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Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159, 1920-07-28

43 pages
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Ajouté le : 08 décembre 2010
Lecture(s) : 47
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The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159, July 28th, 1920, by Various This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.net
Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159, July 28th, 1920 Author: Various Release Date: August 29, 2005 [EBook #16619] Language: English Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 *** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
Vol. 159.
July 28th, 1920.
"The public will not stand for increased railway fares," says a contemporary. They have had too much standing at the old prices.
A Mile End man writes toThe Daily Express to say that one of his ducks laid four eggs in one day. It seems about the most sensible thing the bird could have done with them.
As a result of the recent Tube extension, passengers can now travel from the Bank to Ealing in thirty-five minutes. It is further claimed that the route passes under some of the most beautiful scenery in England.
Mersey shipyard workers have made a demand on their employers for five pounds ten shillings a week when not working and seven pounds a week when working. This proposal to discriminate between the men who work and those
who don't is condemned in more advanced trade union circles as savouring dangerously of capitalism.
"One evening at Covent Garden," says M. ABEL HERMANT inLe Temps, "will teach more correct behaviour than six months' lessons from a certified professor of etiquette." Opinion among the smart set is divided as to whether he means Covent Garden Theatre or Covent Garden Market.
The Bolshevists in Petrograd are finding a difficulty in the appointment of a public executioner. This is just the chance for a man who wants a nice steady job.
On looking up our diary we find that the MAD MULLAH is just about due to be killed again. We wonder if anything is being done in the matter.
A German merchant is anxious to get into touch with a big stamp-dealer in this country. Our feeling is that the POSTMASTER-GENERALis the man he wants.
We are asked to deny the rumour that Sir PHILIP SASSOON been appointed has touring manager to the Peace Conference.
A Newbury man has succeeded in breeding pink-coated tame rats. It is said that the Prohibitionists hope to exterminate these, as they did the green ones.
A blunder of thirty million pounds in the estimates for British operations in Russia is revealed in a White Paper. It is expected that the Government will bequeath it to the nation.
Owing to the high cost of material we understand that a certain pill is to-day worth £1 11s.6d.a box.
The Sinn Feiners now threaten to capture one of our new battleships. We sincerely hope that the Government will place a caretaker on board each of our most valuable Dreadnoughts.
A Lanarkshire magistrate the other day doubted whether a miner could remember details of an accident which happened two years ago. It is said that the miner had vivid recollections of the affair as it happened to be the day he was at work.
It is urged that all taxi-cabs should have a cowcatcher in front in case of accidents. We gather that the drivers are quite willing provided they are allowed to charge for anyone they pick up as an "extra."
It is reported that the muzzling order may come into force again in South Wales. We understand that a dog which thoughtlessly attempted to bark in Welsh in the main street of Cardiff was responsible for the belief that rabies had broken out again.
During a brass-band contest a few days ago three members of the winning band were taken ill just after they had finished playing. It was at first feared that they had overblown themselves.
"A true lover of nature is nowadays very hard to find," complains a writer in a Nature journal. Yet we know a golfer who always shouts "Fore!" on slicing a ball into a spinney.
The two African lions which escaped from the Zoo in Portugal have not yet been captured, and were last seen near the border-line of Switzerland. It is thought that they are endeavouring to walk across Europe as a reprisal for the flight across Africa by two Europeans.
The Dublin Trades Council called a one-day strike last week "to secure the release of Mr. JAMESLARKIN was the strike, we understand, that." So successful the United States authorities have decided that the presence of Mr. LARKIN at forthcoming celebrations of a similar character would be quite superfluous.
Speaking to an audience of miners at Morpeth Mr. RAMSAY MACDONALD said he dreamed of a time when the miners would govern the country. Not even the miners, on the other hand, would dream of letting Mr. RAMSAYMACDONALDgovern it.
"Does the Government realise," asks a newspaper correspondent, that as " regards the situation in Ireland we are on the edge of a crater or with a thunderbolt over our heads?" We rather imagine that the Government, like the writer, isn't quite sure which.
Oswestry Guardians have accepted an offer to supply Bibles to tramps. This is the first occasion on which the current belief that the tramp class is nowadays being recruited largely from the ranks of the minor clergy has received formal recognition.
A bricklayer has been summoned for not sending his son to school. It appears that the father, finding his boy could count up to twenty and wishing him to follow his own occupation, thought further schooling unnecessary.
