Pluto's in Uranus!

Patrick Haylock

Description

Dave suffers from OCF - Obsessive Compulsive Fatalism.Every day he is compelled to follow his online horoscope, and to actively seek out and participate in their prophesies.One fated day, the signs are so compelling they embolden him to take a high stakes horse racing gamble.The consequence of his wager will lead Dave into situations way beyond his control and comfort zone, and his path will be crossed by an intriguing hotchpotch of larger-than-life characters.This eccentric bunch of strangers include a Benny Hill loving vicar, a transvestite, a hippy, a diamond thief, a sausage roll addicted Bank manager, an underworld female mechanic, an 'ungry man, some piranha fish, a chimpanzee and many others.Pluto's in Uranus! is the story of a 'tryer' whose lucky omens will come back to taunt him.KUSHTI BOK!

Sujets

• Humour

Informations

• Publié par: Austin Macauley Publishers
• Date de parution: 30 novembre 2020
• Nombre de lectures: 0
• EAN13: 9781528974189
• Langue: English
• Poids de l'ouvrage: 1 Mo

Extrait

Who?
Patrick Haylock is a globally unrecognised writer who, if you discount a school sweet pea growing competition, has won no awards whatsoever!
He was born in Enfield at a very dark time in the world. It was 1:45 am, to be precise, and it wasn’t too long before it dawned on him.
To make something of himself he was going to need two things
– the ability to tell the difference between a green onion and a scal- lion, and a good education.
Wormley Primary and Baas Hill Comprehensive schools did their best to fulfil both requirements, and after giving them 12 years of his life, they gave him seven printed sheets of paper, and the knowledge that there was no difference between a green onion and a scallion.
He also learned that the difference between onions and bagpipes was that no one ever cries when you chop up bagpipes.
The certificated wisdom secured a national newspaper messen- ger’s job, which led to an editorial trainee position, followed by a production editor’s post, and progression into freelance journalism. ‘Knowing his onions’ helped him to successfully establish his own publishing company, design studio, online retro webstore and
high street art gallery.
Patrick lives with his wife in a converted Old Essex Brewery, where he claims a 6% ABV air quality inspired him to craft this nutty t ale .
Although a ‘new voice’, in the literary world, those ‘in the know’ will willingly testify that his gift for imaginative storytelling is engaging, and, amusingly unique!
Follow Patrick’s alter ego on twitter [e-mail]
For...
My wife, Biffo. Thank you for inspiring me to complete this book with love, laughter, and your size six motivation. I am truly fortunate to have such a beautiful woman in my life.
I also dedicate this book to Annie, who lit the blue touch paper, my parents, brother, and all my wonderful family, particularly three special girls, Midge, Rolo, and Bing. You’re all more precious to me than you’ll ever know. Also, for Dave, for being…… Dave!
Patrick Haylock
PLUT O ’ S IN URANU S !
Copyright Information ©
Patrick Haylock (2020)
The right of Patrick Haylock to be identified as author of this work has been asserted in accordance with section 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publishers.
Any person who commits any unauthorised act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales, and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any
resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.
A CIP catalogue record for this title is available from the British Library.
ISBN 9781528974165 (Paperback)
ISBN 9781528974189 (ePub e-book)
www.austinmacauley.com
First Published (2020)
Austin Macauley Publishers Ltd
25 Canada Square
Canary Wharf
London
E14 5LQ
Prefix
HAVING BEEN BORN on December 25th made Dave a Capricorn, and as a Christmas day baby he felt rare, special, and part of a very exclusive club.
But as he only ever received cards and presents on one day of the year, it also made him feel hard done by.
Another irritation of being born on this day, according to Dave, was its culpability for his obsessive-compulsive interest in cosmology and astrology.
His mother recalls that even as a young child his favourite bedtime book was Old Moore’s Almanack .
After reading thousands of prophecies over the years, the fact that none had ever resulted in any positive outcomes did little to tarnish their validity or dissuade him from still being a believer!
However, things are about to happen that will test this resolve!
Uranus, the planet of change, and Pluto, the planet of rev- olution, are in historical alignment, signifying an imminent period of major toil and trouble.
When Pluto is in Uranus , Capricorns are in for a bumpy ride, as Dave is about to discover.
His fated decision-making will result in extraordinary, hilarious, and ominous consequences.
Chapter 1
BC (Before Calamity)
APART FROM WISHING to own a BMW, have a great adventure and to feature in a book ending with the word pancake, you could say that Dave’s goals in life were mediocre but achievable.
Up to now his life had been stagnating, as were his attempts to fulfil his aspirations.
Every day always began the same: an alarm call, a nature call, a shower, and a shave.
He would skip breakfast, dash to the newsagent’s, run after the bus, sprint for the train, then crawl to his boss for late arrival – yet again!
His habitual lateness was due to OCF – Obsessive-Compul- sive Fatalism – which he attributed to being born on Decem- ber 25th.
This syndrome made it imperative for him to read his online horoscope prior to leaving home every day.
After many years of failed predictions, today’s were going to prove the spectacular exception, because Pluto was in Uranus!!
Even his computer seemed to be in a more optimistic mode, as, far quicker than usual, it launched Dave’s horoscop- ic homepage.
The colours seemed more vibrant, and the information was clear, precise, and positive… and today, without doubt, it was addressing him personally.

