Random Acts of Poetry and Other Attempts at Humor

Michael J. Murphy

Description

Mike Murphy thinks like Ogden Nash, except that Ogden is no longer living, so he is thinking about other things these days. If you have never heard of Ogden Nash, this book will send you in his direction.
Do you need some lumpy, red, all-purpose glue to hold your life together? Do you need a new perspective on filing your income tax return this year? Have you ever wondered if there are aliens from space living at the South Pole? Do you wish people were kinder to each other? Did you know that Betsy Ross had three husbands and five daughters? Do you know what a carbuncle is? If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, please, take a few moments to enter a strange world. Let your mind wander through the nooks and crannies of the ridiculous and the sublime. This might be just the escape from your screens that you’ve been waiting for.
Consider dropping a copy of this book at your doctor’s or dentist’s waiting room. The folks there need a smile or a good laugh right about now. Do you know someone who has everything already? They don’t have this. Do you have a friend who needs a laugh? This book can only make your friendship stronger.

Sujets

• Humorous
• Humor
• Witty (computer worm)
• Cheering
• Religion

Informations

• Publié par: WestBow Press
• Date de parution: 01 février 2023
• Nombre de lectures: 0
• EAN13: 9781664289055
• Langue: English

Extrait

RANDOM ACTS of POETRY and OTHER ATTEMPTS at HUMOR
 
 
 
MICHAEL J. MURPHY
 
 
 

 
Copyright © 2023 Michael J. Murphy.
 
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.
 
This book is a work of non-fiction. Unless otherwise noted, the author and the publisher make no explicit guarantees as to the accuracy of the information contained in this book and in some cases, names of people and places have been altered to protect their privacy.
 
WestBow Press
A Division of Thomas Nelson & Zondervan
1663 Liberty Drive
Bloomington, IN 47403
www.westbowpress.com
844-714-3454
 
Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.
 
Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.
Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.
 
ISBN: 978-1-6642-8906-2 (sc)
ISBN: 978-1-6642-8905-5 (e)
 
WestBow Press rev. date: 01/31/2023
To Valinda, my sweetheart for the past 46 years. Thanks for listening to my poems and loving me anyway.
Preface
Early in my life, I became interested in the way words and sayings could be twisted to make people laugh or think twice. When I was five, six and seven, one neighbor of ours in Emerson, New Jersey named Betsy Scanlan wrote a regular column in the local newspaper. On several occasions Betsy included something funny I had said and gave credit by saying, “And now, here is another M&M for you.”
In the first grade, I was punished for making a wise crack while a speaker was addressing the class. The entire class laughed at what I said, but the speaker called me forward for “correction.”
At the age of eight, I invented a clever twist on a TV advertisement for aspirin. My father sent it in to the manufacturer to be considered for their next commercial. They politely declined my suggestion, but sent me a very nice box with a sample collection of their latest products. All my friends wanted to get a similar boxed set.
Then in high school, I turned to the art of pun making. I refrained from entering into most conversations. While I listened carefully, I parsed every word being said, looking for a pun or funny twist that I could insert if anyone stopped for breath. Most of the entries in my high school year book had to do with me being a nice guy or how the person signing enjoyed my puns. One teacher wrote, “Your puns will ring in ears for many years.”
As an adult, I turned to full length jokes. Sometimes I had to develop a lengthy introduction before I could spring the punchline. When my children were teenagers, they suspected everything I told them and often stopped me by saying, “Wait, Dad, is this a joke?”
In the Army, it was an accepted practice to start any presentation with a joke or funny quip. My colleagues often chose bawdy or coarse jokes to introduce their talks… not me. I preferred twisting the latest headlines or supposing what some famous person might say in a funny setting.
Over the years, my ability to twist the language for fun was helped by other writers. Ogden Nash has always been a marvel to me. Let’s just say he gave me his jelly fish. Reading Dr. Seuss to my children each night also gave me liberty to weave and bob around the rules of proper English.
On more than one occasion, a child or grandchild has asked me, “How does one write a poem?” I tell them that a poem, like a song, has to start with a feeling. Once you have that feeling, you try, by various means, to get the feeling to show up in the reader or listener.
Through the years, I have written down poems as they have moved across my mind. If I do not write them down fast, they are just gone. Trying to get them back is very hard. Grabbing them as they go by has gotten easier and easier. I suppose it has become a habit.
Thank you for spending some of your time on some of my poems and stories. They may provide a short escape from a problem you are facing. I hope, that on your return, your problems will have gone away.
Your humble servant,
Mike Murphy
Warning
Dear Reader,
With few exceptions, these poems and stories should be taken in small doses.
Sincerely,
The Author
Contents
ACT I: A TASTE OF FUNNY
Mulligan Stew
Child Safety
Spinnaker Ridge Road
A Fond Farewell
Who’s Your Daddy?
Secretaries’ Day
He Did His Best
Jiggly Wiggly
Help Me Understand
Did You Ever Notice?
And Now for My Dentist
Emergency Waiting Room
They Say You Are Ninety
ACT II: SWEETER THAN WHINING
The Jeweler’s Daughter
Love Gets on All It Touches
Madeline’s 11th Birthday
Thinking of You
Wings Upon Their Feet
Shadow Glass
Always There for Us
A Mother’s Love
To the Red Team
My Grandson
What Is Good About Goodbye?
Life Goes By Fast
The Fireplace
Swing of Life
Song of the Spring
A Simple Plan
Adele
My Visit To The Probate Office
Florida
Rising Star
Someone
Our Neighbors
ACT III: DON’T BE SILLY… LET ME DO THAT FOR YOU!
I’ll Betsy You Didn’t Know
I Was Just Thinking
While We Are on the Subject
Making Fathers Happy
It Could Happen To You
Good Advice
Reflections on Dying
Job Application Letter
You Choose
Gone for the Day
Christy Carbuncles
A Bridge Too Far
An Odd Family
COVID 19
Thursday at Last
Tax Me No Questions
Mothers-in-Law
Mildred M. Mullican
Don’t You Crane Your Neck, Mr. Putin
Softball
The Stain on My Shirt
A Dad Like Your Dad
The Magic Quilt
A Fish by Any Other Name
ACT IV: LIMERICKS
Lending Leeza
Who’s In Charge?
Good Intentions
How Easy It Is To Forget
Italian Cuisini
Pickles
Being in the Hospital
Edison’s Pet
Bill and Lou
Smile
ACT V: NEAR FAMOUS SAYINGS
Short Trees
Words
Most Important
Greatness
Making All the Difference
Having Something to Do
Doubles Anyone?
Watch Your Grammar
Training
Thy Kingdom Gone
Disbarred
Dismembered
Curator
Counter Fitting
Coping Saw
In Congruous
Roll Model
Compound Fracture
Complacent Sea
Color Guard
Club Steak
Claw Hammer
Quasimodo
Chess Pie
Chamomile Tea
Bovine
Boston
The Gambler
Fast Food
Moles
Manifesto
Nocturne
Gases
Say What?
What Was That?
Poor Painters
Just for Kicks
Don’t Be Afraid
Getting Started
Christmas Card Photos
ACT VI: SHORT STORIES
The Aridotti
Four Sisters
A Journey to America

