The Modern Compendium of Despicable Jerks

John Prescott

Description

This compendium is a highly opinionated, occasionally bogus representation of the most egregious modern examples of both common irritating folks and the rich and powerful who demean others while enriching themselves. It also includes real villains.

See if you can tell the difference. The subjects of this book barely scratch the surface of the total number of jerks worldwide. However, they are excellent examples of those who often wallow in a putrid pool of self-aggrandizement. This effort is offered in the same loathsome spirit by equal opportunity offenders and is intended to be all in fun, but not necessarily fun for all.

"If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me."
- Alice Roosevelt Longworth

Sujets

• Arts visuels
• Histoire des Arts
• Histoire des Arts
• Political Science

Informations

• Publié par: eBookIt.com
• Date de parution: 02 avril 2014
• Nombre de lectures: 0
• EAN13: 9781456621728
• Langue: English
• Poids de l'ouvrage: 7 Mo

Extrait

The Modern Compendium of Despicable Jerks
 
 
By John Prescott
 
Illustrated by Tom Kerr

 
 
Copyright 2014 John Prescott,
All rights reserved.
 
 
Published in eBook format by eBookIt.com
http://www.eBookIt.com
 
 
ISBN-13: 978-1-4566-2172-8
 
 
No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the author. The only exception is by a reviewer, who may quote short excerpts in a review.

Foreword
It’s not as easy it is looks. The knack for showing the ridiculous side of current events... exaggerating the facts to the amusement of his readers...put Will Rogers on a pedestal.
 
Despicable Jerks’ John Prescott may well be from the same mold.
 
Or at least the same longitude.
 
In the 3-odd decades John and I have been colleagues, he has been a producer, speechwriter, news director, military media liaison and gentleman farmer.
 
His work flows with great certainty. It entrains and conditions brains. He rarely seems to miss the mark.
 
He and artist Tom Kerr are at the top of their game in this collection. Tom skewers; John plunges through the open door. They’re fluent across all spectrums.
 
I’ve spent most of my career reading a teleprompter.
 
Had John been writing, I might have avoided the clichés and laugh tracks of that vocation a bit longer!
 
Despicable Jerks is a great read.
 
Probably what Will Rogers would be reading.
 
 
- Chuck Roberts, CNN/Headline News Anchor [1981-2011]
Table of Contents
This compendium is a highly opinionated, occasionally bogus representation of the most egregious modern examples of both common irritating folks and the rich and powerful who demean others while enriching themselves. It also includes real villains. See if you can tell the difference. The subjects of this book barely scratch the surface of the total number of jerks worldwide. However, they are excellent examples of those who often wallow in a putrid pool of self-aggrandizement. This effort is offered in the same loathsome spirit by equal opportunity offenders and is intended to be all in fun, but not necessarily fun for all.
 
 
“If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.”
- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
 
The Modern Compendium of Despicable Jerks categorizes our selections into the following chapters. Enjoy!
 
Chapter One: Political Jerks
Chapter Two: Real People Who Will Probably Go to Hell
Chapter Three: Real People Who May Already Be in Hell
Chapter Four: Real People Who Will Probably Not Go To Hell, but Live in the Suburbs
Chapter Five: Everyday Jerks You Know By Other Names
Chapter One: Political Jerks
Ted Cruz
 
Ted is the worst Cruz since Gilligan’s Island . Gilligan only stranded a few people after they embarked on a three-hour adventure. Ted stranded the U.S. government and capsized it much like that stupid cruise ship captain’s trick off the coast of Italy. Why? He didn’t want to pay the bill for things he’s already purchased and scrap laws that had already been passed into law. Ted was born by the grace of God under a pretty darn good health system in Alberta, Canada. Yet even his fellow Canadians often say, “Ted is a lyin’ ass, his feet stink, and Jesus don’t love him.” And those are his friends . Cooler heads eventually pulled his head out of the tea, paid the bills and enforced the law, but it appears U.S. politics has not heard the last of this smooth talking self-proclaimed “patriot” (or as they say in Canada, “pahtrioot.”)
 

Long may he wave...bye-bye

Rob Ford
 
Rob is the only despicable jerk who just can’t seem to help himself from openly embracing the title. The Toronto Mayor was astonishingly honest with reporters when he admitted using cocaine only because he was in a drunken stupor at the time. It’s tough to beat that kind of despicably jerky honesty. But Rob came close when he was later accused of sexually harassing a female co-worker. Rob said he didn’t need her favors because his own wife was the moral equivalent of the hottest mama in Canada’s largest city. He refuses to resign his office. He is a profane loud-mouthed caricature. And he is a gift to reporters everywhere as he keeps the headlines focused away from truly serious issues that are a lot more difficult and expensive to cover than the most obnoxious public servant in North America.
 

