Don't Do It, She Likes It

Susu Smitzh

Description

If you read this, this is a story about you, written by you, from you and for you. As we know social media has changed the world, it is not just part of your life but it is your life. Social media motto: do not judge, lest be judged with photoshopped and filtered photos.Social media is so powerful, it can turn nice guys into thugs, strangers into lovers, and your milkman into lover (and vice versa).What you post there is limitless - duck face selfies, possum face selfies, egg holder mouth selfies (all photoshopped). The limits are your internet connection and if your partner finds out your passwords (are you in cold sweat now?)Come and discover the good, the bad and the funny side of social media - where you can see what everyone's bathroom looks like...

Sujets

• Social network service

Informations

• Publié par: Austin Macauley Publishers
• Date de parution: 28 août 2020
• Nombre de lectures: 0
• EAN13: 9781528985536
• Langue: English
• Poids de l'ouvrage: 7 Mo

Extrait

Don’t Do It, She Likes It
Susu Smitzh
Austin Macauley Publishers
2020-08-28
Don’t Do It, She Likes It About the Author Copyright Information © Acknowledgements Introduction Social Media Is Your Parallel Universe Wannabe Politics and Biases Biases in Social Media: In-Group Bias and Confirmation Bias Dunning-Kruger Effect Lies About Photoshop Gates That Candid Look The Singing Video I Just Woke Up, I Can’t Sleep, I Have No Sleep Judge Not, Lest You Be Judged, The Look An Einstein Look Beautiful Face, Lifestyle, the Photographer and the Phantom Job The Phantom Lover Money Talks Drama Queen Pregnant Selfie and Post Baby Selfie Syndrome The Recovery Photo Unfriend and Friend The Make Ups and the Breaks Ups on Social Media Introverts and Extroverts on Social Media The Fake Love Bragging About Relationships Stealing Identity and No Identity Celebrities’ Minions News Anchor, Social Media Hero and the News Breaker Food, Eyes and Our Mind The Mosquitoeses AKA Big Girl’s Blouse The Controversial Sexy Photo Confused Identity, the Pretenders (this section is dedicated to many celebrities in some Asian countries) Variety of Social Media Parents Special Dedication for Selfies 1. The Attempts The Position and the Location Types of Selfie Sexy Selfie Dangerous Selfie or Drop-Dead Stupid Selfie Hollywood Social Media How to Spot Someone Jealous of You on Social Media They imitate you He tries to compete with you Backhanded compliments Downgrading your success and achievement They will hate things you love, and they love things you hate They watch and spy on your social media They see you as their rival They love talking about your mistakes and enjoy it They don’t want people to admire you and compliment you They tell you how successful, happy, smart and wealthy they are The Coded Language on Social Media Most Failed Mistypes on Social Media Most Miscellaneous Items on Social Media The Aftermath Social Media and Internet for Us Suggestion to All Social Media Users and Countries to Restore Law and Order According to social media companies: According to society: Just my humble suggestions: The Generalisation of the World on Social Media Final Conclusion and Questions Final Thoughts Grand Question for You A Note to All Dear World Leaders The Countries That Are Almost Perfect and Stereotypes on Social Media Special Thanks To A Mega Special Thank You To
About the Author
Susu Smitzh was born and grew up in South Asia, now living in Sydney, Australia. She is married and a mother of a daughter. She likes drawing, sudoku, watching documentaries, cooking and 50% discounts. This is her very first book.
Copyright Information ©
Susu Smitzh (2020)
The right of Susu Smitzh to be identified as author of this work has been asserted by her in accordance with section 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publishers.
Any person who commits any unauthorised act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.
Austin Macauley is committed to publishing works of quality and integrity. In this spirit, we are proud to offer this book to our readers; however, the story, the experiences, and the words are the author’s alone.
A CIP catalogue record for this title is available from the British Library.
ISBN 9781528985529 (Paperback)
ISBN 9781528985536 (ePub e-book)
www.austinmacauley.com
First Published (2020)
Austin Macauley Publishers Ltd
25 Canada Square
Canary Wharf
London
E14 5LQ
Acknowledgements
Firstly, I would like to thank the entire team of Austin Macauley for their help and encouragement to publish this book. I also thank my husband and daughter for their love, support and understanding.
Introduction
Hello, my name is Social Media, I am your story, I am your diary, your best friend, online society, civilisation, life and soul. I am for all genders, all ages, all races, cultures, nationalities, ethnicities and religions. I am still young, I am not even twenty-year-old yet I am the most powerful tool in the world for communication and sharing. I know more secrets than the FBI, CIA and your spouse.
I make two strangers become lovers, lovers become strangers, your neighbour becomes your mama, the milkman becomes your papa, and papa becomes the milkman, sex magnets become a fridge magnet and fridge magnets become sex magnet. Even I can make vampires stop sucking blood and become blood donors. That shows how powerful I am.
My users come from all over the world, seven continents, 195 countries (193 countries are member states of the United Nations). The number of worldwide social media users has reached 3.196 billion in 2018. The population of the world reached 7.7 billion in 2018. It means almost half of the world’s population is social media users. 71% of internet users were social media users, and these figures are expected to increase.
They use me for different purposes. Just to stay in touch with what my friends are doing, to stay in touch with current events, to fill up spare time, to spread the word of God, to meet new people, to share my opinion and photos, to expand my business. Oh, cut to the chase, skip the boring part and let’s talk about why you all are here. You all use social media to check up what your exes are up to and if you are much hotter than her boyfriend, to show off your handbags and first-class travel, to see someone else’s bathroom as so many sexy selfies taken in the bathtub, to see the underwear she’s wearing, to see people become sentimental and romantic over politics.
Social media is your TV station and you are the news anchor. You choose your news that you are going to broadcast live from your computer, then it is up to the audience. Some news makes you smile or half-smile. Some news makes you poke your eyes with sandals. Some news is just news that makes your heart beat faster, run out of breath, perspiring, you are screaming… then you look for a cigarette with that smile. “That was really good,” you say to yourself, then pass out on the lounge.
Warning: this book is not suitable for children under 18. For external use only, not to be eaten or drunk. This book is for fun, there are dramatisations, locations and names are fictional to protect the innocent. This book may contain traces of nuts and choking hazards. Shake well side to side before use, if pain persists, please see your doctor. This book is the story about you, social media addicts, inspired by you, and for you. Pride and fries of social media. Don’t stress too much about social media and this book, if you keep cursing social media and this book, you will be lactating (men can lactate too, you know). By the way, would you like fries with that?

