The Don Con

Richard Armstrong

Description

The Mafia comes to Comic-Con in this fast-paced suspense caper and outrageous pop culture satire. Joey Volpe hit the high watermark of his acting career when he played a small role as a mobster on The Sopranos. If you blinked, you missed it. But now he’s unemployed, broke, and forced to make a living by signing autographs at pop-culture fan conventions, or “Fan-Cons,” for $35 a pop. His lack of income, along with his chronic womanizing, has put his marriage at risk, too. But Joey’s life gets even worse when real mobster Tony Rosetti shows up in the autograph line with a plan to rob the next Fan-Con―an offer Joey can’t refuse. When the heist goes awry, Joey has a beef with Rosetti and two long years to plan. Partnered with a smooth-talking con man, Joey is using all his acting skills on new projects: Revenge. Money. And saving his marriage.

Informations

• Publié par: Linden Publishing
• Date de parution: 01 avril 2019
• Nombre de lectures: 0
• EAN13: 9781610353489
• Langue: English

Extrait

ADVANCE PRAISE FOR
T HE D ON C ON
A clever, fast-paced, and bittersweet caper. The Don Con is to Fan-Cons as Galaxy Quest is to Star Trek conventions.
-Jonathan Frakes , Commander William T. Riker on Star Trek: The Next Generation
I loved this book! It could be my f*#%$@ autobiography!
-Joe Gannascoli , Vito Spatafore on The Sopranos
From its clever title to the crackling dialogue to the running gags that never get old, Richard Armstrong s The Don Con is a hilarious, fast-paced yarn in the tradition of Elmore Leonard and Carl Hiaasen.
-Brian Rouff , author of Dice Angel and The House Always Wins
Marvelously entertaining, with witty dialogue, off-the-wall characters, and Shakespeare, The Don Con is clever, exceptionally well-written, and wildly funny.
-Gretchen Archer , bestselling author of the Davis Way Crime Capers
A damn funny, fun, fast-paced caper story you won t want to put down.
-Dan Kennedy , coauthor of Win, Place, or Die and Speaking of Murder
Sheer and unadulterated reading pleasure.
-Beverly Swerling , author of Bristol House
You re in for a wild romp through pop culture peppered with mobsters and mayhem in Richard Armstrong s terrific new novel The Don Con . The book s smart, witty, and a joy to read from first page to last.
-Donna Baier Stein , author of Sympathetic People and The Silver Baron s Wife
The Don Con lets loose on acting and stardom, Shakespeare, the mob, prison, revenge, redemption, and a dog named Gizmo. An amazing performance. Read it! You ll love it.
-Deke Castleman , author of Whale Hunt in the Desert
Whether television bit player or Mafia big shot, every character in this book comes alive. Everyone who likes a good, suspenseful caper will be eager to keep reading.
-David G. Schwartz , Director of the Center for Gaming Research at University of Nevada, Las Vegas, and author of Roll the Bones: The History of Gambling
Join hapless protagonist Joey Volpe on this romp through the hidden worlds of minimum-security jails, Fan-Cons and more. You couldn t possibly have more fun than I did.
-Frank S. Joseph , author of To Love Mercy
Joey Volpe, bit actor on The Sopranos , rueful ladies man, and involuntarily Mafioso, takes readers on a rollicking personal tour of pop culture, from Star Trek to aging child stars to Comic-Con, as he navigates the equally impossible systems of the Screen Actors Guild and organized crime. From the moment his dog, Gizmo, is kidnapped until he wages battle with the Philadelphia mob, you cannot help but root for Joey to come out on top.
-Ann Bauer , author of Forgiveness 4 You
Here s your beach trip packing list. 1. Swimsuit. 2. Sunscreen. 3. Richard Armstrong s superb new caper novel The Don Con . It s a great summer read about ham actors, ham-handed gangsters, and inept con artists, all trying to survive the summer alive, and told with great humor and an insider s eye.
-John Corcoran , former KABC film TV critic and author of Doing Julia
T HE D ON C ON
Richard Armstrong

