Back to the Woods

Hugh Mchugh

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The Project Gutenberg eBook, Back to the Woods, by Hugh McHughThis eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it,give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online atwww.gutenberg.netTitle: Back to the WoodsAuthor: Hugh McHughRelease Date: June 13, 2004 [eBook #12609]Language: English***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BACK TO THE WOODS***E-text prepared by Al HainesBACK TO THE WOODSThe Story of a Fall from GraceBY HUGH McHUGHAUTHOR OF"JOHN HENRY," "DOWN THE LINE WITH JOHN HENRY," "IT'S UP TO YOU," ETC.ILLUSTRATED1902To all the boys in the Hammer Club:—Greetings and gesundheit! Get together now and hit hard—for the Devil loveth aCheerful Knocker.CONTENTS.JOHN HENRY'S LUCKY DAYSJOHN HENRY'S GHOST STORYJOHN HENRY'S BURGLARJOHN HENRY'S COUNTRY COPJOHN HENRY'S TELEGRAMJOHN HENRY'S TWO QUEENSJOHN HENRY'S HAPPY HOMELIST OF ILLUSTRATIONSYours till the last whistle blows, believe me! John HenryClara J.—A Dream of Peaches—Please Pass the CreamUncle Peter—the Original Trust TamerAunt Martha—a Short, Stout Bundle of Good NatureTacks—the Boy DisasterBunch Jefferson—All to the Good and Two to CarryCHAPTER I.JOHN HENRY'S LUCKY DAYS.Seven, come eleven!After promising Clara J. that I would never again light a pipe at the race track, there I stood, one of the busiest puff-puffladdies on the circuit.Well, the truth of the ...

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• Publié par: phowyor
• Publié le: 08 décembre 2010
• Nombre de lectures: 50
• Langue: English

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The Project Gtuneebgre oBko ,ckBao  te thodWob ,suH yM hgguHch

To all the boys in the Hammer Club:—Greetings and gesundheit! Get together now and hit hard—for the Devil loveth a Cheerful Knocker.

BACK TO THE WOODS The Story of a Fall from Grace BY HUGH McHUGH AUTHOR OF "JOHN HENRY," "DOWN THELINEWITH JOHN HENRY," "IT'S UP TO YOU," ETC. ILLUSTRATED 1902

E-text prepared by Al Haines

***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BACK TO THE WOODS***

Title: Back to the Woods Author: Hugh McHugh Release Date: June 13, 2004 [eBook #12609] Language: English

This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.net

CONTENTS.

JOHN HENRY'S LUCKY DAYS

JOHN HENRY'S GHOST STORY

JOHN HENRY'S BURGLAR

JOHN HENRY'S COUNTRY COP

JOHN HENRY'S TELEGRAM

JOHN HENRY'S TWO QUEENS

JOHN HENRY'S HAPPY HOME

LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS

Yours till the last whistle blows, believe me! John Henry

Clara J.—A Dream of Peaches—Please Pass the Cream

Uncle Peter—the Original Trust Tamer

Aunt Martha—a Short, Stout Bundle of Good Nature

Tacks—the Boy Disaster

Bunch Jefferson—All to the Good and Two to Carry

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Oh! but maybe he wasn't the City Boy with the Head in the Suburbs! When I reached home that night I felt like a sock that needs darning. Clara J. had invited Uncle Peter to take dinner with us and he began to give me the nervous look-over as soon as I answered roll call. Uncle Peter is a very stout, old gentleman. When he squeezes into our little flat the walls act like they are bow-legged. Uncle Peter always goes through the folding doors sideways and every time he sits down the man in the flat below kicks because we move the piano so often. Tacks was also present. Tacks is my youthful brother-in-law with a mind like a walking delegate because he's always looking for trouble and when he finds it he passes it up to somebody who doesn't need it. "Evening, John!" gurgled Uncle Peter; "late, aren't you?" "Cars blocked, delayed me," I sighed. "New York will be a nice place when they get it finished, won't it?" chirped Tacks. Just then Aunt Martha squeezed in from a shopping excursion and I went out in the hall while she counted up and dragged out the day's spoils for Clara J. to look at. Aunt Martha is Uncle Peter's wife only she weighs more and breathes oftener. When the two of them visit our bird cage at the same time the janitor has to go out and stand in front of the building with a view to catching it if it falls. That night I waded into all the sporting papers and burned dream pipes till the smoke made me dizzy. The next day I hit the track with three sure-fires and a couple of perhapses. There was nothing to it. All I had to do was to keep my nerve and not get side-tracked and I'd have enough coin to make Andrew Carnegie's check book look like a punched meal ticket. I played them—and when the Angelus was ringing Moses O'Brien and three other Bookbinders were out buying meal tickets with my money. Things went along this way for about a week and I was all to the bad. One evening Clara J. said to me, "John, I looked through your check book to-day and I've had a cold on my chest ever since. At first I thought I had opened the refrigerator by mistake." At last the blow had fallen! I had promised her faithfully before we were married that I'd never play the ponies again and I fell and broke my word. The accident was painful, and I'd be a sad scamp to put her wise at this late day, especially after being fried to a finish. I simply didn't dare confess that my money had gone into a fund to furnish a home for Incurable Bookmakers—what to do? What to do? She had me lashed to the mast. "May I inquire," my wife continued with the breath of winter in her tones, "why it's all going out and nothing coming in? Have you begun so soon to lead a double life?" Mother, call your baby boy back home! If Uncle Peter would only drop in, or Tacks or Aunt Martha or even the janitor! Suddenly it occurred to me: "Dearie," I said, "you have surprised my secret, and now nothing remains but the pleasure of telling you everything." A thaw set in. "As you have stated, not incorrectly, my dear, large bundles of Green Fellows have severed their home ties and tiptoed into the elsewhere," I continued, gradually getting my nerve back. The thermometer continued to go up. "Clara J., on several occasions you have expressed a desire to leave this torn-up city and retire to the woodlands,

