Mad. Sad, Dysfunctional Dad

Stephen Gillatt

Description

At least a quarter of people are living with mental health problems. Few still talk about their problems, and even fewer write them down. And hold nothing back. But if people are going to get better and suicide rates reduce; it's time for society to change. And not be afraid anymore...Talking changes lives.I have been living with mental health problems for twenty-five years. This is my story.

Sujets

• Philosophie et théologie
• Memoir

Informations

• Publié par: The Conrad Press
• Date de parution: 09 juillet 2019
• Nombre de lectures: 0
• EAN13: 9781913227142
• Langue: English

Extrait

Mad, sad, dysfunctional dad
Stephen Gillatt


Mad, sad, dysfunctional dad
Published by The Conrad Press in the United Kingdom 2019
Tel: [phone] www.theconradpress.com [e-mail]
ISBN 978-1-1913227-14-2
Copyright © Stephen Gillatt, 2019
The moral right of Stephen Gillatt to be identified as author of this work has been asserted in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.
All rights reserved.
Typesetting and Cover Design by: Charlotte Mouncey, www.bookstyle.co.uk
The Conrad Press logo was designed by Maria Priestley.


To my amazing wife and beautiful children – without you I’d be nothing.
I love you all so much x
To my mum and dad – thank you for putting up with me, guiding me, for everything x
This is for everyone; fathers, people who have or are living with mental illness, and the amazing partners, family, friends and professionals who love and support us.
Just, thank you x


Friday August 18, 2017…
Pre-therapy assessment questionnaire…
What is the problem you are seeking help with and why did you consider seeking help at this time? Depression, social anxiety, low self-esteem (no self-esteem), self-loathing, guilt and inferiority complex, paranoia, mania/mood swings, irrational thoughts, difficulty making eye contact, insomnia. Thoughts of self-harm.
How does it make you feel emotionally? A failure as a husband, father, brother and son, trapped, like I have no direction in life, I have a job but not a career, I’m not actually good at anything. Very dark moods, disgusted with myself and every aspect of my life, that my wife would be better off without me, and that I don’t deserve my life, and should end it. Physically my sleeping and eating are both very erratic. I don’t shave often or use mirrors, I suffer from very bad tension heads – like it’s pressed in a vice, my weight and mood yo-yo’s. As well as short term memory blackouts and am very short tempered.
How do you currently cope? Walks, herbal drops, time away from social situations, not using mirrors, fishing when I can, speaking to family and friends, sometimes alcohol, sometimes to very excessive levels.
What goes through your mind at the time? (E.g. thoughts, images, worries) The oblivion of death, losing my wife and daughters, them being better off when I’m dead. Losing my job/home, my children getting terminal illnesses, being rubbish at my job, drifting through life, having no skill set. That few people care or understand me, that my wife deserves someone better, that she’ll eventually leave me, and that I’ll deserve it. And if my life just needs ending.
How long have you been feeling this way? I said six years. But my suicide attempt was ten years ago - before I left my first wife. I think I’ve had trust issues with women all my life. And that has flooded into the rest of my relationships, and the rest of my life.
Are you currently, or have you in the past, been involved with other services or talking therapies (e.g. social services, community mental health team, private counselling) Yes, I was referred to FCS talking therapies last July. This time I self-referred
How much alcohol do you usually drink in a week? What is your drinking pattern? (E.g. only in the evening, frequency of drinking etc.) Either a Friday or Saturday night, after the girls are in bed – the amount can vary, to a glass of port, to bottles of wine, or large amounts of rum. Although until recently I’d cut down quite a lot. And was losing weight.
Do you use recreational drugs? If so what and how often? No, I haven’t for many years.
In order to know you are getting better, what would you like to be doing in the next couple of months that you are not able to do at the moment because of your difficulties? Enjoying my family time rather than feeling disconnected and pre-occupied, looking for a new career, fishing, not always worrying about my career, life, failure. Not feeling I must justify everything I do every second of every day. Feeling less manic, worried, paranoid and restless.
Have you been experiencing any thoughts of harming yourself or plans to end your life? I did make one attempt about ten years ago. I washed down a lot of Paracetamol and Ibuprofen with a litre of vodka. And when I passed out, honestly didn’t think I’d wake up. I was prepared not to. About six months ago I put a large knife into my gut in the kitchen. I stopped when the pain got very bad, although I did draw blood. A couple of months ago while walking to work I saw an empty beer bottle on a wall. I wondered what it would feel like if I broke the bottle and rammed it in my throat and if it would kill me. I crossed the road, picked it up for maybe a minute, then put it down and carried on walking.
Have you been experiencing any thoughts of harming any other person? No.
This is the second time I’ve gone into therapy in fourteen months…
But let’s start from the beginning…


