CoroMen,""ThefotidEsnoiroft,ee"A"Slltsor NunsinDliemma,""TheCreamheTired,""Blue-the-MoneyNaughty-boy,""TheSliverGutter- Snipe,""AllforaFardenFare,""TheRoleyHose,""CaramelofStickinesse,"&c.,&c,.&c. ) [OfthisstorytheAuthorwirtestousasfollows:—"Icanhonesltyrecommendi,tascalculatedto lowertheexaggeratedcheerfulnesswhichisapttoprevailatChirstmasitme.Iconsiderit, therefore,tobeeminenltysuitedforaChristmasAnnual.Famiilesareadvisedtoreaditin detachmentsoffourorifveataitme.Marriedmenwhoowetheirwives'mothersagrudgeshould lockthemintoabareroom,withagutteirngcandleandthisstory.Deathwllibecertainandnot painless.I'vegotoneortworodsinpickleforthepubilshers.Youwaitandsee.—W.D."] CHAPTER I. GEORGEGINSLINGwasaloneinhisCollege- rooms at Cambridge. His friends had just left him. Theywerequitetheitp-topsetinChrist'sCollege, andtheashesofthecigarettestheyhadbeen smokinglayabouttherichAxminstercarpe.tThey had been talking about many things, as is the wont ofyoungmen,andoneofthemhadparitcularly bothered GEORGE by asking him why he had refused a seat in the University Trial Eights after rowing No. 5 in his College boat. GEORGE had no answerready,andhadrepiledanglir.yNow,he thought of many answers. This made him nervous. He paced quickly up and down the deserted room, sipping his seventh tumbler of brandy, as he walked.Itwashisinvairablecustomtodrinkseven tumblers of neat brandy everynight to steady himself,andhisCollegecareerhad,in consequence, been quite unexceptionable up to thepresentmoment.HeusedplayfullytoremindhisDeanofPORSON'sdrunkenepigram,andthegood manalwaysacceptedthisasanexcuseforanyfalsequanititesinGEORGE'sGreekIambics.Butto-nigh,tas I have said, GEORGE was nervous with a strange nervousness, and he, therefore, went to bed, having previouslyblownouthiscandleandplacedhisWaterburywatchunderhisplilow,onthetopofwhichsata Devilwearingathickjerseyworkedwithlargegreenspotsonayellowground. CHAPTER.II NowthisDevliwasaWater-Devilofthemostpronouncedtype.Hishead-quarterswereontheThamesat Barking,wherethereisasewageouftall,andhehadlatelyestabilshedabranch-ofifceontheCam,wherehe did a considerable business. Occasionally,hewouldrundowntoCambridgehimse,fltoconsultwithhismanage,randontheseoccasions hewouldindulgehisplayfulhumourbygoingoutatnightandsittingonthepillowsofUndergraduates.

Thiswasoneofhisnightsout,andhehadchosenGEORGEGINSLING'splilowashisseat.

GEORGEwokeupwithastart.Whatwasthisfeeilnginhisthroat?Hadheswallowedhisblanket,orhis cocoa-nutmatitng?No,theyweresitllintheirrespecitveplaces.Hetoreouthistongueandhistonslis,and examinedthem.Theywereonifre.Thispuzzledhim.Hereplacedthem.Ashedidso,ashowerofred-hot coppersfellfromhismouthontohisfee.tTheagonywasawful.Hehowled,anddancedabouttheroom. Thenhedashedatthewhiskey,butthebottleduckedasheapproached,andhefailedtotacklei.tPoor GEORGE,yousee,wasarowing-man,notafootball-playe.rThenheknewwhathewanted.Inhiskeeping- room were six carafes ,lluffombCadgriwaer,teH.sonaJdehsurendan,iadadnbtozoneoftlesádiHuny hurledhimselfuponthebottleswithallhisweight.Thecrashwasdreadful.Theforeignbotltes,beingpoo,r frail things, broke at once. He lapped up the liquid like a thirsty dog. The carafes survived. He crammed them withtheirawfulcontents,oneatferanother,downhisthroa.tThenhereturnedtohisbed-room,seizedhisjug, andemptieditatonegulp.Hisbathwasfull.Helitfeditinonehand,anddraineditasdryasaUniversity sermon. The thirst compelled him—drove him—made him—urged him—lashed him—forced him—shoved him—goadedhim—todirnk,dirnk,drinkwater,water,water!Atlasthewasappeased.Hehadciredbittelry, anddrunkupallhistears.Hefellbackonhisbed,andsleptfortwenty-fourhours,andtheDevilwentoutand gavehisgyp,STARLING,acompletesetofinstrucitonsforuseincaseoflfood.

CHAPTERIII.

STARLING was a pale, greasy man. He was a devil of a gyp. He went into GEORGE's bed-room and shook his master by the shoulder. GEORGE woke up.

