Mending A Shattered Heart

Stefanie Ph.D. Carnes

Description

When your partner betrays, what are the first steps to picking up the pieces of your shattered heart?

Many unsuspecting people wake up every day to discover their loved one, the one person whom they are supposed to trust completely, has been living a life of lies and deceit because they suffer from a disease–sex addiction. This is a disease shrouded in secrecy and shame.

This is your go-to-guide for what to do when you discover your partner is a sex addict. Each chapter is based on frequently asked questions by partners such as: Should I Stay or Should I Go? Is This Going to Get Better? How Do I Set Boundaries and Keep Myself Safe? and What Should I Tell the Kids?

Sujets

• Substance Abuse
• Self-help
• Addictions

Informations

• Publié par: eBookIt.com
• Date de parution: 12 août 2014
• Nombre de lectures: 0
• EAN13: 9780983271352
• Langue: English

Extrait

MENDING A SHATTERED HEART
 
A Guide for Partners of Sex Addicts
Second Edition
© 2009, 2011
Edited by
STEFANIE CARNES, PhD

Carefree, Arizona


 

Gentle Path Press
P.O. Box 3172
Carefree, Arizona 85377
www.gentlepath.com
 
Copyright © 2011 by Gentle Path Press
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be used or reproduced, stored or entered into a retrieval system, transmitted, photocopied, recorded, or otherwise reproduced in any form by any mechanical or electronic means, without the prior written permission of the author, and Gentle Path Press, except for brief quotations used in articles and reviews.
 
Second edition: 2011
 
For more information regarding our publications, please contact
Gentle Path Press at 1-800-708-1796 (toll-free U.S. only).
 
Published in eBook format by Gentle Path Press
Converted by http://www.eBookIt.com
 
 
ISBN-13: 978-0-9832-7135-2
 
Editor ’s note: All the stories in this book are based on actual experiences. The names and details have been changed to protect the privacy of the people involved. In some cases, composites have been created.
 
Introduction
 
If you’re reading this book, chances are your heart has been shattered. Your world has been turned upside down in a whirlwind of betrayal, anger, and confusion. The authors of this book want you to know that you are not alone. Hundreds of unsuspecting people wake up every day to discover their loved one, the one person whom they are supposed to trust completely, has been living a life of lies and deceit because they suffer from a disease–sex addiction.
Clinicians conservatively estimate that between 1 and 3 percent of the general population are sex addicts. Even those conservative numbers translate into more than 10 million people in the United States alone. Furthermore, sex addiction is not just an epidemic in the United States; it reaches all cultures and ethnicities spanning the globe. However, this is a disease shrouded in secrecy and shame.
Even in our progressive society, we seldom speak of sex addiction. Those afflicted tend to cautiously guard their identities, so they are not labeled and stigmatized. The general population remains uneducated or misinformed; they often equate sex addiction with sex offending or pedophilia, even though the majority of individuals with problematic sexual acting out cannot be classified into either of those categories.
Support groups, treatment centers, and literature for sex addiction have proliferated in the past twenty years. Addicts can now turn to many confidential resources for support. Yet sex addiction is a family disease because it impacts the entire family system. But, unfortunately, support is generally not available for the partners and family of sex addicts. The wreckage of pain and suffering rips through the family. Spouses or partners are devastated and angry. Children are frightened and confused. Parents of the sex addict wonder, What did I do wrong?
As the spouse or partner of a sex addict, you feel the responsibility to sort through this wreckage and to help your family do the same. Yet the resources for spouses and partners are few and far between. You may feel like you cannot reach out for help because you want to preserve the confidentiality of the addict. Or you may feel shame, embarrassment, and worry what others might think of you. The stress generated from this experience is akin to a major medical trauma; however, people going through a major medical trauma often have a community of people providing support. You, on the other hand, are left to suffer alone.
This book is designed for the spouse or partner in the initial phases of learning about the sex addiction in their lives. During this time, you’ll be flooded with questions and feel confused. Each chapter is based on frequently asked questions by partners. These questions include : Should I stay or should I go? Is this going to get better? and What should I tell the kids? At the back of the book, you will find a list of resources, such as Twelve Step meetings, inpatient treatment resources, and recommended books categorized by topic.
This book would not have been possible without the expertise of the people who contributed to it: Jennifer Schneider, Cara Tripodi, Patrick Carnes, Omar Minwalla, Mavis Humes Baird, Sonja Rudie, Barbara Levinson, Robert Weiss, Joe Kort, Caroline Smith, and Paul and Virginia Hartman. Their willingness and diligence during the writing of this book was amazing and driven by genuine compassion for the partner ’s struggle. The authors have collectively worked with thousands of sex addicts and their families. Families like yours have taught us about their suffering. Many of the authors have experienced sex addiction in their own lives and have been touched deeply. Here, they share some of their own personal wisdom.
The communities that support compassionate treatment for sex addicts and their families have also been instrumental in the development of this book. These organizations include the Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health, the International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals, and the network of Certified Sex Addiction Therapists. During the writing of the first edition, my employer at the time, Pine Grove Behavioral Health and Addiction Services, also made this book possible. My Pine Grove colleagues’ commitment to treating people with love and acceptance has been a
constant inspiration; their open-mindedness, patience, and support of my work has been immeasurable. I would also like to express appreciation to Gentle Path Press, especially to Amy Campbell, Rebecca Post, Corrine Casanova, Serena Castillo, and Suzanne O’Connor for their assistance with this book. Finally, I would like to thank my father, Patrick Carnes, for his loving support, encouragement, and advice.
It is my sincere hope that this book will provide information and comfort to individuals and families struggling with sexual addiction. Many people have walked this path before you. Allow their wisdom to guide you and provide you with the answers to your questions. Know that you are not alone and you do not have to suffer silently.
 