If you don’t want to step in it stay out of the sewer

Mad Anthony Weiner
 
The former New York congressman successfully screwed himself with his own penis, plus a massive deficit of common sense. This seven-term representative sent pictures of his “Mighty Wurlitzer” through cyberspace, made internet sexy-talk with several women and then lied about it. When the best you can say about an elected official is, “He’s just like Charlie Sheen, except for the honesty part,” you know there’s trouble brewing.
 

Oh Lordy, I’ve been hacked!

Herman Cain
 
When Herman Cain responded to allegations of sexual harassment during the 2012 presidential campaign, he said, “We are taking this head on.” If he had used similar words as a suggestion to any of his accusers back when he was running the National Restaurant Association, his presidential aspirations would have smelled like pepperoni gone bad. His eventual excuse should have been simple. As a successful businessman and former CEO of Godfather’s Pizza, it would not have been unusual to hear him routinely shout, “Eat THIS!” Cain may need to quit politics for good, return to the food business, link arms with disgraced former congressman Anthony Weiner and open a bipartisan chain called Godfather’s Weiners.
 

I can’t be able if I’m Cain

John Edwards
 
Long before he was a candidate for President and years away from impregnating a hot blond while his wife was dying of cancer, John Edwards was already making a name for himself in the highest tradition of legal jerks. A successful and wealthy attorney, John gained fame for winning bazillion dollar settlements from large companies by, for example, convincing juries the companies had “coerced” employees to “work” by offering them “income.” He believed everyone with large amounts of money was guilty of something and should pay for their real and imagined crimes. At least he believed it until he asked people with lots of money to pay the hot blond lots of money so he could hide his despicable behavior. It’s said that as a boy, John was often taunted by playmates for his wearing of three-piece suits to third grade class and carrying his lunch in a briefcase.
 

Lie? Cheat? Steal? Why I’m the ideal president!

Hairbrain Club For Men
 
While former President Bill “Cigar Man” Clinton will forever be the champion of this club and former World Bank President Dominique Strauss-Khan was accused of even worse behavior, this trio deserves a special place in the pantheon of politicians who betray women who are loyal, attractive, talented, rich and famous (any two will do). Sexual misconduct by rich and powerful men is nothing new, but Anthony Weiner, Arnold Schwarzenegger and John Edwards have blazed the most recent public rockets (imagery intended) of self-destructive behavior across the political stratosphere. If only they were funnier they could play the three stooges with their pants down.
 

The Three Musketeers, Assos, Promiscuous and Arnold

Wing Nuts
 
Democratic Congressman Lance Wiltfong of Fois Gras, California, and Republican Congressman Bobby “Buck” Shott of Crappopolis, South Carolina, will never agree on anything except this: Compromise equals capitulation. Lance grew up reading Karl Marx and knows big corporations are the root of all evil. Bobby grew up reading Ayn Rand and knows labor unions are the root of all evil. Lance will never accept pension reform for public employees – many of whom are relatives. Bobby will never accept higher taxes on the wealthy because he knows they create jobs – in foreign countries. Each of these characters will ensure the other guy wins his next election. With no compromise, the public always loses since neither wing stands a chance of totally eclipsing the other. However, Lance and Bobby always win when nothing is done and nothing changes.
 

Democracy in inaction

Eric Holder
 
The Attorney General of the United States cast a chilling pall over American journalism when his zeal to stop government leaks led to tapping phones of the Associated Press. Who knows the harm it may cause to press freedom when….excuse me, there’s someone at the door. Hello. You’re from where? You plan to do what if keep writing this Despicable Jerk entry? Get off my frickin’ lawn. Okay, now where was I? Oh yes, Eric Holder. Did you know his middle name is Himpton. Not even an original Himpton, he’s Himpton JUNIOR. (SOUND OF SOMEONE BREAKING THROUGH A DOOR. VOICE: “OKAY LOUDMOUTH, YOU’RE COMING WITH US.” THEN SILENCE.)
 

Do you seek justice? Because justice seeks you!

Rush Limbaugh
 
It’s certainly no secret Rush Limbaugh is a famous and long-time jerk as he himself admits when he says, “for over 20 years, I have illustrated the absurd with absurdity.” His limp apology for calling a young woman law student a “slut” because of her testimony before a congressional committee simply highlights the absurdity his listeners expect. The bloviated expulsions from his well-molded hips and thighs are the delight of all the “dittoheads” who listen to him.
 

On the air?