"BringmetheCollegepump,"hesaid."Imusthaveit.No,stay,"heconitnued,asSTARLINGpreparedto executehisorders,"ahairotfhedog—bringi,tquick,quick!" STARLING gave him three. He always carried them about with him in case of accidents. GEORGE devoured themeagerl,yrecklessl.yThenwithadeepsighofreile,fhewentstarkstaringmad,andbitSTARLINGinthe lfeshypartofthethigh,afterwhichhefellfastasleepagain.Onawaking,hetookhisnameofftheCollege books,gaveSTARLINGachequefor£5000,brokeoffhisengagement,butforgottoposttheletter,and consutledaDoctor. "Whatyouwant,"saidtheDoctor,"istobeshutupforayearinthetap-roomofapubilc-house.Nowate,ronly spiirts.Thatmustcureyou." So GEORGE ordered STARLING to hire a public-house in a populous district. When this was done, he went and lived there. But you scarcely need to be told that STARLING had not carried out his orders. How could he beexpectedtodothat?Onlyiffty-sixpagesofmybookhadbeenwirtten,andevenpublishers—themost abandonedpeopleonthefaceoftheearth—knowthatthatamountwont'makeaChirstmasAnnual.So STARLINGhiredaTemperanceHote.lAsIhavesaid,hewasadevliofagyp. CHAPTER IV. Thefactwasthis.OneofGEORGE'sgreat-greatuncleshadheldacommissionintheBlueRibbonArm.y GEORGErememberedthistoolate.TheofferofaseatintheUniversityTiralEightsmusthavesuggestedthe blueribbonwhichtheUniversityCrewwearontheirstrawhats.Thusthediaboilcalforcesofhereditywere rousedtofever-heat,andthegreat-greatuncle,withhisblueirbbon,whosephotographhunginGEORGE's homeoverthepalrourmantelpiece,becamealivingforceinGEORGE'sbrain. GEORGEGINSLINGwentandilvedinasuburbanneighbourhood.tIwasuseless.Hemariredasweetgirl withvariousspitefulrelationsI.nvain.HechangedhisnametoPUMPDR,Yandconductedalocalnewspape.r Profitlessstriving.STARLINGwasalwaysathand,alwaysreadywiththepatentlifter,andaspunctualinhis appearancesasthewashing-blliortheEastwind.Irepeat,hewasadevliofagyp. CHAPTER V. TheyfoundGEORGEGINSLINGfeetuppermositnsixinchesofwaterintheDaffodliRoadreservoi.rItwasa largereservoir,andhadbeenquitefullbeforeGEORGEbeganuponit.Thiswashisrecorddirnk,anditkilled him.Hislastwordswere,"fIIhadstucktowhiske,ythiswouldneverhavehappened." THE END. "IT IS THE BOGIE MAN!"—BLACKIE'S Modern Cyclopedia odongtothi.NeltrnsMiytsirhCehthtiw Entertainmen,tbutaveryusefulworkofreference,issuedfromtheancienthouseofpubilsherswhichisnow quite BLACKIE with age. We have looked through the "B's" for "Bogie," but "The Bogie Man" is "Not there, not there, my child!" but he is to be found in that other BLACKIE's collection at the St. James's Hall, which BogieManissaidtobetheoirginalofthatilk. iraveedUndutr "?ieerPpshahetxendetoitifonB"go BLACKIE's ve-eCyropcliaedliwxelialpnstill-omerM-dore-nhtna .

PARS ABOUT PICTURES ( by Old Par FhetAttArein'yteicoSrellaGsgazeyIontdupciutehpfoers)—. "Many-sidedNature"withgreatcontent,andcametotheconclusionthatM.rALBERTGOODWINwasa many-sidedarits.t"Now,"saidI,quotingSHAKSPEARE— OdlPras'IpmveroEddioitn —"is the GOODWIN ofourgreatcontentmadegloirous."O.P,.whoknowseveryinchofAbingdon,whohasgazeduponHasitngs fromHighWickham,whoisintimatewitheverybrickinDorcheste,rwholoveseveryreedandirppleonthe Thames, and has a considerable knowledge of the Rigi and Venice, can bear witness to the truth of the painter. There are over seventy pictures—every one worth looking at. [pg 278] "BUSINESS!"

