Stack Bullion

Gavin Whyte

Description

Is Sex & Drugs & Rock 'n' Roll a communist plot or is society just licentious? Is a conspiracy of rotten eggs from Moscow out to sap the vital fluids of red-blooded Canadians? Darien has emerged as an organized crime wave, and former Chief Inspector Jacques Gaffeur and his nephew, Wilhelm Gaffeur, Professor of Scatology, commit themselves to gather evidence on Darien and arrest him and his aide-de-camp, Alois Schicklgruber, with the help of the RCMP. Or is the Canadian government right and will inject freedom-loving Canadians with a microchip in their brain in order to instruct their thoughts unless Canada's Socialist Party, the NDP, re-programs left-leaning Canadians to fight a guerrilla war against the Canadian government while uploading a subliminal message to vote for NDP? Will they succeed? Read Stack Bullion and the sequel, The Explication of the HUCAC, to find out.

Sujets

• Humour

Informations

• Publié par: Austin Macauley Publishers
• Date de parution: 30 octobre 2020
• Nombre de lectures: 0
• EAN13: 9781528932820
• Langue: English
• Poids de l'ouvrage: 2 Mo

Extrait

Stack Bullion
The Explication of the HUCAC
Gavin Whyte
Austin Macauley Publishers
2020-10-30
Stack Bullion About the Author Dedication Copyright information © Epilogue The Explication of the HUCAC
About the Author
Gavin Whyte was born in 1954 in Stratford, Southern Ontario, which according to the map is shaped like an elephant with an upraised trunk. The author grew up in Toronto and left for Edinburgh in 2003. Everyone needs a good home to escape from, hence the adaptation of The Royal Canadian Mental Institution in Stack Bullion .
Dedication
To my mother, who always trusted I would be banned by the Boston Public Library.
Copyright Information ©
Gavin Whyte (2020)
The right of Gavin Whyte to be identified as author of this work has been asserted by the author in accordance with section 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publishers.
Any person who commits any unauthorised act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales, and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.
A CIP catalogue record for this title is available from the British Library.
ISBN 9781528932196 (Paperback)
ISBN 9781528932820 (ePub e-book)
ISBN 9781528979818 (Audiobook)
www.austinmacauley.com
First Published (2020)
Austin Macauley Publishers Ltd
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The monuments of Paris are resplendent in the golden, October sunshine. Outside the Sûreté, on the Quai d’Orsay, the sooty pigeons strut like field marshals. Inside, in a corner office, the Chief inspector paces and discusses with Alphonse their next operation.
The Chief inspector sits behind his polished desk and deducts, “Our old friend, Darien, is up to his sociopathic tricks again. He has come to the attention of Interpol due to the dogged efforts of former Chief Inspector Jacques Scotisme who has come out of retirement, on a last mission, to uncover links between the Canadian federal government and organised crime at the request of Golden Hynde, the Clerk of the Privy Council. Scotisme disappeared last March 31 and is presumed dead. Just before former Chief Inspector Jacques Scotisme disappeared, he was on the trail of his old adversary, Darien, and pointed the finger at Darien.”
“Darien has surfaced at a moated château in Québec. The Royal Canadian Mounted Police wiretap his telephone line and monitor his internet use with Spyware. Lately, Darien has been scrambling his telephone conversations and bought anti-virus software, and anyways, wiretapped conversations are not admissible as evidence in court under Canadian law. In Darien’ moated Québec château in the tower, his control room is full of electronic equipment with which, we suspect, he bugs communications of the RCMP, the Canadian government and the sex lives and gossip of celebrities. Darien has no visible means of support but maintains the image of a wealthy man and has a valuable art collection.”
The Chief inspector resumes, “We know Darien plans a Gargantuan robbery. Darien has recruited arch-criminals from the United States as his henchmen. But we don’t know where they will strike and we don’t know when. The Royal Canadian Mounted Police do not want to arrest Darien until they have enough evidence to convict him.” The Chief inspector has an earnest but quizzical look and smacks his open palm with his fist and goes on, “There is some other misChief as well.”
“Darien is anxious to pose as a member of the celebrity set. Darien espouses famine relief and holds as guests and potential hostages two leading Canadian musicians, Jan Adams and Dean James. For paradoxically, as is typical of the man, Darien wants to ingratiate himself with Jan Adams and Dean James and persuade the pair into performing as the headliner band that supports him in a pop concert with himself on the organ, broadcast around the world on hijacked satellite transmissions as a grand climax to celebrate his heist and aid famine relief. But Darien is jealous of the celebrity’s fame and overpriced talent and unless they introduce him to their over-inflated, meretricious bimbos and lower their fee; Darien has a crazed plot to threaten to infect them with his tapeworm with the aid of Alois, his aide-de-camp, and several alluring females.”
