Lincoln's Yarns and Stories: a complete collection of the funny and witty anecdotes that made Lincoln famous as America's greatest story teller

Alexander K. (Alexander Kelly) Mcclure

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• Publié par: olli
• Publié le: 08 décembre 2010
• Nombre de lectures: 28
• Langue: English

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Project Gutenberg's Lincoln's Yarns and Stories, by Alexander K. McClure This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org Title: Lincoln's Yarns and Stories Author: Alexander K. McClure Release Date: December 23, 2008 [EBook #2517] Language: English Character set encoding: ASCII *** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LINCOLN'S YARNS AND STORIES *** Produced by Dianne Bean, and David Widger LINCOLN'S YARNS AND STORIES A Complete Collection of the Funny and Witty Anecdotes that made Abraham Lincoln Famous as America's Greatest Story Teller With Introduction and Anecdotes By Alexander K. McClure Profusely Illustrated THE JOHN C. WINSTON COMPANY CHICAGO & PHILADELPHIA ABRAHAM LINCOLN, the Great Story Telling President, whose Emancipation Proclamation freed more than four million slaves, was a keen politician, profound statesman, shrewd diplomatist, a thorough judge of men and possessed of an intuitive knowledge of affairs. He was the first Chief Executive to die at the hands of an assassin. Without school education he rose to power by sheer merit and will-power. Born in a Kentucky log cabin in 1809, his surroundings being squalid, his chances for advancement were apparently hopeless. President Lincoln died April 15th, 1865, having been shot by J. Wilkes Booth the night before. Contents ANGELS COULDN'T SWEAR IT RIGHT. "MUST GO, AND GO TO STAY." LINCOLN WASN'T BUYING NOMINATIONS. HE ENVIED THE SOLDIER AT THE FRONT. DON'T TRUST TOO FAIL HE'D "RISK THE DICTATORSHIP." "MAJOR GENERAL, I RECKON." WOULD SEE THE TRACKS. "ABE" GAVE HER A "SURE TIP." THE PRESIDENT HAD KNOWLEDGE OF HIM. ONLY HALF A MAN. PREFACE. LINCOLN'S NAME AROUSES AN AUDIENCE LINCOLN AND McCLURE. "ABE" LINCOLN'S YARNS AND STORIES. LINCOLN ASKED TO BE SHOT. TIME LOST DIDN'T COUNT. NO VICES, NO VIRTUES. LINCOLN'S DUES. "DONE WITH THE BIBLE." HIS KNOWLEDGE OF HUMAN NATURE. A MISCHIEVOUS OX. THE PRESIDENTIAL "CHIN-FLY." 'SQUIRE BAGLY'S PRECEDENT. GRANT CONGRATULATED LINCOLN. "BRUTUS AND CAESAR." HOW STANTON GOT INTO THE CABINET. "ABE" LIKE HIS FATHER. "NO MOON AT ALL." "ABE" A SUPERB MIMIC. WHY HE WAS CALLED "HONEST ABE." "ABE'S" NAME REMAINED ON THE SIGN. VERY HOMELY AT FIRST SIGHT. THE MAN TO TRUST. "WUZ GOIN' TER BE 'HITCHED."' 