"When the countr reall understands the need of the Government," sa s an
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essayist, "we shall travel far." But not at twopence a mile, thank you.
A CRIMINAL TYPE. To-day I am MAKing aN inno6£vation. as you mayalready have gessed, I am typlng this article myself Zz½lnstead of writing it, The idea is to save time and exvBKpense, also to demonstyap demonBTrike= =damn, to demonstratO that I can type /ust as well as any blessedgirl 1f I give my mInd to iT"" Typlng while you compose is realy extraoraordinarrily easy, though composing whilr you typE is more difficult. I rather think my typing style is going to be different froM my u6sual style, but Idaresay noone will mind that much. looking back i see that we made rather a hash of that awfuul wurd extraorordinnaryk? in the middle of a woRd like thaton N-e gets quite lost? 2hy do I keep putting questionmarks instead of fulstopSI wonder. Now you see i have put a fulllstop instead Of a question mark it nevvvver reins but it pours. the typewriter to me has always been a mustery£? and even now that I have gained a perfect mastery over the machine in gront of me i have npt th3 faintest idea hoW it workss% &or instance why does the thingonthetop the klnd of overhead Wailway arrrangement move along one pace afterr every word; I haVe exam@aaa ined the mechanism from all points of view but there seeems to be noreason atall whyit shouould do t£is . damn that £, it keeps butting in: it is Just lik real life. then there are all kinds oF attractive devisesand levers andbuttons of which is amanvel in itself, and does somethI5g useful without lettin on how it does iT. Forinstance on this machinE which is A mi/et a mijge7 imean a mi/dgt, made of alumium,, and very light sothat you caN CARRY it about on your £olidays (there is that £ again) and typeout your poems onthe Moon immmmediately, and there is onely one lot of keys for capITals and ordinay latters; when you want todoa Capital you press down a special key marked cap i mean CAP with the lefft hand and yo7 press down the letter withthe other, like that abcd, no, ABCDEFG . how jolly that looks . as a mattr of fact th is takes a little gettingintoas all the letters on the keys are printed incapitals so now and then one forgets topress downthe SPecial capit al key. not often, though. on the other hand onceone £as got it down and has written anice nam e in capitals like LLOYdgeORGE IT IS VERY DIFFICULT TO REmemBER TO PUT IT
DOWN AGAIN ANDTHE N YOU GET THIS SORT OF THING WICH SPOILS THE LOOOK OF THE HOLE PAGE . or els insted of preSSing down the key marked CAP onepresses down the key m arked FIG and then insted of LLOYDGEORGE you find that you have written ½½96% :394:3. this is very dissheartening and £t is no wonder that typists are sooften sououred in ther youth. Apart fromthat though the key marked FIG is rather fun, since you can rite such amusing things withit, things like % andand dear old & not to mention = and ¼ and ¾ and!!! i find that inones ordinarry (i never get that word right) cor orresponden£c one doesn't use expressions like @@ and % % % nearly enough. typewriting gives you a new ideaof possibilities of the engli£h language; thE more i look at % the more beautiful it seems to Be: and like the simple flowers of england itis per£aps most beauti£ul when seeen in the masss, Look atit % % % % % % % % % % % % % % % % % % % % % % % % % % % % % % % % % % % % % % % % % % % % % % % % how would thatdo for a BAThrooM wallpaper? it could be produced verery cheaply and itcould be calld the CHER RYdesigN damn, imeant to put all that in capitals. iam afraid this articleis spoilt now but butt bUt curse . But perhaps the most excitingthing a£out this mac£ine is that you can by presssing alittle switch suddenly writein redor green instead of in black; I donvt understanh how £t is done butit is very jollY? busisisness men us e the device a gre t deal wen writing to their membersof PARLIAment, in order to emphasasise the pointin wich the£r in£ustice is worSe than anyone elses in£ustice . wen they come to WE ARE RUINED they burst out into red and wen they come to WE w WOULD remIND YOU tHAT ATtHE LAST E£ECTION yoU UNDERTOOk they burst into GReeN. thei r typists must enjoy doing those letters. with this arrang ment of corse one coul d do allkinds of capital wallpapers. for |nstance wat about a scheme of red £'s and black %'s and gReen &'s? this sort of thing £ % £ % £ % £ % £ % & £ & £ & £ & £ & £ £ % £ % £ % £ % £ % & £ & £ & £ & £ & £ Manya poor man would be glad to £ave that in his parLour ratherthan wat he has got now. of corse, you wont be ab?e to apreciate the fulll bauty of the design since i underst and that the retched paper which is going to print this has no redink and no green inq either; so you must £ust immagine that the £'s are red and the &'s are green. it is extroarordinarry (wat a t erribleword!!!) how backward in MAny waYs these uptodate papers are wwww¼¼¼¼¼¼½=¾ now how did that happen i wond er; i was experimenting with the BACK SPACE key; if that is wat it is for i dont thinq i shall use it again. iI wonder if i am impriving at this½ sometimes i thinq i am and so metimes i thinq iam not . we have not had so many £'s lately but i notice that theere have been one or two misplaced q's & icannot remember to write i in capital s there it goes again.
