In the Best Interest of the Child

Laurie Elizabeth Murphy,, Nadir Psy.D. Baksh

Description

This book is a manual for parents who are divorcing. Written by a licensed clinical forensic psychologist and a Ph.D.nurse/counselor its purpose is to help parents save their children unnecessary anguish throughout the divorce process.

The advice and direction contained here are eminently practical-detailing what adults can expect from a custody battle; what they will encounter in themselves and in their children (emotionally, physically, mentally) during divorce; helping parents to make sense out of their children's questions; offering guidance in making decisions for themselves and their kids; and explaining the ultimate importance of putting the child's needs first.

What makes this book different and invaluable is that the authors refuse to take a sugar-coated or willy-nilly approach. They have witnessed, firsthand, too much pain an suffering in families during divorce to hold back their strong, direct words and warnings. "We are not afraid to take a stand," they declare up front. "In fact, we believe it is our duty to underscore the needs of your children so they don't get lost or disappear underneath legal paperwork." While they fully understand that adults do not set out to cause damage to their children, they also know that any divorce, if not handled properly, will absolutely cause serious problems to children. Such "proper handling" must include a strategically-planned blueprint that maps out a child's need for emotional health and well-being. In The Best Interest Of The Child guides the divorcing adults in the drafting of such a blueprint. Without it, they plead, "your children's lives will quickly stagnate or suffocate in the mire and muck created by spousal mud-slinging and attorney-posturing."

The tone of the book, while uncompromising, also generates strong credibility for the author's words, and easily inspires confidence in their readers. Years of experience as therapists and family counselors allow the authors to present their material with authority, sanity and genuine wisdom.

Topics covered include: what to expect when you are divorcing; the stress and fear that children take on; the need for extra vigilance and care toward children; softening or preventing the custody "battle"; the hidden needs of children; and dealing with an uncooperative spouse.

Sujets

• Santé et bien-être
• Développement personnel
• Vie de famille
• Relations familiales
• développement personnel
• Personal Growth
• Self-help
• Famille

Informations

• Publié par: eBookIt.com
• Date de parution: 21 février 2013
• Nombre de lectures: 0
• EAN13: 9781456602345
• Langue: English

Extrait

In the Best Interest of the Child
A Manual for Divorcing Parents
By Nadir Baksh, Psy.D.
and Laurie Murphy, Ph.D.
 
 
Smashwords Edition Copyright ©2011 by NadirBaksh and Laurie Murphy
 
All rights reserved. No part of this book maybe reproduced in any manner without written permission from thepublisher, except in the case of quotes used in critical articlesand reviews.
Cover design: Zachary Parker, Kadak Graphics,Prescott, Arizona Interior design and layout: Zachary Parker;[e-mail]
HOHM PRESS
P.O. Box 2501 Prescott, AZ 86302800-381-2700
http://www.hohmpress.com
 
 
 
Additional Praise for
 
In the Best Interest of the Child
 
A long overdue guide to assist parents inminimizing the damage to their children before, during and afterdivorce. Children have only one set of biological parents and thoserelationships need to be preserved and supported. This book shouldbe required reading before commencing divorce proceedings.—GeorgeMcLain, M.D.
 
Tells me now what common sense should have told me back when emotional trauma clouded goodjudgment. This is a parent’s guidebook, especially for those tooclose to see beyond the parents’ issues to value the child.—CaroleBalmer, Former Deputy Mayor and Committeewoman, Holmdel Township,New Jersey
 
Finally, a book with such a wealth ofinformation and advice on such a huge topic relating to divorce,and written in a style that anyone in this situation can relate to.It is a “must read” for all family members involved in a divorce.It is both healing and enlightening!—Robyn Mendez, parent, Stuart,Florida
 
 
 
This book is dedicated to childreneverywhere, who have the right to cotton-candy dreams, and to theirchildhood, placed carefully in their parents’ hands forsafe-keeping .
 
 
 
CONTENTS
 
Acknowledgements
Chapter 1 In the Best Interest of theChild
Chapter 2 How Do I Turn in My Title as anAdult?
Chapter 3 Divorce is Some NastyBusiness
Chapter 4 Deadwood and Other FlotationDevices
Chapter 5 Respect, Discipline and OtherArchaic Concepts
Chapter 6 Do You Know Where Your ChildrenAre?
Chapter 7 One More forDinner
Chapter 8 When Did Childhood Get to Be SoStressful?
Chapter 9 Child Custody Battles and OtherActs of Deception
Chapter 10 Garbage and HeavySuitcases
Chapter 11 A Good Fight Sometimes GoesFifteen Rounds
Chapter 12 Check,Please!
Chapter 13 Conspiring Minds Want toKnow
Chapter 14 So I Have to BeNice?
Chapter 15 Enough,Already
Chapter 16 There is Nothing Funny aboutThis
Chapter 17 Or This
Chapter 18 KidWisdom
Chapter 19 LightReading
Chapter 20 Acceptance and OtherSorrows
Appendix 1 Support Groups &Services
Appendix 2 RecommendedReading
About the Authors
 
 
 
