Tales from the Bug Guy

Dr. German Roach

Description

The phone rings. On the other end, a frantic plea for help: “You were out here yesterday to treat for bugs, but I’m still seeing them. Hundreds!”
“Okay, ma’am. Like you said, we were there just one day ago. Give the treatment time to work.”
“No, you have to come today. I’m freaking out!”
“Okay, ma’am. Don’t freak out. We’ll get someone over there this afternoon.”
You get there. You find three dead roaches in the kitchen. Not hundreds.
“Ah, ma’am. Is this what you are referring to?”
“Yes.”
“They’re all dead, and I don’t see anything else moving. You realize that I can only kill them once, right?”
“I know, but you know what they say. If there’s one, there’s hundreds!”
That was an interaction with a calm person. Now magnify that by ten, twenty, even one hundred. Those are the stories you will read about in this book. The crazies we dealt with on a daily basis. I know people hate bugs—some even have serious phobias over them—but the hyperbole that comes with it is beyond anything you can imagine. People are a hoot, and this book will prove it!

Sujets

• Humor
• Professional
• Business

Informations

• Publié par: Xlibris US
• Date de parution: 16 août 2022
• Nombre de lectures: 0
• EAN13: 9781669842996
• Langue: English

Extrait

Tales From The Bug Guy
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Dr. German Roach
 
Copyright © 2022 by Dr. German Roach.
 
Library of Congress Control Number:
2022915244
ISBN:
Hardcover
978-1-6698-4301-6

Softcover
978-1-6698-4300-9

eBook
978-1-6698-4299-6
 
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.
 
Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.
Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.
 
 
 
 
 
Rev. date: 12/06/2022
 
 
 
 
Xlibris
844-714-8691
www.Xlibris.com
842978
Contents
Dedication
Acknowledgments
Preface
 
Chapter 1     Failure Is Not an Option
Chapter 2     War Is Hell
Chapter 3     Hi, I’m from Corporate, and I’m Here to Help
Chapter 4     This Shit Ain’t Rocket Science
Chapter 5     Apartment Communities: They Just Don’t Care
Chapter 6     You Have the Right to Remain Silent
Chapter 7     Grown Men Don’t Throw Up
Chapter 8     Bedbugs Suck. No, Really, That’s What They Do.
Chapter 9     Mean People Suck Too
Chapter 10     Property Managers: Worst Businesspeople on the Planet
Chapter 11     How the Other Half Lives
Chapter 12     Health Care Facilities: You’re Not a Name, Only a Number
Chapter 13     Do You Promise to Tell the Truth, the Whole Truth, Even If It’s Bullshit?
Chapter 14     The Food Industry: Eat at Your Own Risk
Chapter 15     Termites: Insurance Companies Won’t Even Touch Them
Chapter 16     Fleet Management: What a Pain in the Asset
Chapter 17     COVID Schomid
Chapter 18     Game, Set, and Match
Chapter 19     The Beginning of the End
Chapter 20     Postclose
 
