Kiss Me!

Gonzalez

Sujets

• Pregnancy

Informations

• Publié par: Pinter & Martin
• Date de parution: 01 janvier 0001
• Nombre de lectures: 3
• EAN13: 9781780660110
• Langue: English

Extrait

Kiss me!
Acknowledgements
The author would like to thank Alicia Bair-Fassardi, Elena Garrido, Joana Guerrero, Rosa Jovè, Lourdes Martínez, Maribel Matilla, Pilar Serrano, Mónica Tesone, Eulalia Torras, Patricia Trautmann-Villalba and Silvia Wajnbuch for their invaluable commentary on the manuscript.
The testimonials from mothers quoted in this book are taken from letters to the author, mostly via the magazine Ser Padres ( Being Parents ), and on Internet forums. Names have been changed to protect privacy.
About the author
Carlos González, a father of three, studied medicine at the Universidad Autónoma de Barcelona and trained as a paediatrician at the Hospital de Sant Joan de Déu. The founder and president of the Catalan Breastfeeding Association (ACPAM), he currently gives courses on breastfeeding for medical professionals. Since 1996 he has been breastfeeding correspondent for Ser Padres ( Being Parents ) magazine. His book My Child Won’t Eat! is also published by Pinter & Martin.
Kiss me!
How to raise your children with love
Carlos González
translated by Lorenza Garcia
Kiss me! How to raise your children with love
First published as Bésame mucho by Ediciones Planeta Madrid, S.A.
This English edition first published by Pinter & Martin Ltd 2012
© Carlos González 2003, 2006, 2010, 2012
© Ediciones Planeta Madrid, S.A., Po de Recolets 4, Madrid 28001 (Spain)
Translated by Lorenza Garcia This work has been published with a subsidy from the Directorate General of Books, Archives and Libraries of the Spanish Ministry of Culture
All rights reserved
ISBN 978-1-78066-010-3
The right of Carlos González to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patent Act of 1988
British Library Cataloguing-in-Publication Data
A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library
This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade and otherwise, be lent, resold, hired out, or otherwise circulated without the publisher’s prior consent in any form or binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser
Printed in Great Britain by TJ International Ltd, Padstow, Cornwall
This book has been printed on paper that is sourced and harvested from sustainable forests and is FSC accredited
Pinter & Martin Ltd
6 Effra Parade
London SW2 1PS
www.pinterandmartin.com
Contents
Acknowledgements
Chapter 1 The Good Little Boy and the Bad Little Boy
One-size-fits-all parenting
The last taboo
The road to ethical parenting
Chapter 2 Why children are the way they are
Natural selection and cultural selection
How animals rear their young
Quick-witted or helpless?
Hide, carry, follow
In the lap of civilisation
Why children don’t like being left alone
Why do children cry when you leave the room?
Responses to separation
He doesn’t want to go to nursery school
Why does he always want to be carried?
Why won’t children sleep on their own
Strangers in the night
In the Dark Ages
One planet, two worlds
Why is she waking up more than before?
Co-sleeping in practice
At what age will she starting sleeping on her own?
Why do children demand our attention?
Why hasn’t she started walking yet?
Why is he jealous?
The Oedipus Complex
When will she become independent?
Your child is a good person
Your child is selfless
Your child is generous
Your child is equable
Your child is forgiving
Your child is fearless
Your child is diplomatic
Your child is honest
Your child is sociable
Your child is understanding
Chapter 3 Theories I do not share
Fascistic parenting
Orderliness
Behaviourism and education
A few myths regarding sleep
Sleeping through the night
The dangers of co-sleeping
Co-sleeping doesn’t cause insomnia
Co-sleeping doesn’t cause psychological problems
Co-sleeping doesn’t cause sudden death
Breastfeeding at night
What is infantile insomnia?
Teaching children how to sleep
A difficult habit to break
Leave him alone while he is still awake
Children, beds and sex
The therapeutic cry
Family, limited company
A little girl with no limits
Permissiveness: the fear of freedom
Sooner protect than correct
A timely smack
An expert on hitting children
Rewards and punishments
Looking for problems
Throw enough dirt and some will stick
Sphincter control
When and how to stop using nappies
Look, but don’t touch
Time-out!
Early stimulation
Quality time
Epilogue The happiest day
References
Index
To Joana, Daniel, Sara and Marina, who taught me how to be a father .
Chapter 1
The Good Little Boy and the Bad Little Boy
I have taken this title from Mark Twain’s short story, not in order to speak, as he did, of two different children, but of each and every child, of children in general. Are children either good or bad? The reader will think: there are all kinds. Each child is different, and, as with grown ups, most are probably middling to good.
