Chemistry of Connection

Susan Kuchinskas

Description

When you make love, cuddle with a partner, or have coffee with close friends, a powerful brain chemical called oxytocin floods your body with feelings of contentment and trust. This natural "love drug," produced by the hypothalamus, is responsible for human bonding in both platonic and intimate relationships, and is the key to many of the psychological differences between men and women. In The Chemistry of Connection, you''ll learn easy ways to increase your natural supply of oxytocin to establish deeper connections with family, friends, and romantic partners.

You''ll discover:

•The power of the cuddle hormone in relationships
•How sex and love are deeply entwined for both women and men
•The chemical differences between lust, romance, and love
•How to raise children who trust and love in a healthy way

Sujets

• Dating

Informations

• Publié par: New Harbinger Publications
• Date de parution: 01 janvier 0001
• Nombre de lectures: 0
• EAN13: 9781572249394
• Langue: English
• Poids de l'ouvrage: 2 Mo

Extrait

“This book is full of fascinating information about the biology of attachment. It uses the newest data from psychology, neuroscience, and molecular biology to explain how we love, why we sometimes can’t, and how to develop this deep human capacity by understanding oxytocin. I learned a lot about myself and the people I love.”

—Helen Fisher, professor at Rutgers University and author of Why We LoveandWhy Him? Why Her?

“The Chemistry of Connectionis a beautiful book about how to nurture lasting love between ourselves, our mates, and our children. Kuchinskas gives readers essential information about connection and bonding. She helps readers understand the brain chemistry behind who we are.” —Michael Gurian, author ofThe Wonder of Girls and What Could He Be Thinking?

“The Chemistry of Connectionis a marvelous book. It brings the science of oxytocin into the service of love in an engaging and practical way. Anyone who wants to understand and improve his or her relationships should read it.”

—Paul J. Zak, Ph.D., professor and director of the Center for Neuroeconomic Studies at Claremont Graduate University, discoverer of the relationship between oxytocin and trust

“We know intuitively that hugging and cuddling are not just good for you, but essential ingredients to well-being. This book explains why. Read it to learn how to get more nurturing connection in your life.”

—Reid Mihalko and Marcia Baczynski, creators of Cuddle Party

“InThe Chemistry of Connection, Susan Kuchinskas helps her readers understand important aspects of how oxytocin enhances relation- ships, and more importantly, how to navigate some of the obstacles we encounter on the often rocky road to love.”

—Barton Goldsmith, Ph.D., author ofEmotional Fitness for CouplesandEmotional Fitness for Intimacy

the chemistry of connection

How the Oxytocin Response Can Help You Find Trust, Intimacy, and Love

SUSAN KUCHINSKAS

New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

Publisher’s Note

This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering psychological, financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought.

Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books

Copyright © 2009 by Susan Kuchinskas New Harbinger Publications, Inc. 5674 Shattuck Avenue Oakland, CA 94609 www.newharbinger.com

Cover design by Amy Shoup; Text design by Amy Shoup and Michele Waters-Kermes; Acquired by Melissa Kirk; Edited by Nelda Street

All Rights Reserved. PDF ISBN: 9781572249394

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Kuchinskas, Susan. The chemistry of connection : how the oxytocin response can help you find trust, intimacy, and love / Susan Kuchinskas.  p. cm. Includes bibliographical references. ISBN-13: 978-1-57224-623-2 (pbk. : alk. paper) ISBN-10: 1-57224-623-5 (pbk. : alk. paper) 1. Oxytocin--Popular works. I. Title. QP572.O9K83 2009 615’.782--dc22 2008052315

contents

acknowledgments

introduction

CHAPTER 1 making the connection The Connection Chemical 6 A Question of Balance 8 Why Newborns Can’t Love 12

CHAPTER 2 how babies learn to love How Mothering Shapes the Oxytocin System 22 Mothering and Oxytocin Styles 30 How Mothers Learn to Mother 34 The Circle Widens 40

CHAPTER 3 always the lonely When Love Goes Wrong 50 The Cycle of Failed Attachment 55 Learning to Connect 58

CHAPTER 4 romance: the first step to commitment Getting Together 74 Romance: The Next Level 77 How Sex Forges the Bond 82 Good-Bye to Romance? 87 Why Can’t I Fall in Love? 88

V

1

5

21

49

73

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CHAPTER 5 the chemistry of commitment The Monogamous Brain 91 Men and WomenAreDifferent 99

CHAPTER 6 raising kids who trust and love Recreating the Way We’re Parented 109 Mothering and Fathering, for Boys and Girls 114 Families Take Charge 123 The Oxytocin Advantage 124 Loving Generations 126

CHAPTER 7 feathering the nest It’s Never Too Late 129 Things to Do by Yourself 130 Things to Do in Groups 138 Things to Do One on One 144 The Future: Oxytocin as a Drug 148

conclusion

references

91

109

129

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acknowledgments

s ue Carter was extremely generous with her time and information, sharing her papers, patiently explaining her work, and offering rigorous comments on the oxytocin craze. Karen Bales was my first guide to the fascinating neurochemistry of bonding. Paul Zak kindly shared his groundbreaking work with humans, as well as his encouragement and friendship. Peter Gray’s early enthusiasm and comments provided an impetus to keep going, while his fascinating research on fathers greatly added to this book. My editors, Melissa Kirk and Jess Beebe, believed in this book, and offered deep and thoughtful comments throughout the writing process. My agent, Jeff Kleinman, was invaluable in helping me shape the work. The dogs I’ve shared my life with, Benson, Amaryllis, Toby, and Udupi, taught me to nurture. Hypnotherapist Marilyn Gordon helped me to fire my work with a pink glow. Linda Jean Cranmer ushered me into the amazing world of birth and opened me to a rebirth of my own self. Joe Picard and Chico State University allowed me to enjoy two days with Allan Schore, the guru of attachment, during the Children in Trauma conference. My soul sisters, Linda Donahoo, Jessie West, and Janis Mara, provided a secure base from which I could explore and challenge myself. In addition, Jessie’s tender and tough editing was a

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big help in getting my story straight. My parents, William and Gloria Kuchinskas, have always done everything they could for me, and still do. My sister, Margi Lee, is a mirror, a foil, and a pal. My niece Kate has brought much healing to my family, and let me experience baby love for the first time. And last but not least, Mike Freeman is the love of my life. Thank you, sweetie, for everything.

introduction

t he Inuit don’t really have twenty-eight words for snow (despite popular belief), but we humans could use twenty-eight different words for love—in any language. We employ this single inadequate term, “love,” to describe a multitude of states, from the way a stranger’s touch sends fire across our skin to the crazed period when we can’t stand to be away from our lover to the delight we feel in our grandchildren. This book talks about one kind of love: the deep, enduring bond of committed love, the kind of bond forged by oxytocin. Oxytocin floods our bodies with feelings of connection, trust, and contentment. This neurochemical is released during orgasm, creating that lovely afterglow. It travels through the bloodstream as it rouses the pleasure center of the brain when we’re stroked, when we’re physically close with loved ones, and even when we share time with close friends. Oxytocin is the secret to forming committed relationships, turning lust into long- lasting love. The oxytocin bond is the basis for lifelong relationships of all kinds: between parent and child, two siblings, or even two close friends. Oxytocin lets you live happily with a life partner. It keeps you up all night with a colicky baby. It makes you glad to donate a kidney to your sister.