Alphonse says with his usual composure, “I thought Darien was in limbo.”
The Chief inspector explains, “Darien himself, over a year ago, was pulled down from the ether by reversing the flow of the electro-magnetic gun used to hijack the satellite transmissions, by Alois, his aide-de-camp.”
Alphonse says, “So, Darien, the renegade is politically incorrect to the House Un-Canadian Activities Committee.” Alphonse’ thin mouth turns up a little at the corner, “I doubt they would persecute us.”
The Chief inspector makes a steeple of his hands and says, “The polish of Darien’ profile in the celebrity world is a front to embezzle his charitable foundation for tapeworm eradication and wiretap the sex lives and gossip of these human targets for every love-starved maniac with high expectations of artificiality.”
“Darien has a bowel complaint and as a patient has consulted with Professor Emeritus Colon Gladwell of the faculty of Scatology at Edinburgh University. Gladwell is the most eminent practitioner in the business. Unknown to Darien, the number-two man on the faculty is Professor Wilhelm Scotisme, the nephew of former Chief Inspector of the Sûreté, Jacques Scotisme. Monsieur Golden Hynde, the Clerk of the Privy Council is convinced and I have persuaded Professor Wilhelm Scotisme that he is the right man to follow in the footsteps of his uncle, former Chief Inspector Jacques Scotisme and gather evidence on and arrest with the help of the RCMP, the renegade Darien. As a cover, we have persuaded Gladwell to plead that age and infirmity prevent him from long-distance travel and in his place will send the University’s number-two man, Professor Justin Crapaud.” The Chief inspector glances at Alphonse meaningfully but, Alphonse wears his habitual look of aplomb. “A pseudonym, as a specialist consulted to determine the nature and consistency of Darien’ intestinal parasite. I am in touch with the Right Honourable Golden Hynde, the Clerk of the Privy Council in Ottawa and he is to be Professor Wilhelm Scotisme’s Chief contact.”
The self-possessed Chief Assistant Alphonse asks, “Is Professor Wilhelm Scotisme as intelligent as his uncle, former Chief Inspector Jacques Scotisme?”
The Chief inspector affirms, “He is as ambitious as his uncle and may have inherited the ability to thwart Darien. I’m sure the Professor will bear all of his scientific and investigative talent to accomplish this mission. You will meet Professor Wilhelm Scotisme at Orly airport, early tomorrow.”
Professor Wilhelm Scotisme, wearing a snap-brimmed blue-plaid hat and a white trench coat climbs jauntily down the ramp from the Air France jet. Wilhelm has a blonde, steel wool, Dolph Lundgren haircut. His nose is slightly more bulbous than the ideal, a perfect seven. He has a well-shaped mouth somewhat astringent with experience.
Wilhelm is a fatalist who represses the urge to get even. Whose connection with Safe Sex & Drugs & Rock ‘n’ Roll and Buddha when young led to an epiphany to devote himself to the alimentary canal. He has found a niche by conforming to the discipline of Scatology. He has quit smoking his pipe. As, Wilhelm is as square as Wyoming, he’s just as happy making tea in a beaker over a Bunsen-burner as he is chasing a microbe. Wilhelm’s uncanny logic carries him through life at the expense of his psyche. It’s Wilhelm’s kismet to be a surreal understudy to his uncle. In order to conform to the Pedantocracy, Professor Wilhelm Scotisme digests everything from Buddha to bio-rhythms; everyone, especially the police think he is a cuckoo.
Like his uncle, Wilhelm is a predictable element with a handful of wit in a scarcity-driven, unpredictable world. He avoids the trapdoor on the stage of the world. He is telepathic, clairvoyant and telekinetic even if it’s dogmatic. His powers of reasoning must be preconceived with charisma as Wilhelm stretches his psyche to deal with the difficulties. He rides a number 8 bus to work every day it rains.
Alphonse, the old hand, is waiting for Wilhelm outside Customs and greets Wilhelm, “Ah, Professor Scotisme. You arrive at Orly early.”
Professor Scotisme quips, “The plane must have made good time.”
On the autoroute to Paris, Alphonse suavely makes conversation, “We are pleased there is another Scotisme to carry on the family tradition.”
Wilhelm says, “I am touched Uncle Jacques made such a good impression. Of course, my father is a scholarly, repressed man, almost withdrawn. His nerves were too bad to follow his brother Jacques line of active, energetic police work. I see this mission as an opportunity to seize the limelight and send our famous name back to the frontline like grandfather, Corporal Jacques Scotisme who agreed valiantly with Marshal Ferdinand Foch, ‘They shall not pass,’ at Verdun.”
Alphonse asks, “Mrs Scotisme must be concerned you have been selected by the Sûreté to go on this unusual and dangerous mission?”
Wilhelm responds unenthusiastically, “I am well-insured. I have left my wife in the safekeeping of the captain of the rugby team. He is a hard­working Scatology student and will drop around every day to perform any errands.” They arrive at the Sûreté, on the Quai d’Orsay.
Alphonse ushers Professor Wilhelm Sc