Summary of Shirley P. Glass & Jean Coppock Staeheli's Not "Just Friends"

Everest Media

Description

Please note: This is a companion version & not the original book.
Sample Book Insights:
#1 Emotional infidelity is a growing problem in marriages. It occurs when a partner crosses the emotional boundary of intimacy with a friend, and the partner’s partner is not present for the consequences.
#2 When you’re about to cross the line that separates the richness of friendship from the dangers of something much more intense and destructive, the most obvious red flag is that feeling of attraction that warns you to pull back.
#3 The factors that allow some people to resist the temptation of attraction are vulnerability, commitment, and values. You have to meet someone who attracts you when you have the opportunity and the inclination to pursue it.
#4 It is not uncommon for a concerned partner to be the first to notice that someone else is trying to slip through the marital wall. Irrational jealousy is not the same as rational jealousy, and normal interactions between spouses seem to be strategic moves in the game of seduction.

Sujets

• Conflict resolution

Informations

• Publié par: Everest Media LLC
• Date de parution: 08 mars 2022
• Nombre de lectures: 0
• EAN13: 9781669351092
• Langue: English
• Poids de l'ouvrage: 1 Mo

Extrait

Insights on Shirley P. Glass & Jean Coppock Staeheli's Not "Just Friends"
Contents Insights from Chapter 1 Insights from Chapter 2 Insights from Chapter 3 Insights from Chapter 4
Insights from Chapter 1

#1

Emotional infidelity is a growing problem in marriages. It occurs when a partner crosses the emotional boundary of intimacy with a friend, and the partner’s partner is not present for the consequences.

#2

When you’re about to cross the line that separates the richness of friendship from the dangers of something much more intense and destructive, the most obvious red flag is that feeling of attraction that warns you to pull back.

#3

The factors that allow some people to resist the temptation of attraction are vulnerability, commitment, and values. You have to meet someone who attracts you when you have the opportunity and the inclination to pursue it.

#4

It is not uncommon for a concerned partner to be the first to notice that someone else is trying to slip through the marital wall. Irrational jealousy is not the same as rational jealousy, and normal interactions between spouses seem to be strategic moves in the game of seduction.

#5

Jealousy is a normal response to valid suspicions. When a not normally jealous spouse starts getting suspicious, the jealousy is likely based on a threat that is real.

#6

The conditions of Ralph and Rachel’s lives led Ralph to slowly drift into an affair. He wasn’t even aware that he was violating his own principles, except perhaps toward the very end.

#7

As a married couple, Rachel and Ralph were surrounded by a protective wall and looked out onto the outside world through the same window. They had no real secrets from each other. They openly shared their enthusiasms about their friendships with other people because they knew they had nothing to hide.

#8

When Ralph and Lara began to feel attraction for each other, they began to act on it. They began to share more of themselves with each other than with their spouses, and their conversations began to deteriorate.

#9

The boundaries between friendship and romance can be difficult to distinguish, especially in extramarital triangles. Asking yourself about the placement of walls and windows can help you determine when an outside relationship has moved beyond friendship into an extramarital relationship.

#10

The principle that interest creates opportunity is illustrated by the fact that men are more likely to be interested in having extramarital affairs than women. Women, on the other hand, do not understand why a happily married person would want sex with anyone but their spouse.

#11

The most dangerous place for a relationship is at work. The Cup of Coffee Syndrome is when two people who are married to others begin to meet for coffee breaks. They look forward to the chance to relax and talk. Soon, they can’t live without their coffee breaks.

#12

Extramarital relationships are most common among people who have a lot of freedom in their careers. People who are homebound, such as housewives with young children, don’t have much personal freedom during the day.

#13

People who get involved with their coworkers don’t set out to turn their friendships into romances. They are so excited about the unconditional support and acceptance they receive from their colleagues that they don’t notice how their relationship is changing.

#14

Emotional affairs happen between coworkers, but romance between social friends and neighbors is also common. When you see a man and a woman out in public together, you can't be sure if they are just friends or not.

#15

A threat to the marriage is any person who can be an attractive alternative to the marriage partner. Single people on the prowl or married people who openly complain about their current relationship are the most dangerous.

#16

When we share our hidden feelings about another person with our spouse, the intensity and fascination of that secret are greatly diminished. We let reality into fantasy. When Linda opened a window with her husband, she was able to close an old one with her former boyfriend.

