Sleepwalking on Words

Mansi Khandelwal

Description

“Letter to my future self
Do you remember you once read that every person in this world is one word of a poem, and everyone that leaves too soon - they render the poem incomplete. You gave it an eye roll, knowing the poem was already incomplete.
But have you not figured it out yet? You are the one that needs to write that poem. You are supposed to save every word you can and include it twice for everyone who left.”
This book holds your hand through the turbulences of depression, making you gasp for breath at times; nevertheless, landing you safe on the other side.
“I told you I dream of the ocean
so you decided I needed to know what drowning felt like
/you are efficient”
Take my hand, for you are not alone. I know depression will haunt you still, try to drown you still, but take my words along.. Let them hold you, and allow yourself to just be.

Sujets

• Poetry

Informations

• Publié par: Partridge Publishing India
• Date de parution: 03 octobre 2022
• Nombre de lectures: 0
• EAN13: 9781543708806
• Langue: English

Extrait

sleepwalking on words
 
 
 
 
MANSI KHANDELWAL
 
 
 

 
 
 
Copyright © 2022 by Mansi Khandelwal.
 
ISBN:
Softcover
978-1-5437-0881-3

eBook
978-1-5437-0880-6
 
 
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.
 
Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.
 
 
 
 
 
 
www.partridgepublishing.com/india
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
sleepwalking on words
/hold my hand else i might disappear
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
being young is so hard.
you’re doing an amazing job :)
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
to the one who saw me,
and kept me alive long enough to write these poems.
you, Arjun sir, are what keeps me believing.
i love you endlessly.
Disclaimer | Trigger Warning
while everything in this book has been written with the intention of making others going through similar stuff feel less alone, i still request you not to use this book as a potential trigger and read it in a destructive state of mind. i know it can ironically be tempting to make the ache stay, to make it grow roots inside your body, but from whatever i’ve learnt of healing, it’s possible to be embraced by it even if you feel like you’re drowning in quicksand so stay still. love and light are looking for you already, you just have to let them find you. and i promise, the good moments? however small they might seem, they’re always worth it. love.
 
 
 
 
hey
please stay
you’ve been vanishing for way too long
fading away into thin air
as abruptly as life does
i can’t afford to lose you, not again
i hold my breath
a vain attempt to stop time
what’s the point of this
choking on the ashes of the past
my soul has gone frail
walking on the corpse
of who i used to be
i wish i didn’t know what i do
tears meet my eyes
i try to blink them away
i blink
still holding on
forever will be
but for now, you’re gone
i’m coming too
 
 
 
 
 
white lies made of rose vines
broken hearts and fake smiles
it’s blood dripping in faint moonlight
we tried
the fall hurts more than the bruises
screaming quietly was never supposed to be easy
looking through shattered glasses
was never supposed to feel familiar
all this hurt is now engraved in our bones
all this pain a second skin
we are but failed suicide attempts
the tears never fell
the night doesn’t pretty much end before we do
 
 
 
 
 
just sad kids on dead end roads
recklessly thriving the nights away
though practically lost, we’re found
forgotten streets are where we belong
the streetlights burn just for us
remnants of gloom beginning to decay
it’s just the moon and us
carelessly hurting, and healing
nothing can fray this feeling away
this is who we are
unaffected, limitless, neverending and alive
gone before the break of dawn
but for now
we stretch as far as the night
our true selves will evaporate with the dark
but we will remain
and for the sake of this night
we will survive
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
knuckles as red as our lipstick
hair swaying with the wind
we’re lying on the highway
i swear this is home
we’re meteorites
crashing and burning
merging into infinity
the goddess’s sin
fate holds no power over us
this moment
a tiny speck in our life journals
it lasts forever
even when it’s long gone
and in it
/we remain/
 
 
 
madness
-/ˈmadnəs’/
-noun
 
1. laughing hollow laughter, the echo singing of heartbreaks, we dance. we dance like no one’s watching because even if they are, it’s not us they watch. intoxicated by different flavours of destruction, we run as if life won’t be able to catch up with us, oblivious of the fact that we never left it behind, gratefully or ungratefully.
 
