Oxford Examined

O. Smith Richard

Description

Repeatedly jamming his fork of curiosity into the live toaster of opportunity, comedian Richard O. Smith captures the experience of living in Oxford in probably the funniest book written about the Dreaming Spires. Collected here are 70 of his best Oxford Examined columns from the award-winning Oxford Times magazine Oxfordshire Limited Edition including several previously unpublished stories. In these unflinchingly truthful columns he meets celebrities (Kate Middleton, Dara O'Briain, the one who plays Phoebe in Friends and a predictably grumpy Alan Sugar), visits the 11th dimension with an Oxford University maths protegee, gatecrashes Encaenia, flirts with a Roman slave girl from 79AD, is ejected from the Oxford Union by burly security, witnesses a comeuppance for a pack of arrogant students, conducts a walking tour for Britain's scariest hen party, moves a library (which transpires to be harder work than moving a mountain), sees Britain's most pretentious theatre production, participates in the UK's national bell ringing championships (yes, that is a thing), allows Oxford University psychologists to experiment on him, rescues four escaped horses in a busy Oxford street (thankfully it wasn't the apocalypse), becomes a crime-fighting superhero, is hospitalised in a serious bike accident, gets chased by a furious revenge-fixated woman dressed as a Friesian cow, strides out of his house one morning and disappears down a giant sink hole, mentors two stand-up comedy virgins, commits a devastating social faux pas and pledges to never use a split infinitive or sentence this long again.'Right from the introductory preamble, this is pure comedy genius. I dare anybody to read it and not start sniggering out loud. Warning: this may attract odd looks if you are on a bus or anywhere else in public.' --Oxford Times'Bring together an outstanding comic writer and a city of unlikely people and you'll find the perfect love-match. The wittiest, zaniest, and most truthful guide to a city you'll read: armchair travel has never been so good. Or so funny.' --Susie Dent'The funniest book ever about Oxford. Pure comedy genius. I read Oxford Examined and laughed so much.' --Gill Oliver, Oxford Mail

Sujets

• Local history
• Oxfordshire
• Humour

Informations

• Publié par: Andrews UK
• Date de parution: 04 janvier 2017
• Nombre de lectures: 0
• EAN13: 9781909930476
• Langue: English

Extrait

Oxford Examined
Richard O. Smith




2017 digital version converted and published by
Andrews UK Limited
www.andrewsuk.com
First published in 2015 by
Signal Books Limited
36 Minster Road
Oxford OX4 1LY
www.signalbooks.co.uk
© Richard O. Smith, 2015, 2017
The right of Richard O. Smith to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Design and Patents Act, 1988.
All rights reserved. The whole of this work, including all text and illustrations, is protected by copyright. No parts of this work may be loaded, stored, manipulated, reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying and recording, or by any information, storage and retrieval system without prior written permission from the publisher, on behalf of the copyright owner.
Cover Design: Tora Kelly
Cover Image: Korky Paul



Introduction
Hi. I’m Richard. I’m OK, thanks. You? Good.
They say potential book buyers make their decision after reading the first two paragraphs of the Introduction - and I’ve already used one paragraph to say “hi”. So I’d better not take connecting slow trains to get to the point. As I have several great stories to tell. They’re all about Oxford and here’s the important thing ... oh, that’s the second paragraph ended. Goodbye then.
That’s better - it’s just you and me now - the clever readers who’ll enjoy this book, appreciate its wit; even spot the semi colon (mis)usage. Unlike those fickle flickers lacking the required attention span to read a tweet to the end who departed after the second paragraph, you recognise this is a crafted book. And here’s what it’s about and why I wrote it (I know you’ll like it - you’ve got good taste)...
Oxford Examined is a humorous book about every aspect of Oxford life. Why do we need another book about Oxford? Because although there is a bookshelf-buckling amount of titles written on Oxford there are not many funny ones. And since I’m a professional comedy writer + I love Oxford = this book.
I moved to Oxford 25 years ago. Although I was architecturally star-struck by the buildings, it was not love at first sight. My affection and affinity for Oxford grew slowly, resulting in a deeper relationship than one based purely on looks alone - though Oxford still looks beautiful (not bad given that it’s over a thousand years old). Oxford is supposedly divided into Town and Gown. In fact, Oxford is supported by a tripod of Gown (the University), Town (the city) and Tourism. (About 9.5 million tourists visit Oxford each year spending £770 million.)
Though I always defined myself as belonging to the Town tribe, I found it surprisingly possible to glide into the Gown side and also experience the Tourist perspective (sometimes I still feel like a tourist in my own city). Turns out the demarcation lines are not etched as deeply as some lazy prejudices would have us believe.
I learnt this when an Oxford Times editor gave me a brief to experience every quirky side of Oxford I could discover and write about my experiences in the Oxford Examined column for the multi-award winning Oxford Times magazine supplement Oxfordshire Limited Edition . This brief issued me with a border pass enabling me to cross between the frontiers of Town, Gown and Tourism. However...
Appointing me to write this column was a callous act. Why? Because I don’t like embracing change - it’s usually smelly and has bad breath. And change is rarely marked “good change” or “bad change” to help you choose in advance. But the workplace world advocates, promotes and cheerleads for change. Managers, supervisors and editors insist on everyone gleefully adopting change, dealing with change, groping change hungrily in the stationery cupboard of corporate advancement.
That’s why they thought it would be funny to appoint a change-avoider to undergo numerous Oxford-related adventures - issuing me with a different monthly assignment that required a radical change to my environment. Plus a permanent eviction from my comfort zone.
Hence each month I would be given tasks such as conducting a walking tour for Greek tourists, meeting Kate Middleton, gate-crashing Encaenia, allowing Oxford University psychologists to experiment on me with a radical new treatment and visiting the 11 th dimension with an Oxford mathematics genius.
The consequences of all this unwelcomely encountered change form this compilation of my best Oxford Examined columns herein. These despatches from the frontline of change, ducking the bullets of progress, result in a victorious great leap forward for understanding how malleable those dividing lines actually are between Oxford’s Town, Gown and Tourism trinity. This is a book about Oxford experiences, interacting with its people more than its buildings or history. Which in itself represents a change from most books about Oxford.
Needless to say, I still don’t like change.



