Dear Self

Silla Berg

Description

Dear Self,You are enough. You have always been enough. You will always be enough. I'm so proud of you. Always. I hope you know that. I'm proud of the courage and the tenacity you possess, along with all of your amazing accomplishments. I'm so immensely proud of all the love you've shared with others but most importantly with yourself. I love you. Flaws and imperfections included. I'm sorry it took me so long to learn how to fathom and praise all that you were, all that you are, and all that you will be.

Sujets

• Philosophie et théologie
• Memoir

Informations

• Publié par: Austin Macauley Publishers
• Date de parution: 10 décembre 2020
• Nombre de lectures: 1
• EAN13: 9781528982757
• Langue: English

Extrait

Dear Self
Silla Berg
Austin Macauley Publishers
2020-12-10
Dear Self Dear Self Hello Leaving Past Self Healing Present Self Breathing Future Self Goodbye
Silla Berg is an author, actress and a screenwriter from Iceland. She grew up in Vestmannaeyjar, a small island off the south coast of Iceland, which taught her to love and respect nature in all its forms. When she’s not working in the film industry or her latest writing idea, you can find her travelling, trying to see this world as much as she can or chasing either a sunrise or a sunset.
For the one who has always stared back in the mirror.
Copyright © Silla Berg (2020)
The right of Silla Berg to be identified as author of this work has been asserted by the author in accordance with section 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publishers.
Any person who commits any unauthorised act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.
A CIP catalogue record for this title is available from the British Library.
ISBN 9781528982740 (Paperback)
ISBN 9781528982757 (ePub e-book)
www.austinmacauley.com
First Published (2020)
Austin Macauley Publishers Ltd
25 Canada Square
Canary Wharf
London
E14 5LQ
There are so many people I owe thanks to, too many in fact. The people who have affected, influenced or changed my life to some or to a great extent. This book is the sum of all their stories interwoven into mine. I can’t name all the names but here are the ones I can:
To my family – Mom, thank you for bringing me into this world and teaching me that I have always been worthy of my dreams. My stepdad, Ragnar, thank you for coming into our lives and enriching our family. My brother, Árni and sister-in-law, Gulla, thank you for being my support system when I needed you the most. I couldn’t have done it without you. My dad and my brothers, thank you for showing me and helping me nurture all of my roots. You helped me grow. My cousin Lind and her boys, thank you for always holding out a helping hand. Thank you for making this world a little brighter every single day. To my nephew Hlynur, my angel, thank you for teaching me all of the things no one else could, especially when it comes to love. My heart is yours. Forever and always.
To my friends – Laura, thank you for being my girl and for seeing this world with me. It’s been my honour to grow into the woman I am today, with you by my side. Elisa, thank you for supporting me through all of it. My soul will forever be grateful it found yours. Sæunn, thank you for all of the phone calls, travels and read-throughs of my words. I hope our dreams continue to take us to all the places we have wished for and so much more. Arndís, thank you for being the soul sister I never knew I needed. Here’s to many more years evolving together. Liam, thank you for teaching me how happiness will always be reality over expectations. Here’s to making reality better than the expectations.
I think we tend to leave ourselves out of the acknowledgements and the thank-you lists even though we’re the ones who are there from start to finish, mixing together all of the work and effort to create pure magic. Therefore, last but certainly not least:
Dear Self , thank you for enduring what needed to be endured, in order for you to live what needed to be lived. It was all worth it.
Hello
Dear whoever is reading this,
Thank you for deciding to pick up this book. Out of thousands of titles out there, you chose this one. Thank you for choosing to read my words over all of the others. It means a lot. It means everything actually.
I wondered for the longest time if I should really do this or if it was just wishful thinking or if it’s time to head back to reality. Because, who was ever going to read my words?
How could I possibly sell a manuscript when I was as unknown and nameless as the majority of the sky’s stars? Because essentially, it all comes down to numbers, to profit. But now when I think of numbers, I think of the 4,513 people who check my Three AM Thoughts blog every day. The 4,513 people who are also dealing with something, who are in pain, whether that is in a form of a broken heart or a broken mind.
I think of the number of moments that change everything. Like the moment you learn your 13-year-old nephew goes from someone who has his whole life in front of him to someone who wants to end it. The moments you realise numbers aren’t just numbers but, as Jamie Tworkowski always says, “Living, breathing things.”
