Theatre of Bizarre Operations

B Evans M

Description

These twenty-five original short stories describe extraordinary situations whose solutions provide a unique, ludicrous and satirical view of life. The tales describe the foibles of individuals and how they deal with these imperfections. They range from astonishing medical operations, eccentric clubs, perplexing and romantic situations, extraordinary people, the idiosyncrasies of modern technology, the problems confronting the modern ghoul and much more. Each story has an explanation or justification at its end.These easy-to-read, fascinating tales will entertain, amuse and keep you guessing until the very end.

Informations

• Publié par: Distributed by eBookpartnership
• Date de parution: 06 janvier 2022
• Nombre de lectures: 0
• EAN13: 9781839524141
• Langue: English

Extrait

Other works by this author
Heavenly Tales

First published 2022
Copyright © M. B. Evans 2022
The right of M. B. Evans to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted in accordance with the Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, electrostatic, magnetic tape, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the written permission of the copyright holder.
Published under licence by Brown Dog Books and The Self-Publishing Partnership Ltd, 10b Greenway Farm, Bath Rd, Wick, nr. Bath BS30 5RL
www.selfpublishingpartnership.co.uk

ISBN printed book: 978-1-83952-413-4 ISBN e-book: 978-1-83952-414-1
Cover design by Kevin Rylands Internal design by Andrew Easton
Printed and bound in the UK This book is printed on FSC certified paper
DEDICATION
These stories are dedicated to my wife Caroline, whose considered opinion of my stories consists solely of: ‘I couldn’t write anything like that,’ a pithy comment of dubious merit and only vaguely sympathetic to my creative abilities, and perhaps rightly so.
CONTENTS
1 The Theatre of Bizarre Operations
A Statement by Max Seddle
Story One – The Tale of John Gilpin Foster
Story Two – The Tale of Matthew Gilpin Foster
Story Three – The Tale of Mark Gilpin Foster
Story Four – The Tale of Thomas Gilpin Foster
Story Five – The Tale of Luke Gilpin Foster
An Extract from the Personal Diary of Doctor Marion Baker. Psy. D.
2 The Road Traffic Congestion Act of 2015
3 Persistent Callers
4 The Blessing
5 The Door
6 Doctor Joe’s Enigma
7 The Interview
8 The Triple C Club
9 The New Hospital
10 The Church in the Sky
11 A Curious Auction
12 A Cacophony of Love
13 The Power of Positive Thought
14 Divine Wind
15 The Evil Chuckle
16 An Odd Sort of Party
17-1 The Hand of Eunice – Part One
17-2 The Hand of Eunice – Part Two
18 The Mastermind
19 Epitaph for an Alderman
20 The Puppeteer
21 The Platoon
22 A New Type of Operation
23 The Revolution
24 The Reluctant Ghost
25 The Old Man
1
THE THEATRE OF BIZARRE OPERATIONS
A STATEMENT BY MAX SEDDLE
I first met the five boys from the Foster family at the County Secondary Modern School at Walton-on-the-Naze in Essex. Two of them were in a class before me but the other three were friends in my class. By some quirk of nature their mother had produced a set of twins followed two years later by a set of triplets. All the children were boys and after this burst of masculine enthusiasm, no more children were ever born. It may be that in an atmosphere of desperation, preventative steps were taken. If their mother had wanted a girl, she was disappointed, and not prepared to risk another boy in mistake for a girl. Her life thus became overburdened with boys and masculine points of view. Her husband – a doctor with little evidence of any self-control – was surprised at the number of male heirs they had accumulated as, according to the book his father had suggested he read in detail before his wedding, he could expect 2.4 children of the mixed sort, not 5.0 of just one. Even in these modern days, biology could throw up surprises and a family where the wife was outvoted by a factor of six to one on just about every subject was unusual. Mrs Foster tolerated this display of numerical masculine superiority with equanimity and fortitude, and looked forward with enthusiasm to the rare days when with her lady friends she could indulge in a ‘proper’ discussion of feminine matters.
The fact of the boys’ birthdays being so close together was of no interest to us schoolboys, what was far more interesting was their names. The eldest was called Matthew Gilpin Foster, the second was Mark Gilpin Foster, the third and the eldest of the triplets was Luke Gilpin Foster, the fourth was John Gilpin Foster and the last one was Thomas Gilpin Foster. We joked that had six more boys come along, they could have formed a full football team of Fosters, or that had she produced another seven children she would have been able to name them all after the disciples. Any more would have been beyond our comprehension of biological excess. Such was what passed for wit amongst us schoolboys.
