Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146, February 11, 1914

Various

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The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146,February 11, 1914, by VariousThis eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and withalmost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away orre-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License includedwith this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.netTitle: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146, February 11, 1914Author: VariousEditor: Owen SeamanRelease Date: September 11, 2007 [EBook #22573]Language: English*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 146, FEB. 11, 1914 ***Produced by Malcolm Farmer and the Online DistributedProofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.netPUNCH,OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.Vol. 146.February 11, 1914.CHARIVARIA.SIR EDWARD GREY IS TO ACCOMPANY THE KING ON HIS VISIT TO PARIS IN APRIL NEXT. NOBODY WILL GRUDGE THE FOREIGN MINISTER THISlittle treat, which he has thoroughly well earned.ACCORDING TO The Express THE SOUTH AFRICAN POLICE DISCOVERED AN ELABORATE PLOT FOR KIDNAPPING ALL THE MINISTERS AS APRELIMINARY TO DECLARING A LABOUR REPUBLIC. IN LABOUR CIRCLES, HOWEVER, IT IS DECLARED THAT THE SCHEME WAS DRAWN UP FOR AJOKE. TO THIS THE SOUTH AFRICAN GOVERNMENT WILL NO DOUBT RETORT THAT THE KIDNAPPING OF THE LABOUR LEADERS WAS ALSO A JOKE—and so the whole matter will end in genial laughter.SPEAKING AT TORONTO, EX-PRESIDENT TAFT STATED THAT THE WORLD WOULD HAVE BEEN MUCH WORSE OFF WITHOUT ENGLAND. WEbelieve that this is so. ...

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• Publié par: zupon
• Publié le: 08 décembre 2010
• Nombre de lectures: 28
• Langue: English

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The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146, February 11, 1914, by Various

This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.net

Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146, February 11, 1914

Author: Various

Editor: Owen Seaman

Release Date: September 11, 2007 [EBook #22573]

Language: English

*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 146, FEB. 11, 1914 ***

Produced by Malcolm Farmer and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

Vol

. 146.

Febru

ary 11, 1914.

NA   YHT   EI K GNO    NREY   IS   TO   ACCOMP .AIR   RI S AWD EG  DR HACVARI EIGN  F OR   THEUDGE   LRGW   LIOBYD  . O N XTNEL   RI A PN    IISRA P  OT   TISIV   SIH  earned.hly wellt ohorgu hehh sa, aticwhlettre t HT   R il SINI M  ETSI "S P

An attempt is to be made to raise thirteen French warships which were sunk when the English and Dutch fleets routed the F RENCH   OFF C APE L A H OGUE . I T   IS   FEARED   IN   NERVOUS   QUARTERS   THAT   THIS   MAY   BE   USED   BY   THE G ERMANS   AS   AN   EXCUSE   FOR   FURTHER increasing their fleet.

A LTHOUGH   IT   IS   FREQUENTLY   STATED   THAT   OUR   ARMY   IS   FIT   TO   COPE   WITH   THE   ARMY   OF   ANY F OREIGN P OWER   IT   IS   EVIDENT   THAT   THE W AR O FFICE   ITSELF   IS   NOT   QUITE   SATISFIED , AND   REFORMS   ARE   INSTITUTED   FROM   TIME   TO   TIME . F OR   INSTANCE   LAST   WEEK   IT   WAS   OFFICIALLY ANNOUNCED   THAT   THE   TITLE   OF  D EPUTY -A DJUTANT -G ENERAL , R OYAL  M ARINES , HAD   BEEN   ALTERED   TO  A DJUTANT -G ENERAL , R OYAL Marines.

A SUGGESTION   THAT   SCHOOL   CHILDREN   SHALL   BE   TAKEN   TO   MUSEUMS , AS   A   REWARD   FOR   GOOD   SCHOOL   WORK , HAS   BEEN   MADE   BY L ORD S UDELEY . T HIS   IS   SCARCELY   A   NEW   IDEA . W E   REMEMBER   THAT   WHEN   WE   WERE   AT   SCHOOL   THERE   WAS   A   FEELING   THAT   THE   VERY   GOOD boys ought to be in a museum.

