Pirate Booty

Jack Brightside

Description

Pirates aren’t supposed to get lovesick, but that’s what’s happened to Dread Pirate Captain Louis, master of the good ship Boattega.

Unaware he’s already stolen the dread pirate's heart, Captain Montgomery Montgomery, ambitious head of the anti-piracy task force and woke af, is intent on reforming the sexy bad boy.

What happens next includes a shocking lack of boundaries, inexperience in love, a bitey pet possum, mermaids that won't leave and then kind of do, and the promise of Spanish treasure untold.

And pirate booty. A lot of pirate booty.

And isn't that the REAL treasure?

Informations

• Publié par: Clan Destine Press
• Date de parution: 17 février 2021
• Nombre de lectures: 1
• EAN13: 9780645042634
• Langue: English

Extrait

First published by Improbabl e Press in 2021

Improbable Press is an imprint of:
Clan Destine Press
www.clandestinepress.com.au
PO Box 121, Bittern Victoria 3918 Australia

Copyright © Jack Brightside 2021

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, including internet search engines and retailers, electronic or mechanical, photocopying (except under the provisions of the Australian Copyright Act 1968), recording or by any information storage and retrieval system, without prior permission in writing from the publisher.

National Library of Australia Cataloguing-In-Publication data:

Jack Brightside
Pirate Booty

ISBN: 978-0-6450426-3-4 (eb)

Cover artwork by © Pixie Ink
Cover images:
© European Space Agency "Baltic Blooms"
Wikimedia Commons "The Pirate Bay Logo.svg"
Ebook layout by Pixie Ink

Improbable Press.com
improbablepress.co.uk


1 ~ A Robust Execution System
2 ~ A Tragic Accident
3 ~ Authentic Sustainable Jungle Experience
4 ~ A Distraction from a Promising Career
5 ~ I'm Not Even Asking You to Drive There
6 ~ Sunblock and Pineapple Slices
7 ~ Mermaids are Real and a Real Problem
8 ~ Call Me By My First Name
9 ~ The Other Nipple Piercing
10 ~ Nine Dollar M&Ms
11 ~ The Friends We Made Along the Way
Epilogue


