Finding Your Voice

Andrea Thompson, Karen Zager, Lenore Walker, Alice Rubenstein, Ellen McGrath, Sandra Haber, Carol Goodheart, Dorothy Cantor

Description

"This unique and powerful book is a must-read for any woman on a path of self-discovery and personal empowerment. Authored by seven leading female psychologists, Finding Your Voice is full of inspiring wisdom and practical tools and will give the reader thousands of dollars worth of therapy for the price of one book!"
-Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D.
author of Are You the One for Me?

Recognize and realize your true desires

Is your life what you want it to be? For most women, the answer is not really. Too often, we listen to everyone but ourselves when it comes to determining how our lives should be proceeding-and this prevents us from living the lives we really desire.

In this remarkable new book, a team of highly credentialed psychologists shows you how to overcome unproductive, blameful thoughts and unrealistic expectations-the things you tell yourself about how marriages, friendships, children, and careers should be. Each chapter lays out widely promoted images of a modern woman-the mother raising a perfect child and loving every minute of it, the top-of-her-game career woman, the woman who loves her body just as it is-then reveals how women more often beat themselves up with these ideals than achieve them. Finding Your Voice shows you how to use self-talk to sort through expectations, isolate your own voice, and take the necessary steps to meet your unique needs. You'll be happier and more confident, and you will live a more fulfilled life-the one you're entitled to.
Preface.

Acknowledgments.

1. Introducing Self-Talk.

2. The Friendship Expectation: “I’ve Always Got My Girlfriends”.

3. The Dating Expectation: “I Can Find the Perfect Partner (but If I Don’t, I’ll Be Just Fine without One)”.

4. The Sex Expectation: “I’m Healthily, Happily, Wildly Sexual”.

5. The Marriage Expectation: “I Can Achieve the Marriage I Want (but If I Don’t, I’ll Just End the Marriage)”.

6. The Child-Rearing Expectation: “I’m Raising a Perfect Child, and Loving Every Minute of It”.

7. The Work Expectation: “I’m Happy with My Career (or Happy without One)”.

8. The Money Expectation: “I Have My Financial Life Well in Hand”.

9. The Balancing Act Expectation: “I’m Running My Life, It’s Not Running Me”.

10. The Appearance Expectation: “I Love My Body Just as It Is”.

11. The Self-Esteem Expectation: “I Believe in Myself”.

12. Self-Talk among Friends: Beginning the Conversation.

Index.

Sujets

• Santé et bien-être
• Développement personnel
• Vie de famille
• Relations familiales
• développement personnel
• Personal Growth
• Self-help
• Famille

Informations

• Publié par: Turner Publishing Company
• Date de parution: 18 mai 2009
• Nombre de lectures: 0
• EAN13: 9780470509937
• Langue: English

Extrait

Finding Your Voice
A Woman s Guide to Using Self-Talk for Fulfilling Relationships, Work, and Life
By the W2W Psychologists Group
Dorothy Cantor, Psy.D.
Carol Goodheart, Ed.D.
Sandra Haber, Ph.D.
Ellen McGrath, Ph.D.
Alice Rubenstein, Ed.D.
Lenore Walker, Ed.D.
Karen Zager, Ph.D.
with
Andrea Thompson