[pg27]9

Sweatert(o Mr. PunchTNREEFIREOYRUINESSISNG.BUSI"N.USO)NESSBUSI!" M .r P."YES, AND UNCOMMONLY BAD BUSINESS, TOO, FORTHEM. COULDN'T THE LARGE FIRMS TAKE A TRIFLE LESS PROFIT, AND PUTA LITTLE PLEASURE INTO THE BUSINESS OF THESE POOR STARVING WORKERS?" ["Business"!criestheSweate,rwhenremonstratedwtihforpayingthepoorMatch-boxmakerstwopence-farthing ortwopence-hal-fpennyagross,whlisthisownprofitsreach22-1/2to25percen.t—DyliaweNs]. PunchtotheSweaitngShylock. Eh? "Business is business"? Sheer cant, Sir! Pure gammon? Ofalltheinhuman,shamMaximsofMammon, This one is the worst, Forundertiscovelrurkscrueltycallous, Withmurderousmeannessthatmetirsthegallows, And avarice accurst. Oh,well,I'maware,Sri,howruthlessrapactiy Lovestotakeshelter,wtihcunningmendactiy 'Neath an old saw; Butwellsaysthescirbethatsuch"business"iscirme,Si,r Andsuchwouldbebutforgapshaflthetime,Sir, 'Twixtjusitceandlaw. Bah! Many a man who's sheer rogue in reality, Hidestheharshknaveinthemaskofl"egaltiy." When'itstoogross, Robbery's rash, but austere orthodoxies Countenance such things as modern match-boxes Ninef-arthingsagross! Fromseventitllen,andsomeitmestoeleven, For"sixbob"aweek.Ah!suchilfemustbe heaven; Whilst as for your "profit," Tha'tsboundtoapproachfive-and-twentypercen,.t That Sweaters shall thrive, let their tools be content WtihstarvaitoninTophet. Tostarves'badenough,buttostarveandtowork (Mrs.LABOUCHEREhints),themostpaitentmayrik; Andtheladyisirght— Business? On brutes who dare mouth such base trash, Mr. Punchash,,wohlvojestiusacesndesneal,hsylsi Withthegreatestdeilgh.t HeknowstheexcusesadvancedfotrheSweate,r Butbadisthebest,and,unitlyoufindbetter, 'iTsuselesstocant Ofrfeedomofcontrac,tsupplyanddemand, Andallthecoldsophistireseveronhand Sound sense to supplant. A phrase takes the place of an argument often. And stomachs go empty, and brains slowly soften, And sense sick with dizziness, Allinthenameotfheboshmenembody Inoneclapt-rapphrasethatdupesmanyanoddy, That—business is business! Business?Yes,preciousbadbusinessforthem,Si,r Whose joyless enslavementyouekattiw,mSlhgehcphusir, Suppose, to enhance Therismallshareofease,suchasyou,werecontent,Sir, Toloweratrlfieyourprecious"percent,."Si,r And givethema chance!

SOFT SAWDER.

"BUTIDON'TCALLTHISAFASHIONABLE'AT"! "IT WILL SOONBECOMESO, MADAM, IFYOUAEWTIR"!

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. In Camp and Studio thnomesttiare,UGATNOMitemos,Mr.IRVINGatffcisof The lIlustratedLondonNews giveshi,neecsfosxeepir-TsokiurhetusR.ngiChsapma HeconciselysumsupthequailifcaitonsofaWarCorrespondentbysayingthathe should"haveanironconsittuiton,alaconic,incisivestyle,andsufficienttactto estabilshasafeandrapidconnecitnglinkbetweentheforefrontofbatlteandhis ownhead-quartersinFleetStreetorelsewhere."AsM.rIRVINGMONTAGUseems tohaveilveduptohisideal,itisalitlteastonishingtoifndthelastchaptersofhis book devoted to Back in Bohemia ,aw,hebryeeirnesooursdischeehDottnigfog Hammersmith Desdemona , and of the Postlethwaites  and Maudles , "whose peculiairiteshavebeenrecordedbythefacilepenofDUMAURIER."Butasthe author seems pleased with the reader, it would be indeed sad were the reader to A Christmas Masque. findfaultwiththeautho.rHowever,thismaybesaidinhisfavour—hetells(atleast) onegoodstor.yOnhisreturnfromPlevnatoBohemia,adinnerwasgiveninhis honour at the Holborn Restaurant. Every detail was perfect—the only omission was forgetfulness on the part of the Committee to invite the guest of the evening ! At the last moment the mistake was discovered, and a telegramwashuriredlydespatchedtoMr.MONTAGU,teillnghimthathewas"wanted."Onhisarrivalhewas refusedadmittancetothedinnerbythewaiters,becausehewasnofturnishedwithaticket!Ulitmatelyhewas usheredintotheBanqueitngHall,wheneverythingnecessaliryendedhappily. OnemightimaginethatBirthdayBookshavehadtheirda,ybutapparentlytheysitlllfourish,forHAZELL, WATSON,&VINEYpublishyetanothe,rundertheitlteof Names we Love, and Places we Know . The first doesnotapplytoourfirends,buttothequotationsselected,andplacesareshownbyphotos. Of many enifectnseBlfuveLindaseU gdenotgnasujheRElBliM—r"a,eShyni,"wAHuCosertiitethadre variouscasesbroughtbeforehimbyM.rROBERTCOCHRANE. Unlucky withthisname,byACORILENASUlielettirgwhlerosdaehtkoobethotbllnwiN.TI Everybody's Business idnnehteirfprovedcaseitinhtsicn,ebtuHORNAYTbody,noseilkiefertnreMSIyb, need. Chivalry ,Lbyadnisthood,itsrules,htigknfoleiconrhcasi,HTIRFENRYbyHtednslatarEI,RAGTUOÉN deeds.Tothescientiifcstudent, iDvocsCthenterytuenofoisniNenhtesanerieventdIn , by ROBERT ROUTLEDGE,B.S,.F.C.S.,wlilbeinteresting,andhelphimtodiscoveralothedoesnotknow.Thosewho have not already read it, A Wonder Book for Girls and Boys earlyb,ANIENATHWTHOLHAwliNR,Eevalah treat in the myths related; Tanglewood Tales  are included, and these are delightful for all. Rosebud , by Mrs. ADAMSACTON,ataleforgilrs,whowilllovethisbirghltiltteflowe,rbringinghappinessallaround. HollyLeaves , the Special Number of amitcehTSportingandDra , is quite a seasonable decoration for the drawing-roomtableduringtheChirstmasholidays. My faithful "Co." has been reading Jack's Secret ERONCAMich,,whMsr,ybEVTT.OLltaeyha,grsehyssa pleasedhim.Ithasaninterestingstor,yandisfullofcleversketchesofcharacter. Jack htsraera,fismle,ih weakpersonage,andscarcelydeservesthegoodfortunewhichutlimatelyfallstohislot.Atferlfiritngwitha borncoquette,whotreatshimwithacruetlywhichisnotatlogetherunmeirted,hesetltesdownwitha thoroughlylovablelilttewife,andaseatintheHouseofLords.Fromthisitwllibegatheredthatallends happily. Jack's Secret wyMUDIE's,andwlileblteotubelbaredisnocaorft,epkbelilthe—bytime

