First Steps through Separation and Divorce

Penny Rich

Description

First Steps through Separation and Divorce' provides practical help, comfort and advice for anyone considering or experiencing separation or divorce. It provides an introduction to legal issues and where to seek legal help, useful tips on how to move on and build a new life, and words of comfort to encourage readers to express their own feelings and allow themselves to grieve for what has been lost. It also contains advice on helping children through a divorce, and details of helpful organisations and websites. Other titles in the First Steps series include: Anxiety, Bereavement, Depression, Eating Disorders, Menopause, Problem Drinking, Problem Gambling and Weight Problems.

Informations

• Publié par: Lion Hudson
• Date de parution: 17 février 2012
• Nombre de lectures: 0
• EAN13: 9780745958712
• Langue: English

Extrait

First Steps through Separation and Divorce

Why this book?
Are you facing the fact that your marriage is finally coming to an end?
Do you find yourself
grieving, or feeling angry or scared?
swamped by all the paperwork involved?
wondering how best to look after yourself and your family?
Separation and divorce can feel overwhelming, but they do not have to defeat you.
This book explains:
what you need to do and when;
how to cope when all you want to do is curl up in bed;
how to move into a new life and learn to enjoy it.
This book comes with you on every step of a journey you had no intention of taking.
I was lucky enough to have four friends who had survived or were coping with divorce, or the end of a long-term relationship, about the same time as I was. Their advice, lessons, laughter, love, and support are in this book, so I dedicate it to them:
Sarah, Peta, Jenny, and Karen dear friends, and survivors of: numpty-ness!; just one more drink!; divorce (T.E.) alley!; and hold your balls!
And to my friends Liz, Thea, and Bridget, my goddaughter, and my own daughters, in the hope they never need to read this book.
First Steps through Separation and Divorce
Penny Rich
Copyright 2012 Penny Rich This edition copyright 2012 Lion Hudson
The author asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work
A Lion Book an imprint of Lion Hudson plc Wilkinson House, Jordan Hill Road, Oxford OX2 8DR, England www.lionhudson.com ISBN 978 0 7459 5536 0 (print) ISBN 978 0 7459 5871 2 (epub) ISBN 978 0 7459 5870 5 (Kindle) ISBN 978 0 7459 5872 9 (pdf)
Distributed by: UK: Marston Book Services, PO Box 269, Abingdon, Oxon, OX14 4YN USA: Trafalgar Square Publishing, 814 N. Franklin Street, Chicago, IL 60610 USA Christian Market: Kregel Publications, PO Box 2607, Grand Rapids, MI 49501
First edition 2012 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 0 First electronic edition 2012
All rights reserved
A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library
Typeset in 10/13 ITC Stone Serif Cover image: Junos/beyond/Corbis
Contents

Cover

Dedication

Title Page

Copyright

Introduction

1 Breaking up ( is hard to do)

2 Breaking out ( or breaking down)

3 The legal stuff ( a necessary evil)

4 The broken heart ( how can you mend it?)

5 The broken home ( and all alone)

6 Starting over ( the fear factor)

7 Think for better ( forget for worse)

8 Vengeance is mine ( said the divorcee)

9 The ex factor ( how to win that game)

10 To love and to cherish ( from this day forth)

For the family

Useful resources
Introduction

What is this book about?

divorce / di-vors / [noun] : the legal dissolution of a marriage by decree; [singular] a separation between things which were or ought to be connected.
ORIGIN French, from Latin divortium ;
DERIVATIVE divorcement, divorcee
That is the Oxford English Dictionary (Oxford University Press) definition, and this, from the voice of experience, is mine:

