Little Masterpieces of American Wit and Humor - Volume I

Various

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• Publié par: zean
• Publié le: 08 décembre 2010
• Nombre de lectures: 39
• Langue: English

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Project Gutenberg's Little Masterpieces of American Wit and Humor, by Various This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.net Title: Little Masterpieces of American Wit and Humor Volume I Author: Various Editor: Thomas L. Masson Release Date: April 21, 2007 [EBook #21196] Language: English Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 *** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK AMERICAN WIT AND HUMOR *** Produced by Bryan Ness, Janet Blenkinship and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net Little Masterpieces of American Wit and Humor Edited by Thomas L. Masson VOLUME I By Washington Irving Benjamin Oliver Wendell Holmes "Josh Billings" Franklin "Mark Twain" James T. Fields "Josh Billings" Charles Dudley Warner Henry Ward Beecher and others Copyright, 1903, by D OUBLEDAY, PAGE & C OMPANY Published, October, 1903 INTRODUCTION This anthology of American Humor represents a process of selection that has been going on for more than fifteen years, and in giving it to the public it is perhaps well that the Editor should precede it with a few words of explanation as to its meaning and scope. Not only all that is fairly representative of the work of our American humorists, from Washington Irving to "Mr. Dooley," has been gathered together, but also much that is merely fugitive and anecdotal. Thus, in many instances literary finish has been ignored in order that certain characteristic and purely American bits should have their place. The Editor is not unmindful of the danger of this plan. For where there is such a countless number of witticisms (so-called) as are constantly coming to the surface, and where so many of them are worthless, it must always take a rare discrimination to detect the genuine from the false. This difficulty is greatly increased by the difference of opinion that exists, even among the elect, with regard to the merit of particular jokes. To paraphrase an old adage, what is one man's laughter may be another man's dirge. The Editor desires to make it plain, however, that the responsibility in this particular instance is entirely his own. He has made his selections without consulting any one, knowing that if a consultation of experts should attempt to decide about the contents of a volume of American humor, no volume would ever be published. The reader will doubtless recognize, in this anthology, many old friends. He may also be conscious of omissions. These omissions are due either to the restrictions of publishers, or the impossibility of obtaining original copies, or the limited space. ACKNOWLEDGMENTS Acknowledgments are made herewith to the following publishers, who have kindly consented to allow the reproduction of the material designated. F. A. STOKES & C OMPANY , New York: "A Rhyme for Priscilla," F. D. Sherman; "The Bohemians of Boston," Gelett Burgess; "A Kiss in the Rain," "Bessie Brown, M. D.," S. M. Peck. D ODD, M EAD & C OMPANY , New York: Four Extracts, E. W. Townsend ("Chimmie Fadden"). BOWEN-MERRILL COMPANY , Indianapolis: "The Elf Child," "A Liz-Town Humorist," James Whitcomb Riley. LEE & SHEPARD, Boston: "The Meeting of the Clabberhuses," "A Philosopher," "The Ideal Husband to His Wife," "The Prayer of Cyrus Brown," "A Modern Martyrdom," S. W. Foss; "After the Funeral," "What He Wanted It For," J. M. Bailey. BACHELLER, OHNSON & ACHELLER J B , New Composite Ghost," Marion Couthouy Smith. York: "The D. PPLETON & OMPANY A C , New York: "Illustrated Newspapers," "Tushmaker's Tooth-puller," G. H. Derby ("John Phœnix"). T. B.ETERSON & OMPANY P C , Philadelphia: Breitmann's Party," "Ballad," C. G. Leland. "Hans C ENTURY C OMPANY , New York: "Miss Malony on the Chinese Question," Mary Mapes Dodge; "The Origin of the Banjo," Irwin Russell; "The Walloping Window-Blind," Charles E. Carryl; "The Patriotic Tourist," "What's in a Name?" "'Tis Ever Thus," R. K. Munkittrick. FORBES & C OMPANY , Chicago: "If I Should Die To-Night," "The Pessimist," Ben King. J. S. OGILVIE & C OMPANY , New York: Three Short Extracts, C. B. Lewis ("Mr. Bowser"). THE CHELSEA COMPANY , New York: "The Society Reporter's Christmas," "The Dying Gag," James L. Ford. KEPPLER & SCHWARZMANN, New York: "Love Letters of Smith," H. C. Bunner. SMALL, M AYNARD & C OMPANY , Boston: "On Gold-Seeking," "On Expert Testimony," F. P. Dunne ("Mr. Dooley"); "Tale of the Kennebec Mariner," "Grampy Sings a Song," "Cure for Homesickness," Holman F. Day. BELFORD, CLARKE & COMPANY , Chicago: "A Fatal Thirst," "On Cyclones," Bill Nye. D UQUESNE ISTRIBUTING OMPANY D C , Harmanville, Pennsylvania: "In Society," William J. Kountz, Jr. (from the bound edition of "Billy Baxter's Letters"). R. H. R USSELL , New York: Nonsense Verses—"Impetuous Samuel," "Misfortunes Never Come Singly," "Aunt