Disentangling from Emotionally Immature People

C. Gibson Lindsay

Description

From the author of Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, this handbook offers essential, practical solutions to help you “disentangle” from emotionally immature people, stand up for your self, and transform your relationships.

If you grew up with an emotionally immature, unavailable, or selfish parent, you may recall your childhood as a time when your emotional needs were not met or dismissed—and you may have lingering feelings of anger, loneliness, betrayal, and abandonment as a result. As an adult, you have fought hard to establish your own sense of self, and heal the invisible wounds caused by your upbringing.

But what about other emotionally immature people (EIP) in your life? EIPs are often unpredictable, volatile, and difficult to handle. They tend to be me-first people, with little regard for others. They may not respect you as an individual—which can be isolating, hurtful, and lonely. As an adult child of an emotionally immature parent (ACEIP), you may be particularly vulnerable to EIPs. But you are not powerless! If you’re tired of being emotionally hijacked by EIPs, this handbook can help you avoid common traps, build confidence, and stand strong in your self.

In this must-have guide, author Lindsay Gibson provides everyday solutions to help you manage relationships with any emotionally immature person. You’ll find practical insights and explorations into the most common challenges ACEIPs face, and practical guidance to help set boundaries and establish healthier relationships. You’ll also learn to handle difficult interactions with EIPs, understand their responses, and transform your relationships to build a happier life.  

It’s time to disentangle from EIPs! As an ACEIP, you have spent a lifetime compensating for others’ behavior and putting your needs last. With this handbook, you’ll find the information you need to understand how EIPs function, shift your own perspective regarding these relationships, and stand up for your self without guilt, shame, or fear.

Sujets

• Alternative medicine

Informations

• Publié par: New Harbinger Publications
• Date de parution: 01 juillet 2023
• Nombre de lectures: 0
• EAN13: 9781648481529
• Langue: English
• Poids de l'ouvrage: 3 Mo

Extrait

face, and înd gentle guidance to help you build self-conîdence, set boundaries, and

being emotionally hijacked by EIPs, this handbook can help you înd lasting freedom.

Disentangling

Includes tips, strategies, exercises, and reflections

from Disentangling Emotionally from Emotionally Immature People Immature People

GIBSON

Avoid Emotional Traps, Stand Up for Your Self, and Transform Your Relationships as an Adult Child of Emotionally Immature Parents

LINDSAY C. GIBSON, P sy D

“In these pages, Lindsay Gibson gets to the heart of what we need to know when we are caught in cycles of relational pain. Whether with a parent or a partner, Gibson helps us iden- tify our ‘healing fantasy,’ the hope that we will find that ‘elusive closeness’ with a person who isn’t able to connect emotionally. Gibson’s gentle guidance reduces the shame we may feel from repeated relational despair.”

—Kelly McDaniel, LPC, NCC, author ofReady to HealandMother Hunger

“The ultimate dilemma faced by adult children of emotionally immature parents (ACEIPs) is the choice between loyalty to self or loyalty to family. Lindsay Gibson’s gentle, compassionate description of emotionally immature behavior resolves that dilemma so ACEIPs can unlearn unhelpful patterns and set boundaries. This book offers reflective prompts and useful skills that guide the reader to reconnect with their inner knowing and move forward feeling more satisfied in relationships.”

—Laura Reagan, LCSW-C, integrative trauma therapist in the Washington, DC Metro Area; host ofTherapy Chat Podcast; and founder of Trauma Therapist Network

“Once again, Lindsay Gibson provides a fantastic and uniquely comprehensive book dealing with the emotionally immature: parents, people, and parts of ourselves, too. Clear explana- tions and thoughtful exercises offer readers the opportunity to understand and reflect on the multifaceted concept of emotional immaturity and the tools and strategies needed to disen- tangle, grieve, and heal. The workbook format is a user-friendly resource for therapists to use with clients. Rich with practical information.”

—Judith Ruskay Rabinor, PhD, clinical psychologist; writing coach; and author of the memoir,The Girl in the Red Boots

“InDisentangling from Emotionally Immature People, I was blown over by the extraordinary number of coping strategies we carry into adulthood when hurt as children by neglectful, irresponsible, or emotionally unavailable parents. With compassion and deep understanding, Lindsay C. Gibson describes how to recognize emotional immaturity, and provides thoughtful exercises to aid in healing. Highest praise for this powerful book. I will recommend it to all my friends!”

