Ladies, Please!

Jose Covaco

Description

Try as you may, you won't get the answer because we're guys and we come from Mars where it's an alien-eat-alien world. Most of the time we're confused as heck and need a girl to set us straight but all the other times we pretty much know what we want. The same way how we can't figure you lot out and why you need so many pairs of shoes, we too can be hard nuts (all puns intended) to crack. Girls rule. That's a fact no guy can deny. That said, there are a few things about you that drive us crazy and make us go running across continents and enroll into witness protection programmes to get as far away from you as possible. Here's a book that'll help you if not figure us out, save you from a few nasty dates and know when to run screaming, because at the end of the day boys will be boys.

Sujets

• Dating
• Humour

Informations

• Publié par: Random House Publishers India Pvt. Ltd.
• Date de parution: 11 juillet 2014
• Nombre de lectures: 0
• EAN13: 9788184006322
• Langue: English

Extrait

Jos Covaco

LADIES, PLEASE!
Dating Truths by a Man
RANDOM HOUSE INDIA
Contents
Dedication

My Dating Credentials
One: What is Dating in India?
Two: Why We will Never Get Each Other
Three: Pre-dating Information
Four: Dating Behaviour
Five: Things Men Hate the Most about Women
Six: Bad Relationship Behaviour
Seven: Other Stuff that doesn t Fit Anywhere Else
Eight: The Caveman Ethic
Nine: Things We don t Understand about Women
Ten: Going Out
Eleven: Frequently Thought Questions from Women
Twelve: Space: The Final Frontier
Thirteen: The World through Our Eyes: The Way Men See Things
Fourteen: Why Everyone should Be in Failed Relationships
Fifteen: Love and Infatuation
Sixteen: Women just Want to Make Us Better
Seventeen: How to Be a Real Man
Eighteen: My Most Important Discoveries
Nineteen: What is Love?
Epilogue
A Note on the Author
Acknowledgements
Follow Random House
Copyright
What you are about to read is no ordinary book on dating. It is a guidebook for both men and women. Within these pages, I will unravel the truth about what s going on in men s minds. What I am about to share with you, most men would never tell you. Alas, I am now a married man, so I have nothing to lose.
Even though my vocabulary is limited, I m writing this book to help women understand men a little better. Hopefully it will help men understand themselves as well. You will notice I haven t mentioned anything about understanding women because I do not believe this to be something that is possible.
This book is dedicated to all my ex-girlfriends. All women should read it, and so should all men.
I m surprised he even knows how to write. In that sense, I m sure you ll find the book is funny.
-Jos s mother
Look, I don t know any Jos , and I don t care about his book. Please don t call this number again.
-Amitabh Bachan
I have read the book and I couldn t really understand much of it. That made me laugh. It s a great book.
-Saif Ali Khann
My Dating Credentials
SHE JUST WALKED UP to me one day and said, I m not giving you another chance, I m breaking up with you. I was devastated and confused, mostly because I had no idea we were seeing each other in the first place. I was young, stupid, and still in school. I didn t realize this then, but we had spent a considerable amount of time with each other (our school holidays were on) so she thought we were in a relationship. I had no clue about what was going on the whole time, and she was losing her mind wondering why I was behaving like nothing was happening. A month later, she thought I was an asshole and decided to break up with me. From her perspective, she was completely right. I was ostracized by the kids of that area and not allowed to play there again.
I thought back to the first girl I had ever fallen for. We were kids, literally children, playing hide-and-seek in her gigantic ancestral home. They were our neighbours, and it was just her and me hiding under the bed one day when I suddenly blurted out, I like someone. She looked at me, smiled, and replied, I know, I like someone too. Really?! I shot back, my heart beginning to beat faster and faster. It almost felt like dubstep on the inside of my chest. Yes, she said. Punit is so sweet, will you tell him for me? This is how it all began for me. With failure. But since I was just a kid, it didn t really affect me and I forgot about it pretty quickly. I don t even know why I said that to her. I was only in Class 5. I suspect I did it because of all the unsupervised television I had been watching throughout my childhood.
Christmastime makes everything beautiful. The decorations, the lights-everything about the festive vibe is just perfect for falling in love. I was at a house party and, as you know, these things usually have terrible lighting. One dance later it was like we had known each other for years. By the end of the night we were seeing each other and were already in a relationship. We hung out at her place every day and she practised kissing me for a week before leaving me for my cooler, much better-looking friend. She said that what we had wasn t really serious and I shouldn t take it personally. I ll never forget those words.
Shouldn t take it personally ?