Eliza," "Susan"; "The City as a Summer Resort," "Avarice and Generosity," "Work and Sport," "Home Life of Geniuses," F. P. Dunne ("Mr. Dooley"); "My Angeline," Harry B. Smith. H. S. STONE & C OMPANY , Chicago: "The Preacher Who Flew His Kite." "The Fable of the Caddy," "The Two Mandolin Players," George Ade. AMERICAN UBLISHING CMPANY P O , Hartford: "A Pleasure Excursion," "An Unmarried Female," Marietta Holley; "Colonel Sellers," "Mark Twain." G. P. PUTNAM'S SONS , New York: "Living in the Country," "A Glass of Water," "A Family Horse," F. S. Cozzens. GEORGE D ILLINGHAM , New York: "Natral and Unnatral Aristocrats," "To Correspondents," "The Bumblebee," "Josh Billings"; "Among the Spirits," "The Shakers," "A. W. to His Wife," "Artemus Ward and the Prince of Wales," "A Visit to Brigham Young," "The Tower of London," "One of Mr. Ward's Business Letters," "On 'Forts,'" Artemus Ward; "At the Musicale," "At the Races," Geo. V. Hobart ("John Henry"). THOMPSON & THOMAS , Chicago: "How to Hunt the Fox," Bill Nye. LITTLE, B ROWN & OMPANY C , Boston: "Street Scenes in Washington," Louisa May Alcott. E. H. BACON & C OMPANY , Boston: "A Boston Lullaby," James Jeffrey Roche. H OUGHTON, M IFFLIN & C OMPANY , Boston: "My Aunt," "The Wonderful One-hoss Shay," "Foreign Correspondence," "Music-Pounding" (extract), "The Ballad of the Oysterman," "Dislikes" (short extract), "The Height of the Ridiculous," "An Aphorism and a Lecture," O. W. Holmes; "The Yankee Recruit," "What Mr. Robinson Thinks," "The Courtin'," "A Letter from Mr. Ezekiel Bigelow," "Without and Within," J. R. Lowell; "Five Lives," "Eve's Daughter," E. R. Sill; "The Owl-Critic," "The Alarmed Skipper," James T. Fields; "My Summer in a Garden," "Plumbers," "How I Killed a Bear," C. D. Warner; "Little Breeches," John Hay; "The Stammering Wife," "Coquette," "My Familiar," "Early Rising," J. G. Saxe; "The Diamond Wedding," E. C. Stedman; "Melons," "Society Upon the Stanislaus," "The Heathen Chinee," "To the Pliocene Skull," Bret Harte; "The Total Depravity of Inanimate Things," K. K. C. Walker; "Palabras Grandiosas," Bayard Taylor; "Mrs. Johnson," William Dean Howells; "A Plea for Humor," Agnes Repplier; "The Minister's Wooing," Harriet Beecher Stowe. In addition, the Editor desires to make his personal acknowledgments to the following authors: F. P. Dunne, Mary Mapes Dodge, Gelett Burgess, R. K. Munkittrick, E. W. Townsend, F. D. Sherman. For such small paragraphs, anecdotes and witticisms as have been used in these volumes, acknowledgment is hereby made to the following newspapers and periodicals: Chicago Record, Boston Globe, Texas Siftings, New Orleans Times Democrat, Providence Journal, New York Evening Sun , Atlanta Constitution, Macon Telegraph, New Haven Register , Chicago Times, Analostan Magazine, Harper's Bazaar , Florida Citizen, Saturday Evening Post , Chicago Times Herald, Washington Post, Cleveland Plain Dealer , New York Tribune , Chicago Tribune, Pittsburg Bulletin, Philadelphia Ledger , Youth's Companion, Harper's Magazine, Duluth Evening Herald, Boston Medical and Surgical Journal, Washington Times, Rochester Budget , Bangor News, Boston Herald, Pittsburg Dispatch, Christian Advocate, Troy Times, Boston Beacon, New Haven News, New York Herald , Philadelphia Call, Philadelphia News, Erie Dispatch, Town Topics, Buffalo Courier , Life, San Francisco Wave, Boston Home Journal, Puck , Washington Hatchet, Detroit Free Press , Babyhood, Philadelphia Press, Judge, New York Sun , Minneapolis Journal, San Francisco Argonaut, St. Louis Sunday Globe , Atlanta Constitution, Buffalo Courier , New York Weekly , Starlight Messenger (St Peter, Minn.). CONTENTS WASHINGTON IRVING Wouter Van Twiller Wilhelmus Kieft Peter Stuyvesant Antony Van Corlear General Van Poffenburgh BENJAMIN FRANKLIN Maxims Model of a Letter of Recommendation of a Person You Are Unacquainted with Epitaph for Himself WILLIAM ALLEN BUTLER Nothing to Wear HENRY WARD BEECHER Deacon Marble The Deacon's Trout The Dog Noble and the Empty Hole ALBERT GORTON GREENE Old Grimes OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES My Aunt The Deacon's Masterpiece; or, the Wonderful "One-hoss Shay" Foreign Correspondence Music-Pounding The Ballad of the Oysterman NATHANIEL PARKER WILLIS Miss Albina McLush Love in a Cottage WILLIAM PITT PALMER A Smack in School B. P. SHILLABER ("Mrs. Partington") 56 51 125 49 63 106 109 142 45 39 41 43 24 21 21 22 1 8 13 15 18 Fancy Diseases Bailed Out Seeking a Comet Going to California Mrs. Partington in Court EDWARD ROWLAND SILL Five Lives JAMES T. FIELDS The Owl-Critic The Alarmed Skipper JOHN HAY Little Breeches HENRY W. SHAW ("Josh Billings") Natral and Unnatral Aristokrats JAMES RUSSELL LOWELL The Yankee Recruit What Mr. Robinson Thinks CHARLES DUDLEY WARNER My Summer in a Garden FREDERICK S. COZZENS Living in the Country CHARLES GODFREY LELAND Hans Breitmann's Party FRANCES M. WHICHER Tim Crane and the Widow JOHN GODFREY SAXE The Stammering Wife ANDREW V. KELLEY ("Parmenas Mix") He Came to Pay MARIETTA HOLLEY A Pleasure E