Two Men In a Car (A Businessman, a Chauffeur, and Their Holidays in France)

Mike Buchanan

Description

'A splendid romp. Vive la France!'
Peter Mayle, author of 'A Year in Provence' and many other bestsellers

'Mike Buchanan is the best kind of opinionated, middle-aged, middle-class Englishman abroad: the funny kind.'
Andy Heslop

'If you have a sense of humour, this book will put a big smile on your face. I laughed out loud many times. A refreshing absence of political correctness.'
The lovely Maureen Padley

Political correctness is a curse of the modern era. This book is not politically correct. And it celebrates la belle France: the beautiful ladies, the fine food and wine, the glorious scenery and weather, and more besides. If you're offended by the book's contents, kindly moan about it to someone else, not the author. He's had more than his fill of being moaned at over the years. Mike Buchanan is a 50-year-old overweight diabetic short-sighted businessman and published author, who lives in Bedford. He's been a Francophile for as long as he can remember, and is rarely happier than when holidaying in France. In August 2007, following the breakdown of his second marriage, he took a holiday in France with his chauffeur, the (equally) politically-incorrect Thunderin' Paul Carrington. The two men enjoyed themselves so much that they took a second holiday in France in July 2008. This book relates the story of both holidays, in chapters with the following titles:

1 Our first week with Anne and Mark Phillips
2 Why my dinner cost 40 times more than Paul's
3 Hobnobbing with Ivana Trump in Monte Carlo
4 'Would you like to have sex with my wife?'
5 We witness a miracle in Lourdes
6 In defence of pate de foie gras
7 Paul worries about becoming a gay icon
8 Nuits-St-Georges is twinned with Hitchin
9 'It's always better if you have a big one!'

Sujets

• Travel
• Europe

Informations

• Publié par: eBookIt.com
• Date de parution: 27 mars 2017
• Nombre de lectures: 0
• EAN13: 9781456604691
• Langue: English

Extrait

TWO MEN IN A CAR
 
 
 
Cover: The author and his chauffeur Paul Carrington toast the readers with 1981 Château Lynch-Bages, near Carpentras, Provence, 12 August 2007.


By the author
for LPS publishing:
The Glass Ceiling Delusion
David and Goliatha
The Joy of Self-Publishing
Buchanan’s Dictionary of Quotations for Right-Minded People
Buchanan’s Dictionary of Quotations for Right-Minded Americans
The Fraud of the Rings
The Marriage Delusion: the fraud of the rings?
Two Men in a Car
(a businessman, a chauffeur, and their holidays in France)
Guitar Gods in Beds.
( Bedfordshire: a heavenly county )
for Kogan Page:
Profitable Buying Strategies
(how to cut procurement costs and buy your way to higher profits)


 
 
 
TWO MEN IN A CAR
A businessman, a chauffeur,
and their holidays in France
 
 
 
Mike Buchanan
LPS publishing


Publisher’s note
Every possible effort has been made to ensure that the information contained in this book is accurate, and the publisher and author cannot accept responsibility for any errors or omissions, however caused. No responsibility for loss or damage occasioned to any person acting, or refraining from action, as a result of the material in this publication, can be accepted by the publisher or the author.
First published in Great Britain in 2008 by LPS publishing, this ebook edition published August 2011 by eBookIt.com .
Apart from any fair dealing for the purposes of research or private study, or criticism or review, as permitted under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988, this publication may only be reproduced, stored or transmitted, in any form or by any means, with the prior permission in writing of the publishers, or in the case of reprographic reproduction in accordance with the terms and licences issued by the CLA. Enquiries concerning reproduction outside these terms should be sent to [e-mail] , or to the following address:
LPS publishing
8 Putnoe Heights
Bedford MK41 8EB
United Kingdom
Copyright © Mike Buchanan, 2008
The right of Mike Buchanan to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 2008.
ISBN-13: 978-1-4566-0469-1
This ebook was formatted and distributed by the clever chaps (and Melissa) at eBookIt.com .


 
 
