Caresharing

Marty Richards

Description

Rebalancing the Roles in Caregiving So All Involved Are Supported

"When you care for someone who is dealing with the complexities of aging, illness, or disability, you share intense emotions and form deep bonds. You each have the opportunity to recognize what is most deeply human—and most deeply Divine—in the other. This sense of reciprocal sharing—between the caregiver, care receiver, and with others around you—is the essence of the dance in caresharing."
—from the Prelude

The word caregiver typically suggests someone doing all the giving for a frail, physically or mentally challenged, or aging person who is doing all the receiving. Marty Richards proposes a rebalanced approach of “caresharing.” From this perspective, the “cared for” and the “carer” share a deep sense of connection. Each has strengths and resources. Each can teach the other. Each can share in grief, hope, love and wisdom.

Richards shows you how to move from independent caregiving to interdependent caregiving by engaging the spiritual and emotional aspects of caring for a loved one. Whether you are a daughter or son, a husband or wife, a sibling, long-term partner or good friend, Caresharing offers a multilayered, reciprocal process that will help you keep your spirit—and your loved one's spirit—alive in challenging times.

• Sharing Wisdom: What the Frail Teach the Well
• Sharing Roles: Reinventing Family Roles in Sharing Care
• Sharing “Soul to Soul”: A Special Relationship with People with Dementia
• Sharing Grief: Dealing with the Little Losses and the Big Ones
• Sharing Forgiveness: A Key Spiritual Journey
• Sharing Hope and Heart: An Active Process One Step at a Time

Prelude xi

1 THE DANCE OF SHARING CARE 1
An Invitation to Share Care 1
A New Vision for Sharing Care 2
The Basic Steps of the Caresharing Dance 7
Expanding the Caresharing Network 13
The Body/Mind/Spirit Connection 21
When Things Get Complicated 30

2 SHARING WISDOM: WHAT THE FRAIL TEACH THE WELL 37
Inner Wisdom 37
Clearing the Way 39
Putting Yourself in the Role of a Learner 42
Gaining New Understanding from Stories 51
Receiving Spiritual Strength 54

3 FAMILIES SHARING THE CARE: REINVENTING THE ROLES AND RULES 58
Family Systems 58
Family Roles 60
Family Rules 72
Family Secrets 78

4 SHARING "SOUL TO SOUL": A SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP WITH PEOPLE WITH COGNITIVE LIMITS 83
Facing Difficult Challenges 83
Understanding the Stages of Dementia 84
Building Effective Communication 93
Keeping the Spirit Alive 100
Dealing with Difficult Behaviors 105
Connecting Soul to Soul 107

5 SHARING GRIEF: COPING WITH THE “LARGE” AND THE “LITTLE” LOSSES 118
The Presence of Grief 118
Facing Transitions 119
Facing Losses 120
Dimensions of Grief 127
Grief Responses 138
Coping with Grief 141
Spiritual Dimensions of Grief 147

6 SHARING FORGIVENESS: A KEY SPIRITUAL JOURNEY IN CARESHARING 155
The Importance of Forgiveness 155
The Nature of Forgiveness 158
The Barriers to Forgiveness 160
Relationship Matters 165
Daily Matters 168
Where to Start 172
Spiritual Dimensions of Forgiveness 180
Reconciliation 183

7 SHARING HOPE: AN ACTIVE PROCESS ONE STEP AT A TIME 188
The Importance of Hope in Caresharing 188
Definitions of Hope 190
Four Key Aspects of Hope 193
Keeping Hope Alive 200
An Action Plan for Building on Hope 206

Postlude 223
Suggestions for Further Reading 225
Acknowledgments 227

Sujets

• Vie de famille
• Santé familiale
• Christian counseling

Informations

• Publié par: Turner Publishing Company
• Date de parution: 01 avril 2011
• Nombre de lectures: 0
• EAN13: 9781594734601
• Langue: English

