Kiss Me

Carlos Gonzalez

Sujets

• Pregnancy

Informations

• Publié par: Pinter & Martin Limited
• Date de parution: 01 janvier 0001
• Nombre de lectures: 2
• EAN13: 9781780661087
• Langue: English
• Poids de l'ouvrage: 1 Mo

Extrait

KISS ME
KISS ME
How to raise your children with love
CARLOS GONZ LEZ
Kiss me: How to raise your children with love
First published as B same mucho by Ediciones Planeta Madrid, S.A.
First published in English by Pinter Martin Ltd 2012
This reprint edition published 2020
Carlos Gonz lez 2003, 2006, 2010, 2012, 2020
Ediciones Planeta Madrid, S.A., Po de Recolets 4, Madrid 28001 (Spain) Translated by Lorenza Garcia

This work has been published with a subsidy from the Directorate General of Books, Archives and Libraries of the Spanish Ministry of Culture
All rights reserved
ISBN 978-1-78066-313-5
The right of Carlos Gonz lez to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patent Act of 1988
British Library Cataloguing-in-Publication Data A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library
This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade and otherwise, be lent, resold, hired out, or otherwise circulated without the publisher s prior consent in any form or binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser
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This book has been printed on paper that is sourced and harvested from sustainable forests and is FSC accredited
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CONTENTS
Foreword by Professor Amy Brown
CHAPTER 1: THE GOOD LITTLE BOY AND THE BAD LITTLE BOY
CHAPTER 2: WHY CHILDREN ARE THE WAY THEY ARE
CHAPTER 3: THEORIES I DO NOT SHARE
EPILOGUE: THE HAPPIEST DAY
References
Index
Acknowledgements
The author would like to thank Alicia Bair-Fassardi, Elena Garrido, Joana Guerrero, Rosa Jov , Lourdes Mart nez, Maribel Matilla, Pilar Serrano, M nica Tesone, Eulalia Torras, Patricia Trautmann-Villalba and Silvia Wajnbuch for their invaluable commentary on the manuscript.
The testimonials from mothers quoted in this book are taken from letters to the author, mostly via the magazine Ser Padres ( Being Parents ), and on Internet forums. Names have been changed to protect privacy.
About the author
Carlos Gonz lez, a father of three, studied medicine at the Universidad Aut noma de Barcelona and trained as a paediatrician at the Hospital de Sant Joan de D u. The founder and president of the Catalan Breastfeeding Association (ACPAM), he is an international lecturer on breastfeeding and parenting for health professionals and families, and writes for several parenting magazines. His books have been translated into 13 languages.
His books, My Child Won t Eat and Breastfeeding Made Easy , are also published by Pinter Martin.
To Joana, Daniel, Sara and Marina, who taught me how to be a father
FOREWORD
With our fast-paced lives and seemingly endless technological advances, it is easy to forget that at the heart of everything human beings have more basic needs - warmth, food and comfort. With every advancement it is also easy to forget that we are not some superior creature, but in fact mammals, albeit two legged ones. Importantly, our babies are born not with that fast-paced lifestyle in mind, but a fierce instinct to ensure those most basic mammalian needs are met.
Human babies are so vulnerable. Compare them to the baby giraffe or rhino who walks within hours of birth. Humans comparatively take much longer to even hold their head up let alone have similar levels of independence . We are born so soon due to our extensive brain development meaning that the size of our heads impedes protection in the womb until we are more physically developed. We are born at a time when we must ensure our survival by convincing our parents to meet all our needs.
And our babies know this. They are programmed to want to stay close throughout the day and night. They are designed to protest at separation - after all, to them, they have no idea you are simply popping to the kitchen for a few moments. Their tiny tummies mean they must feed frequently, gaining not only energy but comfort from long feeding sessions. And we are wired to respond. Research has shown that we can easily identify our own baby s cry from others and find it far more distressing to listen to than a stranger s. Nature - and instinct - has programmed our babies to attach to us, and us to attach to them.
But we increasingly live in a society that will tell you all this is wrong. Babies, they say, need to learn to be independent. Babies, they warn, are just trying to manipulate you. Babies, they advise, should be taught to sleep and feed in a routine. Ignoring this advice and responding to that baby will create a rod for your own back , leaving you having to meet their needs forever more.
