Where The Bee Sucks

William Stafford

Description

Controversial television historian Hank Brownlow comes to England to research his latest outlandish theory about Shakespeare but finds he is not alone in his quest. Someone else is following the same trail and people are ending up dead. Meaniwhile, in Stratford upon Avon, disgruntled tour guide Harry is visited by a stranger who claims to be a character from 'The Tempest'. Author of Leporello On The Lam and the Brough & Miller series, William Stafford has created a satirical contemporary fantasy with a lively sense of humour.

Sujets

• Humour

Informations

• Publié par: Andrews UK
• Date de parution: 07 janvier 2014
• Nombre de lectures: 0
• EAN13: 9781783335060
• Langue: English

Extrait

Title Page
WHERE THE BEE SUCKS

by
William Stafford



Publisher Information
Where the Bee Sucks published in 2014 by
Andrews UK Limited
www.andrewsuk.com
The right of William Stafford to be identified as the Author of this Work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1998
Copyright © 2014 William Stafford
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means without the prior written permission of the publisher, nor be otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser. Any person who does so may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.



Dedication
For Stanley and Paul



One
Harry looked helplessly at the expectant American and Japanese faces peering at him from beneath their umbrellas. He had no such shelter; it was deemed out of keeping with his costume. One of these days, Harry promised himself, I’m going to research the history of the brolly and find out once and for all if they were widely available in Elizabethan England. For the time being, he had to make do with a tall felt hat, the brim of which was slightly less in diameter than the stiff, starched ruff around his neck. The upper garment was thus dripping a steady succession of raindrops onto the lower.
“Well...” Harry clapped his hands together. “I mean, ‘Aye, verily, the rain it raineth every day.”
He made an elegant gesture, smoothing his moustache with forefinger and thumb but really he was checking the glue was holding fast.
“The show - that is to say, the tour - must go on. If you are sure you have taken enough snaps of the church, we shall make our way back past the theatre and towards the barges at the water’s edge where we shall stop for a break of freshly made baguettes and carbonated beverages.”
He doffed his hat and bowed low with a flourish. Rain trickled down his back and squelching between his toes informed him his buckled shoes were leaking.
Great.
Verily.
The tourists followed him willingly and blindly, a ragtag line of ducklings in bright plastic ponchos. They were not saying much but Harry had the distinct impression they were not best pleased with the tour so far. They would probably complain behind his back when they returned to base. Another bollocking would be coming his way. Another final chance - Harry had long since lost count of how many final chances he had been given; he was invariably able to charm Mary out of giving him the boot but there too, he had the feeling his ability to enchant was wearing thin.
New clouds rolled overhead, darker and more menacing. The rain set on in earnest. Harry decided against cutting through the theatre building, passing from the Swan and through the gift shop. It pained him to be near the place but it was a crucial part of the tour. The party had already been up the tower although their view of the town was restricted due to the inclement weather and the pissing rain.
He muttered something over his shoulder about not wanting to traipse their wet feet all through the shop, and ignored a response from one of the group about wishing to see again the novelty pencil sharpeners that would do as a gift for someone or other back home in Texas. With the theatre behind him, he could relax a little. The very sight of the place reminded him of his failure as an actor. Others from his drama school had graced those boards many times, as various Violas, a couple of Cordelias, the odd Banquo and even the Great Dane himself - Not Scooby Doo, the other one.
And now here was Harry, marching group after group of tourists around Stratford-upon-Avon, haunting the town like the ghost of Hamlet’s father, and dressed up like the nation’s greatest playwright. It was like a joke. A sick, cosmic joke.
“Shakespeare-san,” one of the Japanese ladies tugged at Harry’s elbow. “Baguette barge closed. Where we eat now, Shakespeare-san?”
It was true; the barge had closed early due to the weather. Harry turned to the group and grunted. He indicated the internationally recognised sign of the golden arches across the road. The suggestion was not met with enthusiasm. Somehow the famous clown’s fare seemed less authentic than a stick of French bread buttered and filled on a canal boat.
Lightning flashed and thunder rumbled directly overhead. Almost instantly, a second fork struck the surface of the river. The tourists gasped. Several of them applauded. They pointed at the swelling waters of the Avon. At the spot where the lightning had struck, the pale figure of a man appeared.