subscribers. Gilrswillbetheircherthisyearby romowt-eirotSetyifFrGisforls ghlidtethwisiwbyoeedllband, t-ytowifF moreStoiresforBoys , by many of the best authors: both these books are edited by ALFRED MILES, and published by HUTCHISON & Co. Lion Jack , by P.T. BARNUM, is an account of JACK's perilous adventures incaptuirngwildanimals.tfIheyweren't,ofcourse,alltrue, Lyin' Jack hldouwneebevaettebaritlt.e Syd Belton , unlike most story-book boys, would not go to sea, but he was made to go .rM,rohtuaehtby, [pg 280] MANVILLEFENN.Oncelaunched,heprovedhimseflaBritishsaltofthefirstwater. Dumps and I , by Mrs. PARR, is a par CO.ETHUEN&owkr.sMrtoehrthwihe,anrpaiuqoet,slrdnabooteytrigkofticuyprlarl publish these. PicturesandStoriesfromEngilshHistory , and Royal Portrait Gallery , are two Royal Prize Books for the histoirca-lmindedchild;theyarepubilshedbyT.NELSONANDSONS,asilkewise" tizrF " of Prussia, Germany's Second Emperor , by LUCY TAYLOR. Dictionary of Idiomatic English Phrases , by JAMES MAIN DIXON, M.A., F.R.S.E., which may prove a useful guide to benighted foreigners in assisting them to solvetheusualBirtishvagairesofspeech;ilkethecommencementoftheDicitonar,yitisquitean"A1"book. "DearDiary!"asoneofM.rF.C.PHILLIPS'sheroinesusedtoaddressherlitltebook,butDELARUE'sare not"dearDiaires,"norparticularlycheapones.ThispublisherisquitetheArftulDodgerindevisingdiariesin allshapesandsizes,fromthebigpocket-booktothemoreinsidiouswaistcoat-pocketbooklet,—"smallby degrees,butbeauitfullyless."

"Here's to you, TOM SMITH!"—it's BROWN in the song, but no matter,—"Here's to you," sings the Baron, "withallmyheart!"Yourcomicgutta-percha-facedCrackersareanovetly;infact,you'vesolvedadifficultyby introducing into our old Christmas Crackers several new features.

ThisyeartheBarongivesthepirzeforpictorialamusementtoLOTHARMEGGENDORFER(Gods!whata name!),who,assistedbyhispubilshers,GREVEL&CO,.hasproducedanirresisitblyfunnybookofmovable figures,entilted Comic Actors . What these coloured actors do is so moving, that the spectators will be in fits of chuckling. Recommended, says THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.

