Smart Stepmom

L. Deal Ron, Laura Petherbridge

Description

The stepmother's role often is ambiguous and underappreciated, and frequently it carries unrealistic expectations. The book answers women's concerns and questions, including: How can I be a caretaker and a key emotional connector in the family if the children don't accept my influence? How shoud I cope with children who are confused about their family and torn between loyalty to their biological mother and me? When should I step back in conflicts and when should I insist that my husband stand up for me? In addition it addresses the spiritual and emotional climate of the home, providing perspective and guidelines to help stepmothers and their families thrive.

Informations

• Publié par: Baker Publishing Group
• Date de parution: 01 octobre 2009
• Nombre de lectures: 0
• EAN13: 9781441210999
• Langue: English

Extrait

© 2009 by Ron L. Deal and Laura Petherbridge
Published by Bethany House Publishers 11400 Hampshire Avenue South Bloomington, Minnesota 55438 www.bethanyhouse.com
Bethany House Publishers is a division of Baker Publishing Group, Grand Rapids, Michigan. www.bakerpublishinggroup.com
Ebook edition created 2010
Ebook corrections 4.19.2012, 02.18.2022
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise—without the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is on file at the Library of Congress, Washington, DC.
ISBN 978-1-4412-1099-9
Unless otherwise identified, Scripture quotations are from the HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION. ® Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House. All rights reserved. www.zondervan.com
Scripture quotations identified KJV are from the King James Version of the Bible.
Scripture quotations identified NASB are taken from the NEW AMERICAN STANDARD BIBLE, ® Copyright © The Lockman Foundation 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995. Used by permission. www.lockman.com
Cover design by Eric Walljasper
DEDICATION
To my mother: Your presence is and has always been a warm blanket of love. Thank you.
And to all the stepmoms who shared their struggles, joys, and hopes with us—this book is for you.
Thank you for choosing to love.
—Ron
To my stepsons, Scott and Todd.
We have traveled this journey together.
For the times I was a wonderful stepmom—give God all the glory.
For the times I was a wicked stepmother—please forgive me.
—Laura
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Ron
I cannot write a book without support. If it weren’t for my loving children , Braden, Connor, and Brennan, and encouraging wife , Nan, there’s no way this project would have happened. I am truly grateful for your support through the years and am humbled by your love.
This project is fortunate to have Laura Petherbridge as coauthor. I am so grateful for her writing skills, guidance, and wisdom. This book wouldn’t be as practical or compelling without her contribution.
In addition, this book stands on the shoulders of thousands of stepmoms who have shared their struggles, victories, and hopes with us through the years. Your transparency will help countless other step-moms. Thank you.
And finally, much thanks to the Amarillo South Church for supporting my efforts to strengthen stepfamilies throughout the world.
Laura A special thanks to:
My friend and author Eva Marie Everson, you saw my potential and “showed me the ropes.”
The ladies in my writers’ group: Donna, Gloria, Laurie, LeAnne, Nicole, and Ruth. God used you to teach me how to write. You are true friends who have loved me in good times and bad.
My prayer team: Without you I’d be writing and speaking on my own strength—not a pretty picture.
My Web designer, Joanne Sample: You make my life so much easier and more colorful.
Sister stepmoms : You shared your pain and your passion, which made this book relevant for today’s issues. I’m so grateful.
Ron Deal, my friend and coauthor: I appreciate your huge heart for stepfamilies. Thanks for your confidence that we would make a good team on this project.
My precious husband, Steve: There is no one I’d rather be married to. You love me, and believe in me, like no one else.
My Savior, Jesus Christ: You are the reason I breathe.
From both of us:
Thanks to Kyle Duncan and Bethany House Publishers . We are grateful for your heart and vision for a group of books for stepfamilies. Thank you for paving the way to hope for so many throughout the world. A special thank-you to our editor, Ellen Chalifoux —you make us look good!
To our agents, Chip MacGregor and Wendy Lawton : We appreciate your knowledge, hard work, patience, and friendship.
Contents
Cover
Title Page
Copyright Page
Dedication
Acknowledgments
Section One: The Smart Stepmom: Who Is She?
Introduction
Chapter 1: Can You Hear Me Now?
Chapter 2: Can I Run Away From Home?
Chapter 3: The Wicked Stepmother: Did Disney Have Me in Mind?
Chapter 4: Understanding His Kids (Part 1): Loss, Grief, and Troubling Emotions
Chapter 5: Understanding His Kids (Part 2): Loyalty
Chapter 6: Partnering: Stepparenting Beside the Engaged or Disengaged Father
Section Two: Getting Smart: The Stepparenting Team
Chapter 7: Dad Smart (Part 1): She Can’t Do It Without You
Chapter 8: Dad Smart (Part 2): Pitfalls and Good Intentions