Social Media Is Your Parallel Universe Wannabe
This is how most of us see our social media: check the homepage, check the notifications, who likes my post, how many likes I get, what did they comment about my post, check the inbox, check who sends me a friend request, then check your friend’s wall, from wall to wall. Then back to the homepage again, then repeat the whole cycle again and again. You know you have read those, you know you have seen those, but you go back there again and again. If this is a house, you check your bathroom, then you go to see your parents’ bedroom, “Hi, Mum and Dad,” your sibling’s room, “Hi, brother,” then you go to the kitchen, walk to the living room, after you see it all, you repeat again. You go to the bathroom again, then to your parents’ room again, “Hi, Mum and Dad,” go round and round until your father says, “What the hell are you doing, you dickhead!” You just look for excitement and something new. You’re expecting to see a new room or a box of treasure in your house that you haven’t discovered (which is impossible).
Social media can turn a thug into a nice guy and a nice guy into a thug. Mama says, you must go to bed at 9:00 pm but you go to bed at 9:05, a thug life. Mama says, you must wear your pyjamas, but you go to bed wearing pyjamas and socks, a thug life. You say you’re the toughest man in the world, you will fight anyone who’s standing in your way, but you still sleep with your Hello Kitty soft toy. You say you are the scariest thug, but you have a peanut allergy and flowers allergy. You say you’re the scariest gangster, you have a scary skull tattoo on your arm with writing, “Mama loves me no more,” but you still cry watching the Pretty Boy movie and whenever you open your wallet.
Never judge a book by its cover. Most of social media users are here to judge your posts, that’s why there are emojis, likes, dislikes, and comments. Not all thugs are bad. There are some thug-looking men that look like a Hell Boyoyo but have a heart like a Hello Kitty, soft and cuddly. Never judge a camel by its humps, unless you’re a tax office and the banks. They’ll judge you monthly. They can find you wherever you are in the world and never give up chasing you. Even if you go missing in the North Pole, they will find you! Not to help you but ask you to pay your tax.
“Thank you, Lord, thank you very much. When I lost hope that no one could ever find me as I’ve been lost for 8 days without food, water and shelter, there you are. Thank you.”
“That’s all right, big fellow, but the purpose for which I am here is not because I want to rescue you, I am here because you haven’t paid your tax yet.”
“Oh God, this is so cruel. I am really, really dying here. Get me home first then I pay tax.”
“Sir, there are two certain things in life: death and taxes,” says the tax man, he looks at you then he adds, “Oh, sorry I forgot, actually there are three. Death, taxes and exes.”
“Nooo…! For God’s sake, nooo…! I think I’d better die here when you mentioned the last one. A