I believe big things start small and I think this might be one of those things, because this is more than just words on pages. This is my story and the stories of the people in my life. Many of those people are flawed and imperfect. People who have scars that have been stitched up, the people who taught me how scars remain to remind us that we lived through the pain, a reminder of how we survived.
Then, I started thinking that maybe there are others out there with exactly the same scars who are still bleeding and don’t know how to start healing because asking for help means admitting we’re not fine. We lie to ourselves as much as we lie to others, if not more.
This is an invitation to stop lying, to face the truth, to be honest and raw. It’s always easier when there’s someone there to guide you because it’s going to be messy, and you will shed some tears and maybe a little blood.
I believe our pain isn’t all that different from our happiness. It’s fleeting and meant to be shared with others.
Suffering in silence doesn’t suffice anymore because sometimes we need someone just to hold us and tell us it’s okay to feel whatever it is we’re feeling, someone who’s there. These words on these pages will be there when no one else is.
I tried beginning this book over what felt like a hundred times, and I have tried every possible narrative I knew, but nothing seemed to fit because I was always telling my story through someone else.
So, I took a step back, repeatedly. So often that it felt like I was not moving at all. But then I realised how sometimes the steps backwards were necessary, much needed in fact. Because sometimes, we need to take a step back to see which path belongs to us. Staying still helped me so much; it helped me unburden myself from everything, to take the pressure off. I started to write letters to my friends and family, pouring my heart out on every page. Writing down the words I could never say out loud, releasing them. Entrusting them in the right hands, forever.
I did this for everyone I loved except myself, and it got me thinking, why had I always treated myself like an afterthought? How I was always ready to jump for others, without ever being ready or willing to take the leap for myself.
I’ve always been an advocate for honesty. Emphasising the importance of being real in what often seems such a fake and artificial world. I would always demand two things from every relationship, whether it was romantic or platonic: honesty and respect, knowing the two were the foundations of trust and longevity.
However, I would continually find myself in situations where I was neither respected nor told the truth. Always repeating the same cycle over and over again. Only substituting the faces and places, yet still expecting different results.
That was until I sat down with myself in the silence, waiting for something, anything. Finally, listening to the voice inside myself I had ignored for so long, it told me, I couldn’t expect honesty or respect when I gave the gift of neither to myself.
So, here I am. Fingers trembling, heart shaking, breath uneven, feeling as naked as the day I was born. But this time around, I’m ready to be seen because I promised myself, I would finally have the overdue conversations, to write all the letters to myself which I had written for everyone else. I promised I would do this no matter how hard it would become. To say all the things, I had never dared to, neither out loud nor in the silence of my mind. Because life really is too short, too short not to get things off my chest, too short not to allow myself to be vulnerable, too short to hide from the ones I love again and again, especially myself. I promised and I’ve stopped making promises I can’t keep.
Reminder:
You are alive today.
And that will always be enough.
Leaving
February 1, 2017
Dear Self ,
can you hear me?
Every heartbeat.
You’ve been quiet,
too quiet.
I know.
I was worried.
There really was no need.
You’re not okay, are you?
You asked me never to
lie to you. So, no.
How much does it hurt today?
Like a swell of ten
feet waves.
Are you keeping your
head above water?
Barely.
How long until you
start sinking?
A couple of breaths.
I’m here now.
I’m glad you are.
Why are you drowning?
Because he left.
Who?
Another almost.
How much did he
take with him?
Almost everything.
What did he leave behind?
The smallest part.
The one which has always
belonged to you.
Did he dare touch it?
He left his fingerprints
on every surface.
How?
With his words.
Did they mean anything?
Nothing like I hoped
they would.
Did his actions
match his words?
The only thing he matched
was my silence when I
stopped reaching out.
Will you be okay?
Honestly?
Always.
I don’t know.
How long has it been?
I stopped waiting for a
reply on day fifteen.
And nothing?
Not even a word?
Not even a letter.
I’m sorry, it’s been
so long since I’ve
checked in.
It’s okay.
I’m used to it.
You shouldn’t be.
It is what it is.
I really was going
to be here more.
What happened?
Life, I guess.
Just everyone wanting
something from me.
I see.
We’re both here now.
We