Conflict Resolution for Couples

Paul R. Shaffer

Description

This “Just the Tools” Edition is an abbreviated version of Paul Shaffer’s “Conflict Resolution for Couples – the R.I.V.E.R. Method”, of which the 15th Anniversary Edition came out in 2020.
This leaner edition focuses on just the core tools that Paul teaches when doing couple’s work – the basics that every couple needs to know:
• The 5-step conflict resolution model (R.I.V.E.R.)
• The 26 “rules” (ABC’s) for avoiding a fight
• Healthy routines for making and maintaining relational growth

Sujets

• Vie de famille
• Relations familiales
• Famille
• Paul Shaffer
• Psychology

Informations

• Publié par: AuthorHouse
• Date de parution: 10 septembre 2014
• Nombre de lectures: 0
• EAN13: 9781496936141
• Langue: English

Extrait

Conflict Resolution for Couples
 
“Just the Tools” Edition
 
 
 
Paul R. Shaffer
 
 
 
 
 
 

 
 
AuthorHouse™
1663 Liberty Drive
Bloomington, IN 47403
www.authorhouse.com
Phone: [phone]
 
 
 
 
© 2014 Paul R. Shaffer. All rights reserved.
 
No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.
 
Published by AuthorHouse 01/20/2023
 
ISBN: 978-1-4969-3615-8 (sc)
ISBN: 978-1-4969-3616-5 (hc)
ISBN: 978-1-4969-3614-1 (e)
 
 
 
 
Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.
Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.
 
 
 
Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.
Contents
Foreword
Chapter 1 Conflict 101
Chapter 2 Types and Styles
Chapter 3 The Conflict Model (Part 1) – Avoiding Reactivity
Chapter 4 The Conflict Model (Part 2) – When an Issue Exists
Chapter 5 Reflecting on & Identifying the Issue
Chapter 6 Validating the Issue
Chapter 7 Explaining the Issue
Chapter 8 Resolving the Issue
Chapter 9 Making & Maintaining Changes
Chapter 10 Healthy Routines
Afterword: Balance
After the Afterword
Appendix A Tools
Appendix B The Exercises
Foreword
This being the “Just the Tools” edition of “Conflict Resolution for Couples”, you, the reader, may have some questions as to what differentiates this edition from its parent book, “the R.I.V.E.R. Method” Edition (updated for its 15 th Anniversary, as of 2020). “The R.I.V.E.R. Method” Edition included four chapters on foundational aspects to relationships as well as two chapters on crisis situations (affairs and marital separation). This edition is for those who just wanted the core tools without all of the additional information. It consists of the 5-step conflict model (R.I.V.E.R.), the ABC’s (26 tools) to avoid a fight, and the healthy routines that maintain relationship growth.