John Wiley Sons, Inc.
Copyright 2004 by W2W, Inc. All rights reserved
Published by John Wiley Sons, Inc., Hoboken, New Jersey Published simultaneously in Canada
Photo of Dorothy Cantor by Alan Fox; photo of Carol Goodheart by Pryde Brown; photo of Sandra Haber by Mary Elmer DeWitt; photos of Ellen McGrath and Lenore Walker courtesy of the author; photo of Alice Rubenstein by Leichter Studios; photo of Karen Zager by the Associated Press
No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise, except as permitted under Section 107 or 108 of the 1976 United States Copyright Act, without either the prior written permission of the Publisher, or authorization through payment of the appropriate per-copy fee to the Copyright Clearance Center, 222 Rosewood Drive, Danvers, MA 01923, [phone], fax [phone], or on the web at www.copyright.com . Requests to the Publisher for permission should be addressed to the Permissions Department, John Wiley Sons, Inc., 111 River Street, Hoboken, NJ 07030, [phone], fax [phone].
Limit of Liability/Disclaimer of Warranty: While the publisher and the author have used their best efforts in preparing this book, they make no representations or warranties with respect to the accuracy or completeness of the contents of this book and specifically disclaim any implied warranties of merchantability or fitness for a particular purpose. No warranty may be created or extended by sales representatives or written sales materials. The advice and strategies contained herein may not be suitable for your situation. You should consult with a professional where appropriate. Neither the publisher nor the author shall be liable for any loss of profit or any other commercial damages, including but not limited to special, incidental, consequential, or other damages.
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data:
Finding your voice : a woman s guide to using self talk for fulfilling relationships, work, and life / by the W2W Psychologists Group ; Dorothy Cantor [et al].
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references and index.
ISBN 0-471-43075-7 (Cloth)
1. Women-Psychology. 2. Interpersonal relations. I. Cantor, Dorothy W. II. W2W Psychologists Group.
HQ1206.F4657 2004 158 .082-dc22
2003025751
Printed in the United States of America 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
To our amazing women clients, who have given us so much and helped all of us to understand the complexity of women s lives.
Contents
Preface
Acknowledgments
1 Introducing Self-Talk
2 The Friendship Expectation: I ve Always Got My Girlfriends
3 The Dating Expectation: I Can Find the Perfect Partner (but If I Don t, I ll Be Just Fine without One)
4 The Sex Expectation: I m Healthily, Happily, Wildly Sexual
5 The Marriage Expectation: I Can Achieve the Marriage I Want (but If I Don t, I ll Just End the Marriage)
6 The Child-Rearing Expectation: I m Raising a Perfect Child, and Loving Every Minute of It
7 The Work Expectation: I m Happy with My Career (or Happy without One)
8 The Money Expectation: I Have My Financial Life Well in Hand
9 The Balancing Act Expectation: I m Running My Life, It s Not Running Me
10 The Appearance Expectation: I Love My Body Just as It Is
11 The Self-Esteem Expectation: I Believe in Myself
12 Self-Talk among Friends: Beginning the Conversation
Index
Preface
Finding Your Voice began a few years ago, when we seven psychologists walked out on a dull presentation at a winter conference, deciding that sitting in the sun beside the pool and talking was a far better use of our time. We discovered in the course of that talk that we were a group of presidents, each of us having been elected head of a national professional association. We talked about our goals, the significance of our work, the value of our friendships, and what paths might be desirable in the future. Our conversation that afternoon was personal, intense, and meaningful to each of us. We became aware of a process of self-talk-a clarifying of each of our internal conversations-followed by respectful sharing and listening to one another. We wondered how to use this experience, and what kind of project might emerge from it.
Sharing our backgrounds, here s what we found. Our areas of specialization include children; family therapy; health and fitness; relationship issues; domestic violence; depression; women and power; eating disorders; adolescent development; breast cancer; health psychology; sexual assault, harassment, and exploitation; and the psychology of women. Among us, we have authored or coauthored over two dozen books and counseled more than fifty thousand clients. We work or have worked in universities, medical schools, hospitals, public schools, courtrooms, community advocacy groups, and our own independent practices.
Regarding our personal lives, we ve been married, some of us have divorced, and some of us have remarried. We ve raised eighteen children and have seventeen grandchildren. We ve coped with our own serious illnesses and with the illness or death of a family member. We ve been poor and we ve had money. We have traveled around the world, learning about women s lives in other cultures.
In short, as professionals and as women we have confronted and continue to confront the challenges and choices of women s lives in this century. And so Finding Your Voice began to take root.
One more thing: While developing the ideas for this book-gathering in our homes for weekend meetings or after conferences, in New Jersey, Washington, New York, California, and Mexico; putting all of our talk on tape; and transcribing the tapes-we wanted to have fun. We wished to enjoy one another s company, even as we learned more about ourselves as individuals. It is our hope that you too, alone and with others, will find the pleasure and excitement in the journey of self-discovery that follows.
Acknowledgments
First and foremost, we want to thank our families and dear ones for their ongoing love and support, including our parents, our partners, our children, and our grandchildren. Without them there would be no book.
We gratefully acknowledge the American Psychological Association, whose governance structure provided each of us with a place to be leaders, and which gave us the opportunity to meet one another and learn how to work and play together, despite our very different backgrounds.
Special thanks to our agent, Harvey Klinger, who took a casual airplane conversation and parlayed it into the sale of this book; to Tom Miller, executive editor at John Wiley Sons, Inc., who saw the power to help women in the proposal we sent to him; and, of course, our enormous respect and gratitude to the extraordinarily talented and patient Andrea Thompson, for taking multiple voices and making them sing in unison.
-The W2W (Women-to-Women) Psychologists Group
1
Introducing Self-Talk
This is your life. Is it what you want it to be?
Maybe your answer to that question would fall somewhere along a continuum from Sort of to This isn t what I had in mind at all. If you re like most of the women we talk to, probably the last thing you d say is, Things are working out exactly as I want.
The fact is, we re faced with a thoroughly modern-day conundrum that is both exciting and maddening. Arguably, there s never been a better time to be a woman. In this day and age, in this culture, a woman has unprecedented opportunities to chart a course according to her own lights. But along with the abundant possibilities comes the need to make abundant choices, many of them tough ones.
More than ever before, defining what it means to be fulfilled as a woman, living the life you want to be living, is a personal challenge, one that you must meet on your own terms. We ve written this book to help you meet that challenge. Rather than listening to myths, men, mother, the media, and other influences that are all too ready to tell you what you should want, we will encourage you to trust yourself, ask some good questions, and begin to reason and act your way toward the answers that are true for you.
We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking used when we created them, wrote Albert Einstein, who also said that if he were given one hour in which to deal with a difficult situation (we are, of course, paraphrasing here), he would spend the first fifty-five minutes asking himself the questions that defined the issue; once that was accomplished, he d solve the problem in the remaining five minutes. To you, we say: Once you get the questions right, the answers-or better answers-become clear.
We call that process self-talk.
Initially, we considered using the title 1,000 Hours of Therapy for the Price of a Book. That notion was prompted by these facts: As seven psychologists who have spent countless hours listening to our patients worries and frustrations, we bring to the dialogue that follows a deep and varied understanding of women s lives. We hope you will feel as if you re sitting in the comfortable chair across from our collective selves, and as if we re ta