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Master and Servant

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In his latest installment for the Olympia Press, Dr. Mundinger-Klow takes a long look at what's going on in BDSM today--Masters, Slaves, Matriarchs, Sample Contracts, everything's right here. With numerous case histories.


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Master and Servant: Contemporary Analysis of the BDSM Subculture
Dr. Garth Mundinger-Klow
This page copyright © 2009 Olympia Press. http://www.olympiapress.com
SLAVE CONFESSIONS
 “I'm 25 and few months ago I decided to leave my husband. We lived in a “normal” way. In this time I met a guy... He's a little bit older than me (44, and lives about 400km away), and he's a master since about 20 years... He shows me the way he lives and the way I like it too. Now I know I like being a submissive. The problem is, we lost each other out of the eyes and sometimes later... I met another guy. We're together since a half year now and I really love him. But... its just a “vanilla"-life. In bed, we have no problems... he's kinda dominant in bed. But not such dominant I would like him to be. In the meantime, this master called me again. And there's a online-game we play together. In this game I'm his slave and the conversation we have is very specific—so, for example, I call him Sir and I'm very respectful to him. And he told me that I have a place in his heart and he would love to make me his real slave... Sometimes, I don't know if he would call me and tell me to come to him... if I would drive to him. So, please don't get me wrong. I really love my bf but I think about this other man. What should I do? I already talked to my bf but he's not the guy to be very dominant. And he has a fear that I leave him onetime, because I could mi ss “something” in our partnership.... he would never tolerate another man (who else ever) on my si de.... So, maybe you can help me in this situation...”  “1) I am owned by Lady Mistress. We are in a long distance relationship, she in East Anglia and me in Lancashire. We meet up from time to time and on those occasions I am very much her slave, totally.  2) When I am at home with my wife I serveheras a slave. Lady Mistress decreed that this should be so. This works very well. So, although LDR I get some of the benefits of 24/7 lifestyle.  3) My Lady wife (as she is addressed) has complete control over disciplinary matters while I am away from LM. Believe me she can be a formidable taskmaster.  4) I am never beaten as a punishment, I do hav e a bit of kink in me, even at my age! The punishment can be psychological in making me feel I have failed in some way. A recited “chapter of faults” is most effective.  5) My Lady (wife ) likes the idea of me being a slave and is only too happy to know someone (i.e. Lady Mistress) is taking me in hand.  So what I am saying is, being married and being owned by another CAN work, but you need to get it right and make sure both parties are happy.”  “I met my last Dom through work... we only found out each others kinks after knowing each other for five years. When I get bored at work, I always have the fantasy of being laid on the conference room table, legs tied upwards with the rope tied over the projector arm, wrists bound together, over my head, rope pulled to table legs and this Dom doing all sorts of imaginable things with me with the help of one of the doctors who is giving my breasts a serious whipping and well its always very enjoyable.”  “My Mistress sometimes uses mental punishments. The one that always stands out the most is the time that she wouldn't hug me or kiss me before I w ent to bed. I remember lying at her feet desperately hoping she would just allow me the smallest of affectionate touches but she didn't. I had to go and sob in the bathroom for a while so as not to disturb my son when I went to bed! I still remember exactly what the punishment was for and it did make me more mindful.  Once a month we go out to a BDSM club and it's something I look forward to so much mostly because it is our only night out together. We often use it as an opportunity to catch up with punishments I have accrued over the past month. This month my Mistress decided that my punishment would be mostly a mental one and chose to give her other partner a beating instead while I had to wait nearby. That one got the tears flowing too. Beatings don't make me cry but these punishments do so they certainly stick in my mind.  “I think mental punishment is worse than physical. Master normally uses physical, but the one that stands out the most is the mental one. we live apart but talk several times everyday on the phone and through text.when i was being very bratty and wouldn't listen to Master, he told me i couldn't call or contact him for 24 hrs. that was my punishment. it was worse than being whipped. i thought bout him the whole time i was being punished. that 24 hrs was the longest time in my life. when i get in trouble now, if asked, i prefer a spanking over no communication. even though we live apart, we see each
other at least once a week. so talking is my lifeline to Master when i'm not with him. i agree that your punishment has already started. thinking bout what can be done and getting all worked up about it is another mental punishment. Master has used this as well. as well as asking what he should do mentally to me.”  “Master has decided since its im in training all punishments but a few will be mental.  so far their are 2 He will use most regularly  1. having me repeat certain phrases like “i don't deserve you Master.”  2. no talking to each other for as long as He sees fit.  so far ive only had to do the first one and it was terrible, ive just started training and it was hard to say things like that to Him, it really made me not want to break any rules ever again.  and i agree. the threat of the punishment was part of it. and i was up all night trying to figure out what He was going to do.”  “I (Luckily) have never had a mental punishment but the worst one that I can think of is my Master not paying any attention to me. Just sitting me in a corner and ignoring me. That would drive me mad. At least with the physical punishments it is some f orm of physical contact, as well as my Master always explains to me that he doesn't want to cause me pain but I have to learn not to do (what ever miss-deed) that again.”  “Mental punishments are horrible. i feel they are much worse than any physical punishment. When I've done something wrong, granted my Master will u se physical punishment from time to time but He most times uses the mental aspect of it. One time that i can remember is that He just wouldn't say anything. Kept quiet and the look in His eyes was enough to make me want to cry. When He finally did say something, though His voice was soft almost tender i knew in an instant that i had not only failed to be pleasing to Him but that i had disappo inted Him. That hurt me worse than i ever thought it could. One of the things about 24/7 M/s relationships is that it means more when He punishes me mentally because i'm a mental creature. Meaning i t hink more with my mind than my own body. Though i react to His teasing me...which He does all the time. When He gets into my head and is able to know exactly how to put me back in my place subserviently well though it hurts to be punished in this way it for me is the ultimate show that He tru ly cares enough to let me know what i have done wrong.”  “ gave up everything, i own nothing, i can go nowhere without permission, speak to no-one with out permission. i am nothing but property. i thought that was total surrender... i wake no later than 4 am to start my day and have things ready before waking MacCain with coffee and breakfast...continue on all day, every minute at his disposal... only to drop into sleep when there is nothing more he could want from me. i don't get days off—or the option to leave because its not fun. i know i can't be the only one.  Granted this was possible because i trusted him with every bit of me before he ever locked a collar on my neck. i knew him and respected him for 15 years prior to him approaching me, but he already knew me... and knew this would be a life i could handle.  i have completely surrendered — i think there are a few others here still that have as well. i can't be the only one left.”  “I gave up my share of the house I built Note the “I.” This isn't a careless use of the pronoun. I approached the bank, I got the estimates for materi als, I designed the house, I drew up a basic footprint to take to the building inspectors, I hired sub-contractors, was instrumental in running the electrical spaghetti, did everything that way other than the breaker box and hooking up to the main line. I contracted out for the plumbing and furnace, the well and septic diggers, and on. Lot's of ego there, hey?  I had put my heart into that house, but when William put his collar around my neck—though I lived there until I graduated from uni as was stipu lated I could do in my divorce contract—I walked away from any ownership of it. It wasn't as important in my life as he was.  William didn't want me to be tied to my past i n any way. I had a beautiful couch, among other things, that I left because even though he didn't have a lot, William didn't care to have what he didn't buy. I went to him with what clothes I had—which in reality had been bought for the year or so prior
with his money, so in actuality the clothes on my back were supplied by him. I totaled my car, and he decided I was better off without it anyway and it wasn't to be replaced.  The sum of what I brought to him were a few la mps and odds and ends—which are his now (Edited to add: things bought after my divorce). I don't want anything. I don't need more than what he has supplied me with.  I have never cared about jewelry or clung to possessions. When I came to William, I came with the sum of who I am, and the possibilities of who I could become with him.  I've given him everything of myself that it's been in my power to give, and am sometimes left feeling as though it's somehow not enough. I can give more, I know I can—but he hasn't let me know what more he wants. I am not perfectly surrendered. I don't know if I can ever be, but I don't think I will ever give up trying.  As p states, the physical side of surrender isn't easy. I get rocked back on my heels with remorse at times when I balked at getting up in the dark of the morning before he came home from work, to shovel snow so he wouldn't have to. I feel so bad o n those mornings I didn't make it up. I am not perfect; not even close. But each failure makes it easier to work harder.  Assuming that your question was for yourself and not a general question in order to get dialogue going:  My question back to the OP is this—are you desirous of accepting total surrender? Oh it's not an easy thing, to assume that mantel. Because, in my not always so humble opinion, to expect total surrender requires that you be as bonded to your slave as she is to you. That bond may be deeper than your love for your wife (and I understand you care for her a great deal). If you hold back from your slave, even a fraction—she/he will sense that and hold back from you.*  I had to wait so long to find someone who wasn't intimidated by the strength of my needs, who could deal with my passions and kinks, whowantedme to plumb the depth of surrender that I could reach. Who wouldn't be afraid of me.  Barbara”  “I've been searching for a Master for two years. Maybe that's not a long time but to me it seems like forever. At first I had a detailed picture in my mind of what my Master would be like: Arabic, not too muscular but not too skinny or fat, a big uncut cock, around 23-35 years old, have a nice place for us to play, a man with strong values, a man tha t is not afraid of punishing me too harshly or hurting me too much, kind and caring. Why arabic? I don't know, I've always had a thing for arabic men. I was in a relationship with one for about a year and it was the best one that I've ever been in. However, since that time, I've abandoned my idealistic Master and am searching for ANY Master. Sometimes I just say to myself that I should forget about it and maybe one day I will meet someone. But at the same time I know that if I want something I have to go get it, I don't know, I'm just really confused. If anybody would care to share anything in the way of finding Masters/Mistresses it would be GREATLY appreciated.Thanks. =). By the way, I'm new here.”  “ I can understand that feeling of wanting to be owned and for the last 9 or 10 years i was unowned. At first i too had this ideal image in my head about what my Master should look like, be like and such. But in all honesty its not about tho se things. Its about the quality of character a Master has. As for looking or finding one, well this is mo st certainly the place to look. Though i found quickly that once i stopped looking and searching so hard i ended up with a wonderful Master. He's everything i ever dreamed of and more. i don't know what your thoughts are personally on what a slave/submissive is but for me its that need and desire to please that One Man. No matter His looks, background(though if you have any fears concerning those then by all means check Him out), how much money He has or who He used to own. For me, i had to have a Master that could get inside my head, be able to not only posses my body but to posses everything about me. Up till just recently i was just aimlessly floating around hoping that one day i would find my right One. And now i have.”  “i dated my Master for a long time as He slowl y took more and more control of my life. Little things at first like having me shave my pubes off and remaining “bald” for Him because that is the look He liked for me. Then, He had my navel pierced and told me to grow my hair longer for Him, etc., again as this is what He wanted for me. my bi g “leap of faith” were my nipple piercings and tattoo He wanted for me, but by then i was His!  As time went on my barriers fell and i accepte d His piercings and ownership markings easily
because i WANTED and NEEDED them from Him! Hopefully your Master will earn your trust, just give yourself time. If this is what you want, you will allow yourself to transform from plain “nilla” girl to an owned and happy slave like me.”  “Ds and MS relationships are not necessarily different from vanilla relationships in the sense that trust in your partner does not occur overnight. Muc h like building a house, you start with the foundations, the concrete, then build the walls. Yo u're both still learning what makes the other tick. And hell, you're contemplating whether your Dom is responsible enough to take control over your life, the very life you've worked to protect and achieve. Not a small step.  It took me a while to allow my Owner 'into' my walls, and even longer for me to lower them all together. I'd never been a complete open book in any of my previous relationships, it took a lot of time, effort and gentle coaxing on my Owner's behalf to finally get into my inner world. Once you've opened up a few times, shown your weakness, it does get easier to handle in future. I found the crux for me was that I did not want to show weakness, I was holding on to the little control I had.  However, you'll find your internal enslavement creep in at times, without you even noticing it. If it's anything like my experience, you'll have a “Wo w!” moment one day, when you realizejust how far you have come, how much you have learned, and how much trust you have placed in your Dom. How you react at this time I'm not sure. Some peopl e are overwhelmed, happy, others sometimes panic. But know that your Dominant will be there with you.  Life is a continual learning curve, as soon as you reach your preset 'goalposts' you'll find another set in front of you. Enjoy the challenge. For the day we stop learning, is the day we're six feet under.”  “My first steps into BDSM were fun/strange. J didn't tell me he had previously had a M/s relationship, and even if he had told me, i wouldn't have known what he was talking about.  The one occasion that i remember quite vividly—W/we were just messing around, he pinned me on the floor and started slapping my face quite gently, i laughed, he slapped harder... and so it went—I kept laughing, and eventually burst out crying. i don't know why it happened, because i was really enjoying myself, it could have been that i didn't understand what was happening and why i didn't try to stop it...  But, yes, it can be a hard transition for some, especially if you don't really know what you're letting yourself in for. we're lucky we have these boards t o turn to for advice & to learn from more experienced people than ourselves.”  “i always knew that BDSM existed, but for me i t was a dark and brutal world filled with dark dungeons with flicker candle light where a chained sub cried out from the lash of a whip, leather clad DOMs with their naked sub on leashes, collared women in revealing dresses that were to be used at the whim of any man....pretty much the stuff you find in porn or smut novels; an unattainable fantasy that lingered in the back of my mind...and then i met “Mr. Oliver", and this fantasy became a reality.  i met Mike about 6 years ago, i was an emotional damaged and wildly erratic teenager with a habit of getting myself into trouble, and He was calm and quite, endlessly patient, and His stillness attracted me to Him (not in a sexual way, but more in a brotherly way, a mentoring way). We talked about magicks, we played around with energy, watched Buffy, and all the while He planted seeds deep inside me that one day would bloom...  ...that day was Feb 1st, and shortly thereafter, followed by a brief discussion where He established that i was, in fact, “on His team” i met Mr. Oliver. We helped each other discover the submissive and dominate within ourselves, and more than that, we were able to accept that it was okay to feel this way...we had a long intense 6 months filled with all sorts of new experiences; protocol, positions, duties, IE training (which i was never really outright TOLD he was doing, but i have my sneaking suspicions :P), and He constantly chipped and wore away at the castle walls that i had built up...He did this very efficiently, and it scared the shit out of me.  