W E   HAVE   BEEN   FAVOURED   WITH   THE   SIGHT   OF   A   LETTER   FROM   A   MONEY - LENDER , IN   WHICH   THE   FOLLOWING   REMARKABLE   PASSAGE   OCCURS : —"T HE   ABOVE   TERMS   ARE   FOR   SHORT   PERIODS , to be repaid   AS   MUTUALLY   AGREED   UPON   before the advance is made ." T HE italics are ours, but the proleptic idea is a happy invention of the author himself.

A CCORDING   TO   FIGURES   PUBLISHED   IN   OUR   BRIGHT   LITTLE   CONTEMPORARY , Fire , PROPERTY   AMOUNTING   TO £359,875 WAS   DESTROYED   BY FIRE   IN  G REAT  B RITAIN   DURING   THE   PAST   YEAR . T HIS   SEEMS   TO   US   MORE   THAN   ENOUGH , BUT   IT   IS   NOT   EASY   TO   SATISFY   A   MILITANT suffragette.

Mr. "M ARK A LLERTON " HAS   SUGGESTED   THAT L ONDON   OUGHT   TO   HAVE   A   SPECIAL   GOLF   COURSE   FOR   BEGINNERS . I F   IT   COULD   BE   ARRANGED FOR   SPECTATORS   TO   BE   ADMITTED   AT   A   MODERATE   CHARGE   WE   BELIEVE   THIS   MIGHT   BECOME   ONE   OF   THE   MOST   SUCCESSFUL   PLACES   OF amusement in the Metropolis.

"

S PEAKING   AT  T ORONTO , EX -P RESIDENT  T AFT   STATED   THAT   THE   WORLD   WOULD   HAVE   BEEN   MUCH   WORSE   OFF   WITHOUT  E NGLAND . W E believe that this is so. Without England there might have been no American nation to speak of.

A CCORDING   TO   The Express   THE S OUTH A FRICAN   POLICE   DISCOVERED   AN   ELABORATE   PLOT   FOR   KIDNAPPING   ALL   THE M INISTERS   AS   A PRELIMINARY   TO   DECLARING   A L ABOUR R EPUBLIC . I N L ABOUR   CIRCLES , HOWEVER , IT   IS   DECLARED   THAT   THE   SCHEME   WAS   DRAWN   UP   FOR   A JOKE . T O   THIS   THE S OUTH A FRICAN G OVERNMENT   WILL   NO   DOUBT   RETORT   THAT   THE   KIDNAPPING   OF   THE L ABOUR   LEADERS   WAS   ALSO   A   JOKE —and so the whole matter will end in genial laughter.

L AST   WEEK , IN   THE C ITY   OF L ONDON C OURT , A   MAN   WAS   ORDERED   TO   PAY £15 DAMAGES   AND   COSTS   FOR   POURING   A   BASIN   OF   THICK OX - TAIL   SOUP   OVER   ANOTHER   MAN . W E   ARE   GLAD   THAT   THIS   ACTION   HAS   BEEN   HELD   TO   BE   ILLEGAL , AS   THICK   OX - TAIL   IS   SUCH   NASTY   STICKY stuff. Meanwhile what the law is as to clear soup is a point which still remains to be tested.

S IR E DWARD G REY   REMARKED   AT M ANCHESTER   THAT   AT " THE   TIME   WHEN   WE   BUILT   THE   FIRST   Dreadnoughts Dreadnoughts   WERE   IN the air." So our backwardness in naval aviation is no new thing.

"A RISING   OUT   OF " K ID L EWIS ' S   VICTORY   LAST   WEEK   OVER  P AUL T IL , IT   IS   THE   OPINION   AMONG   A   GOOD   MANY G ERMANS   THAT   THE F RENCH G OVERNMENT , BEING   DETERMINED   THAT   THE E NTENTE   SHOULD   NOT   BE   IMPERILLED , DECIDED   TO   SEND   OVER   A F RENCH   BOXER   WHOM   AN Englishman could defeat.