Pace Press Fresno, California
The Don Con
Copyright 2019 by Richard Armstrong. All rights reserved.
Published by Pace Press
An imprint of Linden Publishing
2006 South Mary Street, Fresno, California 93721
[phone] / [phone]
PacePress.com
Pace Press and Colophon are trademarks of Linden Publishing, Inc.
ISBN 978-1-61035-336-6
135798642
Printed in the United States of America on acid-free paper.
This is a work of fiction. The names, places, characters, and incidents in this book are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual people, places, or events is coincidental. Whenever real celebrities, places, or businesses have been mentioned or appear in this novel, they have been used fictitiously.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Armstrong, Richard, 1952- author.
Title: The don con / Richard Armstrong.
Description: Fresno, California : Pace Press, [2019]
Identifiers: LCCN 2018052703 | ISBN 9781610353366 (pbk. : alk. paper)
Subjects: LCSH: Swindlers and swindling--Fiction. | GSAFD: Humorous fiction.
Classification: LCC PS3601.R577 D66 2019 | DDC 813/.6--dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2018052703
Dedicated to the memory of my sister, Lydia K. Armstrong
Contents
Act One The Set-Up
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Act Two The Convincer
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Chapter 28
Chapter 29
Chapter 30
Chapter 31
Chapter 32
Chapter 33
Act Three The Switch
Chapter 34
Chapter 35
Chapter 36
Chapter 37
Chapter 38
Chapter 39
Chapter 40
Acknowledgments
About the Author
You ve not experienced Shakespeare until you ve read it in the original Klingon.
- Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country
A CT O NE T HE S ET -U P
1
Until the day they stole my dog Gizmo, I always thought my life would turn out to be a comedy. In other words, I thought it would have a happy ending.
That s what my Shakespeare professor in college taught me about the difference between comedy and tragedy. A comedy always has a happy ending, he said, even if a bunch of sad stuff happens along the way. A tragedy, on the other hand, could have you rolling in the aisles with laughter from the moment the curtain rises. By the time it falls, everybody onstage is lying in a pool of blood.
On the day they dognapped Gizmo, I was still betting on comedy. A lot of funny stuff had happened in my forty years on earth, that s for sure. But then a mobster stole my dog, and I realized he could kill me. Worse, he could kill my wife and daughter, too. I couldn t think of anything more tragic than that.
It all started with a silly argument between me and Caitlin about whose turn it was to walk the dog. It really was her turn to walk him. Honestly, it was. But I lost the argument. I was losing a lot of arguments in those days after she caught me cheating with another woman.
Wonder Woman, to be precise.
It s not my turn to walk him, I said.
I don t care if it s your turn or not, said Caitlin. You ve spent the last three days in Atlantic City screwing Wonder Woman while I ve been taking care of the dog and your daughter. The least you can do to make things fair around here would be to take Gizmo for a walk around the block.
Caitlin, please stop making jokes about me sleeping with some female superhero. It happened one time. Are you going to keep giving me shit about it for the rest of your life? Because if you are, I m outta here.
Good idea. Why don t you take Gizmo for a walk and just keep on going? But bring the dog back first.
Gizmo, come. I put the harness and leash on our little white terrier and headed out the door.
It was the night before trash pickup on the Upper West Side of Manhattan, Gizmo s favorite night of the week. On most nights it would take me fifteen minutes to walk him around the block. This night, it took twice as long because Gizmo was a big believer in stopping to smell the roses. Only in his case the roses were old chicken wings, empty soup cans, and half-eaten bagels.
We were halfway around the block when a car ran up on the curb and screeched to a halt ten feet away from where Gizmo and I were standing, almost hitting the dog. There were two young black guys in the car and they threw open the doors and charged in my direction.
What the hell are you doing? You almost hit my dog!
They didn t answer.
Instead, one guy grabbed me by the throat and threw me against the brick wall of the nearest building. My head hit the wall hard and I could feel blood start to gush out. The other guy took the leash out of my hands and pulled Gizmo away from me. I could see him pick Gizmo up in his arms and carry him back to the car. A dognapping ? That s strange, I thought. But I had more pressing things on my mind. The first guy shoved his forearm hard against my throat, almost choking me to death.
Give me your money, motherfucker.
All right, all right. I was in no position to fight back. He was bigger than me. Stronger. And there were two of them. All I could do was give them whatever they wanted.
I don t have much money, but I ll give you everything I ve got.
Hand it over now, asshole.
So I gave him my wallet. My watch, too.
He looked over the meager haul. That s it?
I m just an actor, I said.
He slipped his foot behind mine and gave me a shove. I tripped and fell to the ground, scraping my arms and elbows as I tried to break my fall. The mugger ran back to the car. His partner was in the passenger seat, holding Gizmo in his lap. Gizmo struggled to break free and barked like crazy. I got to my feet as fast as I could and ran toward the car.
Give me back my dog! You don t need the dog! Let me keep my dog!
The car took off as fast as it had come. The driver laid a patch of rubber on both the sidewalk and the street as he floored the gas pedal. He ran a red light at the end of the block and took a hard right so fast that for a moment the car ran on two wheels. Then it vanished.
Gizmo, come back! Come back, Gizmo! I yelled, as if the dog could overcome his captors and