'SQUIRE BAGLY'S PRECEDENT. HE'D NEED HIS GUN. KEPT UP THE ARGUMENT. EQUINE INGRATITUDE. 'TWAS "MOVING DAY." "ABE'S" HAIR NEEDED COMBING. WOULD "TAKE TO THE WOODS." LINCOLN CARRIED HER TRUNK. BOAT HAD TO STOP. MCCLELLAN'S "SPECIAL TALENT." HOW "JAKE" GOT AWAY. MORE LIGHT AND LESS NOISE. ONE BULLET AND A HATFUL. LINCOLN'S STORY TO PEACE COMMISSIONERS. "ABE" GOT THE WORST OF IT. IT DEPENDED UPON HIS CONDITION. "GOT DOWN TO THE RAISINS." "HONEST ABE" SWALLOWS HIS ENEMIES. SAVING HIS WIND. RIGHT FOR, ONCE, ANYHOW. "PITY THE POOR ORPHAN." A LOW-DOWN TRICK. END FOR END. LET SIX SKUNKS GO. HOW HE GOT BLACKSTONE. A JOB FOR THE NEW CABINETMAKER. "I CAN STAND IT IF THEY CAN." LINCOLN MISTAKEN FOR ONCE. FORGOT EVERYTHING HE KNEW. HE LOVED A GOOD STORY. HEELS RAN AWAY WITH THEM. WANTED TO BURN HIM DOWN TO THE STUMP. HAD A "KICK" COMING. THE CASE OF BETSY ANN DOUGHERTY. HAD TO WEAR A WOODEN SWORD. "ABE" STIRRING THE "BLACK" COALS. GETTING RID OF AN ELEPHANT. GROTESQUE, YET FRIGHTFUL. "ABE" WAS NO DUDE. CHARACTERISTIC OF LINCOLN. HE PROPOSED TO SAVE THE UNION. THE SAME OLD RUM. SAVED LINCOLN'S LIFE WOULD NOT RECALL A SINGLE WORD. OLD BROOM BEST AFTER ALL. GOD WITH A LITTLE "g." "ABE'S" LOG. IT WAS A FINE FIZZLE. A TEETOTALER. NOT TO "OPEN SHOP" THERE. WE HAVE LIBERTY OF ALL KINDS. TOM CORWINS'S LATEST STORY. "CATCH 'EM AND CHEAT 'EM." A JURYMAN'S SCORN. HE "BROKE" TO WIN. WANTED HER CHILDREN BACK. SIX FEET FOUR AT SEVENTEEN. HAD RESPECT FOR THE EGGS. HOW WAS THE MILK UPSET? "PULLED FODDER" FOR A BOOK. PRAISES HIS RIVAL FOR OFFICE. ONE THING "ABE" DIDN'T LOVE. THE MODESTY OF GENIUS. WHY SHE MARRIED HIM. NIAGARA FALLS. MADE IT HOT FOR LINCOLN. WOULDN'T HOLD TITLE AGAINST HIM. ONLY ONE LIFE TO LIVE. COULDN'T LOCATE HIS BIRTHPLACE. "SAMBO" WAS "AFEARED." WHEN MONEY MIGHT BE USED. "ABE" WAS NO BEAUTY. "HE'S JUST BEAUTIFUL." BIG ENOUGH HOG FOR HIM. "ABE" OFFERS A SPEECH FOR SOMETHING TO EAT. THEY UNDERSTOOD EACH OTHER. FEW FENCE RAILS LEFT. THE "GREAT SNOW" OF 1830-31. CREDITOR PAID DEBTORS DEBT. HELPED OUT THE SOLDIERS. "PLOUGH ALL 'ROUND HIM." "I'VE LOST MY APPLE." LOST HIS CERTIFICATE OF CHARACTER. NOTE PRESENTED FOR PAYMENT. DOG WAS A "LEETLE BIT AHEAD." "ABE'S" FIGHT WITH NEGROES. NOISE LIKE A TURNIP. WARDING OFF GOD'S VENGEANCE. JEFF DAVIS AND CHARLES THE FIRST. LOVED SOLDIERS' HUMOR. BAD TIME FOR A BARBECUE. HE'D SEE IT AGAIN. CALL ANOTHER WITNESS. A CONTEST WITH LITTLE "TAD." REMINDED HIM OF "A LITTLE STORY." "FETCHED SEVERAL SHORT