L ETCHWORTH G ARDEN C ITY   IS   NOW   CONSIDERED   LARGE   ENOUGH   TO   POSSESS   ITS   OWN   POLICE   COURT , AND   THE H ERTS C OUNTY C OUNCIL HAS   SANCTIONED   ITS   ERECTION . F OUR L ETCHWORTH   RESIDENTS   HAVE   BEEN   MADE J.P.' S , AND   IT   IS   NOW   UP   TO   THE   RESIDUE   TO   SUPPLY sufficient criminals to make the venture a success.

  NI   GNIR . RI A  EHT

T HE  E DITOR   OF   Punch   HAS   REPROVED   HIS D RAMATIC C RITIC   FOR   REFERRING   TO   It , IN   The Darling of the Gods , AS " A   PRECOCIOUS BABE ." H E   IS   ASSURED   THAT  M R . B URTIE , WHO   PLAYS   THIS   NEUTRAL   PART , " HAS   SEEN   SOME   FIVE - AND - TWENTY   SUMMERS , AND   HAS ADVANCED   INTELLECTUAL   VIEWS   ABOUT   MOST   THINGS ." Mr. Punch's  D RAMATIC  C RITIC   HAS   BEEN   INSTRUCTED   TO  " GIVE   HIM   DOUBLE bowing" by way of deferential compensation.

"'Ha! ha!' the others laugh in their native tongue."— Evening Dispatch. You should hear us gargle in German.

"P OTATOES , P OTATEOS ." Advt. in "Bedale Chronicle" ( its full title being "Bedale, Leyburn and Hawes Chronicle," but that would make the name of the paper longer than the quotation from it—always a mistake. ) We don't care for the second helping.

"A RIDICULOUS   FAD   THAT   SOME   SOCIETY   LADIES   ARE   ADOPTING   AT   THE   PRESENT   TIME   IS   NOT   TO   PLACE   ANY   MONTH   ON   THE   DATE   OF THEIR   CORRESPONDENCE , SIMPLY   GIVING   THE   DAY   OF   THE   YEAR . T HUS   TO - DAY   WILL   BE   MARKED  1914.' T '34, HIS   IS   NOT   VERY difficult, but when it comes to, say, '271, 14,' it will need more than a little calculation to discover the actual date." Pall Mall Gazette ( Feb. 4th ). Even "to-day" is too difficult for our contemporary.

Another Impending Apology. "D R . G LOVER , IN   GIVING   UP   THE E DITORSHIP   OF   THIS   MOST   VALUABLE   PERIODICAL , HAS   EARNED   THE   GRATEFUL   THANKS   OF   THE   WHOLE Diocese." Chichester Diocesan Gazette.

The Colonel."Dash it, Sir, what do you mean by not having a light on your confounded hoop?"

 cur ogeliobo  ttub ,yraropmetnoearsng yanci advosemek n eath va oom rurinthfrg .ylisecnei DiaylM ia . l We are sorry not

