The Price of Nice , livre ebook

THE PRICE OF Nice
Why Comfort Keeps Us Stuck -and 4 Actions for Real Change
AMIRA BARGER
The Price of Nice
Copyright 2025 by Amira Barger
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First Edition
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Barger, Amira author
Title: The price of nice : why comfort keeps us stuck-and 4 actions for real change / Amira Barger.
Description: First edition. | Oakland, CA : Berrett-Koehler Publishers, Inc, [2025] | Includes bibliographical references and index.
Identifiers: LCCN 2025018400 (print) | LCCN 2025018401 (ebook) | ISBN 9798890571137 paperback | ISBN 9798890571144 pdf | ISBN 9798890571151 epub
Subjects: LCSH: Organizational change | Business communication | Psychology, Industrial
Classification: LCC HD58.8 .B368 2025 (print) | LCC HD58.8 (ebook) | DDC 658.4/06-dc23/eng/20250717
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2025018400
LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2025018401
2025-1
Book production: Happenstance Type-O-Rama
Cover design: Ashley Ingram
Author photos by Eugeniya Pasterskaya, Door into Summer Photography
Amira is wearing Argent
To nine-year-old Amira-don t worry, babe. You find your nerve again.

To my daughter, Audrey-in you, I see the bold, unapologetic, and transformative force I once feared and now admire, the kind of person the world so desperately needs.

To my partner in life, Jonathan-your unwavering support and steadfast growth alongside me have been an anchor. Thank you for holding space for my voice, for my dreams, and for every step of this journey.

To everyone striving to embrace who they are-uninterrupted-this book is for you.
CONTENTS
Preface
Introduction: What s Wrong with Nice?!
Part I: THINK
1 The Velvet Glove Comes Off
2 Nice by Design
3 Society s Silent Partner
Part II: FEEL
4 Flow or Crash
5 Start a Burn Book!
6 Dancing with the Devil
Part III: DO
7 Status Update: It s Complicated
8 Sweat the Small Stuff
9 Break the Back Row Barrier
Part IV: REVISIT
10 The Circle of Life
Conclusion: Cost Analysis
Notes
Further Reading
Daily Reflection Checklist
Acknowledgments
Index
About the Author
PREFACE
I m an 80s baby, but the 90s raised me. I grew up with parents who maintained discipline through sharp looks, heavy sighs, a raised eyebrow that could stop you mid-sentence, and the occasional swift rebuke to the backside. Nice wasn t a suggestion; it was a nonnegotiable demand.
And, for much of my life, I lived up to it. I was known to many as Precious, Sweet Amira. In fact, my husband s late mother, Pearl, used to enthusiastically address me by that title as if it were my full name. I leaned into the persona, wearing it like a badge of honor. But that existence came with a price.
The problem was, nice never quite fit me. It was an unrelenting tug-of-war between the suffocating expectations of the daughter I was supposed to be and the daughter I truly was-the one who asked questions, wanting to be heard, not just seen. For a long time, it was a trap I couldn t figure out how to free myself from.
Growing up, doing things for the gram didn t exist yet. The one surefire way to showcase that you d just lived your best life on a summer adventure somewhere? Vacation hair. If you know, you know. It screamed, I went somewhere fabulous, and I need you to know it!
My sisters and I had two best friends, blonde-haired, hazel-eyed twins who were fixtures at our house, and we at theirs. The twins would return from vacation every summer, grinning ear to ear, with braided cornrows, beads clacking together, and painfully sunburned scalps. But soon, their cornrows were more like frizzy haystacks, and they d be sitting cross-legged on my mom s bedroom floor, begging her to rebraid them.
Can you braid it like theirs? they would ask, pointing at my sisters and me.
My mom would sigh, shake her head slightly, and get to work. As she d done a thousand times before, she d pull out her comb, part the twins fine blonde hair into sections, and start braiding while they squirmed, winced, and squealed.
Ouch! That s too tight!
Why does it hurt so much?
Does it hurt like this when you get yours done, too?
Is my hair falling out? I think my hair is falling out!
Standing in the doorway, brow furrowed, I watched these girls act like they were being tortured. You know those scenes in cartoons where the character is trying to make a decision, with an angel on one shoulder and a demon on the other, both giving advice? I d spent most of my life trying to choke out that little demon voice. But that day, I was done with the drama. It was too much, and the dark side took over. It felt like an out-of-body experience. As if channeling the wisdom from an ancestral Black auntie, I matter-of-factly blurted out, It s because your hair isn t made for braids!
The room fell silent amidst a collective gasp. My mom froze, hands mid-braid, with an unmistakable look that conveyed all it needed to. I could almost hear her gritted teeth through her Amira, I know you didn t just say that stare. My youngest sister stifled a giggle while the rest looked on with pity, imagining the whooping I d get later.
One of the twins whipped her head around so fast that beads went flying everywhere, her eyes wide, her mouth open, her expression a mixture of shock, hurt, and confusion. But I wasn t done. I crossed my arms, shrugged, and, with all the self-righteous confidence I could muster, said, Well, it s not for you ; that s why your head hurts so much.
Amira! my mom snapped. That s not nice!
The twins just stared at me. I stomped off to the next room to await my fate. My mom sighed, muttered something under her breath, and finished fixing their braids. Even from the other room, I was sure I heard the twins whispering dramatically about how mean I was.
After they went home, my mom pulled me aside and delivered the scolding I knew was coming. Amira, she said, serious mom tone fully activated. You can t just say things like that, even if they re true.
And there it was. The price of nice. A lesson ingrained in many of us as kids: Being nice is more important than being real . No matter how right you are, if it makes someone uncomfortable, you re the problem.
Looking back, I now realize I could ve handled the situation differently. I loved the twins like they were my flesh and blood. Even thirty-plus years later, we re still sisters in every way that matters. If only little Amira had had the proper communication tools at her disposal. For example, I didn t know about concepts like the matching principle, which might have helped me assess the kind of conversation I was in and how to respond accordingly.
Quickly summarized, the matching principle explains that we typically have three types of conversations:
Practical conversations focused on solving problems or making plans
Emotional conversations about sharing feelings and seeking empathy
Social conversations centered on connection and identity 1
That day, I was locked into practical mode (I usually am-September Virgo here!): Do you want to feel better? Your head hurts because braids aren t for you. Stop getting braids. Duh! But the twins were experiencing an emotional conversation. They wanted empathy. And I couldn t fathom how Poor thing, I m sorry! was any type of solution.
I still think I was right-even if I could/should have responded differently. But the lesson of that moment wasn t about my attitude in the face of unwitting cultural appropriation; it was about my conditioning to align with the world s expectations. It was precedent setting, the first knot in a lifetime of lessons I d have to learn to unbraid. Their discomfort wasn t my fault, but knowing that truth isn t enough.
Maybe, like me, you ve been tangled in those lessons, too. Perhaps you ve been taught to swallow honesty to maintain peace. This book isn t here to coddle you or make you feel better. It s here to push you, to remind you of the child who knew the value of truth, and to help you reclaim the part of you that knew what needed to be said and done and wasn t afraid to say or do it-that is, until society coached it out of you.
Let me ask you this: Do you want to feel better, or do you want to be better? Bec