“He drowning, Shakespeare-san!”
“It’s just part of the show, ain’t it, son?” said one of the Texans. “A ruse to get us to buy tickets to the play. Mighty impressive, though.”
Harry couldn’t think. His eyes were on the figure in the river. The man was neither swimming nor drowning. Or waving, for that matter. He was just....there.
Against all regulations, Harry reached into his doublet and took out his mobile phone. He summoned an ambulance and the police as well for good measure. The tourists did not witness this gross misconduct; they were all fixated on the man in the water. He was closer now although he had apparently made no effort to approach. His stance was at odds with the current; water was flowing past and, Harry would swear, through him. Harry stood, beguiled with his tourists, watching the man, and wasn’t even aware of the sirens’ blare heralding the arrival of the emergency services.
The man was visible from the waist upwards. He was bare-chested and his skin was pearlescent, with a glow that was augmented by each successive flash of lightning. He seemed to be gliding towards the river’s edge, heading directly towards Harry and the group rather than the landing places for the rowboats. Harry had no idea how deep the water was at that point but it did not seem as though the glowing man was walking. He was somehow gliding towards them.
But then, just feet away from the bank, the man’s glow faded and he faltered. He dropped in the water to chest height and then shoulders. The water closed over his head, swallowing him. Harry darted forward but a police officer pulled him back. Another was trying to herd the tourists and other bystanders away with arms outstretched like a gooseherd. A third officer and a couple of paramedics were preparing to dive into the water; they pulled off boots and jackets to make themselves lighter.
The sky cracked and the scene was flooded with an instant of brilliant white. The man surged from the surface with his mouth wide in a gasp. His large eyes rolled until they fixed on Harry. A smile played on his thin lips as lightning flashed again, renewing his glow and accented his sharp cheekbones and high forehead.
He recognises me! The wild thought appeared in Harry’s mind as vivid as the dramatic weather.
Professional hands seized the man and pulled him from the river. Before he was wrapped in an institutional blanket it was clear to everyone present, and especially to the giggling Japanese ladies, that he was completely naked.
The man resisted all efforts to care for him, shrugging off police and paramedics alike. He strode towards Harry, his feet making no impression on the puddles he traversed. His wide, blue eyes sought Harry’s. An uncertain smile played on his elfin features.
He opened his mouth and forced out four words before he collapsed in a heap of bare limbs and rough blanket.
“All hail, great master!”
All heads turned to Harry.
“What the fuck...” Harry muttered, out of character.
“Aye, verily,” laughed a Texan. “What the fuck, indeed.”
***
Darren Daley unlocked the disused chapel. The flapping of pigeons echoed around the empty hall. That roof will need patching up, he thought, if the “Group” is going to use this place on a regular basis.
As instructed, he put out a circle of rickety wooden chairs in the centre and lit candles around the perimeter of the room. Not the best way to light a meeting, he observed. They’re all going to be backlit; they won’t be able to see each other’s faces. What little he knew of the Group informed him they weren’t troubled by shade and shadow - in fact, they sought out darkness and obfuscation.
The list of instructions he had been given were a case in point. He took out the sheet of paper - or rather the four pieces of paper that he had Sellotaped together to make a single legible message. The pieces had arrived on different days by different means. The first by conventional post, the second was under the windscreen wiper of his Metro. The third had come through a (thankfully) open window, wrapped around half a house brick and he had almost choked on the fourth and final piece of the puzzling communication when it had appeared in his morning doughnut like the prophecy in a fortune cookie.
His colleagues in the lettings office had been amused. Secret admirer, they joked, even though it was months after and before Valentine’s Day.
And then the telephone calls had started, beginning with moments of silence like a cold call from a telemarketer on the Asian subcontinent; and then, after Darren’s third “Hello?” a low, barely audible voice asking him to confirm the message was received.
The caller would never identify himself. He spoke only of the Group and the Group’s instructions.
Darren was about to tell the weirdo to go and fuck himself with a spanner when an envelope, fat with five pound notes, appeared on the passenger seat. He had been on the phone at the time and didn’t see which of the many pedestrians milling along Br