#17

Emotional affairs can develop with anyone, whether you’ve ever met them or not. They can develop on the Internet without ever seeing or touching the person you’re involved with.

#18

E-lovers are people who fall in love with each other through their online interactions. They choose a convenient time to post or respond, and they never have to deal with the boredom and irritation of in-person relationships.

#19

There are many similarities between in-person affairs and Internet affairs. They both start innocently enough, and most people never consider the implications of what they are doing. They don’t realize that they can use the same precautions that protect committed relationships from in-person affairs to protect them from Internet affairs.

#20

If you get a yes answer to any of questions 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, or 8, you are crossing the boundary from an Internet friendship to an Internet romance. Acknowledge this fact and take action to preserve and enhance your marriage.

#21

The Prevention Myth states that a loving partner and a good marriage will prevent affairs. However, this is not supported by any research. Any advice based on this assumption and simplification of a complex issue is misleading.

#22

It is important to have a personal strategy for protecting yourself and your relationships from the fallout of acting on such impulses. People who know how to safeguard a long-term relationship do not allow themselves to be pulled away from their priorities by distractions.

#23

Almost every newly married couple expects their relationship to be monogamous, but that doesn’t mean they’ll be able to resist the temptation of infidelity.

#24

As relationships become more intimate, people develop a truth bias in which they are more likely to judge their partners as truthful and less likely to detect deception.

#25

affairs are not just about sex, but about the emotional bond that develops between the two parties. For men, the old definition of an affair, having sex first and emotional bonding later, is changing. More men are starting to follow Lara’s pattern of emotional bonding first and sex second.

#26

A useful measure for whether a relationship is a friendship or an affair is the degree of secrecy that surrounds it. If a relationship is strictly platonic, the husband should not be keeping secrets from his wife.

#27

The most powerful bond between friends is emotional intimacy. When a friendship becomes romantic, it becomes an emotional affair. The most dangerous aspect of forbidden sex is that it can lead to sexual chemistry and inflate it into a romance.

#28

When a friendship turns into a sexual relationship, people who are married or in an exclusive relationship have already ignored their original commitment and given themselves permission to go ahead. For some, commitment comes with a mindfulness of the need for exclusivity, while for others it comes with a yellow warning light that can be ignored or heeded.

#29

The majority of the husbands and wives who had extramarital intercourse regarded falling in love as a justification for having an extramarital relationship.

#30

In my clinical sample, 44 percent of husbands and 57 percent of wives reported strong emotional involvement in their affair without sexual intercourse.

#31

The second time Ralph saw Lara, she took him to her bedroom and had sex with him. Although he didn’t want to make love on the bed that was hers and Lenny’s, he was unable to resist. He was nervous and anxious, and his nausea returned.

#32

Three months after they started dating, Ralph and Lara had their first opportunity to go to an out-of-town conference with two other people from work. They spent the night together, and for the first time, Ralph and Lara told each other that they loved each other.

#33

Ralph was having sex with two women, Lara and Rachel. He was extremely turned on at home with Rachel, but after their first out-of-town encounter, his interest in sex at home began to slow down.

#34

The wall surrounding Ralph and Rachel was made up of their obligations to each other as husband and wife and parents to their children. Ralph still discussed things with Rachel that he didn’t share with Lara.

#35

When relationships are sexualized at the beginning, they are less likely to have the deep emotional attachment that occurs when sex is delayed. When relationships remain primarily sexual, they are less likely to be a threat to the durability of the marriage.

#36

Affairs between two married people are usually more balanced, because the marriage is their bread and butter. But when single people have an affair with someone who is already taken, the balance of power shifts in favor of the unmarried person, who has to wait in line for time and attention that isn’t already allocated to their spouse and kids.

#37

Lying is hard on personal integrity and can lead to feelings of guilt.

#38

It is important to be able to distinguish between lies of commission and lies of omission. A lie of commission is the fabrication of information, a whole story. A lie of omission is the leaving out of a part of the truth with the intention of deceiving or creating a false impression.

#39

When one lies, it becomes easier to do so again. In an affair, one must lie in both relationships to keep both partners satisfied.

#40

Monogamous infidels are people who don’t compartmentalize their relationships. They essentially believe in monogamy, and cannot be invested in more than one relationship at a time. They feel guilty about cheating on their partners, and end up hurting them even more.

#41

There are many ways to reduce the internal conflict caused by a discrepancy between val