"WHERE IGNORANCE IS BLISS." ARGUMENT.—EDWIN has taken ANGELINA, his ifancée shwigineMmsresi,tadn,eoratnaiennmtentby,at tosethisdoubtsatrest,hasgoneupontheplatform,andplacedhimselfenitrelyattheMesmeirst's disposition.OnrejoiningANGELINA,shehasinsisteduponbeingtakenhomeimmediatel,yandhasciredall the way back in the hansom—much to EDWIN's perplexity. They are alone together, in a Morning-room; ANGELINAisstillsobbinginanarm-chai,randEDWINisrubbinghisearashestandsonthehearthrug. Edwin ahev'ntuodlIwin!mingycoebodupeongrowsi,ehtlkisomhavealleshLEGNA,yasI.onog'tondA,IN if'Idknownitwouldupsetyoulikethis;butIonlywantedtomakequitesurethatthewholethingwashumbug, and—( ltnecalpcomy eldhtta.inthrhettseIktarI—) Ang. i ( n choked accents t?haut—bY.)suolttetde how? c—Iayawogh,Oihtotraebt'na![allfitn.k.o. Fresh outburs.t Ed. lialettouYe'rad,nilrrensuovsall—ang,that',eIm'adoyuesthgirlltlefI.tlitlasyowdre,ebocnkentuIw perfectlywellwhatIwasaboutalltheitme. Ang. ( with a bound ). You knew?—then you were pretending—and you call that a good joke! Oh! Ed. llefehtdna,tushsyeemyhitwli,lttstasjsug.IndinretelypdraHtdeesofieceabit.Iwaitwosrtkodemyaf anythingwouldcomeofit—andnothingdid,that'sal.lAlteas,t'ImnotawarethatIdidanythingpeculia.rIn fac,tI'm certain Iddi'n.t( Uneasily. ) Eh, ANGELINA? Ang. i ( hergtoowinly,ubirnigeebfcaideucnoihssntcnitsidn t'raellynkwo,you'dbub-bub-.)fIuyod-d-ond- better-notask—butIbeileveyoudo—quitewe!ll Ed. nommocejs'ti,kwahsetLuosoaAtNtGhIlree,lfI,EievdebahlloatafthutoIsohludnkwoit.Idon't recollecti,tthat'sal.lDopullyourselftogether,andtellmeallaboutit. Ang. ( sipugnitt yreV.)doostnettogruoywohuyon'ca.sttBuvahofeertyllayouwillwell—if,oyuumhvaeti beforethefootilghts,makingthemosthorriblefaces,asifyouwereinfrontofalooking-glass.Allthoseother creaturesweredoingi,ttoo;bu,toh,EDWIN,yourswerefartheugliest—theyhauntmesitll....Imustnt'thinkof them—Iwont'![ Buries her face again. Ed. ( reddening painfully ). No, I say— did I? not really—without humbug, ANGELINA! Ang.You waswithtifitgu!nA,duotuhbmt,haehftatergassalevaguoylivecod-cuc-ofdn,larioesbowkn —andpup-pup-paraffin,andyoudud-drankitup,andaskedformore,andsaiditwasthebub-bub-best Scotchwhiskeyyouevertasted.Yououghtnt'evento know about Scotch whiskey! Ed. onkumwcIt'nadidchifI tha . t Odd I shouldn't remember it, though. Was that all? Ang. oo.mynapmoccaotdebranolfseuryoouyfulaehrdtarae—tdAastgfntennod.pOrhe,—andsong EDWIN,youknowyoudid;youcant'denyi!t Ed. I—I didn't know I could mealready,ANGLENI,Abranot'Im?oonedabsrofhguoing;sd—diadnsyayuo without inwlgoh W!l,elsI—gnadnatahweht?n Ang. titbauoofllwode,itdanednttauoyiuqs,ecdnarfayouetoclosotpevrslihtawieancautoutpehnehT everywhere with your nose; you must oyuitcde!olkouttehowidiorlyvahnwonke Ed. ( dropping into a chair eWll,ogo,nAGNatthetime.....)toNtes'hvaLENI;Al.Whatneitall?txe Ang. teheweroyuoyurobanAcmpioCha,dlroWehtfottongabeuyodanstrikefoolishxeNO?tthedolnh,tex attitudes,andturngreatclumsysomersautlsalloverthestage,andyoualwayscamedownonthelfatofyour back! Ed. t I hough I t iftrsleelfat(?eslenythings,eh?Aemsruatlitff.oS With forced calm ) . Ang. I did think I should have died of shame when you danced?

Ed. Oh, I danced , did I? Hum—er—was I alone ?

Ang. oruofeerwrehtnTaniperwreherdenydu,owaeeidmautrueosissaadbaettchdeg.otYolnlctien aritifcialwreathandagug-gug-gauzeskirt.

Ed. ( collapsing ). No?? I wasn' ! t llasawti,EIGAN,aysIutBd!ooekevltahmsuerIoundabWhat.H..veea!ns right fotrose,gnihth?trotahgluv,raacexytlaswtn'otsyaIImaensuppose?.I

Ang. Not vulgar? Oh, EDWIN? I can only say I was truly thankful Mamma wasn't there!