Extrait

A Reciprocal Approach to Caregiving and Care Receiving in the Complexities of Aging, Illness or Disability
CARESHARING
MARTY RICHARDS
To my beloved Aunt Toni,
who died at 102 as I was writing this book.
She indeed has been, and continues to be,
my teacher and the wind beneath my wings.
CONTENTS
Prelude
1 THE DANCE OF SHARING CARE
An Invitation to Share Care
A New Vision for Sharing Care
The Basic Steps of the Caresharing Dance
Expanding the Caresharing Network
The Body/Mind/Spirit Connection
When Things Get Complicated
2 SHARING WISDOM: WHAT THE FRAIL TEACH THE WELL
Inner Wisdom
Clearing the Way
Putting Yourself in the Role of a Learner
Gaining New Understanding from Stories
Receiving Spiritual Strength
3 FAMILIES SHARING THE CARE: REINVENTING THE ROLES AND RULES
Family Systems
Family Roles
Family Rules
Family Secrets
4 SHARING SOUL TO SOUL : A SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP WITH PEOPLE WITH COGNITIVE LIMITS
Facing Difficult Challenges
Understanding the Stages of Dementia
Building Effective Communication
Keeping the Spirit Alive
Dealing with Difficult Behaviors
Connecting Soul to Soul
5 SHARING GRIEF: COPING WITH THE LARGE AND THE LITTLE LOSSES
The Presence of Grief
Facing Transitions
Facing Losses
Dimensions of Grief
Grief Responses
Coping with Grief
Spiritual Dimensions of Grief
6 SHARING FORGIVENESS: A KEY SPIRITUAL JOURNEY IN CARESHARING
The Importance of Forgiveness
The Nature of Forgiveness
The Barriers to Forgiveness
Relationship Matters
Daily Matters
Where to Start
Spiritual Dimensions of Forgiveness
Reconciliation
7 SHARING HOPE: AN ACTIVE PROCESS ONE STEP AT A TIME
The Importance of Hope in Caresharing
Definitions of Hope
Four Key Aspects of Hope
Keeping Hope Alive
An Action Plan for Building on Hope
Postlude
Suggestions for Further Reading
Acknowledgments

