Summary of Manuel J. Smith's When I Say No, I Feel Guilty

Everest Media

Description

Please note: This is a companion version & not the original book.
Sample Book Insights:
#1 It is important to know what will work, not why it will work. We must accept that psychology has little to offer us that can’t be explained by simpler assumptions.
#2 People outside your family can also cause problems. If your friend suggests doing something you don’t like, the automatic response is to make up an excuse, and at the same time feel like a guilty sneak for doing so.
#3 We humans are the most successful, adaptive, and smartest biological organisms ever created. We can see this evidence and general conclusions from anthropologists, zoologists, and other scientists.
#4 While the nonhuman animal species have only two major inherited survival coping behaviors, fight or flight, humans have three: fight, flight, and a verbal problem-solving ability.

Sujets

• Santé et bien-être
• Confiance en soi et estime de soi
• Confiance en soi
• Confiance
• Self-esteem
• Personal development

Informations

• Publié par: Everest Media LLC
• Date de parution: 09 mars 2022
• Nombre de lectures: 0
• EAN13: 9781669351818
• Langue: English
• Poids de l'ouvrage: 1 Mo

Extrait

Insights on Manuel J. Smith's When I Say No I Feel Guilty
Contents Insights from Chapter 1 Insights from Chapter 2 Insights from Chapter 3 Insights from Chapter 4 Insights from Chapter 5 Insights from Chapter 6 Insights from Chapter 7 Insights from Chapter 8 Insights from Chapter 9 Insights from Chapter 10 Insights from Chapter 11
Insights from Chapter 1

#1

It is important to know what will work, not why it will work. We must accept that psychology has little to offer us that can’t be explained by simpler assumptions.

#2

People outside your family can also cause problems. If your friend suggests doing something you don’t like, the automatic response is to make up an excuse, and at the same time feel like a guilty sneak for doing so.

#3

We humans are the most successful, adaptive, and smartest biological organisms ever created. We can see this evidence and general conclusions from anthropologists, zoologists, and other scientists.

#4

While the nonhuman animal species have only two major inherited survival coping behaviors, fight or flight, humans have three: fight, flight, and a verbal problem-solving ability.

#5

When we try to cope with conflict in this modern, civilized world by aggression or flight, we don’t do it openly. We typically cope with conflict by passive aggression, which is a very ineffective way of dealing with things.

#6

Passive flight is the act of avoiding a situation or person out of fear. It is a common way of coping with conflict for people who are afraid of conflict. However, if you constantly avoid a person or situation out of fear, they will eventually become disgusted with you and your behavior.

#7

When you feel angry, afraid, or depressed, that does not mean you are necessarily sick. You and I get angry, fearful, or depressed because we are built that way. We are not nature’s favored children when it comes right down to defending ourselves physically.

#8

When you can assertively interact with others and get at least part of what you want, your automatic anger or fear is less likely. When you are frustrated by something you can’t change, or you fail to use your innate verbal ability to cope with something you can change, you are more likely to feel emotionally depressed.

#9

Depression and withdrawal have no survival benefits for modern humans. For most of us, conditions are not as physically demanding as they were for our early ancestors. Our frustrations today come from the actions of other people, not from the environment.

#10

Our three primitive responses of anger-fight, fear-flight, and depression-withdrawal are not signs of sickness, but they are not useful in dealing with other people. They usually make things worse.

#11

As infants, we are naturally assertive. We protest the treatment we receive if something happens that we don’t like. We are also very persistent. We rarely stop letting people know we are displeased until they do something about it.

#12

Your parents teach you self-limiting beliefs and ideas about yourself and others that produce feelings of anxiety, ignorance, and guilt. They do this by using good-bad statements to control your behavior.

#13

Nonassertiveness is the art of controlling behavior by using statements such as That’s a good boy, which is very efficient, but it is manipulative, under-the-table control and not an honest interaction in which Mom would assertively tell you what she wants you to do.

#14

Children are taught to respond to manipulative emotional control in many childhood situations. For example, if you are playing with your dog and your mother wants to take a nap on the couch, she will teach you to respond to emotional control by saying: Why are you always playing with Rover.

#15

Your mother’s manipulation trains you to use arbitrary rules like right and wrong, or fairness, to judge your own behavior. These rules are external to your own judgment of what you like and dislike. They tell you how people should feel and behave toward each other, regardless of the relationship between them.

#16

The mothers I see in my teaching all express similar uncomfortable feelings about the job of coping with young children. They have two main sources of worry. First, they are confused about the different methods used over the years for raising children. Second, they mistakenly believe that if they assertively take charge, they will only have two options: being tyrannical bastards or indulgent jellyfishes with their kids.

#17

We are all taught to be responsive to manipulative emotional control as soon as we are able to speak and understand what others tell us. These strings of nervousness and anxiety, ignorance and guilt, control our assertive behavior as children, and they keep us out of danger. However, these strings do not magically disappear as we grow up.
Insights from Chapter 2

#1

When we are faced with a conflict between what we want and what someone else wants us to do, we often find ourselves stuck without any cues to help us cope with the conflict. We end up using manipulative coping, which is not a productive cycle.

#2

The first step in becoming assertive is to realize that no one can manipulate your emotions or behavior if you do not allow it to happen. To stop anyone’s manipulation of your emotions or behavior, you must recognize how people try to manipulate you. What do they say, how do they act, or what do they believe that controls your emotions and behavior.

#3

The Bill of Assertive Human Rights is a set of statements about ourselves as humans, statements about our responsibilities for ourselves and our own well-being, and statements about our acceptance of our humanness.

#4

When we don’t have any rules, and we don’t know any, we create our own rules to control our behavior. This is how people become afraid of independence. They are afraid that if they are not controlled, they will not be able to control their own behavior.