ONES." LINCOLN LUGS THE OLD MAN. McCLELLAN WAS "INTRENCHING." MAKE SOMETHING OUT OF IT, ANYWAY. VICIOUS OXEN HAVE SHORT HORNS. LINCOLN'S NAME FOR "WEEPING WATER." PETER CARTWRIGHT'S DESCRIPTION OF LINCOLN. NO DEATHS IN HIS HOUSE. PAINTED HIS PRINCIPLES. DIGNIFYING THE STATUTE. LINCOLN CAMPAIGN MOTTOES. GIVING AWAY THE CASE. POSING WITH A BROOMSTICK. "BOTH LENGTH AND BREADTH." "ABE" RECITES A SONG. "MANAGE TO KEEP HOUSE." GRANT "TUMBLED" RIGHT AWAY. "DON'T KILL HIM WITH YOUR FIST." COULD BE ARBITRARY. A GENERAL BUSTIFICATION. MAKING QUARTERMASTERS. NO POSTMASTERS IN HIS POCKET. HE "SKEWED" THE LINE. "WHEREAS," HE STOLE NOTHING. NOT LIKE THE POPE'S BULL. HELPED OUT THE SOLDIERS. EVERY FELLOW FOR HIMSELF. "BUTCHER-KNIFE BOYS" AT THE POLLS. NO "SECOND COMING" FOR SPRINGFIELD. HOW HE WON A FRIEND. NEVER SUED A CLIENT. THE LINCOLN HOUSEHOLD GOODS. RUNNING THE MACHINE. WAS "BOSS" WHEN NECESSARY. "RATHER STARVE THAN SWINDLE." DON'T AIM TOO HIGH. NOT MUCH AT RAIL-SPLITTING. GAVE THE SOLDIER THE PREFERENCE. THE PRESIDENT WAS NOT SCARED. JEFF. DAVIS' REPLY TO LINCOLN. LINCOLN WAS a GENTLEMAN. HIS POOR RELATIONS. DESERTER'S SINS WASHED OUT IN BLOOD. SURE CURE FOR BOILS. PAY FOR EVERYTHING. BASHFUL WITH LADIES. SAW HUMOR IN EVERYTHING. SPECIFIC FOR FOREIGN "RASH." FAVORED THE OTHER SIDE. LINCOLN AND THE "SHOW" "MIXING" AND "MINGLING." TOOK PART OF THE BLAME. THOUGHT OF LEARNING A TRADE. LINCOLN DEFENDS FIFTEEN MRS. NATIONS. AVOIDED EVEN APPEARANCE OF EVIL WAR DIDN'T ADMIT OF HOLIDAYS. "NEUTRALITY." DAYS OF GLADNESS PAST. WOULDN'T TAKE THE MONEY. GRANT HELD ON ALL THE TIME. CHEWED THE CUD IN SOLITUDE. "ABE'S" YANKEE INGENUITY. LINCOLN PAID HOMAGE TO COULD HE TELL? DARNED UNCOMFORTABLE SITTING. "WHAT'S-HIS-NAME" GOT THERE. A REALLY GREAT GENERAL. "SHRUNK UP NORTH." LINCOLN ADOPTED THE SUGGESTION. SOMETHING FOR EVERYONE. TOO MANY PIGS FOR THE TEATS. GREELEY CARRIES LINCOLN TO THE LUNATIC ASYLUM. THE LAST TIME HE SAW DOUGLAS. HURT HIS LEGS LESS. A LITTLE SHY OR GRAMMAR. HIS FIRST SATIRICAL WRITING. LIKELY TO DO IT. "THE ENEMY ARE 'OURN'" "AND—HERE I AM!" SAFE AS LONG AS THEY WERE GOOD. "SMELT NO ROYALTY IN OUR CARRIAGE." HELL A MILE FROM THE WHITE HOUSE. HIS "GLASS HACK" LEAVE HIM KICKING. "WHO COMMENCED THIS FUSS?" "ABE'S" LITTLE JOKE. WHAT SUMMER THOUGHT. A USELESS DOG. ORIGIN OF THE "INFLUENCE" STORY. FELT SORRY FOR BOTH. WHERE DID IT COME FROM? "LONG ABE" FOUR YEARS LONGER. "ALL SICKER'N YOUR MAN." EASIER TO EMPTY THE POTOMAC. HE WANTED A STEADY HAND. LINCOLN SAW STANTON ABOUT IT. MRS. LINCOLN'S SURPRISE. MENACE TO