Of curse the typewriter itself is not wolly giltless ½ike all mac&ines it has amind of it sown and is of like passsions with ourselves. i could put that into greek if only the machine was not so hopelessly MOdern. it 's chief failing is that it cannot write m'sdecently and instead of h it will keep putting that confounded £. a s amatter of fact ithas been doing m's rather better today butthat is only its cusssedussedness and because i have been opening my shoul ders wenever we have come to an m; or should it be A m? who can tell; little peculiuliarities like making indifferent m's are very important & w£en one is bying a typewiter one s£ould make careful enquiries about themc; because it is things of that sort wich so often give criminals away. there is notHing a detective likes so much as a type riter with an idiosxz an idioynq damit an idiotyncrasy . for instance if i commit a murder i s£ould not thinq of writing a litter about it with this of all typewriters becusa because that fool ofa £ would give me away at once I daresay scotland Yard have got specimens of my trypewriting locked up in some pigeonhole allready. if they £avent they ought to; it ought to be part of my dosossier. i thing the place of the hypewriter in ART is inshufficiently apreciated. Modern art i understand is chiefly sumbolical expression and straigt lines. a typwritr can do strait lines with the under lining mark) and there are few more atractive symbols thaN the symbols i have used in this articel; i merely thro out the sugestion I dont tkink i shal do many more articles like this it is tooo much like work? but I am glad I have got out of that £ habit; A.P.£.
"PRISON FOR FLAT LANDLORDS."—Evening Paper. Good. But is nothing going to be done about the landlords with round figures?
"With favourable weather, Thatcham can look forward to a pre-war show this year."—Local Paper. Apparently Thatcham carries its eyes in the back of its head.
Outraged Batsman. "JARGE, OI DO BELIEVE YOU'M BOWLIN'DELIBERATE AT MOI GAMMY LEG." Jarge (feeling that something ought to be said). "WHY, WILLYUM, OI THOUGHT THEY WAS BOTH GAMMY."
"Please, 'm, may I go for my 'olidays a week come Thursday?" asked Elizabeth. She was evidently labouring under some strong excitement, for she panted as she spoke and so far forgot herself in her agitation as to take up the dust in the hall instead of sweeping it under the mat. "But you promised to go on your holiday when we have ours in September," I protested, aghast. (You will shortly understand the reason of my dismay.) "I don't see how I can possibly manage—" "I'm sorry, 'm, but Imust a horrid with 'em then," interposed Elizabeth take giving-notice gleam in her eye which I have learnt to dread. "You see, my young man is 'avin' 'is 'olidays then an'—an'"—she drew up her lank form and a look that was almost human came into her face—"'e's arsked me to go with 'im," she finished with ineffable pride. I am aware that this is not an unusual arrangement amongst engaged couples in the class to which Elizabeth belongs; nevertheless I felt it was the moment for judicious advice, knowing how ephemeral are the love-affairs of Elizabeth. No butterfly that flits from flower to flower could be more elusive than her young men. Our district must swarm with this fickle type. "Do you think it right to go off on a holiday with a stranger?" I began diffidently. "'Im! 'E isn't a stranger," broke in Elizabeth. "'E's my young man."
