Vaporous Collection of Moments

Dominic Macchiaroli

Description

Do you have enormous difficulty with your clothing? My shoes and I are constantly at odds because they regularly kidnap my socks. In my house, all kinds of conspiracies abound.Does your cat think you're stupid? If so, you should be concerned, and this book will tell you why. My cat insults me every day with his 'I know better than you, idiot' looks. So do the rabbits in the backyard. It's hard not being liked by the house pets.Do you find history, holidays, travel, and even fruit funny? I've lost count of the times that I've sat in my car in the middle of a traffic jam, while pondering these subjects and many others, along with odd moments too numerous to count.And what is a moment? Here is my own description: A moment is technically ninety seconds. A minute is less than that. And a 'New York Minute' is the shortest measurable unit of time, with the possible exception of my own patience when someone tells me to "wait a second."But read this book and find out more. Let me relieve you of a small sum of your vast wealth and leave you with a feeling of exhaustion brought on by nothing more than a bit of laughter and just a hint of incredulity.....A Vaporous Collection of Moments is an assemblage of seventy-five essays and mad rants on subjects too ridiculous to ignore.Dominic Macchiaroli is also the author of 'My Parakeet was an Anarchist' and 'Skateboarding on the Appian Way'What others would say about this book, if they were living:"I came, I saw, I read!" - G.J. Caesar"Sic semper tyrrific!!" - J.W. Booth"I am not a pastry!" - L.H. OswaldBook reviews online @ www.publishedbestsellers.com

Sujets

• Short story

Informations

• Publié par: Pneuma Springs Publishing
• Date de parution: 30 mai 2013
• Nombre de lectures: 0
• EAN13: 9781782282884
• Langue: English

Extrait

A Vaporous Collection of Moments



Short Stories and Essays on the Absurdities of Life



Dominic Macchiaroli
Copyright
First Published in 2013 by Pneuma Springs Publishing
A Vaporous Collection of Moments - Short Stories and Essays on the Absurdities of Life Copyright © 2013 Dominic Macchiaroli
Dominic Macchiaroli has asserted his right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act, 1988, to be identified as Author of this Work
British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data. A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.
Mobi eISBN: 9781782282808 ePub eISBN: 9781782282884 PDF eBook eISBN: 9781782282969 Paperback ISBN: 9781782282662
Pneuma Springs Publishing E: [e-mail] W: www.pneumasprings.co.uk
Published in the United Kingdom. All rights reserved under International Copyright Law. Contents and/or cover may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the express written consent of the publisher.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, save those clearly in the public domain, is purely coincidental.
A Foreword
My first encounter with Dominic Macchiaroli came in 2008, when I stepped into a dimly-lit room at the Storiesville Club. There he stood, centre stage, with a spotlight illuminating him as he held a rapt audience in the centre of his hand. I sat down, ordered my drink and, over the next half hour, completely forgot all about it.
Of course, the above is all a work of fiction, and nowhere near the quality of humour which the man himself pumps out with alarming regularity. I am a fan – there, I’ve said it now and you, as his new readers, should have little doubt as to what faces you within these pages.
This, Dom’s third collection and, following on the heels of ‘My Parakeet Was an Anarchist’ and ‘Skateboarding on the Appian Way’, is a perfect foil to those volumes. His humor is dry, pointed, and quite acerbic at times. That, however, is a great foil for a series of wry observations on us, our lives and all of our frailties and failings. He is not apt to suffer fools gladly, and this comes out in sharp relief throughout the entire book.
Raging in controlled fashion against factors as diverse as the weather and Joe Biden, the collection’s ability to hold the attention heralds the work of an author of true talent. I am one of a number of people fortunate enough to be regarded as his friends, and who have been given the privilege of proof reading his work. That said, the book will, in the fullness of time, rest with its predecessors on my bookcase.
I have also had the privilege of adding Dom’s work to a growing number of fellow writers to the Guest Author section of my own website. His two earlier works are also featured in my ‘Showcase’.
Enjoy the volume for what it is – a witty treatise on life in general. Never expect belly laughs in Dom’s writing, but be prepared for innumerable chuckles as you nod your head in agreement with the pokes which invariably end up in the eye of the unwary.

Neal James, Author
A Forewarning
I have found that the world is too serious a place sometimes. This has been especially true in the last few years. Even everyday life can seem trying at times. The essays in this book constitute my attempt to make light of some of that seriousness we all appear to be engulfed in at the moment. I just want to make you laugh, or at least shake your head a little. And that’s it.
The following stories are fully intended to be tongue-in-cheek, as a general rule. I mean no disrespect to any one person or entity. Except for the cat.
Acknowledgements
Thanks for purchasing this collection my friend. I truly hope you reap as much satisfaction from reading it as I did from writing it. And a little bit more than that besides.
Thanks to the fine people at Pneuma Springs Publishing. I appreciate all your hard work.
Thanks once again to my friends and family who have served, willingly and unwillingly, as subjects of curiosity abuse and derision.
Thank you to Kim, who has stuck by me for over a quarter of a century now, poor thing. I love you.
Thank you to Dominic and Mia, who tend to laugh along with their dad at the absurdities of life, or pretend to. May we always do so.
And special thanks must go out to Kim Macchiaroli, Phil Neale, Alysa Salzberg, and Jaime Franchi, each of whom was willing to take the time to proofread this thing, and provide unsparing critiques whether they were called for or not. I suggest you each get real jobs.
And thanks to Brent Robinson for being a good friend. Rest in peace, brother.
The cover photo was taken by Kim Macchiaroli.
The back cover blurb was co-written with Neal James. Neal is my good friend, and the author of Two Little Dicky Birds , A Ticket To Tewkesbury, Short Stories, Vol. 1, Threads of Deceit , and Full Marks . These books are available everywhere and you should buy them now.
Lastly, but always firstly, I thank the Lord Jesus Christ who has borne my sin, and who extends His overflowing grace to me everyday. I am always mindful that it is not in the things I am aware of, but rather the things of which I am not, that His grace truly is exhibited. It is my deepest desire that all who read the following come to knowledge of His saving grace in their lives. Psalm 91.
Dedication