Or will it? Of course not. Copious research (and common sense) tells us that when a child has their needs met in a loving, timely and appropriate way that they in fact learn to trust. They learn that somebody cares and that the world is not a scary place. They grow in confidence and transfer that positive relationship to new ones, expecting interactions to be loving and caring and offering the same in return.
Responding to your baby or child in this way is not necessarily easy. Mothers and families need as much love and support as they themselves give to their child. But as this book will reassure you, one thing you do not have to worry about is the instinct and desire to respond to your child. Nor do you have to do this alone. This book will take you through each step and concern, exploring just how normal your child s needs to feed often, be held and sleep close to you are, and help open your eyes to your child s communication to you. It will show you how to model love, care and understanding to your child - and will stay with you as your child gains the confidence to in turn pay these forward.
Amy Brown
Professor of maternal and child public health
CHAPTER 1
The Good Little Boy and the Bad Little Boy
I have taken this title from Mark Twain s short story, not in order to speak, as he did, of two different children, but of each and every child, of children in general. Are children either good or bad? The reader will think: there are all kinds. Each child is different, and, as with grown ups, most are probably middling to good.
And yet, setting aside the merits of each child, many of us (parents, psychologists, teachers, paediatricians and the general public) have preconceived opinions as to the goodness or badness of children. We see them either as angels or bullies ; when they cry they are either in pain or trying it on; they are either innocent or devious: they either need us or they manipulate us.
Whether we think of our children as friend or foe depends on this preconception. Some of us see children as gentle, delicate, helpless, loving and innocent; they need our care and attention in order to grow into wonderful people. Others see children as selfish, wicked, hostile, cruel, and calculating, and only by bending them to our will from the beginning, only by means of strict discipline can we lead them away from evil and make worthwhile human beings of them.
For centuries these two antagonistic visions of childhood have impregnated our culture. They are as prevalent in the advice of family members and neighbours as they are in the works of paediatricians, teachers and philosophers. The habitual consumers of parenting manuals are young, inexperienced parents (by the time they have their second child, they have usually lost faith in the experts and have less time for reading), and they can find examples of both approaches: books on how to care for your children with love, and books on how to crush them. Unfortunately, the latter are far more prevalent, which is why I resolved to write this, a book in defence of children.
The stance of a book or of an expert is rarely explicit. On the back of every book it should state clearly: This book assumes that children need our attention , or: This book assumes that, given the slightest chance, all children will try it on. Paediatricians and child psychologists ought to provide similar explanations during the first appointment. That way, people would be aware of the different stances, and be able to evaluate or choose the book or expert most congenial with their own beliefs. Seeking the advice of a paediatrician without knowing whether he or she is an advocate of affection or discipline is as absurd as seeking the advice of a priest without knowing whether he is a Catholic or a Buddhist, or reading a book on economics without knowing whether the author is a Communist or a Capitalist.
Because, in the end, this is a matter of personal opinion, not of science. Although throughout this book I will try to provide arguments in order to back up my point of view, it must be said that, in the end, ideas on parenting, like political or religious ideas, are more about personal beliefs than rational arguments.
In fact, many experts, professionals and parents aren t even aware of these two tendencies, and therefore haven t stopped to think about which one they agree with. Parents read books that have totally different, often conflicting, views, all of which they believe and try to put into practice simultaneously. Many authors save them the trouble by producing a bizarre amalgam of the two approaches. These are the books that tell you holding your child is very good, but you should never pick him up when he cries because he will grow accustomed to it; a mother s milk is the best form of nourishment, but only for the first six months; mistreating a child is a very serious problem and a denial of his human rights, but a timely smack can work wonders That is: freedom within limits .
We can see a classic example of this in the work of the educator Pedro de Alc ntara Garc a, who in 1909 quoted the philosopher Kant:
Constant and extreme repression can be as damaging as continuous and exc