To survive, a healthy, long-term marriage of heart and mind relies on mutual respect, trust, love, kindness, caring, commitment, teamwork, and, above all, the ability to grow and change together - without these things, it will die.
My definition is human, but it is also quite a lot to ask of two human beings in the twenty-first century, when we strive to have rights, be independent, and be individual in all things. So it is little wonder that the two countries in the Western world that offer the most freedom - the UK and the US - both currently have nearly half of all marriages ending in divorce. In the UK an average marriage lasts eleven and a half years, but if you just live together (cohabit), the average relationship lasts only three years (Office of National Statistics).
So, if you are facing the end of your marriage or relationship, you are not alone. There are hundreds of thousands of others going through exactly the same thing, right now. Separation or divorce is listed in the top five most stressful life experiences - along with bereavement, moving house, getting married, or changing your job. Yet the end of a relationship involves aspects of all five of these things - loss; packing, downsizing, and moving; deciding and planning many things in a short time; living within a reduced income or finding ways to increase it - plus blame, fear, grief, fury, chaos, and emotional turmoil. That s what this book is about: the journey through the end of a relationship and how you can find ways to cope with it.
Who is this book for?
I hope this book helps everybody, on all sides of what is the ending of the happy-ever-after story. The truth is that we can no longer bear to be with the person we once loved enough to choose in the first place, which is why breaking up is so devastating, difficult, and painful. So this book is for everyone who is affected:
Men or women, mothers or fathers, family or friends, married couples, or unmarried partners.
Everyone who has a relationship that has hit a bad patch - whether you stay together, separate, or divorce.
Any friends, family, or children who are sharing the end of the story.
Everyone making this hazardous journey - step by step - through separation and divorce.
How should you use this book?
However you wish - if you need one chapter first, go straight to it. But I have tried to write it in the order that events usually unfold, to assist every step of the way. You might read some chapters before your own journey has reached that stage, but forearmed is forewarned, and it might open your eyes, heart, and mind to what lies ahead.
Very loosely, the chapters cover the following:
the decision
the emotional repercussions
the legal practicalities
healing some of the pain
coping with change and chaos
dealing with worry and fear
trying to be positive
trying to let go of anger and revenge
how to communicate with your ex
how to embrace and rejoice in a new life.
Why did I write this book?
I was one of five friends (with fourteen children between us!) facing separation or divorce about the same time, and although our journeys were different, we all seemed to go through similar stages at similar times. So what you will find in this book is very personal and practical advice, gathered from some very sensible sources. There might be some humorous chapter headings (laughing helped us through our journeys), but there are serious lessons on every page.
This book is not about me; it is about you and your journey into what seems like a dead end (divorce alley) but actually leads to a new beginning (the daredevil divorcee). My story pops up now and then, where applicable, but so you understand it, here is the outline: after twenty-two years of marriage my divorce was finalized after a long and acrimonious year, in 2009; there were no third parties involved; my ex-husband does not communicate with me now; my teenage daughters chose not to see or speak to me for over a year; and I am still not over it , as they say. But time is a great healer and I no longer wake with a lump like a brick in my heart. I really try to enjoy my new life.
Divorce is an odyssey, and, like all great adventures, you learn much about yourself and life along the way. I hope reading this book helps make your journey easier.
If you want to discuss anything about this book, share your story, or see what happens next, please visit my website: www.pennyrichthewriter.com .
1
Breaking up ( is hard to do)

If you are reading this book, you have already lived through some part of your relationship breaking down. Separation and divorce don t just happen, like coming down with measles, and you don t just stop loving someone overnight. For some time - weeks, months, possibly years - you might have been to-ing and fro-ing on whether to make the decision (and that s what this chapter is about) to end your relationship. And this means your recent life has had unhappiness, rows, burying your head in the sand, disagreements, emotional turmoil, and the worst dilemma of adult life: do I fight to save my marriage, do I keep trying to repair the relationship, or do I quit?
There is no easy answer, especially if children are involved or you have been in the relationship for some time. The ultimate decision depends very much on the reasons why you feel your love is over. It could be that you have just grown apart and have been leading separate lives for some time anyway. It could be your partner has walked out and left you with no choice in the matter. Your relationship might have involved mental or physical cruelty. Perhaps you have lived with a liar and no longer trust them, or you have financial difficulties or other personal issues that have come between you. Maybe they were unfaithful, maybe you bickered all the time, or there was a lack of mutual respect, a lack of sex, a lack of care and feeling loved. Maybe you just felt trapped or suffocated.
There are many reasons to choose from, but the root of all failed relationships is that if you can t grow and change together, you eventually have differing needs and outgrow one another. Once you were like two peas in a pod, but things change (even pods!), and with time life is more complicated, so that even the things you loved about each other ( s/he s so laid back and funny ) become things you dislike ( why does s/he leave the toothpaste lid off, then tell me to chill? ).
No matter what your personal reasons are, all break-ups have one thing in common: it takes much time and heartache to decide to end it with someone you once loved enough to marry or to commit to for ever .
Mythbuster
Separating or getting divorced is the easy way out.
No, it isn t. Leaving a relationship is one of the hardest challenges you will face in life.
Are you sure?
Although finally facing the fact that your relationship is over comes as a shock, it also comes as a relief. There is so much pain and unhappiness in life, b