FOR KIM
And twenty-five years
Contents

Part One
The Inherent Joys Of Self-Absorption
A Vaporous Collection Of Moments
The Mact Of The Fatter
A Floral Beating
Missing Chair Eight
What’s In A Name
Sorry But I Am Not Apologizing
My Social Ladder Is Missing Its Rungs
Don’t Trust My Shoes
I Beg Your Pardon
My Forever Favorite Book
Driving In The Key Of F
Why I Dumped 2011 By The Side Of The Road
All Writers Are Nuts, But Really Just You
Paper Bag 1, Man 0
Music Intensely Disliked By Focus Group
Bipolar Fungus Tried To Eat My Disorder
Mind Trick Fails To Get Me Out Of Paying For Lunch
Shut Up And Read This Now
The Color Of Awful
How I Conned The Mailman
For A Real Good Time, Click Here
My Lincoln Answer
Like So Many Times Before


Part Two
Fiction And Other Truths
Fiction, Like Women, Should Never Be Trusted
Sooner Rather Than Later
I’ll Bury Lenin
I Am Just A Pastry
Jefferson Hated Tea
Ich Bin Ein Donut
One Last Bitter Mile
Hairplugs Attempt Coup ‘D’ Etat
Emotional Newton Loses A Testicle
Gorging On A Diet Of Words
The Spurious Crossing Of William G. Gruff
Surrender To The Fuzzy Puppies Of War
The Pursuit Of Lentils
Salsa On A Donkey
No Playtime For You
Lines In The Sand
Local Man Demands More Corruption From Government
Rude To Politeness
Throwing Rocks
Dying To Save Medicare
First Person Pronouns Threaten Public Safety
Earl’s Unkempt Ambition
Dyslexic Frustrated Not Taken Online Threats Seriously
Punched Junk
Kindness And A Curtain Rod
Improper Pool Toy Inflation Disappoints Toddler
Angry Sock Puppet Confides In Ventriloquist's Dummy
Pining For Good Skywriting
Of Love And Logging
An Escape Goat
Quiet Family Man Declares Himself ‘King Of Mucus’
Security Of The Coda
Loch Ness Elephant Sighted


Part Three
The Folly Of The World Around Us
Cupcake Held Without Bond After Birthday Violence
The Smells Of Home
A Verdant Shade Of Empty
Up A River Without A Paddle
Handy Stress-Free Products For Sale
Floaties Don’t Count
Man Traps Diet Book
Shorts In February
No Place To Rest
Almost Noon
Mares Eat Oats
Holiday Recipes For The Whole Family To Revile
Bitter Ham Hock Attacks Turkey In Thanksgiving Day Melee
Bird Drops Things
An Interview With The Cat
Salt Deficient Goats Ate My Summer Vacation
For Want Of Pudding
Beware Of Dog
Fruit Has Feelings Too
Part One

The Inherent Joys of Self-Absorption

Complete Immersion in the Lake of Me
1. A Vaporous Collection Of Moments
It will take you just a few moments to read this piece, and I appreciate it, because you'll never get the moments back. Hopefully, you won't feel like you've wasted them. Where do moments go when they’re all used up? Can they be recycled?
My daughter is leaving for college in a few weeks, and I currently find myself looking back over old videos and photos, not dwelling in melancholy or sadness over her imminent departure, but more in wonder of where the heck the time goes. I am excited for her as her world will expand in any large number of directions. She is about to become a real bona fide adult human being, replete with independence and all that. She will soon learn the true meanings of words like “roommate”, “broke”, and “syllabus”.
Yet I can’t help but sit here, mulling over the detritus of memories, both recent and distant, on my desk. My little girl, my “Blue”, is now all grown up and outta here. We’ve had her for a lot of years, hours, minutes; a whole bunch of moments. And after she goes, she’ll still come back home, yet with a little less of her along each time. Our unit will never be the same, but change is good. She’s going to get an education and find out who she is. And, besides, I’ll still have the dog at home. But what of a moment?
A moment is mathematically described as a set of points.
So, if I spent any given Sunday at the park with my daughter when she was five years old, flying kites, swinging on the swing sets (“Higher Dad!!”) would I say at the end of the day, that was a 'fine set of points'? Or was there more than one? And why can’t I keep them? Sounds a little too clinical for my taste.
So a moment is tangible, real, a concrete thing. If so, then where does a moment go when it’s gone? Flinging out into space somewhere? Astride the torrid winds of the interstellar medium? Can I go there too someday, just to get those moments back?
In the Old Testament