Raising Great Parents

Doone Estey, Beverly Cathcart-Ross, Martin Nash

Description

Raising Great Parents shows parents how to define long-range goals for their family and then reach those goals through LRB -- love, respect, and belief -- creating an atmosphere and a set of principles that together move parenting past power struggles over getting out the door in the morning and into bed at night.

Full of real-life examples, this comprehensive book covers such topics as:

• Your Attitude Makeover: Parenting with Love, Respect, and Belief
• "I Said Turn Off the TV": From Power Plays to Collaboration
• It's Your Default: Why Parents Act the Way They Do
• Ain't Misbehavin': Why Kids Act the Way They Do
• Stop Flogging a Dead Horse: Why Punishment Is Self-Defeating

And the book helps parents dial back competitive expectations for their children -- and themselves -- by learning how to:

• Truly listen to their kids
• Encourage, rather than judge, their kids
• Transcend bribery and threats so they and their children can become a team of collaborators who enjoy one another in the midst of the joys and trials of life as they all grow together

Raising Great Parents includes a before and after parenting self-assessment and numerous exercises focused on specific parenting challenges.

Sujets

• Expectation
• Bad Attitude
• Power play
• Punishment
• Belief
• Parenting
• Behavior
• Believe
• Children
• Family
• Collaboration
• Parent
• Respect
• Love
• Kids

Informations

• Publié par: BPS Books
• Date de parution: 07 janvier 2014
• Nombre de lectures: 1
• EAN13: 9781927483749
• Langue: English