 
To France and the French.
A great country, and a great people.
No, really.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
My first thanks must go to Paul Carrington for his patience in accompanying a ‘ten percenter’ around France for two months. A ‘ten percenter’ is Paul’s disparaging term for members of the elite which he believes to be responsible for everything wrong about modern-day Britain. In a curious way he’s right about the elite, but I’ve never been a member. As all right-thinking people know, the elite has consisted of readers of The Guardian since the 1997 general election.
My thanks to the lovely ladies of France, especially those working in bars and restaurants. They bring such joy into the lives of men such as myself. My thanks to the wonderful restauranteurs, chefs, cheesemakers and winemakers of France. I thank the French in general for their determination to retain their cultural identity, except when it leads to quotas for state-financed French music on their radio channels.
Thanks to my good friend Andy Heslop for his constant encouragement about this book. Thanks to Stan Hurr for the front cover concept and execution, and to the clever chaps (and Melissa) at eBookIt.com for formatting this ebook edition.
My final thanks to you, dear reader, for buying this book. I hope it meets your expectations, whatever they might be.
INTRODUCTION
‘What we need is rest’, said Harris.
‘Rest and a complete change’, said George. ‘The overstrain upon our brains has produced a general depression throughout the system. Change of scene, and absence of the necessity for thought, will restore the mental equilibrium.’
Jerome K Jerome Three Men in a Boat (1889)
I was reading the Victorian classic Three Men in a Boat in July 2007, when the above passage leapt from the page. My second wife and I had separated two weeks earlier and my spirits were very low. ‘Rest and a complete change’ were exactly what I needed, I realised. And why not go the whole hog, and adopt the continental habit of holidaying for the month of August?
The destination country was never in doubt. I’d holidayed many times in France over the years, and always had a wonderful time. I spoke the language moderately well and had rarely found the French to be anything other than helpful and polite. Maybe the two matters were related.
Should I go alone, or with company? My friends were already committed to their own summer holidays. And then Paul Carrington happened to drop by for a cup of tea. Strong English breakfast tea, obviously, as was his custom. Paul was – and is – a self-employed chauffeur, and I had used his services on a number of occasions. He’s a loud cheerful optimistic character, with firm opinions on every subject under the sun. He always reminds me of the stand-up comedian Al Murray’s creation, ‘The Pub Landlord’.
It suddenly occurred to me that a holiday with Paul might ‘restore the mental equilibrium’. I put a proposal to him, and in a matter of moments he’d agreed to accompany me on the holiday, and to help with a number of the chores. So I’d have a month’s holiday in France with an amiable companion, and less of the drudgery that comes with self-catering and driving around such a large country.
Now Paul and I couldn’t be more different, and I wasn’t altogether sure we’d get on well for as long as a month. Nor was he, I imagine. The extent of our differences, once we’d worked them out – Table 0.1 – surprised us both. But we are alike with respect to our firm optimism about the future, regardless of past experiences. This might help explain our combined total of five ex-wives.
Doubtless some people will consider me sexist for celebrating attractive women in this book, but I really couldn’t care less. If a beautiful woman, French or otherwise, smiles and thereby makes the world a slightly happier place for me – an overweight myopic diabetic 50-year-old single man with high blood pressure – she deserves to be mentioned in my book. And if she’s a waitress, to be given a decent tip.
I’ve long enjoyed the finer things in life, especially fine food and wine. In the past two or three years I’ve enjoyed sublime meals at two of the best restaurants in England. Raymond Blanc’s Le Manoir aux Quat’ Saisons (to celebrate my mother’s 80th birthday), and Heston Blumenthal’s The Fat Duck (a generous 48th birthday present from my second wife). Paul chauffeured on both occasions, so I was free to drink more than my customary single small glass of wine. I’ve kept the menus from both meals, and they’re reproduced in the appendices. Both restaurants are expensive – of course – but terrific value for money. Go if you can. You really do only live once.
Which brings me naturally on to one of the great comic writers of our times, John Mortimer, creator of the immortal Rumpole of the Bailey. At the time I’m writing this (February 2009) he had only recently died, at the age of 85. He managed to work both as a barrister and as a writer. Starting his writing at 5am may have helped. Mortimer had an admirable philosophy of life, and coined the term ‘champagne socialist’ to describe himself. Surely the only socialist ever to hold down two demanding jobs at a time. Most socialists can’t manage even one demanding job, in my limited experience. And as for 5am starts . . .
One of the great bons viveurs of his generation, Mortimer once announced, ‘I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth foregoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward.’
I suggest we all take Mortimer’s philosophy on board and prize quality of life over length of life. Let’s stop trying to be immortal. Let’s celebrate our good fortune at living in Britain in the early 21st century, and having France as our closest neighbour. And let’s follow the biblical instruction – St Luke, ch.12, v.6, if my memory serves me right – to take our ease, eat, drink, and be merry.


TABLE 0.1 – THE BUSINESSMAN AND THE CHAUFFEUR
  MIKE BUCHANAN PAUL CARRINGTON Background Solidly middle class. Father worked in the Foreign Office. Public school, university, career with blue-chip organisations. Has run a consultancy since 1999. Author.
Solidly working class. Brought up on a houseboat in Stanground, near Peterborough.
Left school at 16, worked in brickworks, the Army, security. Self-employed chauffeur since 1983. Age 50 57 Health and physical attributes, current marital status
5’9’’ tall, 235 lbs (107 kg). Highly unfit and averse to physical effort of any kind, hence his chauffeur, cleaner and gardener. This, combined with his fondness for good food and wine, has led to him being overweight for many years. Myopic and diabetic.
Currently single, surprisingly.
6’1’’ tall, 210 lbs (94 kg). Interested in keeping fit even after suffering several lung collapses due to emphysema. 5th Dan in the martial art Moo-duk-kwan-tang-soo-do.
Six false teeth, and psoriasis on his head.
Currently single, surprisingly. Marital record and children Two ex-wives (British). Two daughters, Sarah Mercedes (23) and Kerry Portia (22). Three ex-wives (Yugoslavian, Italian, Ugandan), three children, Louise (37), James (35) and Kristien (33). Personality An introvert until the wine kicks in. Tries to respect opposing views to his, on complex issues. Invariably fails. Relishes variety and the finer things in life.
An extrovert, and highly opinionated.
People call him arrogant, he prefers ‘over confident’.
A creature of habit, even with respect to his choice of biscuits. Politics Right-wing except on law and order issues. Left-wing except on law and order issue