ACT I A Taste of Funny
Mulligan Stew
Weather hot, weather cold, whether young, whether old,
When you’re hungry, there’s one thing to do.
Just swallow your pride and don’t ask what’s inside,
Of that wonderful, Mulligan Stew.
Well, it’s tasty and red and its smells fill your head
With aromas your momma once knew.
It’s got parsley and sage and some pink lemonade
In that good tasting, Mulligan Stew.
Now those big chunks of beef sometimes stick ‘tween your teeth,
But the Mulligans know what to do.
They think it’s no sin to put toothpicks within
Every bowl of their wonderful brew.
There are carrots and taters and big green tomaters
And spices that you can’t pronounce.
There’s some ginger and mince and some pepper withince.
It’s delicious, yes, every last ounce.
Now the Murphys make chowder with thick chili powder.
So, it’s hot even straight from the fridge.
But when offered the stew that the Mulligans brew
Well, the Murphys toss theirs from the bridge.
You may ask if it’s true that the Mulligan’s stew
Has some mystical, magical power.
If it spills on your shirt, here’s a spoiler alert,
You can wash it off clean in the shower.
You just can’t get enough of this wonderful stuff.
It can brighten the saddest of views.
Take some soon to a friend. All their troubles will end.
And from then on, they’ll always love youz.
Of this stew, it is said, ’twill put hair on your head,
Though that’s never been put to the test.
But Andrew confided, just after he tried it
That’s how he got hair on his chest.
So if ever you’re hungry or tired and searching
for something inviting to do;
Or, if you need something to hold life together,
Like lumpy, red all-purpose glue;
Don’t stop for a minute to ask what is in it.
Just do what the Mulligans do.
Just ignore all the pulp and take one big gulp
Of that wonderful, Mulligan stew.
Child Safety
When storing the bleach…
Keep it well out of reach.
Spinnaker Ridge Road
I think I shall go for a walk around Spinnaker.
But don’t wait for me… I’ll be back before dinnaker.
A Fond Farewell
Parting, my dear, is such sweet sorrow.
Please delay yours, at least ‘til tomorrow.
Who’s Your Daddy?
If you’d like to make
Your dear father happy…
Just call him “Daddy” and
Don’t call him “Pappy.”
Secretaries’ Day
Sometime, somehow, something you did,
Some