Shite Excuses

Chame Moira La

Description

This little book offers a collection of the strangest and weirdest excuses ever given to employers, spouses, dentists, doctors, teachers - in fact, anybody. Don't just use any old excuse - dare to have fun and be different! Excuses are grouped by category: work, church, dating, traffic, etc.

Sujets

• Lifestyle
• Humour

Informations

• Publié par: Crombie Jardine Publishing Limited
• Date de parution: 01 septembre 2005
• Nombre de lectures: 1
• EAN13: 9781906051594
• Langue: English

Extrait

INTRODUCTION

Current thinking is that we live in a ‘culture of excuses’. Yet, believe me, we’ve been making excuses since man, or maybe woman, was first put on this earth:

God: Did you eat that apple I expressly told you not to?
Adam: It was Eve’s fault, she gave it to me!
Eve: It was the snake’s fault. He tricked me.
 
Yep, ever since that snake set the trend, we’ve been having a devil of a time trying to wriggle out of things. It has to be said that sometimes we are clever about it, sometimes witty, sometimes even believable. However, more often than not, our excuses are poor disguise for our idleness, unwillingness, forgetfulness and our guilty consciences. On the other hand, there are some really shite excuses going around that you just won’t believe the perpetrators get away with!

If you must excuse yourself, and we all do, several times a day, whatever else, be original. Many excuses are now so well used that they’ve become the stuff of legend and cliché and your boss, that policeman, your partner, your teacher . . . have probably heard them before. Dare to be different! Pick yours with care!
 
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WHY YOU CAN’T GO OUT TONIGHT EXCUSES
 
The only man who is really free is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse
Jules Renard
 
• The Queen said she might drop in.
• I have to wash my dog.
• I have to floss my cat.
• I've dedicated my life to linguini.
• I’m eating dinner with chopsticks.
• I’m eating an unready meal.
• I want to spend more time with my juicer.
• I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
• The man on television told me to say tuned.
• I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
• I'm working on a cottage cheese sculpture.
• I'm building a kit car.
• I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
• I have to check the sell-by dates on my tins.
• I'm going through ice-cream withdrawal.
• I'm in training to be a household pest.
• I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
• I'm sandblasting my oven.
• I have to fluff my shower cap.
• I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
• I have some really hard words to look up in the dictionary.
• I have to match up my socks
• My yucca plant is feeling yucky.
 
GETTING OUT OF A DATE EXCUSES
 
If you don’t want to do something, one excuse is as good as another
Yiddish proverb
 
Every vice has its excuse ready
Publilius Syrus
 
• I've got a really horrible case of warts.
• My plot to take over the world is thickening.
• I have to fulfil my potential.
• My subconscious says no.
• I never go out on days that end in ‘y’.
• My mother would never let me hear the end of it.
• You know how we psychos are.
• It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People if I went out with you.
• I'm trying to be less popular.
• The voices in my head are telling me to stay away from you.
 
HOW TO END A RUBBISH DATE
 
It is better to offer no excuse than a bad one
George Washington
 
He who excuses himself accuses himself
Gabriel Meurier
 
• I love cats too. How shall we cook yours?
• My wife will be waiting up for me.
• Can we talk in Klingon?
• My other partner would like to meet you.
• I’m really looking for someone to cook, clean, and iron my shirts.
• I’m ovulating in an hour.
• My other personality comes out at midnight.
• You should know that the Viagra will wear off soon.
• My wife is waiting at home for a threesome.
• I have three wives and twelve children in three different countries.
• I’ve really matured. Last year I wouldn’t have looked twice at a girl like you.
• Would you like to see my train-spotting manual?
• I’m just getting over bird flu so ought to have an early night.
• I think I’m a closet gay.
• My mummy is waiting up for me.
• My wash cycle should be finished by now.
• Would you like to see the tattoos I got in prison?
• Will you marry me?
• I like a bit of flesh to sink my teeth into – I bet yours tastes good.
• Would you like to see my knife collection?
 
EXCUSES FOR MAKING IT A ONE-NIGHT STAND
 
Temptation is a woman’s weapon and a man’s excuse
Henry Louis Mencken
 
An excuse is worse than a lie, for an excuse is a lie guarded
Alexander Pope
 
• I'm being deported tomorrow.
• I have to keep my appointment with God.
• I have to be on the next plane to Iraq.
• I have to be back in prison in the morning.
• Did I spend the night with you? I’m jogging my memory, but nothing’s coming up.
• It wouldn’t be fair to all the other girls/guys out there if I spent another night with you.
• Off with the old, on with the new.
• So many men/women, so little time.
• Tomorrow is another day.
• I read my palm and there wasn’t a line for you and me at this juncture.
• Another day, another date.
• I’m married.
• Let’s not spoil the memory of a perfect night.
• I’m sorry but the VD clinic opens soon and I must keep my appointment.
• I’m allergic to your cat.
• I’ve consulted the voices and they say you’re not the one.
• Last night you turned off the lights. Now I’ve seen you in daylight, you’ve turned me off instead.