"If the Poms Bat First, Tell the Taxi to Wait" and Other Funny Cricket Quotes

Crombie Catriona

Description

A compilation of cricket commentators' gaffes and good-natured banter amongst players. Quotes to keep cricket lovers amused include nonsensical remarks, unintentional puns, stating the bleeding obvious, sledging, and gentle musings.

Informations

• Publié par: Crombie Jardine Publishing Limited
• Date de parution: 16 juillet 2014
• Nombre de lectures: 0
• EAN13: 9781291951318
• Langue: English

Extrait

INTRODUCTION
 
 
This book is dedicated to cricket lovers all over the world and is a compilation of quotes highlighting the humour, both intentional and unintentional, within the sport.
 
Cricket radio announcers may sound generally laid-back whilst commentating on the sport, but their delivery is an art form. They can have up to eight hours to fill, keeping us both informed and entertained, so it’s no wonder that they come out with the occasional howler or nonsensical remark. These gaffes, as well as good-natured banter amongst the players, on and off the pitch, are what form the basis of this quote collection.
 
NOTE

 
The beauty of e-readers means that a variety of text fonts and type sizes can be selected, according to the reader’s preference. This text has been prepared in Palatino (medium/regular) and so the layout works best in this font.
A
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“A very small crowd here today. I can count the people on one hand. Can’t be more than 30”
Michael Abrahamson, SABC
 
“Owais Shah is about to start coming hard”
Chris Adams, Sky Sports
 
Jonathan Philip Agnew
‘Aggers’
(b.1960)
 
Agnew is a former English cricketer, a fast bowler for Leicestershire (1979-1992) who played briefly for England (1984-1985).
 
Agnew became a journalist in 1987, whilst still playing cricket. He then became a commentator for BBC radio and Test Match Special. His humorous TMS “leg-over” comment (in August, 1991) had a sniggering, helpless Brian Johnston struggling to compose himself and the incident is fondly remembered by many.
 
His published books include ‘Thanks, Johnners: An Affectionate Tribute to a Broadcasting Legend’ (2010) and ‘Aggers’ Ashes’ (2011).
 
“Andy Caddick's shadow is longer than he is, and he's a very tall man”
Jonathan Agnew
 
“He didn’t quite get his leg over”
Jonathan Agnew, after Ian Botham had spun around off balance and tried (unsuccessfully) to step over the wicket
 
“He scored one or two boundaries in his seven”
Jonathan Agnew
 
“It’s a beautiful day today and as I look around the ground I can see about 30 young girls all wearing Dutch caps”
Jonathan Agnew
 
“It’s hit high in the air, it’s safe and ... out!”
Jonathan Agnew
 
“I’ve never got to the bottom of streaking”
Jonathan Agnew
 
“Like an elephant trying to do the pole vault”
Jonathan Agnew on Inzamam-Ul-Haq falling over his own stumps
 
“Paul Collingwood is proving to be a very good tosser”
Jonathan Agnew
 
“The breeze is getting up and we can just about see Umpire Shepherd’s trousers filling up with wind”
Jonathan Agnew
 
“The more you force it, the less likely it is to work”
Jonathan Agnew
 
“The Zimbabwean fans have been quite quiet; now there are dozens of them starting to expose themselves”
Jonathan Agnew
 
“Gel is more macho than a hairband”
Wasim Akram on the benefits of hair gel in the 1990s
 
“Umpire Fenwick just itches his nose, rather than putting his finger up in the usual fashion”
Paul Allott
 
“On the outfield, hundreds of small boys are playing with their balls”
Rex Alston, BBC
 
“It’s a very psychological sport, cricket – once the kingpin goes down, all the other puzzles just crumble away”
Anita Anand
 
“At least I don’t wear mascara like Alastair Cook”
Jimmy Anderson
 
“If they stop throwing, cricket in Australia will die”
Tommy Andrews
 
“I feel I have had a very interesting life, but I am rather hoping there is still more to come. I still haven’t captained the England cricket team or sung at Carnegie Hall!”
Jeffrey Archer
 
“I was destined to be one of the world’s greatest batsmen, but nobody other than me realized that. I’m the Tendulkar of England”
Jeffrey Archer
 
“ ... and Ray Illingworth is relieving himself in front of the pavilion”
John Arlott
 
“A stroke of a man knocking a thistle top with a walking stick”
John Arlott on Clive Lloyd
 
“Bill Frindall has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator”
John Arlott
 
“He played a cut so late as to be positively posthumous”
John Arlott
 
“Like an old lady poking her umbrella at a wasps’ nest”
John Arlott on Ernie Toshack’s battling
 
Michael Andrew Atherton
‘Mike’, ‘Athers’, ‘Cockroach’, ‘Dready’, ‘Iron Mike’
(b.1968)
 
Atherton is a retired England international cricketer. He took over the captaincy of England when he was 25 and in the 1990s was widely considered to be one of the leading, most successful batsmen around (as opening batsman, he scored over 6,000 runs in that decade); a bit of an institution of sorts, one might say.
 