Ed. ( wincing ). Now, don't, ANGELINA it's quite awful enough as it is. What beats me is how on earth I came to do .llati

Ang. ifIhadhadthemnieddosmcuhreweikleaelitsaeduoy,EDWIN,Yousee'ntahevIwuodl tha . t

Ed. looikgneboferarimacesideousgla-g?sseaveodHANGIns.kieL!oGhttafoitabhngkimaIma,Ehehtni DoyousupposeIamgiventoover-indulgenceincod-ilveroilandwhatevertheotherbeasiltnesswas?AmI acrobaticinmycalmermoments?Didyoueverknowmesing—withorwithoutabroom?'Imashymanby nature ( ipcaetthlyal ), more shy than you think ulhosIn,ioitndtsalehtebdaps,—and,perhroamlocinymn persontopranceaboutinagauzeskirtfortheamusementofacoupleofhundredidiots?Idont'beileveIdid, either! Ang. ( yitsiterncvesnedibdeihyimpress )Bu.!emittouabeethlalhwtaenwwreyuousatyooukidy Ed. .siremseMlanrefnedcianfIanthmomsierhtnisisuIosppthee'erw—le,lhnagti,htso,then.NowguohtI There,it'snousetalkingabouitt—i'tsdone.You—youwon'tmindshakinghandsbeforeIgo,willyou?Justfor thelastitme? Ang. ( alarmed ). Why—where are you going? Ed. ( desperate ). Anywhere—go out and start on a ranche , or something, or join the Colonial Police force. Anything'sbetterthanstayingonhereafterthestupendousass'Ivemadeofmyself! Ang. But—but, EDWIN, I daresay nobody noticed it much. Ed. hvaumtsneaeebgtordin,Iyouejbosuo.tcyttrepcupinscooccA Ang. temosroetarede'tondIo,—nnghioy,esu—seYylnoesartayIe,d—Iyltihkneh'ydnoeaconfyouwer meanthat—bu,tafteral,lindeedyoudidnt'makesuch very awful faces. I—I liked some of them! Ed. i ( ncredulously tuB.)diasuoyyhathedyountedht—unaehonetdan,ilmesoeth,stluasrehtdnalet-bal dancing.Noi,'tsnouse,ANGELINA,Icanseeyoull'nevergetoverthis.tI'sbettertopartandhavedonewith i !t Ang. ( tearylrudlagargctin I—Indidtsil.neitqualem'tneajsutonlIasdiedthingw.Imix.ItsupwasbutOh,). reallywhiskeyhegaveyou,onlyhe said wuodl'ntrdnikffin,andsoyoutiarapsaw,itdanuyo did sing, but it was only about some place where an old horse died, and it was somebody else who had the broom! And you didnt'dancenearlysomuchastheothers,and—andwhateveryoudid,youwereneverintheleastirdiculous. ( yltsenraE ). You weren't, lyreal , EDWIN! Ed. ( relieved u,oy,erehkool,yhWowknuyolalrfoeaxggrevaeebnelittle.atinga.llhtI)eW.muuhstghouyot mayhavebeenmistakingsomebodyelseformealltheitme—don'tyousee? Ang. bevahItI!neeow—hseurdpitus,hwYsefoc,yoIdsurenow.id,—ImaImlatsolikenoeevyrawsosem you—notyouatal!l Ed. ( sertfenlyul nsg,hhiiottkneolritflglhraifawollefaev—itoghatA,tELINAGNas,ysutImW).l,el Ang. i,sey—seYrnolfosaltwasostaw,gihtnimefFo.ilsolyDE,,NIWvigremeplease! Ed.  ( vedestillaggir ). I know for a fact that I didn't so much as leave my chair, and to say I danced , ANGELINA! Ang. ( eagerly ). But I don't htelilytsceltperfsatyouow,dluocehdiase—hhe,metieolwhdo.Iremembern nothingwithyou,dont'yourecollect?( Aside ) . stairothOhw,m'tseIgn!leil Ed. ( with recovered dignity ll,ANGELINA,I'tcp—reeftcyl.eWIseurcoleolecronmtfO.) annoyed , of course, darling; but another time, you should really try to observe more closely what is done and who does it—before making all this fuss about nothing. Ang. debmseemiresdagain,EDWIN—nottuBouyonwg'tanotretfa?sih [pg28]1 Ed. aImerbsd,veatwhoItuformnom.eBeffectlightestlaawsIia,dsyshasnithes'ttyo,llWeae,seu perfectlysatisfiedthatthewholethingisafraud.Allthoseotherfellowswereobviouslyaccomplices,orthey'd never have gone through such absurd antics—would they now? Ang. ( meekly otnynghiitsn'sasr'dtee,lNto'noauckolfa,tt.noerso.n)dutBeraTehoamersreaymoit.bout use trying to explain.

