Cocaine the Death of Dreams

Charles Nolan Wolf

Description

The most powerful and emotional book
ever written on cocaine addiction.
Based on the true story of one man's struggle to save his two small children from their chemically dependent mother.
Shame


you left me to the nightmares of a dark room in an attic.

you left me to the shadows of a ghost I could not see.

you left me there to shiver and to crouch in silent places

when all the world I’d ever known had gone away from me.


you left me with a memory and the image of your face.

you left me with the fear of death that I could not erase.

you left me when I needed you when I was only three

when all the world I’d ever known had gone away from me.


you left me without warning without telling me good-bye.

you left me without saying that you loved me when I cried.

you left me in the shadows of a child I could not find

when all the world I’d ever known had left me far behind.


you left me for a shot of booze a line of coke but more

you left me in the dark of night when I was only four.

you left me by myself to find a way to stop the fear,

when all I ever wanted was for you to be so near.


and now I’m standing oh so tall so daring and so proud

that I have made myself a world where you are not allowed.

a world that is free of pain where little children play

against the dark room shadows of a ghost I cannot name.

Sujets

• Poetry

Informations

• Publié par: iUniverse
• Date de parution: 11 août 2008
• Nombre de lectures: 1
• EAN13: 9780595910137
• Langue: English

Extrait

Cocaine the Death of Dreams
one single tear have I shed for you …
it is the tear of sacrifice, the tear of forgiveness,
and the tear of blood that fills these pages.
Charles Wolf


Cocaine the Death of Dreams
 
 
Copyright © 2009, 2011 by Charles Nolan Wolf.
 
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.
 
 
 
 
iUniverse
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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.
 
Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.
Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.
 
ISBN: 978-0-5954-6718-1 (sc)
ISBN: 978-1-4401-6209-1 (hc)
ISBN: 978-0-5959-1013-7 (e)
 
 
 
 
iUniverse rev. date: 03/20/2023
Contents
Acknowledgments
Preface
Voices of this Story
The Child: abandoned
The Mother: junkie
The Father: Jekyll and Hyde
Cocaine: the lady in white
Despair: solid stone
Chapter I one man’s tale of love and betrayal
my mother
my father
the boy
silver fox
temptation’s eyes
fucked
there where you left stars
weakness
shining star
sad mistaken
damnation
the needle and the womb
bloodlines
forsaken
nothing left
indecision
the day you died forever
contradictions
I love you still
peeking in your window
reflections of a perfect smile
deceived
still words
one single tear
your silent death
remains of memories
behind your shadow
forgiven
emptiness
felony theft
conundrum
want ads
a deepening depression
wanted you to know
giving up
full moon desire
battleground of love
black widow
the spirit seven years
change
conscience
Chapter II before the hate made hell
addict
March 21, 1991
dependence
my promise
vampire
same old story
lost
the perfect shelter
blood thirst
tormented
Lucifer
the screaming fuck
wishful thinking
the great cover-up
needle in the vein
something human
your bloody needles
a cry for help
escape
wounds that won’t heal
so many years ago
one blank page
tilt-a-whirl
deception and denial
your final offering
killing the pain
she’s already dead
Chapter III anger
buried alive
bitter sorrow
temptation
dead man with his horror
one man’s sperm
contempt
without love
the bullet’s in the gun
another way
cocaine
the death of dreams
desperation
and the children suffer
bitter resentment
you know who you are
harsh words
profound sickness
some things never change
death in motion
where did you lose that needle?
jones
mercy killing
bad dreams
baseball bats and double-bladed axes
the pusher
down there
your mutilated brain
pathetic waste
Chapter IV the stench of law enforcement
and t he l aws protect you
Betty and Sue
“do it all Sue”
deliver my children from evil
it’s your move, bitch
responsibility
it’s the law
simple facts
the legal binge
I have a law
the stench of law enforcement
cottonmouth
dirty money
shared feelings
predator
Chapter V the murder of childhood
bitter love
beautiful big brown eyes
it’s what she’s been seeing for years
abandoned
what’s left
through a child’s eyes
the murder of childhood
shame
pain is
for my little girl
a blessing
sometimes they never come home
remembering
Chapter VI rising from the ashes
diary
in the end
the hangman
weather report
rebirth
I do not know you anymore
reunion
searching
something personal
my shadow
salvation
the stone
redemption
my son
unnoticed
Amaretto
reflections
desolation
death
for M
words
the price I paid
References
Quotation Resources