And yet, setting aside the merits of each child, many of us (parents, psychologists, teachers, paediatricians and the general public) have preconceived opinions as to the goodness or badness of children. We see them either as “angels” or “bullies”; when they cry they are either in pain or trying it on; they are either innocent or devious: they either need us or they manipulate us.
Whether we think of our children as friend or foe depends on this preconception. Some of us see children as gentle, delicate, helpless, loving and innocent; they need our care and attention in order to grow into wonderful people. Others see children as selfish, wicked, hostile, cruel, and calculating, and only by bending them to our will from the beginning, only by means of strict discipline can we lead them away from evil and make worthwhile human beings of them.
For centuries these two antagonistic visions of childhood have impregnated our culture. They are as prevalent in the advice of family members and neighbours as they are in the works of paediatricians, teachers and philosophers. The habitual consumers of parenting manuals are young, inexperienced parents (by the time they have their second child, they have usually lost faith in the experts and have less time for reading), and they can find examples of both approaches: books on how to care for your children with love, and books on how to crush them. Unfortunately, the latter are far more prevalent, which is why I resolved to write this, a book in defence of children.
The stance of a book or of an expert is rarely explicit. On the back of every book it should state clearly: “This book assumes that children need our attention”, or: “This book assumes that, given the slightest chance, all children will try it on.” Paediatricians and child psychologists ought to provide similar explanations during the first appointment. That way, people would be aware of the different stances, and be able to evaluate or choose the book or expert most congenial with their own beliefs. Seeking the advice of a paediatrician without knowing whether he or she is an advocate of affection or discipline is as absurd as seeking the advice of a priest without knowing whether he is a Catholic or a Buddhist, or reading a book on economics without knowing whether the author is a Communist or a Capitalist.
Because, in the end, this is a matter of personal opinion, not of science. Although throughout this book I will try to provide arguments in order to back up my point of view, it must be said that, in the end, ideas on parenting, like political or religious ideas, are more about personal beliefs than rational arguments.
In fact, many experts, professionals and parents aren’t even aware of these two tendencies, and therefore haven’t stopped to think about which one they agree with. Parents read books that have totally different, often conflicting, views, all of which they believe and try to put into practice simultaneously. Many authors save them the trouble by producing a bizarre amalgam of the two approaches. These are the books that tell you holding your child is very good, but you should never pick him up when he cries because he will grow accustomed to it; a mother’s milk is the best form of nourishment, but only for the first six months; mistreating a child is a very serious problem and a denial of his human rights, but a timely smack can work wonders… That is: “freedom within limits”.
We can see a classic example of this in the work of the educator Pedro de Alcántara García, who in 1909 quoted the philosopher Kant:
Constant and extreme repression can be as damaging as continuous and excessive indulgence. Kant has said referring to this matter: “Children’s desires should not be denied, rather they should be guided in such a way as to yield before natural obstacles – parents commonly make the mistake of refusing all of their children’s demands. It is absurd to deny them the kindness they expect from their parents for no good reason. On the other hand, it is detrimental to yield to a child’s every desire; doing so will doubtless preclude their ill humour, but it will also make them more demanding”. Will should be trained, then, through exercise and restraint, both positively and negatively. 1
Taken as a whole, these words appear fairly reasonable, and are not unfavourable towards the child (although the word “repression” jars a little in this day and age, doesn’t it? We continue to repress children, while preferring to say we are shaping, educating, putting them on the right track). It depends on what we mean by “excessive indulgence”. We all agree that, while we mustn’t deny them things arbitrarily, if a child is about to jump out of the window, it is our duty to stop him.
But why do we evoke these restrictions when we speak of children? We would equally prevent an adult (whether