—Kim Fairley, author ofSwimming for My LifeandShooting Out the Lights

“This book will joinAdult Children of Emotionally Immature Parentsas one of my most highly recommended resources. Every page is filled with warmth, compassion, and understanding that lets readers know they are seen and understood. The entire work is a treasure trove, filled from cover to cover with usable tips, strategies, and opportunities to reflect and personalize each lesson. I am delighted to have it on my bookshelf.”

—Amy Marlow-MaCoy, MEd, LPC, clinician, trainer, and author ofThe Clinician’s Guide to Treating Adult Children of NarcissistsandThe Gaslighting Recovery Workbook

“Thanks to psychologist Lindsay Gibson’s books, ACEIPs finally have a reliable place to receive understanding and validation. In this powerhouse follow-up to her best seller,Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents,Gibson takes readers on the next phase of the healing journey by addressing answers to some of readers’ most common questions. An indis- pensable book for anyone struggling in close relationships with emotionally immature people.”

—Yael Schonbrun, PhD, psychologist; assistant professor at Brown University; cohost of thePsychologists Off the Clockpodcast;and author ofWork, Parent, Thrive

Disentangling from Emotionally Immature People

Avoid Emotional Traps, Stand Up for Your Self, and Transform Your Relationships as an Adult Child of Emotionally Immature Parents

LINDSAY C. GIBSON, P sy D

New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

Publisher’s Note

All stories in this book have permission to be used and are heavily disguised to preserve anonymity. In many cases, details have been combined to create composite accounts. Names and identifiable details have all been changed, so any resemblance to real people is purely coincidental.

This work in no way should be construed as a form of psychotherapy. Its purpose is educational only and it’s designed for the entertainment purposes of increasing self-knowledge and the understanding of people. The ideas in this work are based on psychological insights and clinical observation and represent the theories of the author from a career as a psychotherapist. Readers are responsible for seeking professional therapeutic help as needed, and the author and publisher make no representation of this work as a substitute for psychotherapy or clinical consultation.

NEW HARBINGER PUBLICATIONS is a registered trademark of New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

New Harbinger Publications is an employee-owned company.

Copyright © 2023 by Lindsay C. Gibson New Harbinger Publications, Inc. 5674 Shattuck Avenue Oakland, CA 94609 www.newharbinger.com

All Rights Reserved

Cover design by Sara Christian; Interior design by Michele Waters-Kermes; Acquired by Tesilya Hanauer; Edited by James Lainsbury

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Names: Gibson, Lindsay C., author. Title: Disentangling from emotionally immature people : avoid emotional traps, stand up for your self, and transform your relationships as an adult child of emotionally immature parents / Lindsay C. Gibson, PsyD. Description: Oakland, CA : New Harbinger Publications, [2023] | Includes bibliographical references and index. Identifiers: LCCN 2023002852 | ISBN 9781648481512 (trade paperback) Subjects: LCSH: Self-confidence in adolescence. | Self-help techniques for teenagers. | Adult children of dysfunc- tional families--Mental health. | Emotional maturity. | Dysfunctional families--Psychological aspects. | BISAC: SELF-HELP / Personal Growth / General | PSYCHOLOGY / Interpersonal Relations Classification: LCC BF575.S39 G524 2023 | DDC 158.1--dc23/eng/20230317 LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2023002852

To Skip, with all my heart.

To my clients and readers over the years, who have made this work possible.

Introduction

Contents

Part I:Why EIPs Are the Way They Are

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How would I know if someone was emotionally immature? Hallmark traits of emotional immaturity

How can my grown-up parents be immature? Understanding emotional immaturity

Are both my parents immature? Different types of EI parents

Why do they act like that? Spotting immature coping styles and defenses

They are so contradictory; it baffles me. Why EIPs are inconsistent and extreme

Why is it always about them? How EIPs see the world

Nothing I do is ever enough. Why nothing makes EIPs happy for long Why is it so hard to get close or share anything real with them? Why EIPs shut down emotional intimacy Why do they make it so hard to want to be around them? Why EI behavior makes you need to get away

Is there hope for a better relationship? Can EIPs ever change?