Capricorn

’Pluto has moved into Uranus, indicating revolution, a time of rebirth, new thinking, and the sweeping out of old ways.
The risk-averse should abandon their fears and take a leap of faith, as an uncharacteristic decision will turn out well!
Those with names that contain an E D A or V should be extra vigilant, as many surprising, and unexpected, opportunities are about to come your way.
Acting upon these fortuitous omens will secure outcomes and rewards beyond your wildest dreams.
New friendships are on the horizon, and a black cat crossing your path will signify an imminent boost to your finances.
The time to be bold is Now, let impulse take the lead, because, today, EVERYTHING is coming up roses!’
He left his home very much enthused.
Striding at a brisk pace, it was not long before he came to the alleyway that he used as a shortcut to the newsagent’s.
On turning the corner, he was startled by a whooshing sound and the sight of a mysterious fiery object speeding towards him.
Instinctively he contorted his body and raised an arm to protect his face. His involuntary reaction deflected the threat- ening object and prevented it from causing serious injury.
The object thudded into the wall and tumbled down onto the pathway.
With a hiss and a finale of sparks, it spun, spat, and then ceased to be, its fiery ferociousness expired.
His quick reactions had not only avoided harm but had also
provided him with the opportunity to identify the aggressive assailant.
Along the side of the charred yellow tube, distinctive branding revealed that it was a BLACK CAT rocket.
The auspicious event was obviously fated, and it reinforced the fact that, as predicted, a black cat had indeed just crossed his path.
Kicking the pyrotechnic to one side, he continued onto and into the newsagents.
Buoyed by the fated incident, he decided that along with his usual redtop newspaper he would buy six scratch cards and six lottery tickets.
After stuffing his change and tickets into his Thunderbirds wallet, he rolled his tabloid into a paper baton and scooted off towards the station.
On entering the platform, years of commuting served him well. He knew exactly where to position himself so that he would be in line with the doors and at the front of the queue for boarding.
This advantageous knowledge had always enabled him to corkscrew his way into an unoccupied seat.
As usual, the carriages were crowded like beehives, and after yet another uncomfortable journey, the final stop was looming.
Prior to arrival, Dave always stood up from his seat and put his jacket on. He would brush his hands along his sleeves and trouser legs to remove the creases.
After a final check of his belongings and his pockets, he would stand, waiting to leave the carriage.
Fellow travellers started doing likewise, and their jostling and manoeuvring for exit positions audibly disrupted the pre- viously hushed journey.
Like most mornings, the train juddered to an inexplicable halt outside of the station and caused the hubbub to simmer down.
Weary passengers anxiously scrutinized each other, expressing visible annoyance at the regular delay.
Then, just as suddenly as it had stopped, the train juddered again and began to move into the station.
Once it had glided the full length of the platform and come to a halt, the chaos resumed, and the hiss of the pneumatic doors signalled the start of a manic foot race to the exiting ticket gates.
Dave could never see the merits of participating in this melee, so he generally held back until things calmed down.
Also, having been brought up not to litter, discarding his newspaper onto the floor was another practice that he avoid- ed doing.
He would always fold his paper and place it neatly onto a seat.
But even leaving his litter in such a well-ordered man- ner still made him feel uncomfortable and he would have to glance around the carriage to see if there was anyone critically judging his actions.
Today, whilst peering around, apart from familiar faces, he noticed a twinkle of light glinting from the fold of the seat opposite, and as the aisle cleared, he shuffled closer to take a better look.
He could see the edge of the reflecting object, and he leaned forward and with the use of his index finger and thumb he attempted to retrieve the mystery item.
Unfortunately, he only succeeded in pushing it deeper into the fold.
Not to be beaten, he pulled at the fold and then with