1
A Robust Execution System
Montgomery Montgomery was one of the most feared people on the seven seas, and he wasn't even a pirate. Though nobody could say for sure, because it wasn't like people filled out surveys.
Anyway, Montgomery Montgomery was what the kids call 'woke.' He educated himself about social problems and political correctness, though his social ethics were out of place around his hometown; part of an archipelago of townships that formed the largest free-range wildlife preserve of rich douchebags in the Caribbean. God tried to wipe them out in the great hurricane of 1721, but it wasn't enough. Westport was the kind of town that had a dog park but no homeless shelter. Residents cared more about their pets than other people.
Nobody told Montgomery 'no' as a child, and, at thirty years old, he was the first member of his aristocratic family to work for a living. With his money and background he could do anything. It made literally no sense when he joined the Royal Navy.
Montgomery saw law enforcement as a natural next step in his mission to make the world a better place, and he planned to apply all he'd learned from human rights seminars to his work on the anti-piracy task force. He came up with an ethically-informed plan to 'fight piracy' with a social welfare program in which pirates would receive case management, job training, and permanent housing. It made no sense to anybody, but it was consistent with the current political climate and was cost-effective. His superiors reassured each other they had taken sufficient action against piracy and returned to the golf course.
Meanwhile, Montgomery's program struggled. Participants were scarce because of the weak criminal justice system and robust execution system. A staggering zero percent of pirate participants transitioned into permanent housing. The relapse rate was a joke. Montgomery refused to give up on his plan despite considerable name-calling from his peers, and instead saw an opportunity to demonstrate the efficacy of his program when he encountered the notorious 'Dread Pirate' Captain Louis. As a Caucasian, Montgomery did not understand that the 'Dread Pirate' moniker came about because of the Afro-Caribbean captain's choice of hairstyle, no matter how many times his officers explained black hair. Montgomery determined to recruit the Dread Pirate Louis into the reform program with a duel, because obviously.
Captain Louis excelled at one-to-one combat but handled the duel like it was his first time. He let Montgomery knock him around and whined into every fall. To conclude his performance, Captain Louis gave a speech about 'disappointing his crew' that moved people to tears. Mostly Montgomery, and that one guy on the team who always cried. He clocked the melodramatic fight antics as a win, despite all evidence to the contrary.
Montgomery took Louis prisoner and towed his ship. According to protocol, the Boattega would be dropped off at the pirate ship impound. Captain Montgomery was playing the fucking woke Olympics and thought, 'maybe trauma is the cause of his life of piracy?' It fit the liberal narrative so perfectly that he got a little excited. Although he was already excited around the sultry pirate captain with his sexy hair and face tattoos.
Boys like Louis didn't live in Westport. The well-dressed fuckboys in their brocade never gave Montgomery something he could feel in his body. Louis was the kind of man you want to put your mouth on. He carried himself with an air of confidence that was usually earned through hard work or terrific luck. He wore knee-high boots, high-waisted pants, and a shirt so low-cut it should be illegal. Louis' clothing was threadbare but in, like, an on-purpose way. Imperfect lettering painted vague adjectives and misquoted adages across his face and neck. Some underpaid intern tattoo artist created shapes so poorly drawn they were practically squiggles. Any meaning behind the art was at best coincidental, at worst a gang sign. Louis' dreads held a collection of found objects, some permanent and some blown into place by the sticky ocean wind. He made it work. His voice was that steady male hand that slides down your back. He pulled Montgomery aside on the deck using only his eyes.
"Yes, Captain?" Montgomery endeavored to refer to Louis with his made-up pirate title. It was culturally mindful. He imagined what it would sound like in a breathy whisper between the sheets of his regulation cot.
Louis twisted one of his locks. "…This is embarrassing. I'm not sure if I should tell you this. I've never told anyone before…"
In Westport, secrets were weaponized. Montgomery couldn't conceptualize a reason that another human being would disclose sensitive information about themselves.
The pirate captain held Montgomery with his magnetic gaze and told a story about being 'triggered' by prison bars. He used the word triggered when he described this. Montgomery nodded a lot because he didn't know how to talk to boys. He used some of his knowledge from those diversity seminars to formulate responses.
"Thanks for listening." Louis tucked a lock behind his ear cuff.
Montgomery stepped into the intimacy of another person's secret. "Thank you for your disclosure." The awkwardness was as palpable as the sexual tension. Montgomery decided he had to further interrogate the prisoner. He explained to his officers that the interrogation must be done by him. It could only occur in his office, which was also his bedroom.
Louis agreed. "This means a lot to me. Thanks, Captain."
"Please, call me Montgomery."
Montgomery's officers lacked his enthusiasm for criminal justice reform, and were not blinded by the pirate captain's low-cut shirt. They swooped in with the rustiest, heaviest set of handcuffs for Captain Louis. No less than three uniformed officers escorted the pirate captain to the makeshift interrogation chamber, which, again, was also Montgomery's bedroom. Louis played it real cool. Kind of like this was planned. "This is not the first time I've been handcuffed."
Montgomery thought it was a joke. "I'm sure you've been captured many times before."
"But I meant – never mind."
Montgomery's officers noticed an aggressive dissonance between the pirate captain's inappropriate one-liners and Montgomery's perception of rapport with his prisoner; apparently no one in Westport taught Montgomery how to flirt. Montgomery's officers left them alone in his bedroom because nobody wanted to 'go there.' Louis splayed himself across Montgomery's desk chair. Montgomery watched from the bed while Louis played with the rusted chain of his handcuffs. Montgomery felt weird about the handcuffs because of the complicated essay about colonialism he read the week before. Louis was an Afro-Caribbean thirst trap, and Montgomery was a lily-white guy from the land of douchebags, which made handcuffs a micro-aggression, maybe. Montgomery couldn't confirm this because he didn't have his class notes in front of him.
"I don't think we need these." Montgomery unlocked the cuffs.
"Thank you so much for taking those cuffs off! Wow, you're so different from other captains."
Montgomery imagined what a 'cool' person's voice sounded like. "Yeah, I'm not like other captains. I'm a chill guy, you know? Just like you."
Montgomery's concessions escalated. He brought food to the captain's quarters at Louis' request. Louis put away two plates of food, and Montgomery fed off his prisoner's validation.
"This is the best meal I have ever had. I love the police now! If I met you sooner, maybe I wouldn't be a pirate. I wouldn't have had to sell all those counterfeit handbags!"
Montgomery swooned. "I've got your rap sheet right here, I know all about your crimes. We don't have to go over it."
"Wait,