Part II:How EIPs Have Affected You

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My siblings had the same parents. Why are we so different? Sibling differences and two types of ACEIPs

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It’s like I don’t exist around them. Why won’t they listen or take my feelings into account? 51 Claim your boundaries, subjectivity, and individuality

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I had to be the responsible one, the little grown-up, my parent’s confidant. Growing up too fast—the high cost of your precocity I’m successful and have built a good life, but sometimes I feel like a fake. Completing your unfinished self-concept Why can’t they give me a little positive feedback? Why EIPs don’t recognize your efforts I easily feel guilty, selfish, afraid, and full of self-doubt. Seeing through emotional coercion They always seem morally superior and “righteous.” Narcissistic EIPs and false moral obligation My parent’s religion made me feel afraid and unworthy. Finding your own religion and spirituality I was taught to believe things about myself that just aren’t true. When self-criticism reflects old brainwashing I get overly emotionally involved in the EIP’s needs and problems. Stop emotional takeovers and overidentification I can’t think straight around them. I get confused and inarticulate. Clearing up brain scramble

I can’t stand up to them. They always win. Spotting the Four Horsemen of self-defeat

I am so angry at them; I can’t stop thinking about what they’ve done. Lingering anger, resentment, and rage

I’ve had some disappointing relationships. How do I do it right next time? Looking for emotional maturity in a partner How do I make sure I’m not an EI parent? Knowing yourself prepares you for emotionally mature parenting

Part III:Stepping Back

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I can’t help feeling guilty when they’re upset with me. Disengaging from the guilt of being yourself I know they’re acting crazy, but I don’t know how to respond when they’re being absurd. How to spot and detach from EIP’s projections and distortions I just want them to love me and understand my feelings. Pick achievable goals instead

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Disentangling from Emotionally Immature People

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Every time I set a boundary, I feel like a mean, heartless person. When you feel guilty for protecting yourself

They say I don’t love them enough or in the right way. Am I capable of love? Step back and assess what love is

No matter what I do, they still seem hurt and betrayed. Why your efforts to make EIPs feel better don’t work

I got free, but I miss our closeness. When you feel sad about undoing the entanglement

Part IV:Saving Yourself

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I traded authenticity for approval. When being admired feels more important than being real

I want to be myself, but I fear rejection. Handling the anxiety of abandonment

Who am I really? How do I know for sure what’s best for me? How to recognize your true self and restore your authenticity

I try so hard to do things perfectly that I exhaust myself. When your self-esteem is based on doing the impossible

I wish I weren’t such a people pleaser. When you trade being yourself for being liked

It kills me to ask someone for help. Why you apologize and feel like a bother

Part V:Solving Problems

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I’m always nervous about angering or disappointing my adult child. When your adult child seems emotionally immature

I still feel intimidated and apologetic around EIPs. Question the basic premises that all EIPs bring to their interactions

I’m so concerned about their reactions, it’s hard to say my truth. Remain empowered when EIPs don’t like what you have to say

How can I get through to them? Communication skills and their limits

I’m trying to be more assertive, but I keep going along with them. Discovering the protector parts of your personality

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Even when I try my new strategies, I still end up feeling drained by them. Why you feel defeated even when you are successful with EIPs

I keep dwelling on how certain EIPs have wronged me. Anger, ambivalence, and putting obsessive thinking to rest

Do I have to forgive them? Finding options when forgiveness seems impossible

It’s sad to think I’ll never have a close relationship with them. Coming to grips with the grief of ambiguous loss

I’ve cut off contact with them, but I still think about them a lot. Why estrangement doesn’t resolve everything

I’m noticing EI behaviors in myself. How to deal with your inner EI tendencies

They don’t take center stage in my mind anymore. When the spell is broken and you’re more interested in other things

Epilogue

Acknowledgments

Appendices

Appendix A Personality Characteristics of Emotionally Immature Parents and People

Appendix B Comparison of Emotional Immaturity and Maturity

Appendix C The EIP Unspoken Relationship Contract

Appendix D Bill of Rights for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents

References

Index

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