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240 pages
Fifteen-year-old Pam is assaulted when she and her twin brother, Danny, are walking home through the woods. Danny is frozen with fear and does nothing; luckily, Pam is rescued by a woman out walking her dog. Pam deals with the trauma by isolating herself while Danny struggles with the shame of not protecting his sister. His shame is compounded by their father's contempt, and Danny decides to redeem himself by finding Pam's attacker. In the process, he discovers a family secret, and Pam connects with new friends who help her regain her confidence.
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B E C K Y C I T R A If Only IfOnly
IfOnly
B E C K Y C I T R A
Text copyright ©2013Becky Citra All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system now known or to be invented, without permission in writing from the publisher.
Library and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publication
Citra, Becky If only [electronic resource] / Becky Citra.
Electronic monograph. Issued also in print format. isbn 9781459802872 (pdf).isbn 9781459802889 (epub)
I. Title. ps8555.i87i46 2013jc813’.54 c20139018816
First published in the United States,2013Library of Congress Control Number:2013935390
Summary: : Fifteenyearold twins, Pam and Danny, deal with the aftermath of a vicious assault.
Orca Book Publishers gratefully acknowledges the support for its publishing programs provided by the following agencies: the Government of Canada through the Canada Book Fund and the Canada Council for the Arts, and the Province of British Columbia through the BC Arts Council and the Book Publishing Tax Credit. Cover design by Teresa Bubela Cover artwork by Aaron Bihari
orca book publishers po Box 5626,Stn. B Victoria,bc Canadav8r 6s4
orca book publishers po Box 468 Custer,wa usa 982400468
www.orcabook.com
161514134321
To my twin sister, Janet
Danny
“Dad’s goîng o kî you î e inds ou,” Danny says. Hîs wîn sîser, Pam, wîgges er arms ou o er jacke and wads î îno a ba. Se sufs î a e end o e sea în e boo and pîcks up a bue spors bag rom e abe. “Wo cares? Besîdes, Danny, wo’s goîng o e îm? You?” Danny srugs. He sîdes ono e opposîe sea. Pam îs jus sayîng a o bug îm. Se knows e wî never e. he woe îdea îs supîd. Pam ooks perecy ine în er jeans and sweaer. He doesn’ undersand wa er probem îs. Bu a e says îs, “I’ order or you wîe you’re cangîng. Wa do you wan?” “A cocoae mîksake,” Pam says.
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hen se îs gone, e door o e women’s wasroom swîngîng su beînd er. Se akes ages. Danny orders rîes and a Coke or îmse and e cocoae mîksake or Pam. Wîe e waîs or e order, e peers roug e seamy, raîn-sreaked wîndow, wacîng or Hug. You can coun on Hug o be ae. He’ come lyîng în wî some excuse abou a e cores e ad o do. Danny as saved up îs aowance or weeks, and e îsn’ goîng o mîssPlanet of tHe Apes. hîs îs îs as week. I’s hursday, and scoo îs cosed or e day because o a probem wî e pumbîng. He draîns îs Coke. Tey don’ ave a o o îme, and Pam aways akes orever o drînk a mîksake, compaînîng a drînkîng î as gîves er an îce-cream eadace. he bus a wî ake em downown îs e number ity-wo, and ere îs one due în en mînues. ha wî ge em o e movîe eaer iteen mînues beore e maînee begîns. Danny rowns. Pam beer urry.And were îs Hug? A mînue aer, Hug burss îno e caé, usîng a corner o îs sîr o wîpe raîndrops of îs round, wîre-rîmmed gasses. He punks down opposîe Danny and grabs a ry. “Sorry, Danny. Had o ep my dad cean up e garage.”
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He eps îmse o anoer ry, and Danny grumbes, “Buy your own.” Wa îs Pamdoing? Danny’s eyes lîcker o e was-room door. A woman wî a odder comes ou, oowed by Pam. Danny’s somac drops. Pam îs wearîng a îme-green mînîskîr and a back bouse. Her jeans spî ou o e op o e spors bag, wîc se îs uggîng o er ces. Even across e room, Danny can see a se as pu on makeup—a wobby îne o pînk îpsîck, mascara and bue suf around er eyes. “Hoy cow,” Hug says. Pam sumbes up o e abe. Se as canged er runners or a paîr o wîe sandas wî ees. “Ta-da!”se says. “Wa do you înk?” Danny înks a se doesn’ ook îke îs wîn sîser anymore. he rea Pam, wî er narrow recked ace a îs a perec mac o îs, as dîsappeared under e îpsîck and bue eye sadow. “We?” Pam says. “You’ ave o ge your mîksake o go. he bus îs goîng o be ere any second.” Danny sands up. “Le’s go.”