— Stefanie Carnes, PhD, CSAT-S
Part One: For All Partners of Sex Addicts
 

 
Editor’s note: Each chapter in part 1 of this book contains information that all partners of sex addicts should read. The information here is intended to support you as you begin to learn about sex addiction and what your options are as a partner of a sex addict. The Question & Answer format was used for the specific purpose of answering some of the most common questions that partners of sex addicts have.
 

Chapter One: What Is Sex Addiction?
Stefanie Carnes, PhD, CSAT-S
 

Tiffany could not believe what she just heard. After all of the sexual improprieties her husband, Jason, had engaged in, he was blaming her for his acting out. According to Jason, Tiffany was critical, blaming, non-supportive, and wasn’t meeting his sexual needs. He had attempted this bait and switch before, shortly after she discovered his first affair, and she had fallen for it—hook, line, and sinker. She thought, Maybe I have been pushing him away. I have been emotionally and physically distant in recent months. The birth of their daughter, Amy, had placed a strain on their marriage. The love and intense connection they had in the beginning of their relationship just wasn’t there anymore. Life had taken over, and it had gotten busy.
Jason rationalized to Tiffany that his affair was just a meaningless sexual fling. He told her that his affair partner had come on to him, and he had tried to resist her advances but eventually succumbed to a one-night stand. He had promised Tiffany he would immediately cut the ties with the woman, but Tiffany suspected he still had contact with her. She confronted him a few times, but he always had an explanation. Tiffany began to wonder if she was being paranoid. She ignored her gut instinct and chose instead to keep the peace and move on with life.
Two years after Amy was born, Jason lost his job. He was underperforming at work and it cost the family dearly. He was distracted in all areas of his life, including his duties parenting and helping out around the house. He even became financially irresponsible. He seemed to be living in a fantasy world that Tiffany couldn’t penetrate. She found herself in the role of primary breadwinner, primary parent, housekeeper, and accountant. With all these extra burdens, Tiffany became resentful of Jason, and she didn’t have much time to invest in her marriage. Admittedly, she became more critical and unsupportive of her husband. As her anger and distance increased, his neediness increased. Occasionally, their love would spark and they would reconnect. He’s such a good guy, she would tell herself. Soon, he’s going to snap out of this depression he’s been in.
Tiffany’s nightmare escalated one morning when she accidentally opened an application on Jason’s iPhone. She discovered he had a profile designed for married men to find affair partners. In his in-box, she read many communications from women with which he was clearly having affairs. Suddenly, it became clear to her why he was always so possessive of his phone. Tiffany confronted Jason, who claimed it was all a joke and that he was just “playing around.” Tiffany was furious. Because she had an important business meeting that morning, she placed herself on automatic pilot and went through the motions of her day. She stayed late at work that evening, not wanting to face the circumstances. When she got home, Jason had an emotional breakdown. He told her he believed he was a sex addict and needed help. He reported that what started off as curiosity progressed and he felt out of control. He was spending hours every day on the Internet looking at different women’s profiles and trying to hook up