[pg28]2

HOW IT'S DONE. ( A Hand-book to Honesty. ) No. VII.—SELLING A HORSE. SCENE I.— .InSalerse-AHodecepxeneir Person, insearch of a cheap but sound animal for business purposes, looking on in a nervous and undecided manner, half tempted to bid for the horse at present underthehamme.rTohimapproachesa grave and closely-shaven personage, in blackgarments,ofcleircalcut,adirty-white ite,andacrushfelthat. CleircalGent lea-bittengreyureninnhtgfta.heTary upprettywel,laretheynot.Sir? Inexperienced Person . Ahem! ye-es, I suppose theyareI.—er—washalfthinkingofbiddingmysel,f butit'sgoingabitbeyondmeI,fea.r C.G. uagelangtheeakopsrit—,tSlpna,ofAh thesehorseyvulgarians—aregularplan!tYouarebetteroutofi,tbelieveme. I.P. In -deed! You don't say so? C.G. ( sighing ). Only too true. Sir. Why—( difnecneohsocfinagu )—look at my own case. Being obliged to leavethecountr,yandgiveupmycarriage,Iputmyhorseintothissale,ata very  low reserve of twenty pounds. ( Entre nous coadanfoleuptcuAeht,reenoilaylarcses-hrows'htroti,eBwteentah.t)tdoubleatleas dealers—whoIfoundou,tbypureaccident,wantedmyanimalparitcularly for a match pair —the sale of my horse is what they call "bunnicked up." Then cometotheyoffremm,eadnsItpomoey.ne,emdnaiehtagr am so indignant that I'll have nothing to do with them, at any price. Wouldn't sell dear old Bogey , whom my wifeandchlidrenaresofondo,ftosuchbrutalblackguards,on any itno.oNnoisedarcsahseorhhetr,Si, donemegoodservice—asoundernagneverwalkedonfourhoofs;andI'drathersellittoagood,kind master, for twenty pounds, aye, or even eighteen, than let these rascals have it, though they have run up as high as thirty q——, ahem! guineas. .I P. Have they indeed, now? And what have you done with the horse? C.G. olcbesS,y.rid,AnnlusescaIuPtitintolivery'I,evoJekatllkacbitn,aiagdnanifdamgooforsterbyit, and ievigtyawatiefraond . Perhaps, Sir, you'd like to have a look at the animal. The stables are only in the nextstreet,and—asafirend,andwithnoeyetobusiness—Ishouldbepleasedtoshowpoor Bogey  to anyonesosympatheticasyoursefl. [ ,faetr.I.Psyeevorehmi".ndagoohinru",erutantseergaaftofdlyrienfruosemcahhtre SCENE II.— desifoseayedecors'rdraytaGreengw-rastdanmiy,lserteytshabbaseinhous bestrewn.Yardispavedwithlumpy,irregularcobbles,andsomesootyandshakyl-ooking sheds stand at the bottom thereof. Enter together , Clerical Gent and nIneirepxersPedce.on C.G. ( ilgnsimolegaopllytica ). Not exactly palatial premises for an animal used to my -inm-haatiWkcsatlbse the-Wold!ButIknowthesepeople,Sir;theyarekindasChirstians,andashonestastheday.Hoy!TOM! TOM!! TOM!!! Are you there, TOM? [ mthFroedeeshybolalervthwiasegremmsyrevdahair,anyshort verylonglivery,severalsizestoolargeforhim,thetailofthebrass-buttonedcoatandthebottomsofthe baggy trousers alike sweeping the cobbles as he shambles forward (.].G.C negllaiy . ) Ah, there you are, TOM, my lad. Bring out dear old Bogey , and show it to my friend here. [ Boy leads out a rusty roan Rosinante,highinbone,andlowinflesh,withprominenthocks,andsplayhoofs,whichstumblegingelry over the cobbles. ] ( .yleectionatorseaffgntehhPtait ) Ah, poor old Bogey , he doesn't like these lumpy stones, doeshe?Notusedtothem,Si.rMystable-yardatWickhami-n-the-Wold,isassmoothlypavedas—asthe Alhambra,Si.rIalways consider my animals, Sir. A merciful man is merciful to his beast, as the good book says. But isn't he a Beauty? .I P. Wea—ll!meh-ey—;sehelooksakind,gnelt,esetdayfortsotueacra—tuB.erhw—!mehatheat'stermat with his knees? C.G. hingatSir,nottoihgn,O,hnotghetashayibah.llalnO along of kind treatment . Like us when we "stand atease,"youknow,abitbaggy,tha'tsal.lYoushouldseehimatferatwentymliesspinalongourWickham roads,whenmywifeandIaredoingaroundofvisitsamongtheneighbouirnggentry.Ah, Bogey, Bogey , old boy— kissing his nose andthegirlswiwowahtrM.sG.I—n'dokntfou—ithydwietrapev'Iraeheythnhewaysll I do, if I do. Enter two horsey-looking Men as though in search of something. First Horsey Man 'okaehTriytPuodnsforthathorsekool,lra,ere'gouyoettogin,hh.AyouereWelare. yourn? Yes or No! C.G. ( turning upon them with dignity ). No tihampestmo;ir,Syllac No! timotev'IbeforeIoldyoutesllhwlilon you at any use—deovoagseshetncoitrpvHae.le at once , I'm engaged with my friend here. [ spdeywalyntdeoneMyesroanrutnshay,alookbby-etr.nEeilduhrrginH Groom. Groom rehtehwwonkotsntwaphidsorLhisakelltyou'ehk,er,hOool.ma?eHsis'yrenr—er—wotMister—e offerofThirty-fivePounds— or itnoylnesahpptojestuGineas—forthatr.naoeHluowt'ndffoaermus,ch match— C.G. ( with great decisiveness oletunabelynfI).Lordshipormhisyocpmil,iwhtmthareIntmets,eebritntergot entertain his proposition. Groom . Oh, very .HeselfyerpsosdihLrohsietlldantouptessttejuBd'.ulolyewhsiwIcoeerrnnuorhtdjs'tse atthe'otelentrance,aflickingofhisboots,asirirtatedasablue-bottlecaughtinacowcumberframe. C.G. Oh, certainly , with pleasure. ( To aepsdnatuopettoktnojsuiS,rem,lls,I'mentemofoy'ullecxsueI.P.)I his Lordship. [ ofllwodexEti,by Groom. Horsey Person ( making a rush at  I.P. as soon as  C.G. has disappeared, speaking in a breathless hurry ). Nowlookyehere,guv'nor—sharp'stheword!Hel'lbebackinarfaij.ff You buy that 'oss! Hwoeitot'ntesll us , busti'm;butyou'vegoti'minastring,you'ave.Hel'lsellitto you  for eighteen quid—p'raps sixteen. Buy  it, Sir,buyit!We'llbeoutside,bythepubatthecorne,rmypalandme,and—( producing notes atekit—)ewl'loff you agen for thirty pounds ta,to'chegnddlanateWwec.ahnr,weklerertiitpnacuoydna,odpudan,uspel' ten quid in your own pocket too as easy as be blowed. Ah! here he is! Mum's the word! Round the corner by the pub! [ edly.uexEirruhtn Clerical Gent ( blandly ). Ah! th'sat tI,bungryasaek.aTifmrawsetsedtlhsdrwpiiH.oLs Bogey back to the stable, TOM— unless , of course— l ( yltntaookingsignifica xenIirepceenPedonrs). InexpeirencedPerson ( hesitating a—dn!mehmtia,eulwosudnialma—ifyou).I,lleWstonm'tbueurhetatwh care to trust it to me— CleircalGent  ( joyously ). Trust it to you defie.nceaDolriw,ehtyrevnocduserlpaetih,yw?WhSir, Bogey ! Hel'lbehappywithsuchamaster—ah,anddohimservicetoo.Itellyou,Sir,thathorse,toaquiet, consideratesorto'gentilkeyoursefl,whowantsto work wisthoroit,utdnuo,rofpythisanimotwaerla,ont everypennyoift—andcheapatthepirce! .I P. Thanks! And—ah—what is hteifuger? C.G. on—nad,ihss—!tteixenWhy—ah—eightee to you .tituobaremoonayasn,d I[nexpeirencedPerson closes with the offer, hands notes to lacineGrelCt( who, under pressure ofbusiness,huriresoff ) , takes  Bogey -ladroomads,leergmhtgngniinyltrof—mihhtiwfiducif —outintothestree,tsearchesvainlyforthetwohorseyMen,who,ilke"hisLordship,"have utterlyandfinallydisappeared,andifndshimselfleftaloneinabye-thoroughfarewitha "horse,"whichhecannotgetalonganyho,wandwhichheispresenltygladtopartwithtoa knackerforthirtyshliilngs.