BOWLES WITHOUT A BIAS. [W ITH   THE   AUTHOR ' S   CONGRATULATIONS   TO  "C AP ' N " T OMMY  B OWLES   ON   THE   APPEARANCE   OF   HIS   NEW   QUARTERLY   REVIEW , The Candid , WHOSE   DECLARED   AIM   IS " TO   DEAL   WITH P UBLIC A FFAIRS   FAITHFULLY   AND   FRANKLY ... AND   WITHOUT P ARTY   BIAS ." A MONG   ITS contents are articles on "The New Corruption: The Caucus and the Sale of Honours," and "An Opposition Impotent."] I know a man of simple mind, Gamaliel Nibbs by name, Whose early faith in human kind Burned like a Vestal flame; No wind of doubt that stirs the dust Fluttered that bright and constant taper; But oh, he had his dearest trust Pinned to his daily paper. Not once he paused awhile to ask Whence was their wisdom caught Who undertook the nightly task Of shaping England's thought; He pictured gods that drove the pen Aloof on high Olympian levels, And not a staff of haggard men Hustled by printer's devils. Then came a shock eight years ago: The Rads, he thought, were dished; The Tory Press had just to show The People what it wished; And yet, for all its wealth and size, For all its mammoth circulations, The country saw the Liberals rise And sweep the polling-stations. And, when the same sad case occurred Twice in a single year, Gamaliel, moulting like a bird, Mislaid his lightsome cheer; Yet, even so, he would not let His confidence in all that's best rust Until The Pall Mall went and set Its teeth against "The Press Trust." The writer dropped some dreadful hints Of One whose sole decree Governed the views of various prints Not to be named by me; He disapproved of paper rings; In language almost rudely blunt he Dilated on the puppet-strings Pulled by a monstrous Bunty . Our hero's faith grew sick and pale, Yet was not all forlorn, Till Mr. M AXSE charged The Mail With blowing W INSTON ' S horn; And drew his axe and dyed it pink With blood of Tories, blade to handle— Blood of a Press that chose to blink The late Marconi scandal. This finished off Gamaliel Nibbs. Beside his morning mess No journal lies to-day: he jibs At all the Party Press; He counts it stuff for common souls, And means to get his mind expanded By sampling truths that Mr. B OWLES Embodies in The Candid .

ts No  fac  be t to li lsif aeytfom 'lHe d,oo  hketal  eg dna gf suoren Impotence in the  eihhgse testa;srrCotiup ionthn  hgil yltwehc—:de A , s rtno  srTcast fearles T OMMY ' S niswno gorB he sngpiapflh it em ot gnivoM ,steThe  ion;osit Opp ,ew tStao  fhSpi tion.re perdi

A sovereign (net) for entrance fee— And Nibbs is on the list Of patrons who support a free Impartial pessimist; Yet shall his faith not wholly burst; He shares, in common with his "Cap'n," The view that, when we reach the worst, Then nothing worse can happen.

O. S.

THE CABINET MEETS. Mr. Asquith. P ERHAPS   THE   MOST   IMPORTANT   POINT   BEFORE   US , NOW   THAT   THE N AVAL E STIMATES   ARE   SETTLED   SATISFACTORILY , IS   THE question how we're to get through the Session. The Labour Party seems discontented. Mr. Harcourt ( airily they walk through the lobby with us afterwards.). I like talking over their denunciations with them as Mr. Asquith. Y ES , I AGREE   THAT   THEIR   ALTITUDE   IS   NOT   OF   OVERWHELMING   IMPORTANCE . O H , BY   THE   WAY , I HAVE   HAD   AN   INTERVIEW with Mr. R EDMOND to say that at present he is favourably disposed to us.. He is pleased All ( except Lord Crewe ). That's all right. Lord Crewe. H'm. Mr. John Burns. I—— Mr. Asquith. P ARDON   ME   IF I INTERRUPT , BUT   THERE   IS   A   BAD   FEELING   IN   THE   COUNTRY . A PAPER   KNOWN   AS   The Spectator   EVEN suggests the impeachment of the Government. Mr. Lloyd George. I AM   NOT   SURPRISED . U NPRINCIPLED   ATTACKS   ARE   OFTEN   MADE   ON   ME   BY   POLITICAL   MUCKRAKERS . I SOMETIMES think that I shall give up politics. Lord Crewe. H'm. Mr. Birrell. A ND   SUGGESTIONS   ARE   MADE   THAT M INISTERS   SHOULD   BE   HANGED   IN D OWNING S TREET . N OW   IN D UBLIN   ONE   ALLOWS   A certain latitude, but in Downing Street! Mr. McKenna. I HAVE   CONSULTED   THE   POLICE   AUTHORITIES   ON   THE   POINT . T HEY   INFORM   ME   THAT   THE   LAMP - POSTS   WOULD   ONLY   BEAR   AN exceedingly light weight. Lord Haldane. That is most reassuring. Colonel Seeley. There's another threat. They talk of the Lords throwing out the Army Bill. Mr. Lloyd George. G OOD — A   SAVING   OF   THIRTY ( OR   IS   IT   FIFTY ?) MILLIONS — A   GREAT   DEMOCRATIC B UDGET — AND   AN   ELECTION - WINNING cry, "The Lords destroy the Army." Lord Crewe. H'm. Colonel Seeley. But we need the Army. Mr. Lloyd George. W HAT   FOR ? I TS   ELIMINATION   WOULD   BE   A   GREAT   MORAL   EXAMPLE   TO G ERMANY . Some   NATION   MUST   TAKE   THE lead in the peace movement. Mr. Churchill. The third great election-winner! I suppose National Insurance and Land go back to the stable. Mr. Burns. I—— Mr. Birrell ( hastily ). But there's Ulster. What about Ulster? Mr. Churchill. The solution is simple. We revive the Heptarchy. Mr. Lloyd George.  T HE  H EPTARCHY   WAS   A  S AXON   INSTITUTION . I T   MAKES   NO   APPEAL   TO   THE   ARDENT , FERVID   INTENSELY   RELIGIOUS Celt. Lord Crewe H'm. .   Mr. Burns. I——   Mr. Harcourt ( interrupting ). But what are we to do about Ulster? Mr. Asquith. We must await the reply to our offer. Mr. Birrell. But have we made an offer? I said we had, but have we? Mr. McKenna. ( acutely ). We might await a reply to our tentative offer of an offer. Mr. Asquith. Good, M C K ENNA , very good. I appreciate the delicate distinction. Lord Haldane ( aside to Lord Morley ). H AD  M C K ENNA   BEEN   CAUGHT   YOUNG   AND   FORCIBLY   EDUCATED , HE   WOULD   HAVE   MADE   A meta h sician.