Introduction
I’d known for a long time I wasn’t well – years, decades. But I was too stubborn, and proud, to admit it. I also didn’t understand what was wrong. But I didn’t want to, or couldn’t, look into myself for answers. I went months and months, never using mirrors. I just used to make jokes. Saying I didn’t care about how my hair looked, or if my shirt was ironed. But it went deeper than that. I didn’t want to look at myself in the mirror. And face my demons…
Why would I? I’d always been a lover of people and parties. First there, last to leave. Full of life - I’d do anything for anyone. But things, and people, are rarely what, or who they seem.
Attack is the best form of defence, right? If you’re always taking an interest in others, it deflects the spotlight from you. I wanted to make people happy. To create memories and moments people would remember. It gets to the stage you almost become an enigma. People lose touch with the real you. And more importantly, you lose touch with the real you.
My name is Stephen Roger (hate it, because people ridiculed me for years, no idea why) Gillatt and I was born on March 6, 1979. In many ways I’m one of the luckiest men in the world. I grew up in a loving family home. I’m the eldest of three siblings. I have two younger sisters.
I have few early childhood memories. I was average, academically. I wasted a grammar school education - leaving after my GCSE exams, most of which I attended high on weed… I remember turning up to at least one without even a pen. Outstanding! Despite my buffoonery, I still managed to pass eight of them.
When I was seventeen I went to live in France as part of my college catering course. Up until I went to therapy, I blamed my family for making me come home. I loved it there. I wasn’t bothered about England. Or the people I’d left behind. Until a few years ago I never really felt I had any roots.
After dropping out of university I did loads of bar work. I’ve worked in most pubs in my town. Fired from some and carried out of others. When I was young my neighbour was my best friend. Back then we played in their garden. As we got older we both moved. And it was, and still is, fishing and beer. One Christmas Eve we were on a mission. A group of us had been drinking all day. It was snowy and icy underfoot. We left the boozer near my house hammered and he went for an impromptu piggy back. I collapsed under his weight and went face first into the road. The result you ask? He dumped me on my doorstep and rang the bell. My dad helped me up the stairs. I had a blended Christmas dinner.
My dad still calls me Oliver Reed.
I worked in catering for many years. But quit that. The hours were horrendous. After travelling in South America, I started working for a small consultancy firm. I was there for five or six years. During which time I met, married, and separated from my first wife. I also travelled on my own to the 2005 Champions League final in Istanbul, via Bulgaria - a truly epic trip.
Then in May 2009 I met my beautiful, current wife. I was doing the walk of shame through town one Saturday morning. And I bumped in to my sister and her friend, who I couldn’t take my eyes off. I arranged to meet them later in the day. I couldn’t stop thinking about her. And when we met up later that day we clicked; there was electricity and chemistry. And we’ve been together ever since. She’s the most amazing, beautiful, strong, caring woman I’ve ever met. My mates always said I was, and still am, punching above my weight... I can’t argue…
We were married on April 4, 2012 at a private local beach in Negril, Jamaica. Called Half Moon Beach, owned by a lovely couple who treated us like family. It’s one of the most beautiful places on earth and I’ve been lucky to travel a bit.They created an experience we’ll never forget. To them, and our wedding planner, we will be forever grateful. And we love you xx
On January 6, 2014, our first beautiful daughter was born. Those first few moments in the delivery room are simply indescribable. Becoming a dad is the most amazing honour. And by the end of this book I’ll be a dad for the second time.
At times I felt and still feel, so desperately alone. Even when surrounded by people who love me. Hated myself because I felt nothing I did was good enough. Countless sleepless nights - loathing myself because I couldn’t provide what I wanted to for my family - wracked with guilt that I was letting my dad down. Along with everyone else.
So, the suicidal thoughts and attempt. You must be wondering… Don’t feel uncomfortable or guilty. That’s the point of this whole thing – to provoke a thought; a response; or an uncomfortable, but perhaps important realisation, empath