To the millions of human beings who have been stricken with or affected by the disease of chemical dependence, and to those caring individuals who have given unselfishly of themselves to heal their wounds.
And to a world of children whose voices have not yet been heard.
for my children
 
always build your home with brick and stone.
plant a garden rich with love and grace.
open to the man and to the beast,
all that you have gathered for the feast.
 
open to your eyes, this world shows.
open to your heart, this world grows.
one hand digging in the earth,
one hand reaching for the stars.
 
nature gives without reward,
nature takes without command.
God reminds us of our choice.
one path followed, one path forged.
 
Acknowledgments
Grateful acknowledgment is given to Harold Schindler for his devoted efforts and keen editorial eye. I would also like to thank my friends who stood by me during some of the darkest moments of this nightmare. Special thanks to Ben, Randy, Mary, and Jenny. They were the very few who whispered in my ear when everyone else was screaming.
 
Preface
The words within this book are based on the true story of one man’s struggle to free his two small children from their cocaine-addicted mother. The names, locations, and dates have been changed to protect individual identities.
 
Due to the subject matter of this book some readers may find parts of this work offensive. This book is not intended for children or the faint-of-heart!
 
This book and its contents are protected by the First Amendment to the United States Constitution. It is the expressed hope of the author that this most important amendment be recognized. Many of the poems and prose written within this book are based on the author’s opinion.
 
If you do not believe in freedom of speech or the First Amendment do not read this book!
 
For more information regarding this book and samples of the poetry and prose, please review our Web site at www.cocainejunkie.com .
 
Sincerely,
Charles Nolan Wolf

This is not a work of fiction, although I wish it had been. The material within this book was born out of anger, fear, disgust, despair, frustration, sorrow, and all of the other emotions that emerge from living with a chemically dependent human being. If this work seems repulsive and distasteful it is simply because drug addiction and its results are all of these things and more. I have not intentionally tried to offend anyone. On the contrary, I have only tried to relate the very real and all too often devastating and destructive results of chemical dependence and codependence. The losses that occur are enormous and affect all aspects of human life. Sickness, disease, financial ruin, spiritual decay, family disintegration, child abuse, mental illness, and death are all very real results when this madness is left to continue. But when drug abuse and addiction affect our children it is the greatest of sins.
 
I have written these words with the hope that in some small way they may touch someone who is burdened and sick with grief from the living hell of drug addiction and its results. I have also written these words with hope that in some way the laws may be modified to help the poor souls who are now trapped within this vicious death rattle. I give thanks for the opportunity to share these words with you and may you be fortunate enough to never experience the death of dreams.

Cocaine: the Death of Dreams is Mr. Wolf’s first collected body of work. It represents a journey that has spanned the last seven years of his life, a journey that will not end with the publication of this book. The poetry and prose within these pages was born out of an overwhelming desire to free his children from the devastating effects of living with a chemically dependent parent. His absolute disgust toward the inadequate laws that govern drug abuse and child abuse has repeatedly been fueled by the agonizing frustration of not being able to save his children from this nightmare. He has continually sought help from attorneys, social services, and law enforcement agencies only to be smothered with double-talk and rejection.
 
The material within this book paints a sad and ugly picture of a reality that currently many millions of children in this country must live with on a day-to-day basis. It is the sincere hope of the author that someday these words might make a difference.

Volumes have been written about drug addiction, abuse, codependence, recovery, and relapse, but no one has mentioned how to save innocent children from the destructive forces of their chemically dependent parent/s. Indeed, it is literally impossible to intervene on behalf of any adult who for whatever reasons and through whatever addiction is destroying the lives of everyone around them, not to mention their own life. As long as those individuals are free to manipulate, mutilate, and mor