In the Belly of the Bell-Shaped Curve

Michael Carter

Description

In this contemporary satirical novel, protagonist, Turk, envisions a work monkey that will make him millions as he embezzles money to finance a hilarious scheme.
Meet Turk, a frustrated claims adjuster who feels like a work monkey spinning his wheels for an insurance company. He desires to throw a monkey wrench in the works and develops a plan to free him from his boring life and make him rich. It might be one of the best fiction novels off the beaten path that looks at the American debt economy in what Kirkus Reviews called “an often-funny satire of the excesses of the free market ethos.”
If successful, his plan will liberate a vast majority of human beings from the drudgery and monotony of their own monkey work or what the commoner might refer to as a job. Turk envisions the Primo-Primate Project to create a real work monkey from trained chimpanzees who operate digital sales registers.
Suppose you’re looking for a fiction book with philosophical themes that explores the line between madness and spiritual revelation. In that case, you’ll enjoy the tension the author creates in this contemporary satirical novel as the lead character examines his loneliness and isolation amidst others’ perceptions of him.
Enjoy the humor as Turk works to free humanity from the mundane and dull and replace it with monkey work that makes money and quite a few laughs too.
The acclaimed Kirkus Reviews also said (In the Belly of the Bell-Shaped Curve,) “Carter doesn’t just offer readers a hapless Everyperson in these pages; he gives Turk dimension by making him a self-help disciple with delusions of grandeur.”

Sujets

• Fiction
• Suspense
• Thrillers

Informations

• Publié par: iUniverse
• Date de parution: 29 octobre 2020
• Nombre de lectures: 0
• EAN13: 9781663206855
• Langue: English

Extrait

IN THE BELLY OF THE BELL-SHAPED CURVE
 
 
 
 
 
MICHAEL CARTER
 
 
 

 
IN THE BELLY OF THE BELL-SHAPED CURVE
 
 
Copyright © 2020 Michael Carter.
 
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.
 
 
 
 
iUniverse
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www.iuniverse.com
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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.
 
Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.
Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.
 
ISBN: 978-1-6632-0684-8 (sc)
ISBN: 978-1-6632-0686-2 (hc)
ISBN: 978-1-6632-0685-5 (e)
 
Library of Congress Control Number: 2020914798
 
 
 
