Stranger Within

Joyce Yates

Description

The Stranger Within is a collection of poems that reflect upon the thoughts, emotions, and observations of a wife and a caretaker, from early stages of Alzheimers to death. It shares accounts of how a soul suffering from a disease is transformed into a shell, losing all ability to communicate, show emotion, and enjoy the loved ones who continue to care and provide support and dignity to life.The Stranger Within is a chronological outpouring of a wifes innermost thoughts, fears, frustration, and anger as she learns to deal with how this disease turns her, her lover, the family, and friends into victims, as it slowly steals away the life of everyone in one way or another. Alzheimers disease attacks everyone who is diagnosed at different stages in their lives, but it seems to attack in same manner and ultimately ends with the same result. During this process, these souls all in some way become a stranger to those who see them, but it is unknown what is happening in the mind of that person within.The Stranger Within, through each poem, provides insight or comfort to those who are either beginning, currently living, or who have ended their journey with Alzheimers and the stranger that came into their lives.

Sujets

• Poetry

Informations

• Publié par: Inspiring Voices
• Date de parution: 08 octobre 2015
• Nombre de lectures: 0
• EAN13: 9781462411344
• Langue: English

Extrait

THE STRANGER WITHIN
JOYCE YATES

Copyright © 2015 Joyce Yates.
 
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.
 
 
Inspiring Voices
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Bloomington, IN 47403
www.inspiringvoices.com
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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.
 
Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.
Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.
 
ISBN: 978-1-4624-1133-7 (sc)
ISBN: 978-1-4624-1134-4 (e)
 
