Lady Bountiful

A. Birmingham George

Description

This highly eclectic volume of tales will please connoisseurs of wit and satire. The first half of the book is dedicated to one-off short stories that skewer the pretensions and airs of various characters. The second half is dedicated to an interlinked series of sharply satiric tales following the triumphs and tribulations of a deposed king.

Informations

• Publié par: The Floating Press
• Date de parution: 01 décembre 2015
• Nombre de lectures: 0
• EAN13: 9781776596713
• Langue: English

Extrait

LADY BOUNTIFUL
* * *
GEORGE A. BIRMINGHAM
 
*
Lady Bountiful First published in 1922 Epub ISBN 978-1-77659-671-3 Also available: PDF ISBN 978-1-77659-672-0 © 2014 The Floating Press and its licensors. All rights reserved. While every effort has been used to ensure the accuracy and reliability of the information contained in The Floating Press edition of this book, The Floating Press does not assume liability or responsibility for any errors or omissions in this book. The Floating Press does not accept responsibility for loss suffered as a result of reliance upon the accuracy or currency of information contained in this book. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Many suitcases look alike. Visit www.thefloatingpress.com
Contents
*
PART ONE I - Lady Bountiful II - The Strike Breaker III - The Faculty of Medicine IV - A Lunatic at Large V - The Bands of Ballyguttery VI - Starting the Train VII - Unlawful Possession VIII - A Soul for a Life PART TWO IX - A Bird in Hand X - The Emerald Pendant XI - Settled Out of Court XII - A Competent Mechanic XIII - My Niece Kitty XIV - A Royal Marriage XV - Aunt Nell
PART ONE
*
I - Lady Bountiful
*
Society in the west of Ireland is beautifully tolerant. A man may domany things there, things frowned on elsewhere, without losing caste.He may, for instance, drink heavily, appearing in public when plainlyintoxicated, and no one thinks much the worse of him. He may be in debtup to the verge of bankruptcy and yet retain his position in society.But he may not marry his cook. When old Sir Tony Corless did that, helost caste. He was a baronet of long descent, being, in fact, the fifthCorless who held the title.
Castle Affey was a fine old place, one of the best houses in the county,but people stopped going there and stopped asking Sir Tony to dinner.They could not stand the cook.
Bridie Malone was her name before she became Lady Corless. She was thedaughter of the blacksmith in the village at the gates of Castle Affey,and she was at least forty years younger than Sir Tony. People shooktheir heads when they heard of the marriage and said that the oldgentleman must be doting.
"It isn't even as if she was a reasonably good-looking girl," saidCaptain Corless, pathetically. "If she had been a beauty I could haveunderstood it, but—the poor old dad!"
Captain Corless was the son of another, a very different Lady Corless,and some day he in his turn would become Sir Tony. Meanwhile, havingsuffered a disabling wound early in the war, he had secured a pleasantand fairly well-paid post as inspector under the Irish Government. Noone, not even Captain Corless himself, knew exactly what he inspected,but there was no uncertainty about the salary. It was paid quarterly.
Bridie Malone was not good-looking. Captain Corless was perfectly rightabout that. She was very imperfectly educated. She could sign her name,but the writing of anything except her name was a difficulty to her. Shecould read, though only if the print were large and the words were nottoo long.
But she possessed certain qualities not very common in any class. Shehad, for instance, quite enough common sense to save her from posing asa great lady. Sir Tony lost caste by his marriage. Bridie Malone did notsacrifice a single friend when she became Lady Corless. She remained onexcellent terms with her father, her six younger sisters, and her fourbrothers. She remained on excellent terms with everyone in the village.
In the big house of which she became mistress she had her difficultiesat first. The other servants, especially the butler and the upperhousemaid, resented her promotion and sought new situations. Bridiereplaced them, replaced the whole staff with relatives of her own.
Castle Affey was run by the Malone family. Danny, a young man who helpedhis father in the forge, became butler. Sarah Malone, Susy Malone, andMollie Malone swept the floors, made the beds, and lit the fires. Bridietaught them their duties and saw that they did them thoroughly.Though she was Lady Corless, she took her meals with her family inthe servants' hall and made it her business to see that Sir Tony wasthoroughly comfortable and well-fed. The old gentleman had never been socomfortable in his life, or better fed.
He had never been so free from worry. Bridie took over the management ofthe garden and farm. She employed her own relatives. There was an amplesupply of them, for almost everyone in the village was related to theMa-lones. She paid good wages, but she insisted on getting good work,and she never allowed her husband to trouble about anything.
Old Sir Tony found life a much easier business than he had ever found itbefore. He chuckled when Captain Corless, who paid an occasional visitto Castle Affey, pitied him.