Epilogue
Dedication
T o my wife. Thank you for believing in me. You have more faith in me than I have in myself. You always have. Without your blessing, none of this would have been possible. I love you with all my heart.
To my kids. You two are the reason why I work my ass off. If not for the both of you, my life would be so empty. Thanks for making me so proud. You guys are the best.
To Mom and Dad. Thanks for bringing me into the world and giving me a chance to piss people off. They deserve it, and I’m very good at it.
Acknowledgments
T o my business partner. Thanks for everything. The company wouldn’t be the same without you, and I could never have done it with someone else. I think it’s safe to say we kicked some ass.
To my good friend MP. Thanks for the idea for a book cover. It’s so much better than mine.
To our broker RH. Thanks for all the hard work. You are a true professional and damn good at what you do. I hope we stay in touch.
To our contact at DACS, Mr. DG. Thanks for your leadership and friendship. You were always tough, but fair and a true professional. Few people know their craft like you do, and we were better for having known you. Best of luck in your retirement.
To the employees that gave us your best every day. You know who you are, and we thank you for all your hard work. It will never be forgotten.
To the customers that treated us with kindness and respect. Thank you for being good, decent people. You are the reason why we were able to last as long as we did.
To the company that purchased us. Thank you for giving our guys a shot. Please take good care of the customer base we worked so hard to build. Although you won’t be using our name, there is a legacy I’d like to see live on.
To my publisher. Thank you all for making this book a reality. Your hard work and guidance were second to none, and I look forward to working with all of you again in the near future.
Preface
Y ou would think that pest control is boring work. And for the most part, it is. Or at least, should be. I mean, after all, we’re dealing with tiny little bugs. What’s all the fuss about? Sure, you get those instances where you’re thrown a challenge that may require a bit of research or thinking outside the box. But those are fun. Something different than the garden-variety pest complaint. But what makes pest control difficult, and certainly not boring, are the people. And it’s not all people. Only certain people. You know who I’m talking about. They’re called jerks.
My favorite cartoon in the funny pages of the newspaper was the eighties classic, The Far Side , by Gary Larson. He made the best single-panel cartoons ever. There was one I particularly liked. It was God, working in his “laboratory.” Behind him on a shelf were jars that were labeled with their contents. One said “trees,” another said “animals,” another said “people,” etc. Well, the caption underneath the cartoon read, “And just to keep things interesting . . .” In God’s hands was a jar labeled “jerks,” and he was shaking the jar over the planet he was making—Earth. I still laugh my ass off with that one. How true. And that is what this book is about. All the stories about all the jerks I’ve had to deal with. All true stories, all real-world dealings. I find it upsetting that nice, decent, and considerate are all boring. You can’t write a book about that. No one would read it. But jerks are captivating. Jerks are interesting. Jerks make great stories. And that is what this book focuses on—the jerks. We had hundreds and hundreds of customers come and go over the years, and the overwhelming majority of them were great. And I truly appreciated them all. But it’s those bastards you have to deal with every day that gave me the idea to write this book.
In all honesty, I couldn’t see myself writing a book about my experiences in, well, anything really. You are about to hopefully read an entire book written by someone who has never read a novel. Or any book cover to cover for that matter. But I suppose it’s no big deal. After all, the person who invented the stop sign never drove a car. It is what it is. A lot of people wonder how I got through school without reading the required texts and book assignments. Well, in high school, if there was a book-reading assignment, I would rent the movie or get the CliffsNotes. Now there was no way in hell that I could ace the exam that would follow, but I picked up enough from the movie or the “notes” to get a solid C on the test. Fine by me. I just cannot sit down and read. It bores the shit out of me. Besides, there is no way in hell I can be idle for a long period of time. Most likely, I’ve had some form of ADHD since I was a child. Even writing this, right now, I need to get up and walk around after I finish typing this sentence. I tend to get “antsy” (no pun intended) when I stay idle for too long. And by too long, I mean just a few minutes.
OK, I’m back. So glad I grew up in the seventies when ADHD wasn’t the buzzword it is today. It didn’t exist per se. At least not in the mainstream. No diagnosis, no drugs, nada. A good smack on the back of the head by my dad was the only prescription needed. That and maybe “more cowbell.” I could only imagine how much crap the medical field would have given me to handle my “condition.” I would have definitely been the poster child for ADHD. I could only imagine how being on meds would have changed my personality. I’d be a completely different person today. My wife certainly wouldn’t recognize me. I drive her nuts with my constant movement. She’ll tell you. I can’t sit still for two seconds. But as I’ve aged, the “H” part has subsided to a degree. However, I still can’t stay in one place for too long, so writing this book will take me a bit of time. But I’m in no rush. I’m officially retired. I have nothing to do and the rest of my life to do it. I’m not really sure why I decided to write a book. I guess I just got a dill up my ass to tackle a project like this. It started out as a journal, or a diary if you will. I guess I just needed to vent about the crap I had to deal with while running my own business. It just made me feel better. Then it just kind of morphed into a book project.
During the eighteen-plus years of operation, I sometimes felt like I was “selling out” just to make a buck. I never in my life had tolerated such nonsense from people. Believe me, if I thought you were an asshole, I wouldn’t have anything to do with you. I’d ignore you. I certainly wouldn’t be trying to kiss your asshole. I had to constantly remind myself that I was doing this for my family. I promised my wife a good life, and I wanted to deliver. I have two awesome kids, and I wanted to be a good provider. So just like everybody else, I had to suck it up and handle things as professionally as possible. That wasn’t always the case, as you will soon see; but hopefully, you’ll also agree with the way it was handled. And if not, oh well. Don’t get me wrong; I loved the vast majority of what I did, but Christ, you’ll see what I’m talking about. People are nuts, and the world is on fire. I can look back at it now and laugh, but man, was I on the verge of a breakdown toward the end! But it’s all good now. Nothing a little Xanax couldn’t help me out with.
Just a few caveats regarding this book. If you haven’t figured out by now, I am using a fake name. Duh. The reason being is that I am under a five-year noncompete agreement with the company that b