Literary
The Bookshop Appearance
A publisher has ordered me to speak at a bookshop event. I am no longer with this publisher hence our relationship is somewhat fractious. It transpires that they are not happy with me for leaving them - especially for a new, younger, more attractive publisher half their age. However, there are the three children to think of - which in a publishing context means the three books I authored for them, including a moderate bestseller. Although we don’t have to stay together for the sake of the books, some contact is necessary. This is why I am spending a Saturday afternoon at a well-known bookshop in Oxfordshire.
Only when I arrive at the store do I discover that I am not there to speak. Instead I have to do an author signing. I have done these before and it mainly involves sitting self-consciously behind a desk for four hours whilst shoppers formulate increasingly creative ways of avoiding eye contact.
The manager greets me, pointing out competitively that last weekend’s in-store author “sold many signed books”. He then gestures towards the door where a tiny table has been positioned. I shoehorn myself between the available four inches of space separating table from chair pinned against a bookshelf. The automatic shop door opens every few seconds dispensing an icy blast of rain-sodden wind. Dependent on whether the doors are shut, the shop climate oscillates between cactus-wilting heat and Arctic storm.
After twenty minutes sitting at my table, alternating between fanning myself and shivering, I encounter my first customer interaction. A man approaches me. I lift up my signing pen expectantly. “Excuse me, mate,” he begins, “are you an author?” I am sitting underneath an enormous sign proclaiming “Author here today” next to a pyramid formation of my books. “Yes,” I reply confidently. “Good,” he says, “can you direct me to where the Horror section is?”
Everyone else ignores me for the next hour, so I decide to interact with the passing footfall. “Hello there, Sir. Do you like reading?” I enquire; I receive a look in return that communicates, “I’ve already killed today. Don’t make me kill again.”
A teenage girl approaches me. “You’re like the actual author of this, yeah?” she asks, evidently weary of deceitful author imposters at book signings. “Yes,” I respond. “Cool,” she says. “Can you sign it to Darren?” “Of course,” I reply flattered, inadequately disguising the shock that someone is actually buying one of my books. “Darren’s an unusual name for a girl,” I say. “That’s my brother’s name,” she replies, leaving the phrase, “Obviously I’m not called Darren you moron,” left unsaid but not unimplied.
She then presents me with a £10 note. “You need to pay at the till.” “But there’s a queue,” she reasons then departs, causing the shop doors to open, and my working conditions are temporarily akin to those of a North Sea trawlerman. I approach the counter and hand them the £10 note. “Please can you take for this book? A girl left me the money.” “You should have asked her to pay at the till,” the cashier informs me sternly.
Two middle-aged women enter. Instead of bounding past my table like everyone else over the previous three hours, they immediately brake hard in front of me. The taller one has puffy red eyes and has evidently been crying. “We’ve come to buy your book.” I want to hug them and pant, “Thank you, thank you,” but instead struggle to remain cool. “We’ve been to see Testament of Youth . I enjoyed the film so much,” she says between sobs. Given she’s been crying like a grieving widow at an onion factory, I wonder out loud if “enjoyed” is the most felicitous word selection.
A man enters laden with photographic equipment. “Can I take your photo?” he enquires. Wow, I’m going to be papped. I feel temporarily giddy with fame. A professional snapper has come specially to photograph me! “Someone from Emmerdale is opening a new pound shop in the precinct. Then I spotted you. What’s your name?” he asks, getting out a notebook. There are still 39 books piled on the table - each one displaying my name.
After three hours I receive a call from my wife. “How’s it going?” she asks. “I’m at the book signing.” “Well, I’d better let you go as you must be very busy.” “Yes, very busy,” I confirm. Which is true - I’ve still got half a newspaper to read and I haven’t even started the Easy Crossword yet.
Then it dawns on me that my position near the entrance doors is deliberately advantageous for the shop. Two teenage boys pick up confectionery items and head not towards the till but the door. Until they see me staring at them, whereupon they swivel and replace the chocolate bars. I may not have the physique or wardrobe of a crime fighting superhero, but I temporarily feel like one.
As my fourth and final hour be