Experience has taught me that most people, myself included, do not have very good study skills. By this, I mean that most people, even though they can read and comprehend what they are reading, do not approach a book in a way that makes it likely that they will retain what has been read.
Most strategies learned in high school and college were time-based strategies. You learned what you needed for the test and then forgot about it. The focus was only on short-term retention. Keeping this in mind, I would like to suggest some strategies for approaching this book in a way that will make it likely to have a more meaningful and lasting impact on your life.
1. For couples, one of the best ways to read this book is with the significant other . I don’t mean that you are both trying to read at the same time, but rather one person reads to the other. While this is not a necessity (or maybe even a possibility, depending on the situation), the benefits multiply immensely. When you read, you typically make observations about the relationship in question that, in the moment, make a difference to you. However, if your partner is not present, those observations often go unshared and then get lost in time.
Reading together is visible evidence that you are both willing to work on the relationship - that you care.
If the relationship is currently hostile, it is likely that feedback directed at your partner while reading together might be taken as an attack or a judgment, and should probably be avoided. If your partner is open to reading along, then the suggestion would be to only make comments on the things that you feel apply to you or the relationship in general.
It is possible to apply the methods discussed in this book without the other ever having read it, but, for maximum effect, it is recommended that both parties do the reading, and, as a result, be able to support the same changes in their approach.
2. Take your time reading . Give yourself permission to take the time to think through what you are reading. Don’t let this be just another self-help book under your belt, another task to finish.
If you truly want help with the quality of your relationship, it deserves the time spent in investigating solutions. Think of it in terms of someone panning for gold. If they go too fast in their search, they are likely to overlook what they are searching for. So, if you find yourself beginning to skim, you’re going too fast.
Try to choose a peaceful moment to do your reading. If you’re trying to squeeze it in during the middle of a hectic day, you may not be fully attending to what you’re reading. You will be trying to shift mental gears to take in the content, but your background attention is going to be on watching the clock.
3. Look for how what you are reading applies to your own life . People will approach self-help reading as a method for learning about others without necessarily thinking about how it applies to themselves. Couples reading this type of book will often be looking for information about their significant other while overlooking opportunities for self-insight.
I continue to do therapy and support groups from time to time and it always amazes me how someone can be in a group for a while and eventually make the comment, “I just can’t see how any of this relates to me.” Learning by association is a skill. It involves looking for common threads, parallel meanings. They are always there if you look for them .
Emotional pain is a common experience that connects us all. Conflict in relationships is an everyday occurrence. While individual problems may be different, the strategies for solving them are often usable across the board.
4. Consider using a highlighter or underline when you read . As you come across sections that strike a chord in you (whether because you are in strong agreement, or because it’s a new insight or perspective that deserves further thought, or something that would be great to share with another) highlight them so you can come back to them later. In this way you are making the book an easy reference for later use and incorporating the parts that have the most significance for you.
If you have identified the personally relevant highpoints for yourself in this book, you are much more likely to come back and reread it since you have markers to show you where to go. If you fail to highlight or underline you are less likely to expend the energy later to go back and search the pages to try to find the memorable parts. As a result, you may lose those insights over time as your memory of what you read fades.
5. Write down any insights you arrive at as you read . Different than highlighting, if a statement sets off a series of thoughts for you that leads to some relevant conclusions or understandings, take the time to actually write your thoughts down in a notebook. You’re not duplicating what’s already written, but rather the line of thinking that the written words inspired.
Often, I will ask clients to bring notebooks with them to sessions. This is because we will usually cover a lot of territory in a single session and there will probably be several relevant points or strategies identified. If the client is trying to retain it all without any source for hanging onto it other than by memory, much of it will often be lost.
Most people remember things based on what are called the “primacy” and “recency” effects. According to these “effects”, you tend to remember the beginning and the end of an event (in this case, the beginning or ending of a chapter) and forget what happened in the middle. Logging insights is one way of retaining that elusive middle.
6. Repetition is the key . The only way to keep something active in your mind in order to make a conscious change in your life is to review it. Again and again. Recent research says that what makes a new, healthier behavior likely to become a positive habit is the frequency with which that new behavior is practiced. 1
Just because you intellectually learn a strategy for controlling your anger, it will do you no good if it’s not actually applied. Think of it along the lines of the training that an athlete goes through. There is a repetition of exercises that train the body to do what it needs to do without thought. At first it is awkward, because the old thinking or behavior is stronger and more familiar. With repetition, however, we are carving a new pathway, one that initially requires intentional thought but which, over time, can develop into a pattern of response that becomes second nature.
7. There are exceptions to every rule . So, too, to everything in this book there is an exception. The reason I am making this point is because you need to read this book with discretion and creativity. The rules/tools listed here are guidelines with which you need to be flexible so that you can fine-tune them to fit your own relationship. The basis for each of the rules is sound, but try not to approach them so rigidly that you are trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. I recognize that there is no way I can write a book that covers every aspect of conflict that might arise. So try to be flexible in your thinking, finding creative ways to use the tools described.
8 . Don’t turn this into work . Make it something positive. You are much more likely to retain what you are reading if you give