THE GOVERNMENT. TROOPS COULDN'T FLY OVER IT. PAT WAS "FORNINST THE GOVERNMENT." "CAN'T SPARE THIS MAN." HIS TEETH CHATTERED. "AARON GOT HIS COMMISSION." LINCOLN PAID HOMAGE TO WASHINGTON. STIRRED EVEN THE REPORTERS. WHEN "ABE" CAME IN. ETERNAL FIDELITY TO THE CAUSE OF LIBERTY. "ABE'S" "DEFALCATIONS." HE WASN'T GUILELESS. SWEET, BUT MILD REVENGE. DIDN'T TRUST THE COURT. HANDSOMEST MAN ON EARTH. THAT COON CAME DOWN. WROTE "PIECES" WHEN VERY YOUNG. "TRY TO STEER HER THROUGH." GRAND, GLOOMY AND PECULIAR. ON THE WAY TO GETTYSBURG. STOOD UP THE LONGEST. A MORTIFYING EXPERIENCE. NO HALFWAY BUSINESS. DISCOURAGED LITIGATION. GOING HOME TO GET READY. "THE 'RAIL-SPUTTER' REPAIRING THE UNION." "FIND OUT FOR YOURSELVES." ROUGH ON THE NEGRO. CHALLENGED ALL COMERS. "GOVERNMENT RESTS IN PUBLIC OPINION." HURRY MIGHT MAKE TROUBLE. SAW HIMSELF DEAD. EVERY LITTLE HELPED. ABOUT TO LAY DOWN THE BURDEN. LINCOLN WOULD HAVE PREFERRED DEATH. "PUNCH" AND HIS LITTLE PICTURE. FASCINATED By THE WONDERFUL "WHY DON'T THEY COME!" GRANT'S BRAND OF WHISKEY. HIS FINANCIAL STANDING. THE DANDY AND THE BOYS. "SOME UGLY OLD LAWYER." GOOD MEMORY OF NAMES. SETTLED OUT OF COURT. LINCOLN AND THE MINISTERS. HARDTACK BETTER THAN GENERALS. GOT THE PREACHER. BIG JOKE ON HALLECK. STORIES BETTER THAN DOCTORS. SHORT, BUT EXCITING. MR. BULL DIDN'T GET HIS COTTON. STICK TO AMERICAN PRINCIPLES. USED "RUDE TACT." "ABE" ON A WOODPILE. TAKING DOWN A DANDY. WHEN OLD ABE GOT MAD. WANTED TO "BORROW" THE ARMY. YOUNG "SUCKER" VISITORS. "AND YOU DON'T WEAR HOOPSKIRTS." LIEUTENANT TAD LINCOLN'S SENTINELS. DOUGLAS HELD LINCOLN'S HAT. THE DEAD MAN SPOKE. MILITARY SNAILS NOT SPEEDY. OUTRAN THE JACK-RABBIT. "FOOLING" THE PEOPLE. "ABE, YOU CAN'T PLAY THAT ON ME." HIS "BROAD" STORIES. SORRY FOR THE HORSES. MILD REBUKE TO A DOCTOR. COLD MOLASSES WAS SWIFTER. LINCOLN CALLS MEDILL A COWARD. THEY DIDN'T BUILD IT. STANTON'S ABUSE OF LINCOLN. THE NEGRO AND THE CROCODILE. LINCOLN WAS READY TO FIGHT. IT WAS UP-HILL WORK. LEE'S SLIM ANIMAL. "MRS. NORTH AND HER ATTORNEY." SATISFACTION TO THE SOUL. WITHDREW THE COLT. "TAD" GOT HIS DOLLAR. TELLS AN EDITOR ABOUT NASBY. LONG AND SHORT OF IT. MORE PEGS THAN HOLES. "WEBSTER COULDN'T HAVE DONE MORE." SETTLED OUT OF COURT. THE FIVE POINTS SUNDAY SCHOOL. SENTINEL OBEYED ORDERS. WHY LINCOLN GROWED WHISKERS. LINCOLN AS A DANCER. SIMPLY PRACTICAL HUMANITY. HAPPY FIGURES OF SPEECH. A FEW "RHYTHMIC SHOTS." OLD MAN GLENN'S RELIGION. LAST ACTS OF MERCY. JUST LIKE SEWARD. A CHEERFUL PROSPECT. THOUGHT GOD WOULD HAVE TOLD HIM. LINCOLN AND A BIBLE HER