E T E H , E N     E L D R Y G   H O T R A A N R   T N E E M B P e O s P   U f P E   c Y o N m U R Y E T   O H     A W L H I E R t o a v n E r G e T t H s F n   o t C . ( e   n . n m m o e r r   . l   e n n s o u l r o   C B   r . . ) y M e n l . e i e o S S q u s p i p u o h s t e (     H — O I B M H — O . U r S A E   r )   . s   e I g   i a e c n c . s d u ( d   d   e A n u l h y o s f e m r     p a p n   g a i v   a t r p o e ) r M u l o . y A g   r . h r   i t u   q e s a   o . n h t t i , i y t a   S w her, ratepte accoltf d aepir ymIt.os pal bhHo. Mr N t A h   u . i e s s q u   o A R r   . ED M AM   DO   O E M O   N F   O T R E   Y L   L . O E Y W D H     G V E A R E O R E E G D S   ' W M H   E N T A   F C   O I N R S A I D D   N I I Y H ! T W A O C T     G D R   E U H L T A Y N N M A E   B T   O A E     L E E M -   Y R I B T E C N E   I O   N N   O D S   OUXIANE   ER   WOUY   THGUOHT  I . EM    AUTYOURETE   OMPLOTC   RU   EELSIOF   R   ARE no REIF ,  HE   T  . YHLLE W OIBOPARG e have e think witno,sI r segian   snruB .angidni ( , etgrre Mr S . RN B U  oastut tau  yht). I ntly  abo wasecnaow s dluer Ierndo  nrccistum (  asld ) y  . A P DRNO sign. Mr. Asquith nded the busines sfot ehd ya.

A CLEAN SLATE.

Crafty Neighbor(to stout old lady who has just entered carriage with four on each side). "Excuse me, Mum, but you'll find more room on the other side—there are only four there." Old Lady."Thankee, Sir, so there be; I 'adn't noticed." (Changes over.)

Botha (to himselfBEG TO PRESENT YOU WITH THIS TOKEN OF MYSINCERE APPROBATION."). "I Himself (to Botha). "I ACCEPT IT IN THE SPIRIT IN WHICH IT IS GIVEN."