Extrait

MORE PRAISE FOR
Raising Great Parents
“ Raising Great Parents is sure to bring out the best in both parents and children. It helps parents exit from frustrating and harmful power struggles with their kids and enter the realm of love, respect, and cooperation. This book offers a wise map for the parenting journey.”
– SARAH CHANA RADCLIFFE , author of Raise Your Kids Without Raising Your Voice and The Fear Factor
“A giant step beyond reward and punishment, this book’s focus on goal-oriented parenting offers hundreds of specific techniques designed to strengthen, rather than diminish, the formation of qualities that parents need so children can develop their full potential. The authors provide a gift of knowledge developed in three lifetimes of work with parents and children.”
– DR. FRANK WALTON , Psychologist, Columbia, South Carolina, and Faculty Member, International Adlerian Summer Institute
“The program behind this book made more of a difference than I ever could have imagined. The principles are so logical, and my husband and our kids are enthusiastic supporters, too.”
– KATHLEEN TAYLOR , Former President and CEO, Four Seasons Hotels and Resorts
“This book is current with neuroscience, educational theory, leadership principles, positive psychology, and systems thinking and is based on the best of what all of us have always wanted for our children. My own life was transformed when I first found out about how to apply these principles, and this book is a great way to learn and practice them. I love the idea that parents are working themselves out of their job – learning to ‘unparent.’”
– LINDA J. PAGE , Ph.D., President of Adler School of Professional Studies and co-author of Coaching with the Brain in Mind: Foundations for Practice
Doone Estey Beverley Cathcart-Ross Martin Nash, M.D.
Raising Great Parents
How to Become the Parent Your Child Needs You to Be
Copyright © 2014 Parenting Network
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.
Published in 2014 by
BPS Books
Toronto and New York
www.bpsbooks.com
A division of Bastian Publishing Services Ltd.
ISBN 978-1-927483-72-5 (paperback)
ISBN 978-1-927483-73-2 (ePDF)
ISBN 978-1-927483-74-9 (ePUB)
Cataloguing-in-Publication Data available from Library and Archives Canada.
Cover: Gnibel
Text design and typesetting: Casey Hooper
To all parents who seek to bring out the best in their children, their families, and themselves
Contents
Introduction
A Note About the Exercises in This Book
Your Parenting Approach: A Pre-Quiz
1. Create the Right Atmosphere: Parenting for the Long Term
2. Your Attitude Makeover: Parenting with Love, Respect, and Belief
3. “I Said Turn Off the TV”: From Power Plays to Collaboration
4. It’s Your Default: Why Parents Act the Way They Do
5. Ain’t Misbehavin’: Why Kids Act the Way They Do
6. Stop Flogging a Dead Horse: Why Punishment Is Self-Defeating
7. “Give it Your Best Shot”: How Encouragement Strengthens Self-Esteem
8. No More “Great Job”: How Praise Undermines Self-Esteem
9. The Power of “Hmm, Uh-huh, I See”: How to Really Listen to Your Child
10. Bribes and Threats Are Out and Cooperation Is In
11. Give Peace a Chance: Ten Techniques for Defusing Family Power Struggles
12. Your Child Will Test You: Tools for Solving Problems – Together
13. What to Do When: Putting Your Problem-Solving Tools into Practice
Conclusion
Your Parenting Approach: A Post-Quiz
Acknowledgements
Bibliography
Introduction
T he journey that led us to write this book began in each of our homes, with our children. We started out like most parents we know. We wanted the best for our children; we wanted to protect them from making mistakes. As a result, we managed and controlled many details of their lives. We thought that because we knew better, they should listen to us every time their hair was messy, their homework was sloppy, or they left the house minus their coats.
Our kids, however, didn’t appreciate our advice. They balked. Their message was clear: You’re not the boss of me! You can’t make me! They were right. We couldn’t make them get out of the bath, eat their spaghetti, or even turn off the screen, especially if they were hiding it under the covers at bedtime. We couldn’t force them to do anything, and they knew it.
FROM POWER STRUGGLE TO COOPERATION
Matters turned into a power struggle at home, and, as parents, we were frustrated. We thought that we and our families deserved better. Then we discovered a way out. We realized that, to end the stressful conflicts with our kids, we had to start with ourselves. We adopted a different form of parental leadership as it finally dawned on us that our challenge was not to raise great kids but to become great parents. We learned how rare are the children who do not respond well when the adults in their lives take the time to understand what they really want and need. We learned how to encourage our children’s cooperation, respect their choices, and believe that they could manage the outcome. We dropped the command-and-control approach and started working with our children as a team.
Some of the key concepts in this book come from family doctor and psychotherapist Dr. Martin Nash, who has been counseling in Toronto for more than thirty-five years. When his first son turned three and became defiant, Martin didn’t know what to do. Medical school hadn’t trained him to handle the situation, so he and his wife, Georgine, turned to a 1966 book by American psychiatrist and educator Dr. Rudolf Dreikurs, Children: The Challenge . The new ideas they found there changed their life. They realized that children are smarter than we give them credit for; that there are underlying reasons for their behavior; that their actions are confirmations of their personal interpretation of the world.
As they probed Dreikurs’ thinking, the Nashes understood something profound about kids: Love is not enough – children need respect for their own ideas and spirit. This, they realized, required a change in the role of the parent. The job of a parent wasn’t just to govern children but to teach them how to deal with life . The job of parents was to work themselves out of a job.
Martin and Georgine began running study groups for parents who were having trouble with their children. One of those parents was Beverley Cathcart-Ross, and when she saw the impact of these ideas on her children and family, she became passionate about educating parents herself. She pursued the training required, launched Parenting Network in 1989, and created a highly successful series of courses for parents.
In the meantime, Doone Estey had been raising her children and training in parent education in the United States. When she returned to Toronto and completed her Adlerian training, she began running her own parenting courses and became equally dedicated to helping parents.
When Doone and Beverley crossed paths, they decided to join forces, and a new partnership began. As mothers and parent educators, we have expanded Parenting Network to include parenting courses in person, on CDs, on the telephone, and online. We have taken our workshops into schools and to parents in the workplace. For twenty-five years, we have taught tens of thousands of parents how to reduce their stress and inject joy into family life. We have learned from the parents in our classes. They shared their experiences and skills, and helped us develop the tools that form the basis of this book.
A NEW KIND OF LEADERSHIP
Raising Great Parents is about a new kind of leadership in the home. We’re not talking about the top-down leadership model that was the norm a few decades ago. Instead, the leadership we describe here is based on collaboration. We give our children choices appropriate for their age and let them experience the outcome of those choices, provided that the situations are not life-threatening or hurtful to others.
It’s wonderful to see how children respond to these opportunities. As they gain confidence and responsibility for their lives, they’re far more willing to collaborate in and contribute to the home. They’re more fun to be with. As are their parents! Best of all, when parents and children are on the same team, parents get closer to their kids. Take away the advice and orders, and kids tend to open up.
This doesn’t mean we give in to their demands. This is a real problem for many of us parents today. We start out trying to guide our kids and then give up and give in to them. The kids end up ruling the roost, managing and controlling others – including us, their parents. No matter how we feel about it, this pushover parenting style is potentially bad for our children. They may grow up feeling entitled to the favored treatment they received at home and may not learn to respect the needs and wishes of others.
It is still the duty of parents to explain their point of view, draw the line between right and wrong, and prevent their kids from doing dangerous things. And there will be times when we’ll determine that the situation requires our judgment to prevail. But most of the time, experience is a great teacher. C