In character the boys were all intelligent, easily bored and enjoyed practical jokes. Consequently, they often devised their own entertainment. This varied from brother to brother, as would be expected, but one mature interest they all had in common was a fascination with medical matters. Their father, whose quest for fame and fortune had led him to becoming a general practitioner, was responsible for this interest. His overriding objective in life was to achieve a state of indolence. This was an objective at which he worked extremely hard and achieved, one could say, some degree of eminence. He found that being a GP enabled him to successfully diagnose medical conditions with little prospect of any further activity on his behalf. Either his medication was successful (most of which consisted of the provision of placebos, since he knew that many illnesses were cured by the body itself) or he referred his patients to consultants. Either way his life was one of ease, interspersed with some minor medical matters. It was the way he liked it. Each of his sons obtained his intelligence and drive from an unknown ancestor, though whether it was on their mother’s side or their father’s side was always hotly debated. Neither admitted any such responsibility. They assumed, wrongly as it happened, that inherited indolence was a characteristic that would be prevalent in their sons, and override any other less desirable characteristics that might appear.
Despite their father’s earnest wish that his sons become carbon copies of himself, they all showed distressing signs of desiring to achieve some degree of importance with their lives. It was unclear precisely where their wishes for fulfilment lay, but as they developed, much to the surprise of their parents, into mature and responsible doctors, their urge to succeed, if I may use that expression, manifested itself in different ways, as will be seen.
I knew them all at school and became friendly with them, but John was my special friend. As happens so often with childhood friends, after we had left the hallowed and graffiti-stained corridors of our secondary modern school, we lost touch for a few years. I heard through the grape vine that they were all what was termed ‘late developers’ and had subsequently all qualified as doctors, with John and Thomas becoming surgeons. In complete contrast I qualified as an accountant. Before I took the step into salaried employment, I was told that accountancy was the most boring of occupations and was surprised and delighted to find that these adverse views were quite correct. It was boring, and I accepted this boredom with resignation and sometimes relief, as I was seldom required to think for myself. Being of a retiring disposition, thinking was something which I vigorously avoided on every possible occasion. On mature consideration I thought that perhaps some aspect of my friends’ father’s indolence had rubbed off on me, rather than them.
After those halcyon days of secondary education, I lost touch with the five brothers. Our ways had parted and as I had failed to keep in contact with John, it came as a very pleasant surprise one day to receive a letter from him. In it he expressed a wish to renew our acquaintance and suggested that I may care to join him and his brothers in a reunion they were arranging at a coffee shop in Gloucester. Stimulated by a natural curiosity as to how they had all fared in their post-school lives, I went along.
I was the last to arrive and found them all discussing bizarre medical conditions. After the introductions, accompanied by much hand shaking and remarking how much older we all looked, we settled down to some strong coffee and a bit of a chat. Much to my surprise, as boredom was something none of them could abide, they were interested in my work and its routine nature. Hearing this I suspected I might become the victim of one of their practical jokes, but that didn’t happen. I quickly related the gist of my boring life since our school days, and then the doctors all talked about the satisfaction that the intellectual demands of their work provided. Then Luke mentioned a story that Matthew had started before I had arrived.
‘Would you start your story again, Matthew?’ he said. ‘Max wasn’t here at the beginning.’
‘Fine, fine. Well, Max, a most extraordinary case came my way recently,’ said Matthew, and I could tell from the look on his face that it would be a story worth telling.
‘All your cases are remarkable,’ said Luke dryly. ‘Nevertheless, we shall listen with interest and then pronounce judgement. Pray proceed.’
‘All right. It was before I decided to specialise in pathology and was still a student when I attended a sad case in which a baby girl was being operated on. My presence was primarily for observation and instruction. The baby had been diagnosed with a condition that required surgery on her colon. The operation was carried out by a senior surgeon. After the surgery and an appropriate period of recovery, the baby was permitted to go home. Twelve hours later she developed indications that all was not well. The next day the symptoms were worse, and the parents brought the baby back to the hospital for help. During this examination it was discovered that the surgeon had left a set of forceps inside the baby. These were, of course, immediately removed and the baby kept in a ward. The hospital manager couldn’t decide how to deal with this problem. Clearly the hospital was at fault, but which individual was responsible? The surgeon said it was the responsibility of the nurses to ensure that every piece of equipment was accounted for before the incisio