Library of Congress Control Number: 2015908365
 
Inspiring Voices rev. date: 9/11/2015
CONTENTS
1   Foreword
2   Introduction
3   The Journey
Vacant Eyes
Who Is This Man?
The Stranger In Our Midst
Where Have You Gone?
Dancing In The Rain
Another Year Gone By
4   The Inevitable Progression
He Is There, And I Am Here
Will The Real Earnie Please Stand Up?
Communication
5   The Never-Ending Battle
6   I Want To Find Myself
7   Grieving
Unresolved Grief
Forgotten Love
8   Wishful Thinking
9   Good Day, Bad Day
My Love And I
Good Day, Bad Day
10   Letting Go
11   Spousal Loneliness
Despair
Another Lonely Day
Remembering What Was And Mourning Its Loss
Lost, All Lost
12   The Community Of Caregivers
Be Strong
The Community Of Caregivers
13   God’s Love
Reflections Of God’s Love
God’s Special Helper
A Letter To My Child
Our Neighborhood
A Love Letter From Mom
14   Meditations And Reflections
Meaning Of Life
I Never Meditated
Reality
15   Reflections
Vacation Time
Christmas Memories
Another Birthday
Letter From A Father To A Father
Remember Me
I Dreamed A Dream
16   The Eulogy
17   About The Author
18   Biblical Resources
DEDICATION
I could not have endured the ten years of this Alzheimer’s journey without the love and comfort of my family, especially my son, Zane, his family, and my daughter, Debra, and her husband. I wish to thank also my dear friend Pat Coughlin, who was a good friend when I desperately needed one.
I must conclude with admiration and love for my dear husband who endured his illness with bravery and gallantry. He was always described by his caregivers as being a true gentleman. In each day that passed, I gained more admiration and love for him and inner strength to fight the battle beside him to overcome this horrible disease that was slowly taking him away, only because through it all, it was he who refused to give up and give in.
FOREWORD
I wrote this collection of poems after my husband, Earnie Yates, was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease. I was devastated by the thought of this diagnosis and what it meant to him and our relationship, and I feared what we would face in the months and years to come. I felt a great need to express myself to help release my anger, frustration, fear, and broken heartedness. I needed to speak, cry, and somehow get the bad thoughts out of my mind.
So many thoughts, so many emotions kept rushing in, and I had them racing through my mind constantly. I have always been one to express myself more in writing and not outwardly in my actions or words. It felt so natural for me to place my thoughts on paper, and they came in the form of the verses that follow in this collection of poems.
The first was one written only to give me this therapeutic outlet. It was something that really was not to be shared with others but was for me to read and reflect upon. By reading my own poetry, I found peace of mind and heart. I had never written poetry before, but the words seemed to pour out of me with no volition, as though my soul was crying from the weight of my sorrow. I found the need and desire to continue as my husband and I traveled this long journey. Many poems followed that reflected my innermost thoughts, feelings, observations, and messages to my family and friends and most importantly my dear, sweet husband.
I found comfort in writing this collection and now realize the value of sharing these poems with those who knew my husband, with my family and friends and those who have or are suffering as we did.
INTRODUCTION
The neurologist came into the room where my son and I sat waiting. We had been fortunate to obtain an appointment with this group of researches renowned for their expertise in the search for the cure of Alzheimer’s, which was considered to be a form of dementia.
“I want to run some more tests and obtain an MRI,” the doctor began, “but I can tell you now I am fairly certain that your husband has dementia of the Alzheimer’s kind.” The verdict was not unexpected, as I knew that my husband had memory deficits; in fact he had been having difficulty for approximately four years previous to this medical diagnosis. I had taken on more and more of his tasks as gradually he had been unable to balance his checkbook or take care of expenses. He had been the teacher of an adult bible class, and I had taken on responsibility of writing the lessons for a year, helping him to cover his disability of composing written language. His cognitive and decision-making abilities were visibly impaired. The pronouncement nevertheless was a painful reminder of the dreadful future my sweetheart and I would face.
“I would cry, but it won’t help,” I remarked to my son as we left the building.
“Those were stupid, stupid questions,” exclaimed my husband, revealing his state of denial. This was the culmination of many trips to many doctors trying to find out what could possibly be the cause of my loved one’s difficulty with memory and problems with mental tasks. For a long time as we searched for answers to the mysterious behaviors, I never once thought that my husband could have Alzheimer’s. I had heard of the malady but had no knowledge of it beyond casual remembrance. However, as time passed, I researched the disease and finally had to conclude this was probably the illness. My family and I still harbored some hope, however, that some other physical condition could have been the causal agent. The doctor’s confirmation of that which I had suspected was emotionally devastating.
My grieving is with me constantly as I contemplate and experience, the living death of my sweetheart. I accept the reality of my loss that my husband of fifty-four years is gone and will never return in this life. However, I am stuck in the grieving process and probably will be until God parts us. I have gone through denial and anger and have finally accepted the inevitable, but I cannot conquer depression and the mourning of my loved one’s “death,” with only a beloved stranger remaining to care for. I accept the reality of the loss but cannot complete this task of mourning because I am faced with it every day. I have mitigated some of the pain by taking medication for depression, but I know that if I am not careful, my physical body is going to suffer from the effects of this emotional roller coaster. I have to some extent tried to lessen some of this grief by developing a shell around my emotions and not delving into the darkness that lies in wait to devour me. Like a volcano that has to blow sometimes to relieve pressure, I sometimes sit down and have a good cry. I can do things I never thought I would be able to do, but I have yet to adjust to the loss of the role my partner fulfilled in our marriage. I suppose I will never be able to as long as he is a physical reminder of that which he and I have lost. I personally cannot even think of another relationship while my loved one is here with me, but I have tried to be closer to my children and grandchildren and to make those bonds much stronger.
My mourning will not be finished until the final parting is accomplished. Even contemplating the pain I must endure for perhaps a long, long time is so bleak that I usually just live on the surface of my emotions, trying not to think about it all, loving this stranger, and living in my memories of the wonderful life we did have. I know what I have described is selfish in so many ways in that I talk about what is happening to me. I do realize the sadness in what my husband has lost, but he does not experience the emotional pain that I am aware of and probably is unaware of what is happening to him. I pray to God that this is true and I thank God for His presence in my husband’s life. Rather ironic, isn’t it, that we who have our minds intact are suffering the most.
THE JOURNEY
 
 
M y poetry originated in the experiences with my sweetheart as we encountered the many common milestones in our Alzheimer’s journey. Feelings of anxiety, happiness, sadness, loneliness, and grief often overwhelmed me, and I became distraught. I had never written poetry before, but as I dwelled on my inability to conquer these feelings, words flowed from my inner consciousness. I wrote them into poems according to my reaction to every aspect of this long good-bye.
The poems were written over several years and are, I hope, a revealing look at the emotions, grief, and broodings of a group of caregivers trying to endure the pain of losing a love