Atherton’s career was controversial at times; he had an uneasy relationship with the press and was involved in a ball-tampering row in 1994. Steve Waugh nicknamed him ‘cockroach’ because he was very hard to dismiss – and undoubtedly a pest to opposing bowlers!
 
He was a Wisden Cricketer of the Year in 1991 and in 1997 he was awarded an OBE for services to cricket.
 
On retiring from the game in 2001, partly owing to a chronic back problem, he became a broadcaster and journalist. He is known for his no-nonsense approach and his pithy humour. In 2009 he was named the Sports Journalists’ Association’s Specialist Correspondent of the Year and in 2010 he won Sports Journalist of the Year at the British Press Awards. In 2011 he commentated on the Cricket World Cup.
 
His books include ‘Opening Up: My Autobiography’ (2002), ‘Atherton’s Ashes: How England Won the 2009 Ashes’ (2009), and ‘Glorious Summers and Discontents: Looking Back on the Ups and Downs from a Dramatic Decade’ (2011).
 
“He was to orthodoxy what King Herod was to child-minding”
Mike Atherton on Ray Jennings
 
“I presented my trousers to the committee: I had nothing to hide”
Mike Atherton
 
“Kevin Pietersen’s sticky patch was a very small one”
Mike Atherton
 
“It is time for Indian cricket supporters to grow up and accept defeat as an essential part of the game. Sport is not about winning; it is about losing. Trust me, we in English cricket know more about that than anyone”
Mike Atherton, on the reaction of fans after India's exit from the 2009 Twenty20 World Cup
 
“Shane Warne turned around like a can of beans”
Mike Atherton
 
“Somerset's rent-a-quote, Peter Anderson, enjoyed another opportunity to stick the boot in, accusing the would-be reformers of knowing nothing about the game. It is undeniable, of course, that an ex-copper from Hong Kong should know more about cricket than the combined experience of two England captains”
Mike Atherton
 
“The mateyness the team has displayed towards the opposition over the last month suggests the ruthless intent of last summer has been lacking”
Mike Atherton
 
“The number of fumbles, misfields and grabs at thin air brought to mind some England performances of the past ... A team full of dobbers and crap fielders? It has been said about every England touring team to Australia in the past 15 years. It’s nice to be able to return the compliment”
Mike Atherton
 
“The only one who really got up my nose was Steve Waugh, who spent the entire series giving out verbals. A bit of a joke really when he was the one bloke wetting himself against the quick bowlers”
Mike Atherton
 
“The only positive benefit of the injury to Flintoff may be the end of his captaincy ambitions”
Mike Atherton
 
“This morning he [Marcus Trescothick] has more or less left off where he carried on yesterday afternoon”
Mike Atherton
 
“To win a three-match series you really want to be looking at winning two of the matches”
Mike Atherton
 
Ian Healy, having lost an appeal : “You’re a f***ing cheat”
Mike Atherton : “When in Rome, dear boy ... ”
 
“When you restrict a side to 170, 99 times out of ten you feel confident”
Mike Atherton
 
“It looks more suitable for growing carrots”
Andy Atkinson on the state of Bermuda’s new pitch
 
“Sheer pace wouldn't have worried the Indian batsmen. Neither would ordinary bounce, especially in England where the bowlers have to bend their back to extract bounce. But the mixture of both did their undoing”
Praveen Amre on why India lost to England in Super Eights, 2009
 
“Leaving out Dennis Lillee against England would be as unthinkable as the Huns dropping Attila”
Australian TV commentator
 
“Well, Andrew Strauss is certainly an optimist; he’s come out wearing sunblock”
Australian commentator during the 2006-2007 Ashes series where England lost (0-5)
 
B
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“Nigeria – very much the dark horses of this tournament”
Rob Bailey
 
Trevor Edward Bailey
‘The Boil’, ‘Barnacle’
(1923-2011)
 
Bailey was a talented English Test cricketer: a right-arm fast bowler, a dependable and often dour right-handed batsman and a brilliant fielder. He played in 61 Test matches for England between 1949 and 1959, with a batting average of 29.74. Perhaps his most famous achievement came at the Lord’s Test in 1953 when, with England seemingly facing defeat at the hands of a confident Australian side, he and Willie Watson fought their ground for over four hours to earn a draw. England went on to regain The Ashes.
 
After retiring in 1967, Bailey became a cricket journalist for the Financial Times and a broadcaster for the BBC’s Test Match Special.
 
In 1994 he was appointed a CBE for services to cricket.
 
He was the author of several books, including ‘Trevor Bailey’s Cricket Book’ (1959) and ‘A History of Cricket’ (1979).
 
“An aggressive back foot drive off the back foot ... ”
Trevor Bailey
 
“A wicket could always fall in this game, literally at any time”
Trevor Bailey
 
“He’s on 90 ... ten away from that mythical figure”
Trevor Bailey
 
“His tail is literally up”
Trevor Bailey
 
“I don’t think he expected it, and that’s what caught him unawares”
Trevor Bailey
 
“It’s especially tense for Parker who’s literally fighting for a place on an overcrowded plane to India”
Trevor Bailey
 
“Lloyd did what he achieved with that shot”
Trevor Bailey
 
“No captain with all the hindsight in