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"Which young man?" "Mynewyoung man." "But don't you think it would be better if he were not such a new young man—I mean, if he were an old young man—er—perhaps I ought to say you should know him longer before you go away with him. It's not quite the thing—" "Why, wot's wrong with it?" demanded Elizabeth, puzzled. "All the girls I know spends their 'olidays with their young men, an' then it doesn't cost them nothink. That's the best of it. But it's the first time I've ever been arsked," she admitted, "an' I wouldn't lose a charnce like this for anythink." Further appeal was useless, and with a sigh I resigned myself to the inevitable; but when, ten days later, Elizabeth departed in a whirl of enthusiasm and brown paper parcels I turned dejectedly to the loathsome business of housework. It is a form of labour which above all others I detest. Mymétieris to write—one day I even hope to become a great writer. But what I never hope to become is a culinary expert. Should you command your cook to turn out a short story she could not suffer more in the agonies of composition than I do in making a simple Yorkshire pudding. My household now passed into a condition of settled gloom. My nerves began to suffer from the strain, and I came gradually to regard Henry as less of a helpmate and more of a voracious monster demanding meals at too frequent intervals. It made me peevish with him. He too was far from forbearing in this crisis. In fact we were getting disillusioned with each other. One evening I was reflecting bitterly on matters like washing-up when Henry came in. Only a short time before we should have greeted each other cordially in a spirit ofcamaraderie conversation was something and affection. Now our like this:— Henry (gruffly).Hullo, no signs of dinner yet! Do you know the time? Me (snappily).needn't be so impatient. I expect you've gorged yourself onYou a good lunch in town. Anyhow it won't take long to get dinner, as we are having tinned soup and eggs. Henry.Oh, damn eggs. I'm sick of the sight of 'em. You can see for yourself how unrestrained we were getting. The thin veneer of civilisation (thinner than ever when Henry is hungry) was fast wearing into holes. The subsequent meal was eaten in silence. The hay-fever from which I am prone to suffer at all seasons of the year was particularly persistent that evening. A rising irritability engendered by leathery eggs and fostered by Henry's face was taking possession of me. Quite suddenly I discovered that the way he held his knife annoyed me. Further I was maddened by his manner of
taking soup. But I restrained myself. I merely remarked, "You have finished your soup, Ihear, love." Henry, though feeling the strain, had not quite lost his fortitude. My hay-fever was obviously annoying him, but he only commented, "Don't you think you ought to see a doctor about that distressing nasal complaint, my dear?" I knew, however, that he was longing to bark out, "Can't you stop that everlasting sniffing? It's driving me mad, woman." How long would it be before we reached that stage of candour? I was brooding on this when the front-door bell rang. "You go," I said to Henry. "No, you go," he replied. "It looks bad for the man of the house to answer the door." I do not know why it should look bad for a man to answer his own door, unless he is a bad man. But there are some things in our English social system which no one can understand. I rose and went to open the front-door. Then my heart leapt in sudden joy. The light from the hall lamp fell on the lank form of Elizabeth. "You've come back!" I exclaimed. I suppose you didn't expect to see me inside of a week," she remarked. " "I didn't; but oh, Elizabeth, I'm so glad to see you," I said as I drew her in. Tears that strong men weep rose to my eyes, while Henry, at this moment emerging from the study, uttered an ejaculation of joy (it sounded like "Thank God!") at the sight of Elizabeth. "An' 'ow 'ave you got on while I've bin away?" she inquired, eyeing us both  closely. "Did every think go orf orl right?" I hesitated. How was I to confess my failures and muddling in her absence and hope to have authority over her in future? Would she not become still more difficult to manage if she knew how indispensable she was? I continued to hesitate. Then Henry spoke. "We've managed admirably," he said. "Your mistress has been wonderful. Her cooking has absolutely surprised me." I blessed Henry (the devil!) in that moment. "Thank you, dear," I murmured. Then Elizabeth spoke and there was a note of relief in her voice. "Well, I'm reerly glad to 'ear that, as I can go off to-morrer after all. I 'aven't been for my 'oliday yet, like." "What do you mean?" I gasped. "Well, you see, 'm, my young man didn't turn up at the station, so I went and stayed with my sister-in-law at Islington. She wants me to go with 'er to Southend early to-morrer, but I thort as 'ow I'd better come back 'ere first and see if you reerly could manage without me, for I 'ad my doubts. 'Owever, as
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everythink's goin' on orl right I can go with an easy mind." I remained speechless. So did Henry. Elizabeth went out again into the darkness. There was a long pause, broken only by my hay fever. Then Henry spoke. "Can't you stop that everlasting sniffing?" he barked out. "It's driving me mad, woman."
"REQUIREDan English or French resident governess for children from 30 to 45 years old, having notions of music."—Standard (Buenos Ayres). We are glad they have picked up something during their prolonged juvenescence.
[Being specimens of the work of Mr. Punch's newly-established L i t e r a r y Ghost Bureau, which supplies appropriate Press contributions on any subject and over any signature.]