How could I not? It was just the two of us, and I was the only one being dumped. Dejected, I realized that I wasn t one of the cool kids. I thought I was, but I just happened to be friends with some of them. I was one of those loser kids. This really upset me. I made it my life s mission to try and be cooler by being better and smarter, because plastic surgery was just not an option. Of course, being young and stupid, this soon led me to wear acid wash jeans and cut-up t-shirts while riding my sister s bicycle around the neighbourhood. We weren t allowed to have a second bicycle at home so I was allowed to use her bicycle. It had the bent rod that girl s bicycles have and a basket at the front and everything.
I was cool again.
The next year I fell in love with a girl who lived a couple of buildings away. We knew each other and she knew who I was since I had managed to infiltrate the group of kids that played in that area. I cycled around the area every day in the hope of meeting her. We hung out eventually and I professed my love for her. To my surprise, she accepted my proposal. I could not believe this was happening to me. I slept with a smile on my face that night. (Okay, I didn t sleep at all. I just smiled all night.) I really liked this girl, she was so cool and so smart and so intelligent and, most of all, she wasn t like the other girls. She broke up with me the very next day, saying that she was really sorry and this is all a misunderstanding . Weeping, I told her I d wait for her. While I was waiting, she started seeing my cooler, better-looking friend exactly two days later. Yes, the same guy who my second girlfriend left me for. It was clear that I needed to stop falling for girls that were in his general area and, more importantly, I needed to stop being friends with him.
It was the beginning of my college life. When I say college life, I mean a life of standing outside while college happens way over there, on the inside. College was mostly getting out of the house to bunk class, eat sandwiches, and hang out. I noticed that an incredibly pretty girl with light eyes sat in the third row of the chemistry class that I should have been attending, and so, I started attending it. She was really shy and didn t talk much with anyone. Not even me. As fate would have it, Rose Day was upon us and I seized the opportunity to make contact with her. In our family, we weren t given pocket money as kids so we had to steal it from our parents. I bought a card and a small but pretty bouquet of flowers. Then I wrote her name and mine inside little hearts drawn all over the card. I also did this to every petal on the roses in the bouquet after which I proceeded to wait near the canteen for her to come to college. I saw her walk through the college gate and everything from that point onwards happened in slow motion. As she walked by, I walked up to her and said, Hi, this is for you. I beamed and tried to look as innocent as possible. She just stared up at me with those beautiful big light grey eyes. The clouds parted and a ray of sunlight lit up the area around her. I held my smile, wavering just for a moment, unsure. She looked a little confused at this point. I handed her the card and the bouquet. She held on to them, smiled nervously at me, turned around ... and left! I never saw her again. She never came back to college, and to this day, no one has any idea why. I hope you re having a good life wherever you are, Prachi. No big deal. It s not like I think about you every day, typing your name into search engines, hoping that maybe you ll send me a message someday. It s not like I had to steal money from my parents to buy you a 500-rupee bouquet with a card. It s not like my mom trashed me mercilessly for stealing or anything. I m alright.
My next relationship happened by mistake, really. It was to be my first real, serious, long-term relationship. A friend put us together thus: Hey, he likes you. Hey, she likes you. From then on we were boyfriend and girlfriend. We held hands for a whole year. We were together for five years. We were that area s strongest couple-we were together everywhere. At all the socials and all the house parties, everyone knew that we were the best couple there and all other couples were inferior to us. All the other couples looked up to us. It is possible that I might have imagined these things but time took its toll on us, like it always does for everyone, and eventually we broke up for a million reasons.
A while later I met the most beautiful girl I had ever met in my entire life. Just looking at her face turned my brain to mush. We got to know each other and this time I just knew that she was into me. She was really into me! I felt this way because we d spend every evening on her terrace, talking. We talked about everything-her life, my life, even life on other planets. There was nothing we didn t talk about. After a whole month of talking, I impatiently decided to tell her how I felt about her. It turned out that she really did just like talking to me, didn t see me like that , and truly just wanted to be friends. I could not believe how wrong I was about her feelings towards me. She didn t say it, but I could tell she thought I was gay. For a moment I thought: What ifshe s right?! I cycled home furiously on my sister s bicycle, sobbing uncontrollably. When I reached home I locked myself in the bathroom and tried to imagine Bollywood stars like Jackie Shroff and Govinda naked. It did nothing for me. I was relieved but only because it was one less thing to have to explain to my parents. Once again I was picking up the pieces of my confused, broken heart off a bathroom floor.
At so