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
 
This book waited in hopeful anticipation thatwe, the authors, would finally hear the cries of the children, thereal victims of divorce. We watched them over the years, taggingalong behind their parents, sitting obediently in our offices,putting on brave faces while their worlds fell apart. Some of them,not yet school-age, seemed older than their years as they tried tocome up with solutions to their parents’ marital problems. Theirparents, good, decent parents who would have laid down their lifefor their kids, were often lost, stuck in the quicksand of theirfailing marriages, blinded by their anger and rage, and unawarethat their children were inadvertently placed on the maritalbattlefields, burdened by invisible scars. They confided in us,careful with their words, still trying to protect their parents ina convoluted way, not wanting to add to their burden. They bravelycame forward year after year to tell us they were not all right;they were unable to sleep, unable to concentrate, unable to ridtheir minds of the worry that accompanies the unknown. Where wouldthey live and with whom? How would they have enough money? Most ofall, would they ever be happy again? These children, in theirinnocent wisdom, set the stage for this book to be written.
One by one they came, one by one they sharedtheir stories, each with a voice that was barely a whisper, but innumbers grew audible, guiding our hands as we penned our book,their pleadings growing louder still as they reached Hohm Press,who marched along with us, in our journey to reach their parentsand remind them of their promise to protect their children.
Many thanks to the Hohm Press team for theirtireless efforts and creativity, and most especially our editor,Regina Sara
Ryan, for sharing our belief that we can allmake a difference, one child at a time.
We thank our families for always being therewith encouragement and enthusiasm as we reached the finish line.Our friends have endured our endless obsessions and fantasies withsmiles and support, secretly thankful, we’re sure, that our projectis completed.
Mostly, we thank Divine Intervention, whoalways places you where you need to be, when you need to be there,and moves you forward even when you feel like standing still.
 
 
 
CHAPTERONE
IN THE BEST INTEREST OF THE CHILD
 
If you are reading this book, your marriageis over. Even if you’re only mulling over the thought of divorce,trying it on for size to see how it fits, your marriage for allpractical purposes is over. Divorce is a life-changing event, butso is the road upon which you are about to embark called singleparenting. This road is unyielding and unforgiving; it is essentialthat you make no errors in parenting during and after your divorceif you want your children to be emotionally healthy.
It is not a random guess that you have beenriding a roller coaster of emotions that has affected not only youbut every member of your household in one way or another. Emotions,in their place, are wonderful, ingenious, and often involuntarywindows into the recesses of our souls, but left to their owndevices they can cause unimaginable damage and chaos. During thedivorce process we will certainly deal with all of your emotions,including anger, sorrow, betrayal and loss, but there is anotheraspect to deal with, one which becomes equally important, thatbeing the business aspect, or those decisions which will ensureyour financial security and carve out the relationship youultimately have with your spouse. We must combine the businessaspect with the emotional aspect of this uncharted territory if weare to steer you away from the path of family dysfunction.
Divorce is not always a time whenintelligence and common sense rule. Regardless of how sensibly youhave behaved in the past, divorce is a time when you may feelsurreal, as if the events that are occurring are happening withoutyour input or control. If you allow your focus to blur into chaosand turmoil, you will do yourself and your children a greatdisservice.
Our belief is simple. Although it may notseem the case at this moment, be assured that you will survive thedivorce regardless of the financial cost and the emotional toll.Your life is already taking on a new shape and will slowly rebuilditself. Often, what initially seems like an ending is really just anew and better beginning. Your children, however, may not be ableto look ahead to that same happy ending. Things will not fall intoplace for them without a strategic plan for how to protect andpreserve their emotional health and well-being. This plan should bedrafted by you and your former spouse. Without it, your children’slives will quickly stagnate or suffocate in the mire and muckcreated by spousal mudslinging and attorney posturing. Our approachand answer to this quagmire is to focus on child-centered needsbased upon their ages, intellect and emotions. In other words,regardless of your immediate needs, their needs come first. If thisstatement offends you, if you are reluctant or resistant toidentifying and addressing your children’s needs primarily andcontinuously, then you are going to have parenting problems.
Let’s face it. Isn’t the health andwell-being of your children what you really want? To enrich theirlives and shelter them from all harm? Of course. Then let’s beclear. Although you didn’t set out to cause them damage, yourdivorce, if not handled properly, will absolutely damage them andcause them anguish. To be clear in our mission to get things rightin your family, we have an obligation to speak to you in directfashion, without the sugarcoated style that many other divorcebooks offer because they don’t want to offend anyone. We are notafraid to take a stand. In fact, we believe it is our duty tounderscore the needs of your children so they don’t get lost ordisappear underneath legal paperwork. From this moment forwardthere will be consequences for every single error in judgment youmake. The directives we suggest will be simple and concise so youcan avoid costly emotional missteps because, frankly, there is noroom for error.
Let’s agree on a few more things. First,please understand that your children cannot function without you.They are not
self-sufficient mini-versions of adults, andthey do not have the intellectual sophistication to actindependently. Regardless of their ages, they need you to beavailable and present, which does not mean just being a physicalbody in a room. It means you must be available to meet their needsand understand the milestones of their development regardless ofthe battles that are raging in your marriage.
You may be struggling, but that is of littleconsequence in comparison to the struggles of your children. Thinkabout it. They have no control over their lives. None whatsoever.Can you imagine how frightening that must be? During the divorceprocess your children are treading water in the pool of youremotions. If you don’t want them to drown, you are going to have totoss them a life ring comprised of your wisdom and experience toguide them through the adjustment period and beyond. Without yourclear knowledge and persistent support, they will become theunfortunate victims of a dysfunctional, splintered family u