"You think I'm a doddering old fool," he said, "but, by gad, Tony, themost sensible thing I ever did in my life was to marry Bridie Ma-lone!If you're wise you'll take on your stepmother as housekeeper here andgeneral manager after I'm gone. Not that I'm thinking of going. I'mseventy-two. You know that, Tony. But living as I do now, without asingle thing to bother me, I'm good for another twenty years—or thirty.In fact, I don't see why the deuce I should ever die at all! It's worryand work which kill men, and I've neither one nor the other."
It was Lady Corless' custom to spend the evenings with her husbandin the smoking-room. When he had dined—and he always dined well—hesettled down in a large armchair with a decanter of whisky and a box ofcigars beside him.
There was always, summer and winter, a fire burning on the open hearth.There was a good supply of newspapers and magazines, for Sir Tony,though he lived apart from the world, liked to keep in touch withpolitics and the questions of the day. Lady Corless sat opposite him ona much less comfortable chair and knitted stockings. If there was anynews in the village, she told it to him, and he listened, for, like manyold men, he took a deep interest in his neighbour's affairs.
If there was anything important or curious in the papers, he read it outto her. But she very seldom listened. Her strong common sense saved herfrom taking any interest in the war while it lasted, the peace, when itwas discussed, or politics, which gurgle on through war and peace alike.
With the care of a great house, a garden, and eighty acres of land onher shoulders, she had no mental energy to spare for public affairs ofany kind. Between half-past ten and eleven Sir Tony went to bed. He wasan old gentleman of regular habits, and by that time the whisky-decanterwas always empty. Lady Cor-less helped him upstairs, saw to it thathis fire was burning and his pyjamas warm. She dealt with buttons andcollar-studs, which are sometimes troublesome to old gentlemen who havedrunk port at dinner and whisky afterwards. She wound his watch for him,and left him warm and sleeping comfortably.
One evening Sir Tony read from an English paper a paragraph which caughtLady Corless' attention. It was an account of the means by which theGovernment hoped to mitigate the evils of the unemployment likely tofollow demobilisation and the closing of munition works. An out-of-workbenefit of twenty-five shillings a week struck her as a capital thing,likely to become very popular. For the first time in her life she becameslightly interested in politics.
Sir Tony passed from that paragraph to another, which dealt with thefuture of Dantzig. Lady Corless at once stopped listening to what heread. She went on knitting her stocking; but instead of letting herthoughts work on the problems of the eggs laid by her hens, and thefish for Sir Tony's dinner the next day, she turned over in her mind theastonishing news that the Government actually proposed to pay people,and to pay them well, for not working. The thing struck her as too goodto be true, and she suspected that there must be some saving clause,some hidden trap which would destroy the value of the whole scheme.
After she had put Sir Tony to bed she went back to the smoking-room andopened the paper from which the news had been read. It took her sometime to find the paragraph. Her search was rendered difficult by thefact that the editor, much interested, apparently, in a subject calledthe League of Nations, had tucked this really important piece of newsinto a corner of a back page. In the end, when she discovered what shewanted, she was not much better off. The print was small. The words werelong and of a very unusual kind. Lady Corless could not satisfy herselfabout their meaning. She folded the paper up and put it safely into adrawer in the kitchen dresser before she went to bed.
Next day, rising early, as she always did, she fed her fowls and set themorning's milk in the dairy. She got Sir Tony's breakfast ready atnine o'clock and took it up to him. She saw to it that Danny, who wasinclined to be lazy, was in his pantry polishing silver. She made itclear to Sarah, Susy, and Molly that she really meant the library tobe thoroughly cleaned. It was a room which was never occupied, and thethree girls saw no sense in sweeping the floor and dusting the backs ofseveral thousand books. But their sister was firm and they had learnt toobey her.
Without troubling to put on a hat or to take off her working apron, LadyCorless got on her bicycle and rode down to her father's forge. She hadin her pocket the newspaper which contained the important paragraph.
Old Malone laid aside a cart-wheel to which he was fitting a new rim andfollowed his daughter into the house. He was much better educated thanshe was and had been for many years a keen and active politician. Hetook in the meaning of the paragraph at once.
"Gosh!" he said. "If that's true—and I'm not saying it is true; but, ifit is, it's the best yet. It's what's been wanted in Ireland this longtime."
He read the paragraph through again, slowly and carefully.
"Didn't I tell you?" he said, "didn't I tell everyone when t