Chapter 9: Meet Your Ex-Wife-in-Law: Friend or Foe?
Chapter 10: Understanding Your Kids: What Do They Need?
Chapter 11: Kodak Moments: Vacations, Holidays, Mother’s Day, and Special Occasions
Chapter 12: Adult Stepchildren
Chapter 13: Baby Steps: Should We Have an “Ours” Baby?
Chapter 14: Smart Love
Recommended Stepmom Resources for Further Study
Notes
About the Authors
Books by Ron L. Deal
Back Ads
Back Cover
Section One The Smart Stepmom: Who is She?
INTRODUCTION
A counselor I (Ron) know opened a small envelope that arrived in his daily mail. The return address on the envelope and the Hallmark logo on the back told him it was a greeting card from former clients. Karen and Bill, 1 a stepfamily couple each with two children from previous relationships, had been married about six years. The couple initially came to therapy because Karen felt lonely and completely powerless in her home. “My husband’s ex-wife has more influence over what goes on in my home than I do,” she said in the first session. “Bill is caught between me, his kids, and his ex; I just don’t have a place. We’ve been married six years, and I still feel so small in this family.”
The counselor spent a number of sessions with the couple and their children working through issues. Karen seemed more optimistic about their future. The onset of summer brought added busyness to the couple so their counselor hadn’t heard from them in a while. He was pleased to receive the greeting card and was eager to catch up on how they were doing. He opened the envelope. The front of the card read “With Special Thanks.”
That’s a good sign, he thought. Things must be going pretty well. He turned to the inside of the card and began reading. “I just wanted to thank you for trying to help me and Bill in our marriage. Unfortunately I have filed for divorce. . . .” What? he thought. What happened to cause this downward turn? He called Karen and she explained. Stress had taken its toll, her husband was even less willing than before to support her role as stepmom, and her own children were showing signs of distress. She had lost hope. “It’s just so difficult being a stepmom,” she said. “I tried so hard not to get to this point. I’m tired, and I just don’t know what else to do. I’m going back to being a single mom.”
We don’t want this to happen to you.
One estimate suggests that the stepfamily will soon become (if it isn’t already) the most common family form in America, 2 and one conservative estimate suggests that there are between eleven and eighteen million stepmothers of children under the age of eighteen in the U.S. 3 Despite this prevalence, stepmothers don’t have a role model and often feel insignificant to their family. Peace, for many stepmothers, is ever elusive.
I (Ron) have been working with couples and families as a therapist and family educator for more than two decades. When I started speaking and writing specifically about the needs of stepfamilies in 1997, I had no idea how hungry stepfamily couples were for practical guidance. Due to the positive response, I began speaking around the country on a regular basis, started SuccessfulStepfamilies.com , conducted media interviews whenever I could, and wrote my first book, entitled The Smart Stepfamily: Seven Steps to a Healthy Family. I wanted stepfamilies to get smarter so they could beat the odds of divorce and find peace.
Today, through book and video resources, Web articles, a free monthly e-magazine, and marriage therapy intensives, Successful Stepfamilies is touching the lives of thousands on a regular basis. Yet despite these efforts, emails from around the world and stories about well-intentioned people like Karen taught me that our efforts were not enough. We had to do more.
Determined to offer more guidance, I again approached Bethany House Publishers with the idea to follow up The Smart Stepfamily with several more books for stepfamilies; they agreed. This first book is for you—the stepmom. Partnering with me on this project is my friend and co-champion for stepmoms, Laura Petherbridge. She is a divorce recovery expert featured on the DivorceCare DVD series that has equipped over 12,000 churches around the world, and she’s also the author of When “I Do” Becomes “I Don’t”: Practical Steps for Healing During Separation and Divorce. A professional speaker, Laura conducts seminars on women’s issues, divorce prevention, and spiritual growth. She has helped thousands of people walk through the transitions associated with divorce and remarriage. However, it’s her personal credentials that make her the perfect coauthor for this book. As a child Laura experienced the trauma of her parents’ divorce and later became a stepdaughter—twice. As an adult she has survived a divorce and has been a stepmother of two since 1985. Speaking as someone who has “been there, is doing that,” she brings much-needed practical insight and life-chiseled wisdom to this Smart Stepmom resource.
I FEEL SO ALONE
Each member of a stepfamily deserves attention and support, but as I listened to the voices of various stepfamily members speaking to me over the years, the one voice that has shouted for help louder than all the others is that of the stepmom. Ghastly images of wic