2. we’re asteroids, aren’t we? posing as shooting stars for a mere second before burning, we resolve to pose again and again and again before taking a few shots and tripping again but that moment, that damn moment when you realise you’re tripping again. we keep at it for its high.
 
3. they tell me it’s okay, we’re just ‘trying to be happy’, so i get up to fall again. bruised knees, bleeding knuckles, tripping on purpose, we are surprised when a tear escapes at night as we see our tired hands brush it off before the moon can see and maybe it makes us realise that we never really tripped again but just once more, just a million little once more-s, you’ll find us pretending that we did.
 
 
 
 
leaped over fences
morals all rotten
we’re fallen angels
divine sinners
just good kids in the dark
outcomes of internal collisions
shooting stars
or rocks
it’s all the same
sinners for we’ve been sinned against
cold for we’ve been warm
only to combust
end up in a forest fire
so screw the boundaries
barbed wires can’t reach the veins anyway
sweet smiles on, we’ll be back by dusk
in the dark, it’s okay if angels burn
being alive is the closest we’re allowed to get
to feeling okay
 
 
 
 
i’ve known emotions other than melancholy
but loved none as much as this one
accessorising my skin with scars
there have been constellations of blood on my arms
it felt intimate the first time
so i made a home out of it
it’s not a drug of choice, no
just a survival hack
hunt yourself
for otherwise they will
how can you blame a child
for trying to accept what feels like destiny
pain comes to me naturally
it’s in indecent amounts
i’m forever engulfed by it
and oh the debris of my heart
wait, my whole self
it’s all floating away
 
 
 
 
 
bleeding knuckles, fatal thoughts
bleary eyes, self-destructive wants
vicious words despite fractured souls
paying dearly for the sins committed
children aren’t supposed to be warriors
tragedy isn’t supposed to feel like home
the devil’s showing mercy now
god’s been non-existent
love hasn’t been heard of for miles
it’s a concept long forgotten
hate’s become synonymous for sanity
but it’s just what justice calls for
we’re choking on reality
too scared to even pinch ourselves
for if this doesn’t end
we do
 
 
 
 
 
i need to escape again
more than i need to destroy the part of me i need to escape from
kids aren’t supposed to lie in bed
wondering whether the fan falling
would cause enough damage
overwhelmed shouldn’t be our default state
relapse shouldn’t be our escape
but where else can we be ourselves
our true, sad, premature selves
damage is the only thing embracing us
our loved hearts have been devoid of love
how do we not embrace it back
it’s domestic violence, yes
but it’s all we’ve ever known of home
and we can’t get away
we’re lost enough without losing home
so it’ll never go away
 
 
 
 
you ask me why my art’s so dark
i shrug saying it’s easier to birth
you know i know you know it’s not
but it’s impossible for me to put into words
how self hate’s forever been my second skin
or how the thing i’m most comfortable with
is having my heart penetrated
you’d ask me to just stop
but how can i unskin myself
i’m the monster under my own bed
i lie to you
so i can be true to my art
it’s all i am and all i have
suicidal sketches and heart wrenching metaphors
and oh, don’t you know
loving your worst demons
is being loved by them
but they’re called demons for a reason
you’ve seen it in my eyes
so before i can stop you
run
/i knew this question was the end of us/
 
 
 
 
meeting you after all these months
i’ve played out the scene a million times in my head
i know by heart
how my belief in all things good will be rekindled
as soon as your eyes meet mine
and how despite all, your heart will smile
as we embrace each other
refusing to ever let go
it’s gonna be a feeling too surreal
to last if we do
so we’re gonna hold on
never hurting each other
making fairy tales come true
but isn’t the concept of true tales
a tale as well
isn’t life too fondly in love with our broken hearts
to let the hope we’re surviving on take color
won’t it just be a dream