haven't you?" I asked. She nodded and the weather grew warmer. "Once you said to me, 'Oh, John, if they'd only take New York off the operating table and give the poor city a chance to get well, how nice it would be!'—didn't you?" Another nod. "Well," I said, backing Munchausen in a corner and dragging his medals away from him, "that's the answer, You for the Burbs! You for the chateau up the track! Henceforth, you for the cage in the country where the daffydowndillys sing in the treetops and buttercups chirp from bough to bough!" "Oh, John!" she exclaimed, faint with delight; "do you really mean you've bought a home in the country? How perfectly lovely! You, dear, dear, old John! And that's what you've been doing with all your money, just to surprise me! Bless your dear good heart! Oh! I'm so glad, and so delighted. Won't it be simply grand?" I could feel the cold, spectral form of Sapphira leaning over my left shoulder, urging me on. "What is it like? How many rooms? Where is it?" she inquired, all in one breath. Where was the blamed thing? What did it look like? How did I know? She could search me. I could feel my ears getting red. Presently I braced and mumbled, "No more details till the castle is completed, then I'll coax you out there and let you revel." "How soon will that be?" she asked, "To-morrow? Yes, John, to-morrow?" "No," I whispered croupily, "in—in about a week. " I wanted time to arrange my earthly affairs. "Oh! lovely!" she said, and kissing me rushed away to break the news to mother. I felt like a rain check after the sun comes out. Suddenly Hope tugged at my heart strings and I remembered that I had a week in which to beat the ponies to a pulp and win out enough coin to buy six Swiss Cheese cottages in the country. Day after day I waded in among the jelly fish at the track but the best I ever got was an $8 win. Eight dollars wouldn't buy a dog house. I was desperate. Every evening I had to sit around and listen while Clara J. told Tacks or Uncle Peter or Aunt Martha or Mother what she intended doing when we moved to the country. They had it all cooked up. Uncle Peter and Aunt Martha were coming to live with us and Tacks would be there to let us live with him. Uncle Peter intended starting a garden truck farm in the back yard and Tacks figured on building a chicken coop somewhere between the front gate and the parlor. Aunt Martha and Clara J. almost came to blows over the question of milking the cow. Aunt Martha insisted that cows are milked by machinery and Clara J. was equally positive that moral suasion is the only means by which a cow can be brought to a show down. In the meantime I was dying every half hour. Finally the day preceding the long-talked of country excursion arrived and I began to figure on the safest and least inexpensive methods of suicide. I went to the track in the afternoon and threw out enough gold dust to paint our country home from cellar to attic—but never a sardine showed. Frostbitten and suffocated by the odor of burning money I crept into a seat in the car and began to plan my finale. Presently an elbow poked me in the ribs and I looked into the smiling face of Bunch Jefferson. "Still piking, eh?" he chuckled; "you wouldn't trail along after Your Uncle Bunch and get next to the candy man, would you? Only $400 to the good to-day. Am I the picker from Picklesburg, son of the old man Pickwick?—well, I guess yes!" Then in that desperate moment I broke down and confessed all to Bunch. I told him how my haughty spirit disdained a tip and how in the pride of my heart I doped the cards myself and fell in the well. I told him of my feverish desire to beat the Bookmakers down through the earth till they yelled for mercy, and I told him of my pitiful dilemma and how I had to build a

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