iUniverse rev. date: 12/11/2020
Contents
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“Your ad said we would never have to work again.”
“That’s exactly right!” Turk said. “Your monkey does the work. Your monkey makes the money. All you have to do is take care of your monkey!”
“Okay. So what I think you’re saying is that you don’t actually have any monkeys for sale today, but if we give you some of our money now to invest in this idea of yours, we stand to make a lot of money in the future. We will also be guaranteed our own free Primo … something, whatever you call them, these chimpanzees that do all the work—”
“Primo-Primates. And I must say, not only is this a great investment opportunity, but it is, perhaps, the beginning of an entirely new way of life!”
It was nine o’clock Monday morning. Turk was huddled in the corner of a fast-food restaurant with three middle-aged men who had responded to his ad in the local paper. He was wearing aviator sunglasses with mirrored lenses, knowing they could not see his eyes, only their own reflections staring back at them. Turk thought this was a great sales technique.
The tabletops were shiny and resilient. The tables were molded into the chairs, which were bolted to the floor. The walls were only three feet high and painted to look like red bricks. Mounted above was a continuous panel of thick glass. The entire dining area could be hosed down, wiped clean, and disinfected in minutes. Turk and his colleagues were enclosed in a safe, hermetically sealed environment.
As Turk looked down at his small audience, it occurred to him that, unfortunately, he was very much among his peers. They all looked older, fatter, and balder than how he saw himself, but he knew that he could no longer cover up the signs of aging. He had the inevitable roll of fat around his waistline that his suit coat could no longer hide and the beginnings of a double chin. His cheeks were slightly flushed and a little puffy. He still had his hair, most of it, but it was turning from brown to gray. He kept it cut short, but the gray parts stuck out straighter than the rest.
Although Turk sensed skepticism from his questioner, he stood firm. The key was to exude confidence. There was no way he could convince others to believe in his revolutionary concept if they were not convinced that he believed in it. As he spoke, he made emphatic gestures with his right hand. In his left hand, he held a large Styrofoam cup filled with steaming hot coffee.
“Think about it,” continued Turk. “You could sit around in your underwear and monitor your investments. You could play computer games or poker online all day. You could paint or write poetry. You could eat potato chips, lie by the pool, and have a beer, watch TV, whatever you want. No more work for you. The monkeys do all the work. Utopia! A Trotskian paradise!”
Turk waited for a reaction, but there was no response.
“Here’s the thing. I could operate this entire restaurant with only one human being. You wouldn’t believe what scientists are doing with chimpanzees. They’re teaching them how to communicate in sign language, how to operate simple machinery, even how to play video games. We all know that in the early days of the space program, they launched chimps into space. Our primate cousins were actually the first to explore outer space.”
Turk paused for a moment. He realized he was talking too loud and too fast. He often did this when he got excited. He had tried to work on it. Liz, his now ex-wife, used to tell him to calm down and stop quacking like a duck. Don’t talk at people, she would say, talk to them.
“So how do you plan to pull this off? Why are you asking us for money to help fund a project involving a bunch of monkeys?”
It was the same guy who had asked the previous questions. Turk knew from experience that if he could convince this guy, the dominant one, the other two would follow his lead. Turk had learned at least this much from his research on primates. But this guy was a total assclown. What Turk had not learned from his research was whether being the dominant one also meant being an arrogant asshole, or at least an asshole. The guy had gray stubble on his face, and his hair looked greasy and disheveled. His shirt was wrinkled. If he was so smart, why was he sitting here on a Monday morning in a fast-food restaurant responding to Turk’s ad?
“At this moment, I’m in negotiations with my contacts in Africa to purchase the chimpanzees. I’m developing software to operate cash registers that make it even easier for the chimps to do simple transactions. Even with the technology that is now available, you don’t have to be able to add and subtract, just count from one to ten. The computer tells you how much change to give back to the customer. I’m developing manuals that will show, step-by-step, how to train the chimps to operate these machines.
“I’ve got a business plan that combines advanced chimpanzee training techniques to enhance animal intelligence with computer technology that simplifies the most basic, boring, and mundane tasks that we humans engage in. You have a once-in-a-lifetime chance to be in on the ground floor of something truly revolutionary. This is an opportunity that comes along maybe once in a millennium. This is not just a product but the foundation of an ideology that will redefine the entire concept of work. You pay us a small fee upfront, and we train your monkey, well actually, chimpanzee. We train the chimp to do your job. The monkey takes your place and does your job for you. The monkey does the work. The monkey makes the money. All you have to do is take care of your monkey!”
Turk realized again that he was talking too loudly and had started flailing his right hand wildly. He looked around the restaurant to make sure he had not drawn attention to himself.
“So how much do these monkeys cost?” asked the assclown.
“Well, you’re one step ahead of me here. We don’t actually have the chimps yet. That’s why we are looking for investors—farsighted men and women who can make this concept a reality, people who are willing to put down a small amount of money now for potentially huge profits in the future. The potential market is as large as the population of the planet. Everyone will want their own surrogate worker to do as much for them as possible.
“There is a definite market here. I mean, who wants to do all this boring, menial shit day in and day out? I don’t. Do you? I’ve found a truly primal need and developed a plan to fill that need. This is something that men and women have yearned for throughout all human history. It is embedded deep in our collective consciousness. It is the desire to be free from work! It is the hope that someday we can be free from the boring and menial tasks that drag us down and make us dread our day-to-day existence.”
“So the bottom line is that you are asking us for money now, but we don’t know when we will ever get our chimps?” the assclown said sarcastically.
“Not exactly,” replied Turk. “What we’re talking about is investing your money with the expectation of increasing your wealth. And, of course, once you have realized a huge profit from your investment, you’ll be able to buy all the chimps that you want.”
“I thought your ad said come to this seminar and we would never have to work again.”
“That’s right. That’s what we’re talking about. Take care of your monkey.”
“The ad didn’t say anything about investing. It talked about making money without working.” The assclown wouldn’t let it go.
“Right, but not immediately, not in the short term. We have to take a slightly broader view.” Turk paused. “This is probably a good time to take a break. I promised you breakfast. I’ll tell you what. Here’s a twenty-dollar bill. You guys go ahead and buy yourselves anything you want. And if there’s any change left over, keep it. You’ve all got my business card. If this sounds like something you’d be interested in pursuing, give me a call or shoot me an email.”
As the two men and the assclown moved from the table to the counter to order their complimentary breakfasts, Turk felt a twinge of frustration. He had to remember what he