About the Author
Copyright
Also Available
About SkyLight Paths
PRELUDE
Most likely you picked up this book because, in one way or another, you are caring for a person who needs assistance, whether it s due to a physical, mental, or emotional concern. As a daughter or son, a husband or wife, a sibling, a long-term partner, or a good friend who is like family, you are on a journey. It is also possible that you are part of an intentional network that has been drawn together as a care team of supportive friends and acquaintances. You may be doing hands-on care or providing it from afar. You might be emotionally, materially, or spiritually supporting someone by carrying out daily tasks, or it may fall on you to be solely responsible.
Whatever your role, you may be seeking support or information. You may feel overloaded, lonely, and isolated. My hope is that Caresharing will open the door to help you feel more connected and empowered. You are not alone, even though it may feel that way at times. Many are on a similar journey, and many more will be following the same path in the future.
In my career as a professional caregiver in social work and gerontology, I have been privileged to work with many families who have taught me a great deal. In long-term care facilities and the community, I have shared their lives and spiritual paths. Even in their struggles and when things seemed bleak, those being cared for and those doing the caring have taught me many lessons. My hope is that you will find their stories helpful as you walk the caregiving path.
In recent years, I, too, have been a family caregiver. I supported a brother in another state who provided support to my 102-and 89-year-old aunts, who resided at home with a caregiver and then in a small nursing home. I helped support my mother-in-law, who lived a few miles from me. My husband and I assisted her, both in her own home and then in a long-term care facility until her death at age 99. From these older saints in my family and work, I have learned much about aging, survival, love, and gratitude-and about nurturing and sustaining people as they age. I hope to share their wisdom with you as well, as you face your own challenges.
There is one other thing you need to know: I was not, and am not, a perfect caregiver. In coming to realize that I do the best I can, I try to forgive myself when I fail. And in so doing, I have experienced how important it is to reach out. Providing care is not a solitary journey, but a relational one.
THE CONCEPT OF CARESHARING
I was first introduced to the concept of caresharing some years ago when I spoke at a Parkinson s caregivers retreat. I heard people who were caring for their partners with Parkinson s disease stress the importance of sharing care between the one giving care and the one receiving care. It struck me that, though they were all partners in marital relationships, the concept holds in all caregiver and care-receiver relationships.
When you care for someone who is dealing with the complexities of aging, illness, or disability, you share intense emotions and form deep bonds. You each have the opportunity to recognize what is most deeply human-and most deeply divine-in the other. You both have a chance to give and receive, to honor and learn from each other. This sense of reciprocal sharing-between the caregiver and the care receiver, and with others around you-is the essence of the dance of caresharing.
THE SPIRITUAL DIMENSION OF CARESHARING
While caregiving is never an easy task, I believe it is always sacred. Throughout this book, I will be examining ways that the spiritual figures in coping and caring. Although spiritual and religious are intimately connected, they are not synonymous. For the purposes of this book, I use the term religion to denote a formalized set of tenets, theology, values, philosophy, and institutional rites and rituals. Religion may include a sense of connection to God, a Higher or Sacred Power, Supreme Being, or Transcendent Power. Religion may encompass the beliefs that provide a compass for a moral life, a faith that is an integral facet of our existence.
The word spiritual , on the other hand, although it may be included as part of religion, has broader connotations. Spirituality may help us ponder questions about life s meaning and purpose, and find guidance in life s difficult choices. The spiritual can offer a larger story context in which to make sense of the world and our experiences. Our stories are connected to others stories and, ultimately, to the stories of the greater universe.
The ways I look at spiritual aspects of sharing care have evolved from my own upbringing and beliefs from a liturgical Lutheran heritage. My professional experiences have been within the Jewish and Christian traditions, so, for the most part, the stories in this book flow from those backgrounds. But I have also come to appreciate spiritual wisdom in beliefs different from my own and honor these perspectives as well.
THE INVITATION TO CARESHARING
As you reflect on the spiritual aspects of sharing care and listen to the stories other people have to tell about their journey, I invite you to consider how you might shift from caregiving to caresharing so you will feel less alone, more connected, and more hopeful.
In the pages ahead we will explore ways that caresharing can be structured to your benefit and, at the same time, preserve the well-being of the person for whom you are caring. I ll teach you a few new moves and steps in the dance of caresharing that may be well worth your time and energy. And, most important, I ll invite you to enter into the dance of a richer, spiritual connection with your care partner.
Because this book is conversational in tone, I have used the word they (and its relatives, their , them , themselves ) as a singular pronoun. In conversation, we might say, No one in their right mind would do that. This phrasing is so natural that we are hardly aware of it. And everyone understands what we mean. Given the alternative of switching back and forth between he and she, they singular is a reasonable way of dealing with the gender issue. An occasional use of he or she is one thing, but in every paragraph and on every page, it becomes far too cumbersome. So I am following a long-established precedent, going back as far as the fourteenth century, of adopting they as a singular pronoun. For those who might disagree with this usage, I would simply quote Jane Austen s line from Persuasion : Everybody has their taste.
1
THE DANCE OF SHARING CARE

AN INVITATION TO SHARE CARE
Caring for someone who is struggling with chronic illness or a disability is difficult. If you feel you have to handle every aspect of caregiving by yourself, it is easy to feel quickly overwhelmed. You might believe (and society reinforces this notion) that you are totally on your own. Yet no one lives in a vacuum or is completely self-reliant. The reality is, throughout our lives, each of us has to depend on others; it s not possible to survive totally by our own skills and wit.
Yet I have seen many caregivers who believed the myth of independence until the circumstances of caregiving totally pressed them to the wall. They thought they could handle the daily ups and downs, but they found themselves disintegrating emotionally and spiritually-sometimes even physically-before they faced up to their need for assistance. It was only when they realized they could not manage everything on their own that they were finally able to explore a broader meaning of independence. Caregiving turned out to be a disguised blessing. In their vulnerability, they were enabled to reach out to others and discover inter dependence.
If you re like most people, you probably have some ambivalence about the idea of interdependence. It s not hard to say that you need and want other people in good times, to share the joys of graduations, weddings, births of children, new jobs, and so forth. But acknowledging that you need someone s help because your loved one is d