pam sits byerse on e bus, ree rows aead o Hug and Danny. Her ong brown aîr, sparkîng wî raîndrops,
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angs over e back o e sea. Pam’s aîr îs amos ong enoug or er o sî on. “Were dîd se ge e coes?” Hug says. “Sacey en em o er,” Danny says. “he soes are ers oug. Se boug em a a rît sore.” He doesn’ wan o ak abou î. Sacey îs e eader o a group o gîrs wo mosy wear mînîskîrs and isne sockîngs and ake up one woe abe în e scoo cae-erîa, akîng în oud voîces abou a e parîes ey go o. Danny as waced Pam e as mon—a e edge o e group, no reay în and no reay ou. And en suddeny Sacey noîced er, savîng a sea or er a unc and now endîng er ese supîd coes. “Your dad wî kî er,” Hug says. Hug îs araîd o Danny’s dad. Danny as od îm a ew îngs a Hug saîd made e back o îs neck prîcke. Danny woud ave aken em back, bu î was oo ae. “He won’ ind ou,” Danny says.
the rain hassopped by e îme e movîe îs over. Hug’s moer pîcks Hug up în ron o e eaer o ake îm o a denîs appoînmen. Se waves roug e car wîndow and beeps e orn ree îmes as se pus away rom e curb. Danny waves back and en peers
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I F O N L Y
up e sree or e bus. Pam îs sîverîng besîde îm,er bare arms and egs prîcked wî goose bumps. “Wy don’ you pu your jacke on?” e says. “I’m no cod,” Pam says. Danny grîns. “Yea, rîg. You jus wan everyone o see your coo coes.” “So wa î I do?” Pam gances down a e green mînîskîr. “I’m îred o ookîng îke a dork jus because Dad’s go a probem. Jus or once I wan o ook good.” he bus îs crowded, and Danny as o sand. Wen ey ge of în ron o e caé, Pam says, “I’m no goîng o cange ye. I’m goîng o waî unî we ge ome.” Danny sares a îs sîser. “Are you crazy?” “I ave o gîve ese coes back o Sacey omorrow,” Pam says. “I jus wan o wear em a bî onger. I’ cange în eJolly Roger.” heJolly Rogerîs e name Pam gave o e ree or a e boom o eîr backyard. Danny dîscovered î as Juy, e irs nîg ey moved îno e ouse. A irs e oug î was a rea boa perced în e brances o a uge eay ree. I ad a wooden deck and a cabîn wî poroes and a aered lag wî a sku and crossbones angîng rom a mas. Danny and Pam ung ou în e or or e res o e summer, readîng and payîng Monopoy and even
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seepîng ere a ew îmes. Someîmes, wen Danny îes on îs back and ooks ou a poroe a e green eaves and bue sky, e îmagînes a e’s back on îs grandpar-ens’ arm în e Fraser Vaey. hey îved on e arm or ive years, and î was e ony pace a ever e îke ome. Beore a, ey îved în Sudbury, în Onarîo,bu a seems îke a îeîme ago o Danny. Danny înks eJolly Rogerîs e ony good îng abou movîng away rom e arm o a suburb coser o Vancouver. Bu sînce ey sared a e new îg scoo în Sepember, Pam as os îneres în e or. Se rîed o expaîn wy wen Danny compaîned. “Ge wî î, Danny. We’re în gradeten.Pam îs praîng on now abou ow se can cange în e or and Dad wî never know and ow se wîses more an anyîng a se ad er own mînîskîr and ow ere îs nopointîn ryîng o save er money or one because Dad wî never e er wear î. I’s îrrî-aîng. Danny was goîng o ofer o carry er spors bag, bu e canges îs mînd. He waks quîcky, knowîng Pam îs avîng roube keepîng up în er wobby, îg-eeed sandas. He knows e’s beîng mean, bu se îs reay buggîng îm. hey wak or our bocks, eavîng e sores beînd, and en urn beween wo ouses ono an od raîroad rack.
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