TRIUMPHS OF THE FUNNY MAN. HriedWaiter(ghteiluquesrhandlin.) "PLEASE, SIR,DON'TKAMUALEMEALL'ME"!SHAGH—IPILLLLS

WRITE AND WRONG.

As so many private letters are sold at public sales nowadays, it has become necessary to consider the purport of every epistle regarded, so to speak, from a post-mortem point of view. If a public man expresses a conifdentialopinioninthefulnessofhishearttoanintimatefriend,orproposesanactofchairtytoa cherishedrelative,hemayrestassuredtha,tsoonerorlater,bothcommunicaitonswllibepublishedtoan unsympatheitcandautograph-hunitngwolrd.Underthesecircumstancesitmaybewelltoanswerthe simplestcommunicaitonsinthemostguardedmannerpossible.Forinstance,areplytoatenderof hospitality might run as follows:—

PrivateandConfidential.Notnegoitable.

M.rDASHBLANKhasmuchpleasureinacceptingMr.BLANKDASH'sinvitaitontodinneronthe8thinst.

N.B.—ThisletteristhepropertyotfheWirte.rNotforpublicaiton.Allirghtsreserved.

O,rifthewriterfeelsthathisletter,ifitgetsintothehandsoftheexecutors,wllibesold,hemustadoptanother plan.tIwlilbethenhisobjecttosomixupabuseofthepossiblevendorswithordinarymatte,rthatthey(the possiblevendors)mayshrink,afterthedeathoftherecipien,tfrommakingtheirowncondemnationpublic. Thefollowingmayserveasamodelforacommunicaitonofthischaracte.rThewordspirntedinitailcsinthe body of the letter are the antidotal abuse introduced to prevent a posthumous sale by possible executors.

PirvateandConfidenital.Nottobepubilshed.Signatureaforgery.

DEAROLDMAN,—Inealrycompletedmybook. Your nephew , TOM LESLEIGH, is an ass. My