Pretty soon i was feeling trapped, confined inside parameters that i had THOUGHT i wanted (and have come to understand that i still do...one day. just not Today)...and i did something awful in order to escape. It ended up that even THAT didn't work, so i just bolted....i spent a long and lonely 4 months on my own, and it gave me time to work things out...we both realized that we were trying to form our relationship on someone else's idea of what a M/s relationship SHOULD be about...instead of taking the time to figure out what worked best for US.”  “My agreement to serve John as his slave is sacred and personal, an agreement made between the
two of us. There is no reason for anyone to have to know the dynamic between us. To an outsider, we seem an everyday, albeit very close couple. Personally, my own family would not understand the subtleties of Ms, nor the consensual element. They're a sheltered bunch, and it just wouldn't go down very well. Why worry them unnecessarily? It'd be rather selfish actually, telling them only for the recognition. They'd then panic, wondering how to talk me out of it, which would bridge a gap between us. I love my family, and I don't want to upset them or to be estranged from them. They've all welcomed my Owner into the family, and we'd like to keep it that way. My Owner shares the same views when it comes to his own family.”  William and I don't hide what we are. I wear my collar proudly, and we have other rather subtle rituals for public. But then again he doesn't grab me by the hair and force me to my knees in the middle of his mother's living room. If we're having dinner at his mothers, he has me sit next to him to eat. On a chair, not the floor. Ditto for the resta urant. (We won't count that time at the Cracker Barrel...) Why? Because social pressures being what they are preclude this kind of overt behavior. If he did the hair thing in the living room, his 75 year-old mother would be overly distressed. If we did this as the restaurant, we'd be asked to leave, and probably not welcomed back. Life is strange that way, when one bucks social convention.  Pride has nothing to do with it. It's acknowledging and working within social constructs. I would like to suggest something, if you don't believe this. Go to the busiest street of your next largest city, naked. (Wear shoes and a smile.) A slave should be naked, no? Well, heck. Take your mother along, why not. (She doesn't need to be nakkie for this experiment.) See how accepting those around you are. Watch your mum's face closely in order not to miss her total acceptance of your lifestyle choice. After all, you are proud of the way you live, so why “hide” it?  Yes, I'm exaggerating, but it's to make the point that we don't live in a vacuum. We touch the lives of others all the time, and we have to get along.  I can't tell you how many potential friends I've lost in the past because I simply couldn't pretend to be who I wasn't. I learned through hard experience not to talk about my lifestyle, whatever that may be. That's why we need boards to share and debate issues with other people who see life as we do.  “i don't try to hide the existence of O/our po wer dynamic, W/we're also careful to keep things that belong behind closed doors...well, behind closed do ors. Friends, family, and strangers tend to view O/our relationship as “traditional,” and while few seem to notice or care when i defer to Him or call Him “Sir,” they would certainly be uncomfortable if i were to-as tangie points out-sit on the floor at His feet at any function more formal than a barbecue or family movie night.  W/we tend to be very private anyway, but i see no real purpose or benefit in forcing others to vicariously participate in something they may not understand or even feel comfortable with. For some of us, walking around town with a leash in one hand and a flogger in the other simply isn't an option: the social, financial, and even legal ramifications would be too great.  As to your second question, i don't see how fr iends and family members fall into a distinct category, at least in O/our case. We would have a lot to lose, and really, very little to gain. And given how miserable and confused it would make some of them feel, i believe it would be incredibly selfish of me to insist they “share” that part of my life—they know enough to understand that every decision has to go through Him, and that's good enough for U/us.”  “i found my Mistress from the internet when i was looking for a pro-Domme to serve. After serving Her professionally, She took an interest in me and tried me for 10 months as Her domestic houseslave. Following Her trial, She officially collared me in December 2008.  my advice to anyone who is interested in findi ng an Owner is the following: a) patience, b) honesty, and c) being pro-active (i.e., participate in munches, lifestyle events, etc).”  “I've been relocating my entire adult life. starting when i was 17, i moved out of my dads and went to Chicago (don't worry, it was only about an hour away, lol), moved back home 2 months later...with my first husband in tow. stayed married to him for 12 years during which we must have moved about 10 times, here and there and state to state, always moving home in between.  had a few 'local' flings and then met my second husband online. we talked online and on the phone for about 6 months. my first marriage was abusive and horrible, I've never felt so ugly and unloved, either before or since then. when i met my second husband, he was so charming, he made me feel wanted and pretty (something i NEVER felt with my f irst husband), and he also made me feel needed....turns out that he needed me alright, he needed me to take care of him and everything else
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